by Nina Croft
“Are you going to deny you feel something for me?”
The words brought her up short, and she whirled around and faced him. Her body ached. From the fight last night. From making love. From the idea that they might never be together again.
Regan had warned her. Why hadn’t she listened?
She swallowed. Tried to think of what to say. Her eyes felt hot and tight, and she so wasn’t going to cry again.
She licked her lips.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “I know you don’t feel the same. But I wanted you to know.” He sat up and ran a hand through his hair. “I won’t be a nuisance. Once Lulu has gone, I’ll be moving overseas. I’ll be out of your life. You won’t need to see me again.”
That was exactly what she’d intended. To never see him again. But now, the very idea sent pain stabbing through her. She cleared her throat, forced the words out of her dry throat. “That’s good. I know it’s what you wanted.” He’d always been very clear that he wasn’t a long-term relationship sort of guy.
“And you can go back to fighting,” he said. “What you do best.”
She didn’t disabuse him of the idea. “I can. And I won’t have to explain the bruises to Lulu.”
“It’s all working out.”
He stood up, grabbed his pants from the floor, and pulled them on. He shook his head. “I never expected to say ‘I love you’ to anyone. So I probably fucked it up.” Shrugging, he bent down and picked up his shirt. “But as I said—you needed to know. I’m sorry my brother messed up your life.” He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled on his socks and shoes. Then he rose to his feet and crossed to where she stood. Her heart hurt. And she had no words, or none that would make things any better, so she stood speechless as he cupped her face in his palm. “You’re a good person, Darcy Butler. And I’m glad I met you.”
Then his hand dropped to his side, and he turned around and walked away.
She didn’t move until she heard the slam of the front door. Then she collapsed to the floor. Hugging her knees to her chest, she waited for the pain to subside. It was so familiar. She remembered it well from when her parents had died. Her sister. When she’d known she had to let Lulu go. But it didn’t go away, just ate into her, leaving a raw, empty place inside.
She didn’t love him. She wouldn’t allow herself to love him.
Because she lost everyone that she loved, and she didn’t think she could take one more blow.
She didn’t love him, and yet here she was, broken and alone.
She had no clue how long she sat huddled on the floor as the room went dark around her. Finally, she took a deep breath and pushed herself to her feet. And started the process of putting herself back together. Again.
Chapter Nineteen
Matt emptied his glass in one gulp then slammed it onto the bar. The scotch burned as it went down his throat and settled in his belly with a fiery heat. He could already feel the buzz in his brain. It was far from his first drink of the night. He was sitting at the bar, in a pub, with Gary and Angie perched on barstools on either side of him. The pub was nice—very old-worldly and just around the corner from Darcy’s gym—but that wasn’t why he was here. Just pure coincidence. Because it was over between them. He was a trained soldier. He knew when to make a strategic withdrawal.
“Are you planning on getting shit-faced?” Gary asked.
Waves of disapproval wafted across from Gary and Angie, who were both sipping delicately on their beers. They felt more like jailers tonight than friends intent on letting him drown his sorrows. Except he didn’t have any sorrows, because everything was working out amazingly well. Anyway, what the hell was it to them if he wanted to get pissed? They were always telling him to loosen the fuck up, and as soon as he did, they came down on him.
Some people were never happy.
Unlike him. He was fucking deliriously happy. Everything was going his way. His parents had extended their stay another week, they had a flight booked for Sunday, including a ticket for Lulu. The paperwork was going through with the help of the Australian embassy. The adoption wouldn’t be finalized, but they had permission to take her. It was all going fucking great. So here he was, celebrating.
Thoughts of Lulu invariably brought Darcy to the forefront of his mind. The two were inextricably entwined. Lulu and Darcy. It had been a week since he’d seen her, since he’d made the monumentally stupid mistake of telling her he loved her. She’d taken Lulu out on Saturday as usual, but he’d made himself scarce. She’d been more than clear that she didn’t want to see him again, and he owed it to her to make this as easy as possible.
Why the hell had he told her he loved her?
Why couldn’t he have left well enough alone? She didn’t need to know. More to the point, she didn’t want to know, and he’d just made things worse. What had he expected? A declaration of love in return? And then what? Darcy had always made it very clear that she didn’t do love. Or long-term relationships. She’d never wanted to be a mother to Lulu.
“Well?” Angie prompted, tearing him from his happy thoughts.
He turned to face her, raised his glass, and emptied it in one go. “Yes,” he answered. “I plan on getting totally, rat-arsed, shit-faced. And as my best friends, I expect you to keep me company.”
“Why?” Angie asked.
“Why what?”
“Why are you so…angry?”
He thought about that one. Was he angry? Actually, he didn’t recognize the feelings churning inside him. Maybe he didn’t want to inspect them too closely. Because he was scared of what he’d find. “I’m not fucking angry. I have no reason to be angry. I’m deliriously happy. Everything is going great. My life is back on track, and I’m just trying to celebrate with my friends. So…” He banged his glass on the bar to get the bartender’s attention. “Another round,” he said, then turned his attention back to Angie, who was watching him, her eyes narrowed. “What now?” he asked with an impatient sigh.
“You never got drunk before,” Angie replied in a way too reasonable voice.
“People change. I’ve had responsibilities for nearly two years. Now, I’m free. Yay!”
“You’re doing the right thing, mate,” Gary said.
“Of course I am.”
“The best thing for everyone,” Angie added. “Not just Lulu.”
“Yes, everyone involved is very happy with the way things have turned out.” It had been a mistake to come out tonight. But he’d been restless, fed up with his own company, and if he was honest, in danger of giving in and calling Darcy, begging her to see him again. Only that was not part of their agreement. He’d had a good day at work, including a meeting with his commanding officer. His dream position was in his grasp. Soon, he’d be too busy to think about anything else. He’d be doing something useful. A job he’d trained for. With that edge of danger to add a little excitement. Except somehow, he couldn’t seem to get excited about it. He just needed to give himself time—he’d get over this. The truth was Lulu had weaseled herself into his heart. She was in there too deep to easily let go. This was always going to be a shit time. It just had to be gotten through. So when Gary had called up and asked him to meet them for a drink, he’d said a reluctant yes.
And here he was.
“It’s Darcy, isn’t it?”
He gritted his teeth. He was quite aware that Angie had never approved of Darcy, and he didn’t really understand why. They were both strong women. He would have thought they’d feel some sort of affinity. He wasn’t going to answer her question, so he asked one of his own. “Why don’t you like her?”
Angie looked a little taken aback by the question. “I don’t not like her.”
He raised a skeptical brow then turned to Gary. “What about you?”
“I like her.”
“But…?”
He shrugged. “She’s just not right for you. You’re a success story. You made it—the whole enlisted-to-officer thing. You need someone to support you
in that, and she’s…”
“An ex-con?” Suddenly he was furiously angry. “She went to prison for trying to protect her sister from my bastard of a brother. She did nothing wrong. And I can’t believe you’re the type of people to look down on someone for doing the right thing.”
Angie bit her lip. “You’re right. We just want what’s best for you.”
“Well, you’ll be pleased to know—so does Darcy.”
“You care about her.”
It wasn’t a question. And he ran a hand through his hair. “It doesn’t matter. It’s over.”
Gary slapped him on the shoulder. “It’s for the best.”
Of course it was for the best. Like everything else. “Can we drop the subject and have a fucking drink now?”
“Yeah.” They both picked up their drinks and raised them. “Congratulations on the new position,” Gary said.
“Thanks.”
They talked of other things then, not really the job, because that was not something he was allowed to talk about. They kept the subjects neutral, and he felt a little like he was walking on the edge of a precipice. But the alcohol was doing its job and there was a nice buzz in his brain. All the same, he felt restless. As though his skin was too tight, his muscles tense.
A couple was arguing at a corner table, intruding on his nice buzz, and he turned to look at them. There was a big man with long hair pulled into a ponytail and tattoos down his arm. The woman sitting across from him was tiny and blond and pretty. Fear flashed in her eyes as the man reached out and grasped her wrist. She cried out in pain and tried to pull free.
Bastard.
Matt was on his feet before he could think better of it. He swayed a little—clearly, he wasn’t used to this amount of alcohol. But he steadied himself and then crossed the room, coming to a halt in front of the couple. The big guy still held her way too tightly.
“Let her go.”
They both went immediately still, then the man glanced up. Ugly bastard. “This is none of your business. Fuck off.”
Matt turned his attention to the woman. Her eyes were bright with tears, a flush across her cheeks. “Say the word and I’ll get him off you.”
The man snorted in disbelief, and she forced a smile. “I’m all right. Really.” The grip on her fragile wrist tightened, and she winced. “There’s not a problem. You should go.”
He sensed Gary come up beside him, Angie on his other side. “What’s the problem?” Gary asked.
He waved a hand at the man. “He needs to get his fucking hands off her. Right now.”
How many times had Darcy’s sister been in this position? How many times had Steven used his superior strength to browbeat her into submission? And people would have watched and done nothing. Because people didn’t like to interfere. It was none of their business. To hell with that.
Two more men approached the table. Friends of the asshole, judging by their tattoos and matching ponytails. Good. He doubted one was going to be enough.
“What’s going on?”
“This guy is pushing his nose in where it’s not wanted.”
“You want us to make him disappear?”
“Try it,” Matt murmured, and in that moment, it was exactly what he wanted. He wanted to release the rage churning inside him. Wanted a legitimate enemy that he could let go his frustrations on. He straightened and squared his shoulders.
“Please, just go,” the woman said, her eyes pleading and embarrassed at the same time. He’d always wondered why anyone would put up with being abused. But he’d done some reading on the subject since he’d found out about Steven. It was a complex issue and often as much about the abused as the abuser. Darcy had told him that Emma had been in an emotional state when she’d met Steven. Their parents had just died, and she’d been looking for support. Steven had used that against her. “You’ll just make things worse,” she finished.
“Yeah,” the man said. “Listen to her. You’ll just make things worse.”
Actually, he was going to make sure that the man wasn’t in any condition to make things worse for anyone. Angie rested a hand on his arm and tugged. When he didn’t budge, her grip tightened. “Drop it, Matt. You can’t afford to get into a fight.”
“I’m just supposed to let this asshole walk away? Do what the fuck he likes?” He was too late to help Darcy’s sister, but this time, he wasn’t looking the other way. He was never looking the other way again. He’d done that far too much with Steven. He should have seen what was going on. He recognized then the guilt that had been eating him from inside since he’d learned the truth about Steven and Emma. He shook himself free of Angie’s grasp. “Stay out of this.” He turned to Gary. “You, too.”
“This is a really bad idea, mate.”
“Well, I’ve had a few of them lately.” He turned back to the man. “Let her go.”
When he got no response except an insolent smile, he leaned down, took the man’s wrist, and squeezed tight. Then tighter, until the bones grated together. He held the man’s gaze. Finally, when he thought the bones might snap—like he gave a toss—the asshole let go of the woman. Matt dropped his hold and stepped back, swaying a little. That scotch really was strong stuff. He liked it. “Outside.”
The man stood up. He was huge. A good three inches taller than Matt’s six-foot-three, and broad at the shoulders, his muscles big and bulky. Too many steroids.
“This is so not good,” Angie said.
It felt pretty good to him. “It will be all right.” He patted her arm but suspected from the way she was gnawing her lower lip that she wasn’t reassured. “I said outside. And feel free to invite your friends to join us. I don’t want this over too soon.”
“Jesus,” Gary said. “Are you goddamn crazy, Matt?”
“Yeah.” But crazy felt like the new normal right now. At least it felt a hell of a lot better than pathetic, lovesick loser.
Gary ignored him and turned to his opponents. “You do realize this man is SAS. He’s a trained lethal weapon, and you lot are all fucked.”
“Of course he is.” The asshole sounded skeptical, but actually took a step back. If he wasn’t careful, they were going to back out. He needed this fight. He wanted this fight.
“He’s lying,” he said. “I’m not a soldier. I’m a plumber.” He shrugged out of his jacket and handed it to Angie. “Let’s go.”
“Oh, hell,” Angie said. “This is so bad. Think of something. Fast.”
…
Darcy was sharing a bottle of wine with Regan, sitting at a roadside table at the cafe across the street from the gym. She’d needed to get out but hadn’t wanted to “go out” as such. So when Regan had called, she’d suggested they meet up here.
Across the road, Darcy could see the gym was still busy. It was after nine—they closed at ten thirty—but there were still people entering. Business was good. If she wanted to move on, she would have no trouble selling the business. And she’d be left with enough money to live on for the rest of her life. Property prices in this part of London had sky-rocketed over the last few years. It would give her enough so she need never work again. Enough to visit Lulu halfway across the world whenever she wanted. Once her parole was over.
But she couldn’t imagine it. What would she do with her time?
“What are you thinking?” Regan asked. “I know it’s not about Lulu or Matt because you haven’t got that pathetic, misty, my-heart-is-broken look in your eyes.”
“Piss off,” she said.
“Not likely. I have orders that I am not to allow you too much time alone.” Orders from Summer, she guessed. She was flying back from her honeymoon tonight, but no doubt Regan had been in touch. “You’re not allowed to wallow in misery.”
“I’m not miserable.”
Regan rolled her eyes. “Don’t lie to someone who’s been there.”
Regan had gone through hell with Nate. A jewel thief from a family of habitual criminals and a second-generation detective. And not just any
detective, but the one who had put her away. The things against them had seemed insurmountable. But in the end, love had won out.
Darcy snorted.
“What?” Regan asked.
“Just thinking about you and Nate. Like a goddamn fairy tale.”
It was Regan’s turn to look misty-eyed—a look Darcy had never expected to see on her friend’s face. None of them had had men on their agendas when they’d been released from prison.
“And don’t forget Summer and Nik.”
She shrugged. “Well, two out of three isn’t bad.”
Regan reached across and patted her arm. “Maybe you should fight for what you want?”
Darcy took a gulp of wine and glanced at Regan warily. She didn’t want to talk about this. She was getting through by mixing denial with work. But she couldn’t resist the question. “And what is it you think I want?” she asked.
“You want Soldier Boy and the baby all wrapped up in one nice package.”
“No, I don’t.” The idea was ludicrous. “Ha, just imagine me as the Captain’s wife. Going to regimental tea parties. And discussing schools with the other wives.”
“You could do it. You could do absolutely anything you want to.”
“Well, I don’t want to. And neither does Matt. And if Lulu was old enough to be given the choice, she would probably choose to go to Australia, too.” All she’d talked about on their last outing was her grandparents and Hannah and the puppy they had promised her when they got home. She pursed her lips, hoping Regan would drop the subject. No such luck.
“Maybe you wouldn’t be a typical army wife, but that’s not why you’re doing this. Or rather, not doing this.”
“This?”
“Going after what you really want. Fighting for the people you love.”
“People?” She gave Regan her best narrow-eyed stare.
“Don’t snap my head off, Darcy Butler. You don’t scare me. You love Lulu, and you love Matt, and that terrifies you to death, because you don’t think you deserve either of them.”
