To Live Again

by Melody Dawn

  I pull his face to mine and say, “I don’t want to talk.”

  Next, I pull down his boxer briefs and pull my shirt over my head.

  He tries to slow me down by asking, “Chloe, what are you doing?”

  I gather up all my courage for what I’m about to say next. “I want you to fuck me, Jayson. And if you won’t do it, I will find someone who will.”

  He looks sick and I wonder at the cruelty within me.

  Running his fingers through his hair, he asks, “Why are you doing this, Chloe? You know I want you, but not like this.”

  I roll over and straddle him and say, “Really, it feels like you do.” I start rubbing against him and I can see the wetness from my pussy is making him grit his teeth.

  With a force, I didn’t think he would ever use on me, he lifts me from his body and says, “Stop this now! I want to know why you are acting like this. Like I’m just some cheap fuck for you to come over when you need to get off.”

  In my mind, I know this is it. Just tell him none of it is real, you don’t love him, and you are going to find someone to satisfy you since he won’t or can’t. I open my mouth to say those terrible things, but it sticks in my throat. I know I have to end this so I force it out.

  “That’s exactly what you are, Jayson…a cheap fuck and obviously not a very good one since we still haven’t had sex. I knew you were one of those guys that had to have a commitment first. I just wanted to lose my virginity.”

  Jayson’s face turns pale and I want to comfort him, but I know I can’t. In a low voice, he says, “Get your fucking clothes on and get out of my goddamned house!” I get dressed quickly while he faces the wall and before I walk out the door, I turn, and the last thing I see is his shoulders shaking…he’s silently crying.

  Feeling like I’m going to pass out, I rip the door open and Connor is standing there. The look on his face chills me to the bone and I take a step back.

  He says though gritted teeth, “Madison told me you were coming over here to break it off, but I never fucking dreamed you were capable of what you just did. I heard every fucking word! Next time genius, shut the door all the way! Now, you heard my brother…get out of our fucking house!”

  I run down the stairs and out the door, trying to reach my car before I lose it. Once behind the wheel, I throw my car into drive, and get the hell out of there. I’m so sick with shame that I have to pull over and throw up the breakfast I ate at the Reece’s house. I don’t know where to go, Madison doesn’t want to see me, and I can’t go back to our apartment.

  I decide to go to the one place that always gives me peace…the water. Before I turn my phone off, I book a room on the Seawall Inn in Galveston and hope that while I’m there, I can get some clarity. I’m thinking it may be time to move to another city. I can’t stay here with Jayson at the same school and I don’t think I have a best friend anymore. My memory is haunted with the look on Jayson’s face and the sight of his shoulders shaking. I will never forget it and honestly, I shouldn’t; it’s a reminder to both myself and others of what I’m capable of…nothing but darkness and pain

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chloe

  I make it to the Galveston Seawall in record time. Thankfully since it’s the middle of the week, I don’t have to contend with zillions of people. I check into the Seaside Inn and get one of their rooms on the 2nd floor, room 208. Each room has a set of chairs sitting outside the door so you can sit outside on the front balcony and watch the ocean or should I say, the Gulf of Mexico.

  After changing into my swimsuit top and shorts, I sit there on the bed staring at my phone. I want to turn it on so badly, but I’m a coward. I don’t know if I will be able to listen to Madison’s recriminations, Connor cursing me out, and I don’t even what to imagine what Jayson will have to say. Or maybe he won’t say anything at all.

  My stomach lurches painfully when I think of the look on his face as I so hurtfully told him he meant nothing to me. A part of me hoped he wouldn’t believe me and would call me out on it. And then to make matters worse, I didn’t just hurt him, I stabbed him in the heart and twisted the knife.

  As I was saying it, I was questioning whether I was doing the right thing. I know I talked a big game to Madison and even to myself, but deep down, I wanted to beg for his forgiveness. When I saw his shoulders shaking, I almost gave in, if it hadn’t been for Connor being there, I might have. Speaking of Connor, even if by some miracle Jayson ever thought about forgiving me, I know Connor never will.

  Why am I even thinking about whether he will forgive me or not? I just gutted the man in his own home. Right now, he’s probably already gone back to Alyssa. And who could blame him. The more I have these thoughts, the sicker I become. I keep looking at my phone and with a sigh, I turn it on. Before it boots up all the way, text notifications are flying and my voicemail tone is ringing nonstop. I swear I’m a masochist because I open up the first text message and it’s from Madison:

  Madison: Where the hell are you?

  Madison: Chloe, turn your damn phone on.

  Madison: You’re really pissing me off beyond belief and I didn’t think it was possible for

  me to be more pissed at you.

  Madison: How long are you going to hide?

  Madison: I hope you’re ok. You’re scaring me. Please text me back and let me know

  you’re ok.

  Madison: When did you become so selfish? I would never do this to you.

  Madison: I just heard from Connor…in case you care, Jayson is drinking himself into a

  stupor.

  I am so conflicted. I don’t know whether to contact her or not. Actually, I know I should at least let her know I’m ok.

  Chloe: I just now got all of your messages…my phone was off. I’m ok. I just needed to get away for a while.

  Madison: Where are you?

  Chloe: I would rather not say.

  Madison: Why the hell not? If you think it’s because Jayson is going to come and look

  for you, you don’t have to worry about that. Even if I know where you are, I wouldn’t

  tell him.

  Chloe: Thank you. I’m in Galveston.

  Madison: No need to thank me…the last thing that he needs to see or hear is from you.

  Chloe: You’re right.

  Madison: No, Chloe, you don’t get to play the sad card. You have annihilated that man.

  All I want to know is that you are in a safe place. I care about you, but I really don’t like

  you right now.

  Madison: I expect you to keep your phone on. Don’t make me chase your ass to

  Galveston; I have an exam to study for.

  Chloe: Ok

  After that barrage of messages, there isn’t much left to say to each other. I notice my voicemail indicator is blinking. I look through my Visual Voicemail and most of them are from Madison, but one is from Jayson. I don’t know if I can make myself listen to it. But, I do, because even if it’s him telling me how much he hates me, I want to hear his voice one more time.

  I click the play button on Jayson’s voicemail and his beautiful voice surrounds me. “So, it’s me. You know, the cheap fuck. I don’t know why I’m calling you. I just want you to know that I still love you, but I hate you even more. I hope you find what you’re looking for in life. Obviously, it isn’t me. Goodbye, Chloe.”

  With that message, something in me shatters. I finally realize what I have lost due to my own refusal of dealing with my past issues. What seemed like the right thing to do this morning to protect Jayson now seems so monumentally stupid. If I had only listened to Madison and gotten help, talked to Jayson about my past, or even acknowledged it to myself, I would be somewhere else right now. Maybe in Jayson’s arms. When I think of never being there again, I cry until I have no voice left.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Connor

  I walk to Jayson’s door and ask, “Hey dude, are you up yet? You’re going to be late for school.”<
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  I listen at Jase’s door for a minute and don’t hear any noise, but this God-awful song that has been playing on repeat for a million hours! I knock again, and I finally hear Jayson’s voice.

  “Go ahead without me, I’m not going today.”

  “I’m about to open the door, so you better cover up anything that will cause me to need eye bleach,” I say, hoping he will laugh.

  Opening the door, I almost fall over from the fumes. It smells like a bar or a Jack Daniels distillery in here. I get mad all over again when I see the condition he is in.

  Trying to talk over the music, I ask, “Man, what the hell are you doing? Trying to poison yourself? How much of that shit have you drank? And please turn that damn song off. If I have to hear Blake Shelton and Christina sing about being “Just a Fool” one more time, I’m going to punch you in the junk. Of course, since you aren’t using your junk for anything, it shouldn’t matter too much.” I try to get him to laugh with all my usual crap that I say to get him going, but he’s just lying there staring at the ceiling.

  Fuck, I want to hurt that little bitch! I’ve never wanted to really hurt a woman before, but when I heard what she said to him, I wanted to cause her bodily injury. Ok, maybe not actually physically hurt her, but something to make her understand what she’s done. Of course, Madison keeps trying to tell me what a “terrible life” she has had. Fuck her life, she should have stayed away from my brother if she knew her secrets would hurt him.

  Finally, I find J’s iPad under his covers and I switch the music off. Maybe now my ears will quit bleeding. I need to somehow get the bottle of Jack away from him before he slips into an alcoholic induced coma. I told Madison he was drinking a lot, but I had no idea it was this bad.

  “J, give me the bottle. I mean it, man, don’t make me pull out the big guns.”

  Hearing that threat, he opens his eyes and says, “I feel like shit.”

  Trying not to laugh, I say, “I know you do, that’s why you need to hand over your best friend, Jack, and let me spend some time with him. And, we need to get you in the shower. If mom comes over and sees you like this, I pity you.” He flips me off and turns his back to me so I bring out the big guns. “Ok, I’ll call her now; maybe she can get you into the shower.”

  He immediately stands up, swaying, but he’s on his feet. I mentally file away “Mom blackmail” for the next time I need him to do something.

  “Ok, it’s shower…”

  Before I get the next words out, I hear Linda Blair style retching. Fucking hell, I can’t clean up puke; that’s why I’m not going to be a doctor. I can’t handle this kind of crap.

  I walk him to his bathroom and tell him to sit on the side of the tub until I’m done. I start the water and set the temperature so we can get some of this booze and puke off of him. While I’m waiting for the water to heat up, I grab a towel and a couple of washcloths. I look over at my brother and he is sitting there with his elbows on his knees and his head hanging down.

  I hate seeing him like this. We give each other a lot of shit, but seeing him this way is tearing me up. I’ll say it again, this is why I don’t do relationships. You give someone the power over you and the next thing you know you’re crying in your booze over how they stomped on your heart.

  I can hear Madison in my mind telling me to shut up, so I get his toothbrush and mouthwash and walk over to him. Putting my hand on his shoulder, I ask, “Hey, you want to brush the funk out of your mouth? You’ll feel a lot better.” He shakes his head yes and I see his red rimmed eyes in the mirror as he brushes. I really need to get out of here. Once he finishes, I ask, “Are you going to be ok in the shower?” He says yes and I tell him I’m going to try and clean up his bedroom.

  Now that I’m back in this stinking hellhole my normally OCD brother lives in, I call my girl, Madison.

  She answers the phone with “Hey sunshine, what’s up?”

  I laugh and say, “I’ll tell you what’s up…”

  She immediately groans and says, “Connor, if I hear about your junk one more time!”

  I can’t help but tease her a bit, “Whatever, you wish it was up for you.”

  “I’m about to hang up,” she huffs! “

  NO, wait! I need your help…really badly. Can you come by the house? Where are you? I need you to come by here now!”

  Quickly, she says, “Ok, ok, don’t get your panties in a twist, I’ll be there in a few minutes. What’s going on? Does Jayson need help?”

  I cross my fingers since I’m lying and say, “Uh yeah, he really does. So, hurry up and get here.”

  Now that I no longer have to clean up puke, I’m a lot happier. I go back into the bathroom to see if Jayson is still alive. I knock on the door and ask, “Hey, are you decent in there?”

  He sort of laughs, which I take as a good sign, and asks, “Can you get me some pants to put on?” Since I know Madison is going to be here, I find a pair of boxer briefs and some lightweight sleep pants.

  Taking them back into the bathroom, I say “Here put these on and make sure you don’t go commando because Madison is coming over.”

  Finally, I hear the doorbell ring and say, “I’ll be back.” Racing down the stairs, I pull open the door to see Maddie standing there.

  I step back and she walks in while saying, “Ok, here I am…what’s the big favor you need?”

  I grab her hand and begin pulling her up the stairs. “It’s right up here, come on.” I pull her past my room into Jayson’s room and when we open the door,

  I hear her say, “Oh my God! What is that smell? Is he still alive?”

  Knowing I’m probably about to get my ass kicked, I quickly say what I need. “Yeah, he’s in the bathroom cleaning up. He spilled JD all over the place and puked on the bed. I can’t clean it up; I need you to do it. Here’s the bedding, I’ll be downstairs.”

  With her hands on her hips, she fumes, “Are you kidding me, I missed a pedicure for this! I thought he was having some sort of psychiatric meltdown or something. So, I’m here because you’re pansy assed and can’t deal with a little puke? Whatever, I’m leaving!”

  Knowing my bank account is about to take a hit, I say, “If you do it, I’ll buy you any purse or shoes you want!”

  Taking the new bedding from me, she says, “No, you will buy me any purse and shoes that I want and pay for a mani/pedi. And, since you lied to me, you can help.” With that, she prisses over to the bed and I follow behind her like she’s the Pied Piper and I’m one of the rats. I’m not even in a “relationship” with her and already I’m so fucked.

  We get the disgusting sheets and comforter off and start putting the new ones on when the door opens. Jase is standing there with just his sleep pants on and Madison is eyeing him like he’s a slab of meat.

  Getting supremely annoyed, I say in rude tone. “Hey! His eyes are up there, not on his chest.”

  Then I turn to Jayson and say, “Put some clothes on, man!” For the first time since Chloe pulled her shit, I get a real laugh out of him.

  “Wow, Jayson! Now I see what Chl…I mean what the girls mean when they talk about you!” Madison looks embarrassed and Jayson says, “It’s ok, Madison, you can say her name. I’m not going to go postal or anything.”

  Madison asks softly, “Have you heard from her?” He looks away and I want to shake Chloe all over again.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Madison

  “While you boys finish getting everything cleaned up, I’ll go down and make something to eat. Jayson, we need to get some food into you to help absorb the bottle you inhaled.”

  He blushes, and it’s so freaking cute. I have to say these Reece boys have got some good genetics going on. Thank goodness there are two of them or Chloe and I might have had the bitch fight of the century! Wait, where did that thought come from? Connor isn’t mine and I don’t want him to be. Liar. With all my crazy thoughts I didn’t even hear what Jayson was saying.

  “What? What did you say” I ask?<
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  He sort of smiles and says, “I didn’t inhale as much as you think; most of it spilled on the bed”

  “Well, that’s good to know. What would you like for breakfast? I’m thinking something sort of bland for you. How about some toast and oatmeal,” I ask in a chipper voice.

  He wrinkles up his nose like a little boy and I have an idea of just what Mrs. Reece went through when these two were growing up. Laughing, I tell him, “That look won’t work on me!” It might if Connor was throwing it at me, but lord knows, I’m not telling him or he will do it constantly.

  I give him a quick hug and say, “I will meet y’all downstairs.”

  After leaving Jayson’s room and heading down the hall, I feel two arms go around me. I immediately relax back into them. I can’t help it. I turn in Connor’s arms and we stand there for a moment hugging.

  “Thank you” he says in a voice I’ve never heard him use. “Thank you for coming over here; I didn’t know what to do.”

  I’m not used to this Connor; usually he’s always teasing, never serious, but he is a vulnerable man right now. I know, I know this is my chance with him. I can laugh and make a joke or I can show him a little bit of what I feel for him. I’m scared to take the chance, but after seeing what Jayson and Chloe are going through, I decide I’m not dragging my feet anymore.

  I squeeze him around the waist and say, “I’m always happy to help you whenever you need it.”

  I feel him freeze because I know he isn’t expecting my response. Before I can change my mind, I lean up and lightly press my lips to his and we stand there for what seems like an eternity.

  As I’m starting to let go and back up, Jayson brushes past us and I hear him grumbling under his breath, “Friends, my ass…I knew it!”

  But he sounds happy so I smile and tell Connor, “You better get a move on it, sunshine, before it’s too late.”

  I meant the food would be gone by the time he got down there, but I can see in his eyes he’s taking it under a whole other meaning. I wink at him and move towards the stairs; and when I look back at him, I see he’s coming towards me…in more ways than one.