One of Us is F@#*in' Crazy - Letters to Great Americans
Page 12
Have these cretins not seen the purple fingers denoting who has voted; don’t they know that the Iraqis, after new elections, have been forming a new government for the last five months; don’t they know that President Karzai was recently re-elected in a landslide?
Now, I am not some naïve, mindless redneck, I know these are not perfect countries. I am aware that we had a problem with General Ray Odierno in Iraq throwing himself around like a homicidal bull in a China shop but I am told he now ‘gets it’. I know we have had problems in Afghanistan with corruption and General McCrystals wildly unbalanced behavior and the “outright maniacs” he employed.
Even so, you would think the bunch of toadies at ‘Freedom House’, funded by the State Department, USAID and the CIA could at least lend a hand and claim that Iraq and Afghanistan are Free.
Hilary, please find enclosed $10.
Pass it on to ‘Freedom House’ but instruct them that if a country has an occupying US army it must, at least, be listed as Partly Free.
Yours Sincerely
Andy Bain
PS. Any chance of a nice photo for my daughter?
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139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
27 Sept., 2010
Hillary Rodham Clinton
Secretary of State
U.S. Department of State
2201 C Street NW
Washington, DC 20520
Dear Ms. Clinton,
I wrote to you back in July about the outlandish activities of a renegade CIA front outfit called Freedom House.
I take it you passed on the $10 and ordered them to smarten up. I hope you didn’t just trouser the cash! No…I’m only joshing I know you would never contemplate such a thing. Bill on the other hand…
Hilary, I just checked on Freedom House’s website and these F@#*in’ retards (to use one of Rahm’s favorite aphorisms) are still listing Afghanistan and Iraq as ‘Not Free’!!! Can you believe these morons?
In the circumstances here’s another $10. Please give the poltroons at FH a rocket and make them list any nations with an occupying US army as at least ‘Partly Free’.
Yours sincerely
Andy Bain
PS. Perhaps you should send your instructions via the CIA as no one appears to be listening to you.
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THE SECREATRY OF STATE
WASHINGTON, D.C. 20520
We are pleased to enclose an autographed photograph of the Secretary of State Hilary rodham Clinton.
Please visit our website at www.state.gov for Secretary Clinton’s current speeches and other department information.
Thank you for contacting the U.S. Department of State.
Office of Public Liaison
Bureau of Public Affairs
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139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
July 12, 2010
Norman Podhoretz
Hudson Institute,
Washington, D.C. Headquarters
1015 15th Street, N.W.
6th Floor
Washington, DC 20005
My Dear Podhoretz,
Bill Kristol, on his blurb for your book, ‘Why Are Jews Liberals?’ answers, “God Knows.”
I know how he feels. Frankly, even on my third reading I am unable to divine what exactly you’re getting at, Norman!!
On page 277 you write, “…there is a fatal flaw at the heart of the theory that the liberalism of American Jews stems from the teachings of Judaism…If the theory were valid, the orthodox would be the most liberal sector of the Jewish community…for they are most familiar with the Jewish religious tradition…most deeply influenced by its holy books…”
Norman, isn’t this exactly equivalent to saying that the Mormons should be the most liberal community in the US because they take the Bronze Age ravings of the Old Testament seriously?
But we all know that Mormons are a stone-mad ultra-rightwing cult, which believes God lives on a planet in the Milky Way, comport themselves in holy underwear and are rabidly anti-caffeine. And wouldn’t the polygamist wing of Mormonism be even more serious than the currently monogamous?
Now, I’m not saying that ‘the orthodox” are an equally demented, rabidly irrational bunch of obscurantist loonies. The facts speak for themselves!
Norman, I know the concept is alien to you but liberal Jews may be the sane and sensible ones.
Please find enclosed a SAE and $10. (Have a snort on me!)
Could you drop me a line saying if you think I am on the right lines here?
Yours sincerely
Andy Bain
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139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
July 28, 2010
Norman Podhoretz
Hudson Institute,
Washington, D.C. Headquarters
1015 15th Street, N.W.
6th Floor
Washington, DC 20005
Dear Norman,
Thanks for returning my $10. You are a true gent.
I see from the Wall Street Journal that on the 30th Mar 2010 you wrote –
"I hereby declare that I would rather be ruled by the Tea Party than by the Democratic Party, and I would rather have Sarah Palin sitting in the Oval Office than Barack Obama.[19]
Norman, I now understand why I couldn’t make head nor tail of you book. Apparently, you are an incoherent nitwit!!
Sincerely
Andy Bain
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139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
July 13, 2010
Bill Gates
Secretary of Defense
1400 Defense Pentagon
Washington, DC 20301-1400
My Dear Gates,
Are you aware of the nefarious activities of a website called ‘Antiwar.com’?
Today a grotesque individual describing himself as “Commander Jeff Huber, U.S. Navy (Retired)” wrote: -
“…our commander in Iraq, Ray “The Thing” Odierno, is floating the possibility of a UN peacekeeping force to replace U.S. troops in the country’s northern region…Odie has said some pretty dumb things in the past. It’s as if there’s no buffer between his medulla oblongata and his vocal cords; his ideas seem to spring from his deep subconscious and lunge straight into a microphone. At first glimpse, the notion that a brigade or so of UN sad sacks can accomplish what we have failed to do for seven years and change seems profoundly witless, even for the Desert Ox.”
Now we all know Ray is no military genius! In his book ‘Fiasco’ Thomas E. Ricks writes, “internal Army Reports said that this unit (Odierno’s 4th Infantry Division) – a heavy armored division, despite the name – used ham-fisted approaches that may have appeared to pacify its area in the short term, but in the process alienated large parts of the population…Fourth ID fueled the insurgency…They were cowboys…Every male from sixteen to sixty…that the 4th ID could catch was detained…And when they got out, they were supporters of the insurgency.”
Ok, Ray is no ‘Clauswitz’. But none of our warriors, no matter how dense, deserves to be ridiculed as, ’The Thing”.
Please find enclosed $10, which I hope you will use to sue the scoundrels at AntiWar.com.
Sincerely
Andy Bain
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139Elm Park Mansions
Charlotte, NC, 28269
26 Sept, 2010
Vice President Joe Biden
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Sir Mr biden,
I m Andy Bain and I m 8
bin grounded for calling our pup max a son of a Bitch cos he puked on my bed. Big lumps n green n all
I seen in the New York Times ya said Mr Holbrookes ‘the most egotistical bastard I’ve ever met’ and InMarch when yall thought the mikes was off you said to Barrack Obama tha
t signin some laws was ‘a big fuckin deal’
Tey sayin I kan’t play ball for 3 month. But I want to be Vice presiden t and I told them I gotta to learn to spaek like one.
Uncle Joe, can you tell my Maw if ya gonna be a senatar ya gotta cus some
put in this letter the 10 bucks I got from ma granma so ya kin write ma maw.
Andrew Sneddon Bain III
pS. My granpapy Helped Some with this here letter spellin n such
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Office of the Vice President
Washington
January 4, 2011
Andrew Sneddon Bain III
139 Elm Park Mansions
Charlotte, 28269
Dear Andrew,
On behalf of Vice President Biden, I want to thank you for your kind donation.
Federal law prohibits the White House from accepting monetary items, so I am required toreturn your contribution to you. I hope you are able to find an appropriate recipient for your generous donation.
Again, thank you for thinking of the Vice President. We truly appreciate your support.
Sincerely
Jillian Doody
Director of Correspondence
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The Author can be contacted at
scunnert@live.com