Harold Pinter Plays 3

by Harold Pinter

  MAX. What are you doing in there?

  SAM. Washing up.

  MAX. What else?

  SAM. Getting rid of your leavings.

  MAX. Putting them in the bin, eh?

  SAM. Right in.

  MAX. What point you trying to prove?

  SAM. No point.

  MAX. Oh yes, you are. You resent making my breakfast, that’s what it is, isn’t it? That’s why you bang round the kitchen like that, scraping the frying-pan, scraping all the leavings into the bin, scraping all the plates, scraping all the tea out of the teapot … that’s why you do that, every single stinking morning. I know. Listen, Sam. I want to say something to you. From my heart.

  He moves closer.

  I want you to get rid of these feelings of resentment you’ve got towards me. I wish I could understand them. Honestly, have I ever given you cause? Never. When Dad died he said to me, Max, look after your brothers. That’s exactly what he said to me.

  SAM. How could he say that when he was dead?

  MAX. What?

  SAM. How could he speak if he was dead?

  Pause.

  MAX. Before he died, Sam. Just before. They were his last words. His last sacred words, Sammy. You think I’m joking? You think when my father spoke – on his deathbed – I wouldn’t obey his words to the last letter? You hear that, Joey? He’ll stop at nothing. He’s even prepared to spit on the memory of our Dad. What kind of a son were you, you wet wick? You spent half your time doing crossword puzzles! We took you into the butcher’s shop, you couldn’t even sweep the dust off the floor. We took MacGregor into the shop, he could run the place by the end of a week. Well, I’ll tell you one thing. I respected my father not only as a man but as a number one butcher! And to prove it I followed him into the shop. I learned to carve a carcass at his knee. I commemorated his name in blood. I gave birth to three grown men! All on my own bat. What have you done?

  Pause.

  What have you done? You tit!

  SAM. Do you want to finish the washing up? Look, here’s the cloth.

  MAX. So try to get rid of these feelings of resentment, Sam.

  After all, we are brothers:

  SAM. Do you want the cloth? Here you are. Take it.

  TEDDY and RUTH come down the stairs. They walk across the hall and stop just inside the room.

  The others turn and look at them. JOEY stands.

  TEDDY and RUTH are wearing dressing-gowns.

  Silence.

  TEDDY smiles.

  TEDDY. Hullo … Dad … We overslept.

  Pause.

  What’s for breakfast?

  Silence.

  TEDDY chuckles.

  Huh. We overslept.

  MAX turns to SAM.

  MAX. Did you know he was here?

  SAM. No.

  MAX turns to JOEY

  MAX. Did you know he was here?

  Pause.

  I asked you if you knew he was here.

  JOEY. No.

  MAX. Then who knew?

  Pause.

  Who knew?

  Pause.

  I didn’t know.

  TEDDY. I was going to come down, Dad, I was going to … be here, when you came down.

  Pause.

  How are you?

  Pause.

  Uh … look, I’d … like you to meet …

  MAX. How long you been in this house?

  TEDDY. All night.

  MAX. All night? I’m a laughing-stock. How did you get in?

  TEDDY. I had my key.

  MAX whistles and laughs.

  MAX. Who’s this?

  TEDDY. I was just going to introduce you.

  MAX. Who asked you to bring tarts in here?

  TEDDY. Tarts?

  MAX. Who asked you to bring dirty tarts into this house?

  TEDDY. Listen, don’t be silly –

  MAX. You been here all night?

  TEDDY. Yes, we arrived from Venice –

  MAX. We’ve had a smelly scrubber in my house all night. We’ve had a stinking pox-ridden slut in my house all night.

  TEDDY. Stop it! What are you talking about?

  MAX. I haven’t seen the bitch for six years, he comes home without a word, he brings a filthy scrubber off the street, he shacks up in my house!

  TEDDY. She’s my wife! We’re married!

  Pause.

  MAX. I’ve never had a whore under this roof before. Ever since your mother died. My word of honour. (To JOEY.) Have you ever had a whore here? Has Lenny ever had a whore here? They come back from America, they bring the slopbucket with them. They bring the bedpan with them. (To TEDDY.) Take that disease away from me. Get her away from me.

  TEDDY. She’s my wife.

  MAX (to JOEY). Chuck them out.

  Pause.

  A Doctor of Philosophy, Sam, you want to meet a Doctor of Philosophy? (To JOEY.) I said chuck them out.

  Pause.

  What’s the matter? You deaf?

  JOEY. You’re an old man. (To TEDDY.) He’s an old man.

  LENNY walks into the room, in a dressing-gown.

  He stops.

  They all look round.

  MAX turns back, hits JOEY in the stomach with all his might.

  JOEY contorts, staggers across the stage. MAX, with the exertion of the blow, begins to collapse. His knees buckle.

  He clutches his stick.

  SAM moves forward to help him.

  MAX hits him across the head with his stick, SAM sits, head in hands.

  JOEY, hands pressed to his stomach, sinks down at the feet of RUTH

  She looks down at him.

  LENNY and TEDDY are still.

  JOEY slowly stands. He is close to RUTH. He turns from

  RUTH, looks round at MAX.

  SAM clutches his head.

  MAX breathes heavily, very slowly gets to his feet.

  JOEY moves to him.

  They look at each other.

  Silence.

  MAX moves past JOEY, walks towards RUTH. He gestures with his stick.

  MAX. Miss.

  RUTH walks towards him.

  RUTH. Yes?

  He looks at her.

  MAX. You a mother?

  RUTH. Yes.

  MAX. How many you got?

  RUTH. Three.

  He turns to TEDDY.

  MAX. All yours, Ted?

  Pause.

  Teddy, why don’t we have a nice cuddle and kiss, eh? Like the old days? What about a nice cuddle and kiss, eh?

  TEDDY. Come on, then.

  Pause.

  MAX. You want to kiss your old father? Want a cuddle with your old father?

  TEDDY. Come on, then.

  TEDDY moves a step towards him.

  Come on.

  Pause.

  MAX. You still love your old Dad, eh?

  They face each other.

  TEDDY. Come on, Dad. I’m ready for the cuddle.

  MAX begins to chuckle, gurgling.

  He turns to the family and addresses them.

  MAX. He still loves his father!

  Curtain

  Act two

  Afternoon.

  MAX, TEDDY, LENNY and SAM are about the stage, lighting cigars.

  JOEY comes in from U.L. with a coffee tray, followed by RUTH. He puts the tray down. RUTH hands coffee to all the men. She sits with her cup. MAX smiles at her.

  RUTH. That was a very good lunch.

  MAX. I’m glad you liked it. (To the others.) Did you hear that? (To RUTH.) Well, I put my heart and soul into it, I can tell you. (He sips.) And this is a lovely cup of coffee.

  RUTH. I’m glad.

  Pause.

  MAX. I’ve got the feeling you’re a first-rate cook.

  RUTH. I’m not bad.

  MAX. No, I’ve got the feeling you’re a number one cook. Am I right, Teddy?

  TEDDY. Yes, she’s a very good cook.

  Pause.

  MAX. Well, it’s a long time since the whole family was together,
eh? If only your mother was alive. Eh, what do you say, Sam? What would Jessie say if she was alive? Sitting here with her three sons. Three fine grown-up lads. And a lovely daughter-in-law. The only shame is her grandchildren aren’t here. She’d have petted them and cooed over them, wouldn’t she, Sam? She’d have fussed over them and played with them, told them stories, tickled them – I tell you she’d have been hysterical. (To RUTH.) Mind you, she taught those boys everything they know. She taught them all the morality they know. I’m telling you. Every single bit of the moral code they live by – was taught to them by their mother. And she had a heart to go with it. What a heart. Eh, Sam? Listen, what’s the use of beating round the bush? That woman was the backbone to this family. I mean, I was busy working twenty-four hours a day in the shop, I was going all over the country to find meat, I was making my way in the world, but I left a woman at home with a will of iron, a heart of gold and a mind. Right, Sam?

  Pause.

  What a mind.

  Pause.

  Mind you, I was a generous man to her. I never left her short of a few bob. I remember one year I entered into negotiations with a top-class group of butchers with continental connections. I was going into association with them. I remember the night I came home, I kept quiet. First of all I gave Lenny a bath, then Teddy a bath, then Joey a bath. What fun we used to have in the bath, eh, boys? Then I came downstairs and I made Jessie put her feet up on a pouffe – what happened to that pouffe, I haven’t seen it for years – she put her feet up on the pouffe and I said to her, Jessie, I think our ship is going to come home, I’m going to treat you to a couple of items, I’m going to buy you a dress in pale corded blue silk, heavily encrusted in pearls, and for casual wear, a pair of pantaloons in lilac flowered taffeta. Then I gave her a drop of cherry brandy. I remember the boys came down, in their pyjamas, all their hair shining, their faces pink, it was before they started shaving, and they knelt down at our feet, Jessie’s and mine. I tell you, it was like Christmas.

  Pause.

  RUTH. What happened to the group of butchers?

  MAX. The group? They turned out to be a bunch of criminals like everyone else.

  Pause.

  This is a lousy cigar.

  He stubs it out.

  He turns to SAM.

  What time you going to work?

  SAM. Soon.

  MAX. You’ve got a job on this afternoon, haven’t you?

  SAM. Yes, I know.

  MAX. What do you mean, you know? You’ll be late. You’ll lose your job. What are you trying to do, humiliate me?

  SAM. Don’t worry about me.

  MAX. It makes the bile come up in my mouth. The bile – you understand? (To RUTH.) I worked as a butcher all my life, using the chopper and the slab, the slab, you know what I mean, the chopper and the slab! To keep my family in luxury. Two families! My mother was bedridden, my brothers were all invalids. I had to earn the money for the leading psychiatrists. I had to read books! I had to study the disease, so that I could cope with an emergency at every stage. A crippled family, three bastard sons, a slutbitch of a wife – don’t talk to me about the pain of childbirth – I suffered the pain, I’ve still got the pangs – when I give a little cough my back collapses – and here I’ve got a lazy idle bugger of a brother won’t even get to work on time. The best chauffeur in the world. All his life he’s sat in the front seat giving lovely hand signals. You call that work? This man doesn’t know his gearbox from his arse!

  SAM. You go and ask my customers! I’m the only one they ever ask for.

  MAX. What do the other drivers do, sleep all day?

  SAM. I can only drive one car. They can’t all have me at the same time.

  MAX. Anyone could have you at the same time. You’d bend over for half a dollar on Blackfriars Bridge.

  SAM. Me!

  MAX. For two bob and a toffee apple.

  SAM. He’s insulting me. He’s insulting his brother. I’m driving a man to Hampton Court at four forty-five.

  MAX. Do you want to know who could drive? MacGregor! MacGregor was a driver.

  SAM. Don’t you believe it.

  MAX points his stick at SAM.

  MAX. He didn’t even fight in the war. This man didn’t even fight in the bloody war!

  SAM. I did!

  MAX. Who did you kill?

  Silence

  SAM gets up, goes to RUTH, shakes her hand and goes out of the front door.

  MAX turns to TEDDY.

  Well, how you been keeping, son?

  TEDDY. I’ve been keeping very well, Dad.

  MAX. It’s nice to have you with us, son.

  TEDDY. It’s nice to be back, Dad.

  Pause.

  MAX. You should have told me you were married, Teddy. I’d have sent you a present. Where was the wedding, in America?

  TEDDY. No, Here. The day before we left.

  MAX. Did you have a big function?

  TEDDY. No, there was no one there.

  MAX. You’re mad. I’d have given you a white wedding. We’d have had the cream of the cream here. I’d have been only too glad to bear the expense, my word of honour.

  Pause.

  TEDDY. You were busy at the time. I didn’t want to bother you.

  MAX. But you’re my own flesh and blood. You’re my first born. I’d have dropped everything. Sam would have driven you to the reception in the Snipe, Lenny would have been your best man, and then we’d have all seen you off on the boat. I mean, you don’t think I disapprove of marriage, do you? Don’t be daft. (To RUTH.) I’ve been begging my two youngsters for years to find a nice feminine girl with proper credentials – it makes life worth living. (To TEDDY.) Anyway, what’s the difference, you did it, you made a wonderful choice, you’ve got a wonderful family, a marvellous career … so why don’t we let bygones by bygones?

  Pause.

  You know what I’m saying? I want you both to know that you have my blessing.

  TEDDY. Thank you.

  MAX. Don’t mention it. How many other houses in the district have got a Doctor of Philosophy sitting down drinking a cup of coffee?

  Pause.

  RUTH. I’m sure Teddy’s very happy … to know that you’re pleased with me.

  Pause.

  I think he wondered whether you would be pleased with me.

  MAX. But you’re a charming woman.

  Pause.

  RUTH. I was …

  MAX. What?

  Pause.

  What she say?

  They all look at her.

  RUTH. I was … different … when I met Teddy … first.

  TEDDY. No you weren’t. You were the same.

  RUTH. I wasn’t.

  MAX. Who cares? Listen, live in the present, what are you worrying about? I mean, don’t forget the earth’s about five thousand million years old, at least. Who can afford to live in the past?

  Pause.

  TEDDY. She’s a great help to me over there. She’s a wonderful wife and mother. She’s a very popular woman. She’s got lots of friends. It’s a great life, at the University … you know … it’s a very good life. We’ve got a lovely house … we’ve got all … we’ve got everything we want. It’s a very stimulating environment.

  Pause.

  My department … is highly successful.

  Pause.

  We’ve got three boys, you know.

  MAX. All boys? Isn’t that funny, eh? You’ve got three, I’ve got three. You’ve got three nephews, Joey. Joey! You’re an uncle, do you hear? You could teach them how to box.

  Pause.

  JOEY (to RUTH). I’m a boxer. In the evenings, after work. I’m in demolition in the daytime.

  RUTH. Oh?

  JOEY. Yes. I hope to be full time, when I get more bouts.

  MAX (to LENNY). He speaks so easily to his sister-in-law, do you notice? That’s because she’s an intelligent and sympathetic woman.

  He leans to her.

  Eh, tell me, do you think the children are miss
ing their mother?

  She looks at him.

  TEDDY. Of course they are. They love her. We’ll be seeing them soon.

  Pause.

  LENNY (to TEDDY). Your cigar’s gone out.

  TEDDY. Oh, yes.

  LENNY. Want a light?

  TEDDY. No. No.

  Pause.

  So has yours.

  LENNY. Oh, yes.

  Pause.

  Eh, Teddy, you haven’t told us much about your Doctorship of Philosophy. What do you teach?

  TEDDY. Philosophy.

  LENNY. Well, I want to ask you something. Do you detect a certain logical incoherence in the central affirmations of Christian theism?

  TEDDY. That question doesn’t fall within my province.

  LENNY. Well, look at it this way … you don’t mind my asking you some questions, do you?

  TEDDY. If they’re within my province.

  LENNY. Well, look at it this way. How can the unknown merit reverence? In other words, how can you revere that of which you’re ignorant? At the same time, it would be ridiculous to propose that what we know merits reverence. What we know merits any one of a number of things, but it stands to reason reverence isn’t one of them. In other words, apart from the known and the unknown, what else is there?

  Pause.

  TEDDY. I’m afraid I’m the wrong person to ask.

  LENNY. But you’re a philosopher. Come on, be frank. What do you make of all this business of being and not-being?

  TEDDY. What do you make of it?

  LENNY. Well, for instance, take a table. Philosophically speaking. What is it?

  TEDDY. A table.

  LENNY. Ah. You mean it’s nothing else but a table. Well, some people would envy your certainty, wouldn’t they, Joey? For instance, I’ve got a couple of friends of mine, we often sit round the Ritz Bar having a few liqueurs, and they’re always saying things like that, you know, things like: Take a table, take it. All right, I say, take it, take a table, but once you’ve taken it, what you going to do with it? Once you’ve got hold of it, where you going to take it?

  MAX. You’d probably sell it.

  LENNY. You wouldn’t get much for it.

  JOEY. Chop it up for firewood.

  LENNY looks at him and laughs.

  RUTH. Don’t be too sure though. You’ve forgotten something. Look at me. I … move my leg. That’s all it is. But I wear … underwear … which moves with me … it … captures your attention. Perhaps you misinterpret. The action is simple. It’s a leg … moving. My lips move. Why don’t you restrict … your observations to that? Perhaps the fact that they move is more significant … than the words which come through them. You must bear that … possibility … in mind.