by Nina Croft
“Why don’t you look after her? And by the way, you are not screwed up. Give me a second.” She jumped up, disappeared into the kitchen, and came out ten seconds later with another bottle of wine and the corkscrew. “Why can’t you look after her full-time? Why not apply for custody if you think Matt really doesn’t want her?”
Actually, she didn’t think that; she truly believed Matt’s decision would be based on what was right for Lulu. “I could apply for custody, but how far do you think I’d get with my record? Besides, I’d make a crappy mom. I might just scrape through as an aunt. But I’m not the maternal type. It wouldn’t be fair to Lulu. What can I offer her? I’ll probably just mess up like I did with Emma, and Lulu will pay.”
“Emma was not your fault.”
She ignored the interruption. She was on a self-misery roll now. “Maybe some people are meant to be alone.”
“You are so fucking melodramatic. You are not alone. You have me and Summer and Sam and…Matt.”
She snorted. “If Lulu goes to Australia, how long do you think me and Matt will last? Lulu is the only thing we have in common.” She drank the new glass in one go then slammed it down on the table. “Time to get a grip. This is real life, not fucking fantasy land. It’s for the best. Lulu will be safe and happy and have a real family, and Matt will get his nice, organized life back and go back to shooting people or killing them with his bare hands or whatever it is he does.”
“And you?” Regan asked.
“Hell, you said it yourself. It’s about time I had some fun.”
She was going to tell Sam she was going back on the circuit. That’s what she needed, a few good fights.
“Why does that make me seriously scared?” Regan murmured.
Darcy grinned, even if it was a little forced. “Because you’re a pussy.”
Chapter Eighteen
She’d been avoiding him.
Matt sat in the coffee shop across from the gym and waited until the light went on in the living room upstairs.
It had been three days since his mom had made her momentous announcement. Monday, Darcy had called him and left a message saying she couldn’t make it that night. Something important had come up.
The same yesterday and today.
They needed to talk about this. His mom and dad had another week before they were scheduled to return to Australia. They’d extend their visit if they needed more time to sort out paperwork, but if it was a definite no to the adoption, then they would leave as planned. They’d been pushing him for an answer he didn’t have.
He got the impression his mother believed it was a foregone conclusion—that he’d jump at the chance. Maybe that’s what Darcy thought as well. But it wasn’t only his decision to make—maybe legally it was, but morally, Darcy had as much say as he did. Why couldn’t his parents have lived here, close by? Then he might not have questioned it. But Australia was half a world away. It was weird, but he’d been trying to imagine his life without Lulu—the freedom, living back on base, his dream job without the guilt that he was putting his life at risk. But the image just wouldn’t gel in his head. He’d never wanted a family. Lulu would be happy with his parents, with a mother and father, and the added bonus of a big sister. He might not have considered them perfect parents, but they’d learned from their mistakes. They’d done a fabulous job with Hannah, and Lulu already loved them.
He should be sitting here working out ways to persuade Darcy it was for the best, that she wouldn’t lose access to Lulu. There were great ways to keep in contact now—all the same, no amount of FaceTime was as good as a cuddle. So instead, he was putting it off, hoping she would beg him not to go ahead with it. Take the decision away from him. Say no, to keep Lulu with him. And he’d have to because… Hell, he didn’t know why it mattered so much. He had this horrid, nagging feeling gnawing away at his insides that he wasn’t only going to lose Lulu, but he was losing Darcy as well. But you couldn’t really lose something you’d never had.
So tonight, he’d ignored her text message and here he was.
He tossed some cash on the table and pushed himself up. He glanced once more at the apartment but couldn’t see any movement. Maybe she wasn’t even here. Maybe she hadn’t been lying and something had come up.
Time to find out.
There was no answer when he rang the intercom at the entrance in the alley. He tried again and then pulled his phone from his pocket and hit her number on speed dial. The phone rang five times and then went to voicemail.
“Let me in, Darcy. I’m not leaving until you do.”
Of course she could just ignore him, and he half expected her to. She could be amazingly stubborn—he’d learned that in the weeks since he’d met her. But a second later, the door clicked. He pushed it open and headed up the stairs. At the top, the door to the apartment was open and Darcy stood there, leaning in the entrance, all badass attitude. She wore black jeans and a black tank top, both of which matched the very impressive black eye she was sporting.
What the hell?
He came to a halt only inches away. “What happened to you?”
“Nothing.” She accompanied the word with a shrug.
Reaching out, he stroked his finger down over the swell of her cheek, and she gave an almost imperceptible wince.
“I was in an exhibition match last night. It’s what I do—no big deal.”
So she hadn’t been lying; she had been out last night. “Did you win?”
“Yeah.”
“Why did you do it?” Last time they had talked about her going back on the fight circuit, she’d been undecided.
Another shrug. “Why not?”
He could think of at least one reason—he didn’t like it. If she wanted to fight, then she could fight with him. But maybe that wasn’t an argument to get into right now. If ever. He just shook his head. “Can I come in?”
Her expression clearly showed that she’d rather he didn’t—when and why had he become the enemy? Again. But she shifted to the side so he could pass, pulling back to ensure they didn’t touch. Then she closed the door behind him. He stood for a moment in the hallway. He was pretty sure they were alone, which was good; he didn’t think he could handle Regan’s sarcasm just now.
He followed Darcy into the kitchen. She pulled a couple of beers from the fridge and handed one to him, then gestured to the table. He sat down and took a sip of his beer, studying her and trying to subdue the urge to find out who had given her the black eye and go kill the bastard.
She leaned back in her chair, not looking at him, sipping from the bottle of beer.
“Come on, Darcy,” he said. “You can’t ignore this. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
She put the bottle on the table, then pursed her lips. “I think it’s a fabulous opportunity for Lulu.”
“If it’s so good, why have you been avoiding me?”
“I said for Lulu. Not for me. I’ve just found her, and now I’m going to lose her again. So, yes, I’ve been ignoring it. Like one of those things that if you don’t think about it, don’t talk about it, then it will just go away. But this isn’t going to go away.”
“It’s not a foregone conclusion.”
She raised a brow and swallowed the last of her beer, placing the bottle gently on the table as though she was holding everything in tight. “Isn’t it? Tell me you haven’t already made up your mind.”
“No, I haven’t, because it isn’t just my decision to make.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Legally, maybe. But we both know if my brother hadn’t been such an asshole, you wouldn’t have gone to prison and you would have no doubt gotten custody of Lulu from the start.”
“If your brother hadn’t been an asshole, Emma would still be alive and Lulu would be with her mother.”
“Good point. But you know what I’m saying.”
“So what? You’re offering me custody of Lulu?”
“Joint custody. If you want it.”
She wen
t perfectly still, then blew out her breath. She got up, paced the room, went to stand by the window and look down to the street below. When she came back, he could see he’d shaken her. “I wasn’t expecting that,” she said.
“You’re her aunt. She loves you. You love her.”
“I’d be no good for her. I never wanted custody.”
“That’s because you’re a coward. You think because you lost Emma, that you’ll fail Lulu as well. But it wasn’t your fault.”
“Maybe not. But the truth is—this isn’t about me and what I want. It’s about what’s best for Lulu. She deserves a family. With your parents, she’ll get much more than she will with either you or me. They love her. And she loves them. There is no downside to this.”
“For Lulu. What about us?”
She cocked her head to one side and studied him. “Will you miss her?”
“Hell, yes. I thought not, but I can’t even imagine life without her now. But as you said—it’s not about us.”
“Will they be good to her? You don’t sound as though you were too impressed with their parenting skills.”
“They’ll be great. I think Hannah is proof of that.”
“She’s a sweet girl. Lulu will be lucky to have her for a sister.”
This was it. She was supposed to have saved him from this. He’d relied on her to be the selfish one. To say no way, Lulu had to stay. And he would have had to agree, because she’d been dealt a shitty hand by his brother and she didn’t deserve to be hurt anymore. Instead, she was being the strong one. He should have known she would do the right thing. But how could the right thing hurt so damn much? He took a deep breath. “It’s agreed, then. I’ll tell my parents to go ahead and start the paperwork.”
“I don’t think there was ever a question.” She pressed her lips together in a tight line and swallowed.
He’d never expected to see her cry. She was so tough. Now he watched as a tear welled up and spilled out over her cheek. She dashed it away, but another followed. “Shit. Crap. Sorry.” She sniffed. “Maybe you’d better go.”
No way.
He pushed his chair back and got to his feet, moved around the table to stand next to her. He held out his hand. She looked at it for a minute then slid her palm into his. He pulled her to her feet and then into his arms, wrapping them tight around her.
For a minute, she was stiff in his arms, then the tension went out of her, she pressed her face against his throat, and he felt the wetness of her tears. She shivered, and he held her closer.
He was no good at comforting, but maybe he could make her forget for a little while.
Pulling back slightly, he lowered his head and kissed her.
…
Why the hell was he being so nice? She needed to toughen up.
She’d told herself she could do this, that she just had to get the words out. And she had. If Matt had left straight afterward, or been horrible, then she would have been fine. But he hadn’t, and she never cried, and yet now, she couldn’t stop.
She’d also accepted that it was over between her and Matt. Lulu was the glue that had held them together. With Lulu gone, there was nothing. Better to accept that now and maybe move on with her life. That had been her thought behind doing the fight last night. She’d gotten Sam to pull some strings and arrange it. But she’d known almost straight away, as soon as she’d stepped into the ring, that the excitement had gone out of the fight circuit for her.
That returning to that life was going backward, and she had to find a way to move forward.
She should push him away. Really, she should, but instead she pressed her body closer to his. Her mouth opened beneath his, and she kissed him back with everything she felt inside. When she ran out of oxygen, she pulled away, buried her head in the curve where his neck met his shoulder, breathing in the warm, masculine scent of him.
Just once more. Surely, she could have that. Then she’d let him go, because she was no good for him. Just as she’d been no good for Emma and no doubt would have messed things up with Lulu as well.
But tonight, he was hers. She’d tried to push him away. She’d planned to call him tomorrow, tell him that he should go ahead. Tell his parents that she supported them and wouldn’t stand in their way of adopting Lulu. Not that she legally could have stopped it if Matt was determined to go ahead.
But he’d surprised her and given her the option to say no. And that had messed her up totally.
She knew he loved Lulu, but also that taking in his niece had complicated his life. And while she’d expected reservations, she’d also expected him to accept. Yet he’d given her the option of joint custody, and for a brief moment in time, she’d thought about it. But just for a moment. It wasn’t really a viable option. His parents offered the whole deal; a proper family life. She’d seen pictures of their home, the big garden, the ready-made sister. How could she take that from Lulu? When she had so little to offer in return.
Matt stepped back, cupped her face in his palms, and wiped her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs.
She sniffed. “Sorry. Tears over.”
He didn’t answer, just lowered his head and kissed her cheeks, butterfly kisses, gentle and soft, that melted her insides. Finally, he returned to her lips and took them in a drugging kiss. His hands slid around her, and he picked her up, holding her against his chest without breaking the kiss. He carried her out of the kitchen, through the living room, and into her bedroom, kicking the door closed behind them. He carried her with ease. She wasn’t small, and she could feel the strength in his arms, the muscles bunching.
He lowered her to the bed, came down over her, and she wrapped her legs around him, pulling him close, sliding her hands through his hair and holding him to her.
She pushed all thoughts from her mind and gave herself up to pure feelings. If this was the last time they’d be together, she wasn’t going to spoil it with negative thoughts.
His hands stroked down over her torso, tugged her tank top up and over her head, then he came up on one elbow and stared down at her. She had a bruise over her rib cage, and he trailed over it with his fingertips then cupped her breast. Lowering his head, he kissed her nipple, stroked it with his tongue, sending waves of pleasure rolling through her. She shifted restlessly beneath him, an ache at her core. Tightening her legs around him, she rubbed her sex against his hardening erection, desperate for some sort of release.
His mouth shifted to her other breast, his teeth biting down, and fire flared in her belly. Without leaving her breasts, his hand slid down over her stomach, flicking open the button on her jeans and pushing inside. His fingers curled into her, sinking through the folds of her sex. She was drenched, and so sensitive, a gasp escaped her throat. She shifted her hips, pushing against him. His fingers rubbed over her clit, and suddenly she was frantic. She needed him inside her. Now.
Her hands went to her waist, and she shoved her jeans down over her hips, kicked off her sandals. He was in the way, and she pushed him off and freed herself of the last of her clothes. Matt must have gotten the idea. He stripped with amazing speed, cursing as his pants got caught on his erection. Finally, he was as naked as she was. His cock was hard, vertical against his belly, and her sex ached with want. She reached behind her and grabbed a condom from the bedside table, threw it at him, watching as he tore it open with his teeth then rolled it down over his shaft. Then he was on her, his weight pressing her down into the mattress. She opened her legs, and he slid between her thighs, his cock finding where it needed to be. She was so wet, he entered her easily, filling her, stretching her. When he was lodged deep inside, he stared down into her face. “I’ll never regret this.”
She didn’t want him to talk. She didn’t want real life to intrude, so she bucked her hips against him. Pleasure flashed across his face. She tightened her inner muscles, squeezing, sending the thoughts from his mind, the words from his lips. His eyes closed briefly, but when they opened, they blazed with desire. He withdrew slowly, her se
x tingling, then pushed back in, pressing against her clit, and pleasure flooded her. He ground against her slowly then pulled out. She bucked her hips again, trying to make him speed up; she needed this hard and fast. Instead, he held onto his control, moving slowly, each thrust driving her higher. Each grind against her sensitive clit stoking the fires inside her. The pleasure was building, coalescing in her belly, tightening her muscles, until it burst over her, shattering her, dragging her under. And still he moved inside her, so the pleasure burst again.
She opened her eyes to find him staring down at her, his jaw clenched. She dug her nails into the hard swell of his ass, pushed herself against him, and his control finally snapped. He thrust into her hard and fast, and she came again, her back arching as he spilled himself deep inside her and kept on pumping. Holding her gaze with his.
He collapsed onto her, rolling onto his side then onto his back, dragging her with him so she sprawled across his hard body, limp and satiated but already wanting more.
“I love you.”
The words were softly spoken, so quiet that she might have imagined them, except they were so far from anything she could have imagined, that they must be real.
He didn’t love her. He couldn’t love her. Love was never meant to be part of this.
She’d lost everyone she had ever loved.
This was not happening.
She made to roll off him, and he held her tight. She gritted her teeth and pushed harder. Finally, he released his hold, and she pulled free and got to her feet. Her legs shook. She didn’t look at him as she crossed to the wardrobe, pulled out a black T-shirt dress, and dragged it over her head. She couldn’t do this naked. When she turned back to him, he was still lying on his back, his long, lean body so beautiful, she had to drag her gaze away.
He didn’t love her.
This was just heightened emotion. The whole Lulu thing was messing with his head. As it had messed with hers.
Because she didn’t love him, either. She just liked him. Liked the way he made her feel. But that wasn’t love. She paced the room. Could she pretend she hadn’t heard? Pretend he’d never said the words?
