One of Us is F@#*in' Crazy - Letters to Great Americans
Page 10
Richard, have you seen Robert Scheer’s new tract, ‘The Pornography of Power’?
Chapter 4, entitled ‘Do you know there is a fee’ is a sustained ad hominem attack trying to paint you as a money-grubbing war profiteer.
“Perle was not above using his access to scoop up petty cash…Perle demanded payments for interviews in $100 to $900 range from international media outlets…on a Canadian morning show for which Perle was paid $900…the host introduced Perle as a lead architect of Iraq policy and “one of the closest advisers of Donald Rumsfeld and a member of the influential Defense Policy board.” In the interview, Perle described the war in Iraq as certain to be “a quick war by any standards” and asserted that “we will find weapons of mass destruction when the people who know where they are are free to talk to us” “
Richard, not only does this portray you as a pecuniary opportunist but your buffoonish comments depict you as a feeble minded poltroon who hasn’t a clue what he’s talking about!
I do not doubt that you will go to litigation on this one. In the circumstances here is the same $20, which I hope you will use to sue the pants off Mr. Scheer and his publisher.
Support Mr. Cheney and Mr. Bush
Sincerely
Andy Bain
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139 Elm Park Mansions
Charlotte, NC 28262
13 June 2006
Ted Koppel
The New York Times
229 West 43rd Street
New York, New York 10036
Dear Mr Koppel,
I have just come across your perspicacious article in the New York Times advocating the use of mercenaries.
You make many eminently sensible points on the, “seductive notion of a mercenary army”, the question of the astronomical costs of our military and the, “growing disenchantment with the war in Iraq”.
Ted, could I ask about some flaws I think I have identified in your reasoning?
Robert Kaplan, in his magisterial book, ‘Imperial Grunts’ (Robert was at Camp David yesterday advising Mr Bush about Iraq, I see) on page 60 says, “It is not rare for non-commissioned officers [in the US army] to be on food stamps” - i.e. our troops are so poorly paid that mercenaries who demand a living wage can never compete for price with our patriotic grunts.
What ever happened to cheap and efficient American use of local death squads? Isn’t the ‘School of the Americas’ still economically pumping out pitiless murderers and depraved torturers? Can they no longer assassinate Archbishops? Are they now incapable of raping Nuns?
We have nearly a thousand military bases all over the world. Wouldn’t the great US public start to question our ubiquitous deployment if they were also asked to shell out for private killers?
Sincerely yours,
Andy Bain
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139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
Monday, 21 April, 2008
Michael A. Ledeen
American Enterprise Institute
1150 Seventeenth Street, N.W.
Washington, DC 20036
Dear Mr Ledeen,
Have you seen the appalling libel of you, which appears in Craig Unger’s new book, “The Fall of the House of Bush”?
On page 149 the reptilian Unger claims you said, “Every ten years or so, the United States needs to pick up some small crappy little country and throw it against the wall, just to show the world we mean business.”
Michael, he is trying to portray you as a knuckle dragging, thuggish, moron.
The sub-text is that you are a deranged chicken-hawk who views with equanimity the murder and dismemberment of totally innocent men, women and children, on any trivial, trumped up casus belli, i.e. Iraq and soon Iran.
This is such a transparent slander that I am certain you will sue.
I would consider it a personal honor if you would accept the enclosed $20 towards your legal costs.
Support Mr Cheney and Mr Bush
Sincerely
Andy Bain
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139 Elm Park Mansions
Charlotte, NC 28262
19 December 2006
Niall Ferguson
Laurence Tisch Professor of History
Harvard University
Center for European Studies
27 Kirkland St.
Cambridge, MA 01238
Dear Professor Ferguson,
As a fellow Scot, I have long been an admirer of your erudition and journalism.
Your article in the LA Times yesterday caused a major ‘stushie’ in our house. You wrote that, “Pinochet was a sonofabitch…[but]…Allende's Servicio de Investigaciones was certainly not above using torture.”
At breakfast, I drew your article to the attention of my daughter who is studying Latin American politics at University. She went berserk. She screamed, “This wanker (I’m afraid she is rather prone to the Scottish demotic) Ferguson is a disgusting apologist for killers and torturers. He tries to exculpate Pinochet by smearing Allende.
Pinochet’s monsters actually did strap women to the ‘parillada’ (barbeque – a metal table) and insert electrodes in their vaginas and mercilessly electrocuted them, as happened to Dr Sheila Cassidy, the British surgeon. But Ferguson claims that Allende might have stooped to similar depravities. What a sonofabitch! ”
I told my daughter that it was highly unlikely that the Laurence Tisch Professor of History, and a Scottish gentleman, would waffle like a moron in a great, national newspaper if he could not back up his claim with rock solid evidence. She bet me $40 that I couldn’t come up with any credible sources to corroborate your claim.
Niall, I have done some research on the net and at our excellent public library but am having extreme difficulty uncovering any information on the malfeasance of Allende’s secret, military policemen.
Could you indicate the source for your claim about the Servicio de Investigaciones?
I enclose a SAE and $20, which is your share of the winnings I will collect on the wager when I receive your reply.
Sincerely yours,
Andy Bain
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139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
July 29, 2008
Colonel David Hunt U.S. Army (Ret.)
c/o Crown Forum Publicity
1745 Broadway
New York, NY 10019
Dear Colonel Hunt,
Just finished you latest, invigorating book, ‘On The Hunt – How to Wake Up Washington and Win the War on Terror’. It is elegantly written in a bracing, martial style, liberally laced with expletives and earthy phrases like “everything [we] have tried has proven to be worth less than a bucket of warm piss.”
I particularly enjoyed your quip on page 52 when talking about Muqtada al-Sadr, viz. “the fat bastard with a beard”.
But, Colonel, it is your searing honesty, which most struck me. On page 39 I was genuinely stupefied to read, “Hell, I admit that even I was wrong – totally, inexorably wrong. Numerous times on Fox News I said, “They had WMDs by the ton in Iraq.””
You are the only military pundit who has admitted that they have been on national TV spouting lethal gibberish. Well done.
However, the reason I felt compelled to write is because of comments you made in an interview with the ‘National Review Online’. Asked about women in combat you said, “I don’t care if I have a whole division of lesbians if they can do the job.”
I consider myself as open-minded as the next man, David, but I can’t follow you on this one. Frankly, the thought of 15,000 lesbians armed to the teeth makes me quake in my shoes.
Besides, wouldn’t it be culturally insensitive to invade Islamic or macho Hispanic countries and kill their citizens with brigades of belligerent Sapphic soldiers?
Sincerely
Andy Bain
PS Any chance of a signed photo? I enclose a SASE and $20 in case you can oblige.
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139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
July 31, 2008
Senator John Kerry
One Bowdoin Square
Tenth Floor
Boston, MA 02114
Dear Senator Kerry,
Felt compelled to write and congratulate you on the marvelous passage of Senate Bill 2979 – ‘To exempt the African National Congress from treatment as a terrorist organization’. The BBC reported, “Former South African President Nelson Mandela is to be removed from a U.S. terrorism watch list under a bill President Bush signed Tuesday.”
Senator, like many citizens, I was aghast to learn that Mandela, the Nobel Peace Prize winner in 1993, was on the terrorism watch list in 2008. I was equally flabbergasted to learn that the CIA tipped off the Apartheid regime’s security police as to Mandela's whereabouts and disguise, which led to his arrest and incarceration for 27 years. When one recalls that the CIA also assisted Saddam’s rise to power, I think Senator that you will agree with me, that the CIA is a piece of work.
Of course, technically it won’t make any difference since Mandela was always popping into the US to meet presidents, attend rock concerts and address the UN. Still, bills like this send a message and they keep the congress occupied between voting gazillions of dollars for the continuing slaughter in Iraq.
Well done, Senator. Keep up the good work!
Sincerely
Andy Bain
PS. John, could you slip the enclosed $20, for his legal costs, to Senator Ted Stevens the next time you encounter him on the floor? As you know he has been indicted on charges that he concealed hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of gifts and services from a company in his home state, Alaska. We don’t need any more Senators in the slammer.
PPS. I would write to Ted myself but since I am already writing to you it seems profligate to waste another stamp.
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139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
August 3, 2008
Lt. General Ricardo S. Sanchez
c/o Author Mail, 7th Floor
Harper Collins Publishers
10 East 53rd Street
New York, NY 10022
Dear General Sanchez,
Just finished your brilliant book, ‘Wiser in Battle’. One of the best, rip-roaring reads I have ever had. Bravo!
I particularly enjoyed your revealing anecdote that while all hell broke out everywhere in Iraq and the army’s logistics flow was disrupted the juvenile republican placemen in the Green Zone complained, “about not having the full complement of Brown and Root menus”!! Later you recount that with, “overall increased levels of violence, rumors surfaced that Baghdad was in chaos and the city was about to fall. Employees of the Coalition Provisional Authority (CPA) seemed especially upset. Actually, I believe their panic never completely subsided from the moment that full cafeteria menus were cut off…”
General, you make it abundantly clear that you considered Ambassador Bremer and his minions were ‘four-letter fellows’.
On the question of the unpleasantness at Abu Ghraib you make it plain that torture outside of the Geneva Conventions was un-American and unacceptable. We must always ensure our torture falls within the Geneva guidelines.
Ricardo, the reason I write is to support your brave words on page 453. You write,
“In September 2002 Vice President Cheney, Condoleezza rice, Donald Rumsfeld and other key officials announced that Iraq had long-standing ties to al-Qaeda and, by inference, was partly responsible for the 9/11 attacks…In his January 2003 State of the union address President Bush asserted that Saddam was in possession of “the material to produce 500 tons of sarin, mustard [gas] and VX nerve agent… more than 38,000 liters of botulinum toxin…and upwards of 30,000 munitions capable of delivering chemical agents…He also stated that Iraq had attempted to purchase high-strength aluminum tubes suitable for nuclear weapons production and had sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa…a week later Colin Powell spoke before the UN security council, reasserted the link between al-Qeada and Iraq, and presented satellite photos and illustrations that he said showed chemical weapons bunkers and mobile biological weapons factories.
None of it was true.”
It was all a “web of lies”.
General, one question, if I may?
I accept that Cheney, Rice and Rumsfeld must be exposed as amoral dissemblers but is it entirely ethical for you to reveal a brother officer, namely General Powell in front of a global TV audience of 2 billion, to be the biggest liar in history?
Once again congratulations on a wonderful book.
God Bless America
With Best Wishes
Andy Bain
PS Any chance of a signed photo? I enclose a SASE and $20 in case you can oblige.
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139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
August 5, 2008
The Office of Tony Blair
P.O. Box 60519
London
W2 7JU
United Kingdom
Dear Prime Minister,
Stumbled upon a snippet on the BBC website entitled, “10 Things That Make Blokes Cry”. It reported, “In his resignation speech last May, there was a watery shine in Tony Blair’s eyes as he thanked the British people and said, “My apologies to you for the times I have fallen short.”
Tony, when I read that I choked up and found myself blubbering like a big girl’s blouse. Which is very strange as my wife says I am a frozen, dour, insensitive bastard.
The thought of a once boyish Prime Minister, reduced to a haggard, care-worn, balding, wreck, having to slink away despised by his party and the electorate had me dribbling like a giant soppy baby.
I think the last time I wept was when I saw the effects of White Phosphorus (WP) on people in Iraq. WP or Willy Pete, as it is termed by our grunts in the US army, is used to ‘shake and bake’ the recalcitrant population in places like Fallujah. The injuries are really horrific. If humans are hit by pieces of white phosphorus, it can burn right down to the bone. And of course we are also using a modern form of napalm in Iraq too – mark 77, a gel made from kerosene and polystyrene.
However, enough of gloomy, tear-inducing thoughts. Cheer-up, we’re not Iraqi’s!! Here’s twenty bucks – have a drink on me. You look as if you could use a stiff one, Tony.
God Bless America
Support Mr. Cheney and Mr. Bush
Sincerely
Andy Bain
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139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
August 7, 2008
Congressman Patrick J. Murphy
Bristol Office
414 Mill St.
Bristol, PA 19007
Dear Congressman Murphy,
Just finished your autobiography, ‘Taking the Hill – From Philly to Baghdad To the US Congress’. What a cracking good read. You certainly packed a lot into your 34 years – Lawyer, West Point professor, Soldier, Congressman and now acclaimed Author - and such a sensible noggin on those young shoulders.
Was particularly struck by the moving story you recounted on page 5 when some paratroopers shot a twelve-year-old Iraqi child. You wrote,
“The whole case left me with a profound unease. It reminded me of the words of Israeli Prime Minister Golda Meir: that when peace finally comes, it will be easier to forgive our enemies for killing our sons and daughters than it will be to forgive them for making us kill theirs.”
Patrick, when I read that sentence, I must admit, at first I thought, “this guy must be a raving nutcase.” The Iraqis made us kill their children?!? They made us invade their oil rich country and forced us to slaughter them by the hundreds of thousands!?! When did Iraqis threaten us or kill our sons and daughters?
But thinking about it I began to understand your viewpoint. If the Iraqis had simply accepted the invasion and occupation,
the de-baathification, the scrapping of the army, a poltroon as Viceroy, the chaos, the looting, the lack of electricity and clean water, the arrogant, juvenile republicans in the Green Zone, the unemployment and the hunger then everything would have been OK. But like almost all backward, third world populations they behaved illogically and began an insurgency, which we responded to with unlimited savagery, which, of course only inflamed the rebellion which we ruthlessly tried to crush which led…well we all know where it led.
Keep up the good work in Congress.
Sincerely
Andy Bain
PS Could you slip the enclosed $20 to Congressman Jefferson, for his legal expenses, the next time you bump into him on the floor? As you know the Republican attack machine is hounding him.
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139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
August 11, 2008
W. W. Norton & Company
ATTN: Fareed Zakaria
Editor Newsweek International
500 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY 10110
Dear Mr. Zakaria,
Have just finished your excellent new book, ‘The Post-American World’ and many of your prognostications are sound.
So, I was astonished to read an interview you did with CNN, last Friday, where you declared, “Musharraf was good for Pakistan and for America.”
Prima facie this is bonkers. When I read that sentence I thought I had misjudged you and that rather than a sober international political analyst you were in fact a pathetic apologist for US militarism and a fraudulent half-wit. Especially as the Asian Development Bank describes Pakistan as a country with, "poor governance, endemic corruption and social indicators that are among the worst in Asia" And Musharraf and his Military Intelligence are widely considered to be in cahoots with the Taliban and bin-Laden is assumed to be their guest in the North West Frontier!!
Fareed, I was bamboozled. However, on reflection perhaps you are right. Given our inexplicable support for the decades long oppression of the Palestinians, the illegal invasion and slaughter in Iraq and the imminent carnage in Iran anything approaching democracy in the third world is bound to lead to violently anti-American governments.
In these circumstances backing repugnant dictators is our only logical option to deflect the indignation of ordinary people everywhere.
Fareed, do I interpret you correctly? I’d love to hear from you so I have enclosed a SASE.