by Colt, Shyla
“You should, he wasn’t right for you. You need someone more…” Ruth furrows her brow. “Masculine?”
“He was plenty masculine.”
“Not in the make your toes curl take-charge way.” She shudders dramatically.
I laugh. “Why do I get the feeling you’re picturing a particular man right now? Maybe you need to be the one sharing with me.”
“I wish there was something to tell. I’m in a serious dry spell.” Ruth shakes her head.
“No one interesting in the ad department? You get some cute hipsters coming through,” I say, remembering the last long haired, pierced, tattooed man with black frames she brought to a get together.
“Ugh, that’s the problem. If you’re even more sensitive than me, I can’t see long term. I’m over the sowing my wild oats stage. I want to get serious. It’s changed the way I look at men.”
“I never thought I’d hear you say the S word.”
“S word?” Ruthie lifts a pencil thin eyebrow over her deep set brown eyes and purses her slim lips. Her high cheekbones stand out on her heart-shaped face, and her corkscrew curls tumble down her back. She’s beautiful without trying and down-to-earth.
I’d like to see her settled with someone who could handle her. She’s always run circles around the men attracted to her magnetic personality. An image of Skull flickers in my mind. Skull manages one of the King’s legal businesses—Chaos’ Bar and Grill. They would balance well. Except she wants serious.
“Yeah, serious.”
She rolls her eyes. “Oh, come on, we’re getting scarily close to mid-thirties.”
“You sound scared,” I exclaim, stunned. She’s always so fearless.
“I think we’re all afraid to end up alone. I’m no different in that aspect. I know I’m not the only one who’s noticed we’re attending more baby showers, and one of the few left from our crew who are painfully single. Well, I guess you were excluded until recently.”
“Does it matter? One thing I learned early on in life is there’s no right or wrong way to do things. We all have a path to travel. There’s no status quo we need to struggle to meet. You have to be happy. Trust me, life is fleeting at best and tomorrow isn’t promised.” I picture the faces of those who’d gone before me and close my eyes tight. Too much loss does funny things to a person.
“You’re right. I just…have you ever looked at your life and realized it’s not where you wanted to be by now?”
I laugh as bitterness wells up inside me. “Are you kidding me? Every damn day! I just hurt someone I care about badly, because I couldn’t stop lying to myself. Jamie might’ve been what I swore I wanted. But he wasn’t what I needed. ”
“Did he do something you didn’t like?”
I laugh. “No, he just wasn’t…” I can’t bring myself to say the words out loud.
“Who you wanted?” Ruth finishes my sentence.
I bow my head. “I have to shake this sickness. It’s fucked up, and it’s going to ruin my life if I let it.”
“Why?” Ruthie asks.
“The man that I want—”
“Is a free agent,” she interjects. “You have to get this out of your system or you’ll never be able to move on, because you’re always going to wonder what if. It’s easy to place him on a pedestal when it’s all been in your head.”
“I don’t. It’s not like that. I’m not pining for him,” I splutter.
“Aren’t you? I think you owe it to the both of you. I’ve seen you two around one another. Shadow is into you,” Ruth says.
“I don’t think so.”
“Prove me wrong,” she challenges.
“It’s not that easy, and you know it.”
“Soon, you won’t be able to say that. The two of you will be living under the same roof.”
“For Bolt. I mean, what would that look like? Your dad gets home from jail, your mom goes in, and your aunt starts dating your dad?”
“What? He would be ecstatic. His two real parents together.”
“Ruthie,” I whine.
“What? I remember how many times you didn’t go out in college because Bolton needed you and Shadow was off doing whatever he does for the club.”
I smirk. She caught on real quick to the whole not asking questions thing. I loved her for it. No matter what happened with the club, she never saw me differently or isolated me. There’d been many friends before her who couldn’t handle it. I reach out and grab her hand, giving it a squeeze. “Thank you.”
“For what, being painfully honest?” Ruthie asks.
“No, ass, for sticking by me.”
“You should know by now I’m not going anywhere, babe. You’re stuck with my crazy ass now.” She wraps her arm around me.
I allow myself to soak up her support and affection. This was exactly what I needed, some tough love and a chance to vent. Time was ticking by fast, and my anxiety was off the charts.
“You ready for tomorrow?” Ruthie asks.
“No. I know the judge is going to throw the book at her, and when her last bit of hope is snatched away, she’s going to go down in a blaze of insanity. You’ve seen her melt down before. It’s not a pretty sight.”
“Shit, is Bolt going to be there?”
“I think he wants to be. I’m torn between protecting him, and overstepping my boundaries. He’s seen so much already, I don’t think I have the right to keep him from going.”
“Did he say why he wants to go?” she asks.
“No. I think in his own way, he wants to lend support and accept his new reality. Right now, we’re in limbo. This will put an end to all that. I think we both need the closure.”
“Promise me one thing, Blue.”
“What?” I ask cautiously.
“You’ll allow yourself to truly be happy. Whatever that means, whoever it hurts. Because you deserve that.”
I know what she’s saying. I look down at my hands. “If it comes to it, I will.” It’s more than a vow to a friend, it’s an agreement with myself. Shadow may have pressed my buttons during our visit, but he was right. We’re not getting any younger, and I’m sick of playing the role of doormat.
“Oh, it will, baby girl. Trust me. I got one of my feelings.” Ruthie nods her head.
“Then God save my soul! Every time you get one of those feelings of yours, it hits the fan.”
“It’s not always bad,” Ruthie protests.
“No, but it’s always something to watch. Jesus, why did you put that curse on me?” I moan.
“You need a little crazy in your life.”
“No. I think I have plenty of crazy going.”
“Not the good kind.” Her eyes glitter with mischief.
“You’re so evil.”
“Shut up, you love me.”
“Love and fear,” I say.
We both burst into giggles and continue to rock back and forth. For a moment, I could let all my worries fade into the background and enjoy the peace that always came when I spent time with my best friend.
Shadow
The gate closes behind me with a final clank. I’m on autopilot as I pass the guards, and collect my belongings. I’m on three years’ probation, which means piss tests and check-ins with my parole officer. It’s a precarious situation to be in when you’re an enforcer.
I’ll have to make sure I’m not caught again.
After I sign my paperwork and change into something not orange for the first time in what feels like forever, I leave behind the concrete and stone that encaged me without hesitation. I don my sunglasses and step out of the building into the sunshine. The heat rolls over my skin, and I take a huge gulp of fresh air, relaxing for the first time I can remember in all those days that blurred together.
Wizard—my one time sponsor when I became an enforcer—is waiting for me, leaning up against a black SUV. He pushes away from the vehicle, and we meet in the middle to exchange a hug. He clamps me on my back. “Good to have you out, brother. You’ve been missed
.”
“Good to be out.” We pull from the hug, and I head to the passenger side, eager to be as far away from my living hell as possible. I climb up, close the door behind me, and lean back into the comfortable seats. “You going to fill me in?” I ask.
“Just the basics. Most of that important shit will happen in Church. Bolton wanted to come with me, but he knows the drill. He and Blue are waiting at the clubhouse for you.”
I can feel his eyes on me, but I remain silent.
“You going to finally make your move on that?”
I spin my head to look at him. “Say what?”
“Come on, you’ve been eye-fucking her for years. Now, you’re going to be under the same roof, and Cal is locked up and can’t cock block you.”
My throat goes dry. “Does anyone else know?” I ask.
“Nah. I knew what to look for. Don’t know why you decided to go for Calla that night though. I wanted to deck you every time I saw how sad it made Blue. You do it right this time, or not at all.” His voice is devoid of warmth, and his words are flat.
“It wasn’t a choice, Wiz. She slipped into my room in the middle of the night, pretended to be Blue, and told me to keep the lights off because she was shy. It was the biggest mistake of my life. I should’ve called her on it when I had the chance, but then she was pregnant and I didn’t want that hanging over my kid.”
His eyes narrow and he nods his head as if he suspected something like that. “Fucking bitch.”
“You don’t know the half of it, brother. There’s a hole inside of her she keeps trying to fill up. I spent two years trying to help her and make it work. She’s too lost in her crazy. I think she feeds off drama ’cause she needs that shit like water.”
“I don’t know where they went wrong with that one,” Wizard mutters.
I shrug. “Beats me, man. But I’m done with her. She’s in for three, and Bolton will be eighteen in two more years.”
“He’s going to patch. He’s got Kings in his blood.”
Pride fills my chest. “Yeah. I think so. He’s a good kid. I know he’s been giving Blue some trouble, but his relationship with Calla has always been rocky and tough to deal with.”
“You did good with him, considering,” Wizard replies.
His praise meant a lot. “Thanks, man. I hear you’re a daddio now. How’s that going?”
“Man, she showed me that as smart as I thought I was, I don’t know shit.”
I laugh. “Sounds about right. They don’t come with instructions, do they?”
“Fuck no. My Old Lady is crazy over her though.” Wizard chuckles. “Never thought I’d see the day I’d be married and someone’s father.”
“Things change.”
“That they do. You got out during a good time. Shit’s quiet. Internal and external drama is at an all time low. After Fuse and his hang-around whore turned on us, we banded together and came back stronger.”
“That whole thing was fucked up, Wiz. Glad to see you up and about.”
“It’ll take more than a dance with the ground to keep me down permanently.”
I silently agree. Wizard is a legend. KOC wouldn’t be the same without him. “Is the club cleaned up now?” I ask, wondering if they are still flushing out rats.
“We think so. We’ve been easing back into things bit by bit. Got an account transfer coming up soon, but we’re focusing on growth and expansion of new money.”
Clean money.
He spoke in code as a precaution. We’d gotten paranoid after a few of the bigger clubs were toppled by Feds and undercover agents, then tightened up our operating procedures. I only went down on arms because I’d stayed behind to see a wounded brother off after the shit hit the fan, and he took three to the chest.
We slip into a comfortable silence, and I enjoy the feel of the tires on the pavement. I can’t wait to get back to my bike. There’s nothing that matches the feeling of the wind on my face, the sun on my back, and the rumble of my lady between my legs. It was the closest thing to freedom I’ve ever found. Life has always been simple to me; freedom, family, and my bike. Three years behind bars hadn’t changed that. I study the familiar terrain, making note of the changes. Businesses have opened, closed, and expanded. It’s like waking from a dream.
As we pull up to the clubhouse, I can’t help but scan the crowd gathered. I spot the two people I care about most, and my heart begins to speed.
Bolton is standing beside Blue, her arm around his waist. He towers over his aunt by a good four or five inches.
I wish I’d been there to see my boy growing. I see more of myself in him now. He’s lost the baby fat. The angular planes give him a lean, mean look. Dressed in a pair of jeans and a white T-shirt he’s like a mirror into the past. This was me at that age. I can see the anger glinting in his blue eyes. It makes me want to strangle his mother.
Blue squeezes him, and his gaze softens as he peers down at her.
This is how it should’ve been from the start. The three of us. I’m a hunter by nature and trade. Once I set my sights on something, I won’t stop until I have it. Right now, Bluebell is my prey. The car comes to a halt and I exit, locking gazes with my son. I walk over to Bolton and envelop him in a massive hug. For a minute, he holds me a little too tight, and I can see the thirteen-year-old boy I left in this sixteen-year-old young man.
We separate and he smiles up at me. “Good to have you back, Dad.”
“Good to be back. You take good care of your aunt Blue?”
“Yeah.” His nervous expression melts away as he grins.
All my boy ever wanted was to feel needed and wanted, especially when it comes to women. His mother mind fucked him with her selfish behavior. I’ve done my best to curb and fulfill that desire in him, but a man can’t take the place of a mother any more than a mother can take the place of a father. It’s another reason now is the perfect time for Blue and I. Together, we could have something. I’d been dreaming this shit up for a year.
Bolton steps aside, and I smirk. “Hey, Blue.”
“Welcome home, Shadow.” She opens her arms.
I pull her body to mine, lifting her off the ground, and she squeals. Whoops and hollers went up from all around us.
Damn, it’s good to be home. I set her down on her feet and reluctantly move forward to mingle. I want to wrap an arm around her waist and keep her by my side. But I don’t have the right…yet. The King chasers are eyeballing me like I’m a free meal. It’s been three years since I dipped my wick in anything. However, I’m not about to fuck myself out of my future by detouring with them when I know Blue is my endgame.
“All right, church in ten minutes,” Stone bellows. “But first, we have something that belongs to you, brother.”
My father, Reb walks out, holding my cut, and he gives me a nod of his head.
I can’t help but feel I’m regaining a piece of my soul. I turn and ease my arms into the leather vest. Finally, I’m whole. The cut is more than a decorative article of clothing—it’s who I am.
Harold ‘Reb’ Barrett then gives me a rare smile as he takes a step back.
Stone claps me on my back. “Church. Afterward, we party.”
I grin. I need a nice long night of drinking and shooting the shit.
The meeting is short and sweet as they cram the highlights in and tell me to enjoy the weekend. Monday I’ll be back on the job, ready to do the Pres’s bidding at a moment’s notice.
“Hey, Psych, can I talk to you for a minute?” I ask as the others began to pile out.
“Yeah, man. I figured you’d want to at some point. Figured I’d let you have your fun first.”
I pat his shoulder. “I appreciate it, brother. But I like to take care of business first.”
“That’s why I like you, Shadow,” Psycho says, nodding his approval.
It means a lot coming from a lifer. I grew up wanting to be like these men, and now that I’m among them, their praise and support is necessary. It’s almost lik
e having a bunch of surrogate fathers.
“You want to do this here or does the bar work?” Psych asked.
“Here.”
“So, it’s personal,” Psycho says. He sighs and runs his hand down his face. Suddenly, his stoic and staunch face looks years older.
I can see the shit with Calla is getting to him. I wait until the door closes behind the last person before I start talking. “Look, you know how Calla is. I tried with her. The shit that went down never should have, and while I won’t blame it on her completely, ’cause I should have been smarter about shit, I will say she had a hand in misleading me.”
“Been wondering ’bout that for years. You ain’t the type to fall for her bullshit.”
“No, but once Bolton came along, that was it. I had someone else to worry about. I tried to keep shit civil with her, but she didn’t want that. That girl lives for the drama. I did my best to protect my boy from it, but… He has his scars. I’m going to do my best to set him right before he’s out there as an adult. I think Blue living with me full time will help.”
“My Blue is a good girl.” Pyscho’s lip turns up into a small smile.
Somewhere an angel must’ve died. The gruff biker didn’t often show huge displays of emotion.
“Yes, she is. That’s who I want to talk about.”
Psych narrows his eyes. “Proceed with caution, boy. That girl doesn’t need to be fucked around. She’s no warm body or good time.”
I hold my hand up. “I know that. Look, it’s always been Blue for me. I never wanted Calla. She knew that, too. I told her straight up. She only got as close to me as she did because she pretended to be her sister.”
Psych’s nostrils flare.
“She’s that vindictive, brother. You know I’m speaking the truth.”
His jaw ticks. He blinks, and the killing light in his eyes goes out.
I relax slightly. I’m getting through.
“So you want to sister hop?” His voice is quiet; full of anger and gravel.
I proceed cautiously. “No, I want to claim my Old Lady. I waited. I tried to get her out of my system. The shit didn’t take. Seeing her with this yuppie fuck killed me, knowing he might lock down what’s mine.” I grit my teeth and clench my fists. “I’m not going to wait any longer. I want your blessing, brother. You know I respect you, and I want to do this shit right. But I don’t need it.”
