She nods. “Okay.”
She slips out the door, making her way over to the main house.
I probably just all kinds of fucked that up.
Ryder knocks on the door as he comes in. “Man, you fucked this place up. Let me help you clean it up.”
“No! Just go, I can handle it.”
“Man, I’m just trying to help.”
“I didn’t need help tearing the shit up, I don’t need help cleaning it up.”
“Hey, are you still talking to that counselor guy?”
“What the fuck about ‘I don’t need your help’ didn’t you understand, Ryder? I can handle this.”
“Look man, I’m just trying to say I care. Pull your head out of your ass.”
“Fuck you, Ryder. You don’t get it and I hope to God you never have to.” I say as I shove him out my door and slam it shut.
“FUCK!”
Chapter 16
I toss and turn in the bed at Scarlet’s.
After a night of meth heads and gunshot wounds, I thought I’d be able to relax when I got home. All I could think about was snuggling in Judd’s sheets, smelling him as I went to sleep.
I came home to find his apartment door standing wide open and everything trashed, and it scared me. Then when I couldn’t find him, I started calling his name. I ran out in the yard and over to the main house. I saw Ryder in the kitchen and ran in panting. I didn’t realize I was crying until he grabbed me.
“Annabelle. What’s wrong?”
I shake. “I can’t find him. His apartment is busted up and he’s gone.”
Ryder took off out the back door and I went to clean up his apartment.
Then he was so off and short when he came back.
I was worried his dreams weren’t under control. God, I hope he didn’t drink all of that whiskey that was busted on the floor.
I wonder what set him off and I hope he’s still seeing his counselor.
Can I bring that up to him? Will it hurt him, insult him?
Finally, all of my thoughts wear me down and I feel my eyes getting too heavy to hold open.
~*~*~
I wake up seeing it’s three in the afternoon. I get dressed in some lounge clothes and make my way over to Judd’s apartment.
I knock on the door and he doesn’t answer. I walk over to the barn and find Ryder.
“Hey, Ryder.”
“Hey, Annabelle. He went to town for a little bit.”
I kick a little dirt on the ground. “Was he okay?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know. A little embarrassed, I think, more than anything. He didn’t want you to know that happened. The fact that you’re the one who found the apartment that way upset him.”
“Do you think that he’ll ever be able to get through this? Ever be able to get a decent night’s sleep?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t know. He doesn’t talk about much. He doesn’t want to talk about what the counselor says.”
“What can I do? I feel so helpless.”
He sits down on a bucket. “I know. I do, too. You know, Judd has always been there for me.”
“I know, he always tried to keep you from getting locked up.” I laugh.
He shakes his head. “I’m going to tell you something I haven’t ever really talked about.”
I nod. “Okay.”
“You and I grew up together in school, but Judd was my best friend. He’s a couple of years older than me, but he’s been my best friend since diapers. Not many people I went to school with knew about my life. I didn’t trust many people.” He looks away and then back to me. “When my mom passed away, I quit talking. Judd spoke for me. A little while later, my dad started dating a woman. I wanted my dad to be happy because he’d been so sad. She had a thing for young boys like me. Judd kept wondering what was wrong with me. Finally, I broke down and told him. I really didn’t understand what was going on, but I knew it was wrong. Once I talked to Judd, he told Nelson. My point is, Judd and I have trusted each other our entire lives. I know the helpless feelings, though, because I feel like I’m letting him down. He’s never failed me, but I feel like I’m failing him.”
I wipe a tear from my face. “I’m sorry. I know this is rough for everyone. How much do his parents know?”
“He doesn’t want them to know. I think his dad suspects but they won’t talk about it. My biggest concern is the pills he takes to sleep mixed with the alcohol.”
“Does Nana know?”
He shakes his head. “Not from me. I’m sure she does, though. Nana knows everything.”
I laugh. “Okay, well I need to go over and work with her for a while. Let him know I’m okay and I want to see him.”
He nods. “Okay.”
I take one of the Rangers over to Nana’s. As I pull up, she’s sitting on her porch smoking.
“Nana, those things are gonna kill ya.”
“Yeah. These, moonshine, wild sex and any food I eat. I figure I might as well go out with a bang.”
I shake my head. “Nana, you have such a way of putting things.”
“So what’s wrong with you? You look like someone just kicked your puppy.”
I sit down and shake my head. “Nothing, just tired form work.”
“Child, don’t lie to me. I don’t tolerate lyin’, I’ll take you over my knee.”
“When Mr. Abbott came home from war, did he have some hard times?”
She rocks back and forth a little faster. “Yes, sweetie. They all do.”
“Can I help him?” I ask as my voice quivers.
She shakes her head. “Every man is different. They are still fighting a battle in their head. Sometimes it’s guilt, sometimes it’s fear. They have so much more information on it now than they did back with my Grayton. Just be there for him, that’s the biggest thing you can do for him. Let him talk when he wants to talk and don’t push him when he doesn’t want to.”
I nod. “I’m trying.”
She pats my hand. “I know, baby. I know. It’s not going to be easy. I’m guessing he hasn’t talked about any of this with his momma and daddy?”
I shake my head. “No, ma’am, I think just me and Ryder.”
She shakes her head. “Of course Ryder knows. Those two have a bond like brothers. It’s the reason I knew they’d need each other when Nelson retired and Greer moved.”
I nod. “I think you’re right. I just hope I’m enough for him. I think I’m falling in love with him.”
She shakes her head. “Baby, you think, therefore you are. Trust me, you’re enough or I wouldn’t have you here.” She stands up to go inside. “Come on. I’ll fix us some sweet tea and we’ll get to work.”
I nod. “Okay and Nana, Thanks.”
“No problem, baby. In any matter, he’s in love with you, too, he just hasn’t realized it yet with all that other mess clouding his brain.”
That stuns me a little as I make my way to Nana’s computer and sit down.
He loves me. Wow. I love him. Wow.
Shit, this is hard.
Chapter 17
Sitting in my counselor, Luca’s office isn’t the way I wanted to spend the morning.
“So, what brings you in today, Judd?”
“I had another nightmare. I thought I was over this. I had a good dream about my friends the other night after the fireworks. I figured I’d have a bad night because I had some reactions to the fireworks, but I didn’t.”
Luca sits forward a little bit. “Judd, you are never going to be ‘over this’ as you say, but you can learn to deal with it. So, tell me about the last nightmare.”
“I remember bits and pieces, but that’s not what concerns me as much as what happened.”
“Okay, start at the beginning of what you remember and walk back if you have to.”
I tell him about this morning’s events and what I remember about the dream.
He nods. “So, it was about Kabul this time?”
I nod. “Yeah. I should’ve noti
ced that kid sooner. I let Walton down, I let those people in that market down. I do know when I woke up I could still smell it. It made me sick.”
“Now, you’ve mentioned Ryder and Annabelle quite a bit in the last few sessions. I know you and Ryder go back to childhood. What is Annabelle to you?”
I look up from the floor I was staring at. “Everything. I think.”
“Judd, our time is almost up, but I want to bring up a couple of things. Please, once again I’m going to ask that you don’t drink and take your meds. If you want to have a couple of drinks early in the evening, fine. Just not at night with the meds. You could have put yourself in a coma or choked on your own vomit. If Annabelle really means this much to you then you need to get yourself figured out. Quit shouldering so much blame on yourself. There were things that you had no control over. Also, have you thought about getting a pet?”
“Luca, I live on a farm. We have a ton of animals.”
“No, a pet, like a dog or a cat.”
I shake my head. “No, I really haven’t.”
“They have done a lot of research with dogs especially and PTSD. They can be supportive and comforting. Soldiers find it nice that they don’t feel like they have to talk to them, but yet they can.”
I stand up. “I’ll think about it.” I sigh. “Like a puppy or something?”
He shrugs. “Actually, some have said they like the idea of a puppy, where some like to adopt older dogs. Everyone is different.”
I nod. “Okay. I will think about it, I promise.”
“And Judd, don’t be scared to make her your everything, but try to get yourself squared away a little first.”
I nod. “Yes, sir.”
“Look, you are going to have unprovoked dreams, it’ll happen. It’s how you deal with them that matters.”
I shake his hand and schedule my next appointment.
On the way home, I see the sign out for animal adoptions today. Thinking about what Luca said, I pull into the shelter.
Walking in the doors, I hear dogs barking and growling. A young guy walks out. “Hey, what can I help you with?”
“Well, I’m just looking around. I think I might want to adopt a dog.”
He nods and takes me down the aisle telling me about the dogs. He stops and turns around. “How long have you been home?” I nod. He looks prior service to me and we always seem to recognize each other.
“Well, back in the states almost six months, back home not very long. I was at one of the VA hospitals for a little while.”
He nods. “I think I know what you’re looking for, let me introduce you to Beau.” I follow him and stop in front of a kennel with an older hound. He opens the gate so I can pet him. “Beau’s owner had to move into a retirement facility. His kids felt it was unfair for them to take the dog into the city. A dog like him needs room to run or just be lazy in the sunshine. Beau is three years old. He’s a full blooded blood hound. He’s house broken and very gentle.”
I smile and nod. “I think he’ll do great. I live on a huge farm and even though I’d like for him to be inside with me some, I want him to like the outside.”
He smiles and nods. We walk back to the office and I fill out the paperwork.
Beau wags his tail when we open back up the kennel for me to take him. As soon as we get in the truck, he flops his big head on the console for me to rub it.
“Beau, I hope you like your new home. I know you need a new friend and I could use one, too.”
When I pull up to the farm, Ryder is walking out of the barn. He meets me when I park my truck. “Hey, how was your appointment?”
I shrug. “Fine. He suggested I get a pet. I told him we had a farm full of animals, but he suggested a dog. He said they’ve done a lot of research with dogs and people with PTSD.” I open the passenger door. “So this is Beau. His owner had to be put in a retirement facility and he needs a new home.” It hits me that I never talked to Ryder about bringing an animal here. “I hope it’s okay. I should’ve asked you, but when I saw his face, I just knew.”
Ryder shakes his head and smiles. He pulls me in and hugs me, slapping my back. “Man, it’s fine. Whatever you need so that I don’t find you like I did this morning is okay. This will always be your home, too.”
“Thanks, man. I’m sorry for being such an asshole.”
“Hey, you are dealing with shit none of us understand. Don’t put yourself down. Annabelle understands, too.”
“I’m scared I’m going to hurt her. She’s been through enough hurt in her life, she doesn’t need my shit, too.”
“Hey, you let her decide that. Annabelle is a big girl.”
“Luca told me I should probably work on myself for a little while.”
He nods. “She’ll understand. I promise.”
I slap his shoulder. “Thanks, man.” I tug Beau’s leash to follow me to my apartment.
Chapter 18
I’ve been at Nana’s for the past four hours working. Her stories crack me up. I’m typing as she’s telling and I have to get her stop every now and then when I’m laughing.
She starts up again. “Let’s see, it was a couple of years ago. It was May of 2011. Yes, 2011. Anyhow, Merle Parker, Glenda Jones, Phanie Syfrett and myself went to Biloxi gambling for the weekend. We were gonna ride those little scooters from casino to casino. Now, Merle doesn’t get out much. We decided to go through one of those drive-thru eatin’ places on the way there. So we are sitting at the window waitin’ for our food when I hear Merle catch her breath. She says ‘Well I never, they should be ashamed of themselves! Drive on, Pearl, we’ll eat somewhere else, not where they hand them things out at the window. That’s disgusting.’ So, of course, we’re trying to figure out what she’s talking about. I ask her. ‘Merle, what in the land of Dixie are you babbling about, you old bat?’ She scoffs. ‘I’m not a crazy bat, I don’t want to eat at a place that has a sign in the window that says ‘Condiments upon request.’ What kinda joint is this?’ I can’t control my laughter. I look at her and say, ‘Merle, they are saying if you want ketchup, let them know. Not damn rubbers, you old bat.’” Nana sits back in her chair laughing.
At this point, I’m laughing so hard I can barely type. “That’s hysterical that she thought they were talking about condoms.”
Nana shakes her head. “No, what’s hysterical is she acts like them things are so nasty. Lord only knows how many times she’d have been knocked up in high school if it wasn’t for them.”
I put my hand over my mouth. “Nana Pearl.”
“What, honey? We had sex before marriage back in the day and we even had condoms. We were just way more secretive about it. It wasn’t as accepted.” She throws her hands up. “Shoot, once me and Grayton were parking-.”
I stop her right there. “Whoa! Nana, what did I tell you about those parts? Write them down and I’ll type them, but please don’t tell me.”
She laughs. “Hey, I read them Grey books with my quilting girls. We’re waiting for the movie. We’re gonna go watch it.”
I laugh hysterically. “Oh. My. God. Nana, I’m so going with y’all.”
She laughs. “Shoot, we’ll load up Scarlet, too. Heck, if Ivie’s in town, we’ll grab her. We’ll make it a girl’s night on the town. Maybe go to a strip club or a drag show afterwards.”
I laugh. “Nana, you guys might be a little too hard core for us.”
She pats my leg. “You’ll learn, don’t worry.”
I sit back and laugh. “Thanks, Nana, you definitely took a lot off my mind today.”
She shakes her head. “Hey, baby, I know it’s hard. He may need some time. He’s gonna be more upset that you saw how out of control he could get than anything else. I know you wanna be there for him but don’t worry, Ryder will keep an eye out.”
“I know, it’s just I don’t want him to think I’ve given up.”
She looks at me hard. “He’ll know you haven’t.”
I smile and stand. “Thanks, Nana. I better go
get ready for my shift.”
She stands up. “Alright. You make sure you eat good before you go in tonight. We don’t need you gettin’ sick.”
I nod. “Yes, ma’am.”
I make my way out to the Ranger and drive back up to the main house. When I pull under the shelter, a big blood hound runs up and jumps on me.
I laugh. “Well, hey there. Who are you?”
Judd steps into the light. “His name is Beau. He must like you.”
I rub Beau’s head. “Well the feeling is mutual, Beau.”
Judd smiles. “Beau, come here.” Beau makes his way over to Judd and rubs his head on Judd’s leg.
Judd looks at me. “He’s part of my new therapy.”
I nod and smile. “I’ve read about that.”
He nods. “Listen, Princess. I’m really sorry about what you found this morning. I’m sorry I didn’t come up to the house like I said I would, but I’m having some issues.”
I nod. “It’s okay, I know you probably need some time. We kinda jumped into this.”
He shrugs. “Luca, my therapist, thinks I need to spend some more time on myself before I really get involved with someone else. I mean he didn’t say it was a bad idea, just that I had some work to do on myself first.”
I look at him. “I understand, Judd, and it’s okay. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” I walk over to him and touch his arm. “If Beau can help you, then it’s great. He seems like he’ll be a great friend. I really need to be working on getting loose from my parents completely and focusing on school.”
He kisses my forehead. “Sounds like we both have some things to accomplish.”
I look up at his eyes and smile. “Yes, but when we’re done, let’s go right back where we left off.”
He pulls me to his chest. “Most definitely. I don’t mean we have to avoid each other or anything. Just, I guess no sleep overs or heavy make out sessions for a little while.”
“Yeah, I want you to take care of yourself.”
He kisses the top of my head and speaks into my hair. “You got it.”
I pull back. “I better get inside and get ready for work.”
Secrets in Battle: Secrets of Savannah Series Book 3 Page 7
