by Lauren Wood
Looking around the room, I didn’t see Carl anywhere and I instantly deflated. I wanted to think that he was here with me, but he wasn’t, not at all. He was gone and I was left wondering what this all meant for us. None of the reasons that we couldn’t be together had changed. My brother would kill us both and Carl had a girlfriend, even if she was a little bit on the dingy side. It was who he was with. So now what?
I got up with that question at the forefront of my mind and I didn’t immediately have an answer to give. I didn’t know what was going to happen next and I needed a cup of coffee before I was going to be able to really think about it.
It was when I was drinking the first cup that I saw the note. It was folded in half and had my name scrawled in messy handwriting. I knew that it was from Carl. Who else would have left it there?
I don’t know why, but I drank half of the cup, looking at that piece of paper like it was potentially a bomb. I knew that it wasn’t of course, but there was going to be something just as devastating inside of it. The fact that he was gone and the note was left there, I knew I wasn’t going to like what it said. I didn’t even have to look at it to know that.
When I got up the nerve to see what it said, I walked slow towards it and took a deep breath. My hand shook slightly as I moved to pick it up. Why was I so damn scared of what it said? It was like I was afraid to even touch it because then whatever it said would have to be real and I didn’t want it to be. I wanted to hold onto the moment just a little bit longer.
I tortured myself with the idea of it all and it was only when I’d driven myself mad about it that I finally grabbed it up to see what it was that he was saying. My heart sank as my eyes scanned the page. I really wished that I hadn’t been right about it.
“Melanie,
I had a good time with you last night. You’re everything that a man could want and more. But it can’t be me. You are perfect in every way and I know that you’re going to find someone to make you happy, someone your own age. We will always have tonight.
Carl”
It was a letter that I’d seen coming and even though I’d known something like that was going to be held inside of it, I wanted to believe that I was wrong and that instead it was actually just my imagination going awry. It wasn’t real. That’s what I wanted to tell myself, but it was. I read it a couple more times and then I pushed it back onto the counter where I had found it. I wish I hadn’t, but at least the pressing matter of what I was going to do was resolved. The decision was already made for me. I was to do nothing because he was basically telling me that it was over before it started.
Taking a shower, I replayed the note in my head and tried not to let it bother me. It did of course, badly, but it wasn’t something that I was going to be able to change. At least we had last night.
***
“Haven’t seen you around that much Melanie. What have you been up to?”
“Not much. Tending to Lily’s garden takes more time than I would have thought.”
She gave me a dubious look and shook her head. “You never were a good liar. You know that right?”
“Yeah I know. That’s why I’m so quiet.”
She laughed at my admission and told me that she knew. Mom always seemed to know the truth, so there was a good possibility that she was just waiting for me to spill the beans. I usually did with her. We’d always had that sort of relationship, but Carl was something that I couldn’t really talk to her about it. She wouldn’t understand and I didn’t want things to get weird. Carl was over here a lot and I didn’t want that to change.
“Man trouble I guess.”
“I thought you’d stopped seeing the professor? You’re not taking up with him again are you? You know that if a man is going to cheat once, he will do it again. You have to stand up for yourself and not take that crap.”
I was agreeing with her and I let her go off for a while. My mother had strong opinions and liked to get them out when she could. I finally said something when she was dying down.
“It’s not that at all. Someone that I used to like here before I left, came back into my life recently and I thought there was going to be something there. I really like him, but he has decided that nothing is going to happen. He made it pretty clear and I don’t know what to do. I think about him a lot and it just drives me crazy. Why can’t I have the one I want?”
I was speaking in rhymes because I couldn’t give names or say anything that would lead her to know who it was that I was talking about. That’s what I thought anyways. I thought that she wouldn’t know who I was talking about, but her next comment left me with my mouth open a little bit. Apparently every one could see right through me. Even no admission at all somehow left it all open to interpretation.
“You’re talking about Carl, aren’t you? I knew that something was going on when you first got back. I knew that you had a crush on him from before and when I saw the way he was looking at you, I knew that something was going to happen. It’s not the worst thing that could happen. Carl looks rough and I hear he has a reputation, but he’s always been a good kid. You could do worse.”
She didn’t get it and I was shocked that she knew what I was talking about. I didn’t think that anyone knew about my crush, but I was starting to see that everyone did.
“Scott would never let it happen.”
“Yes something did happen or you wouldn’t be so upset.”
She had a point and I was still unsure how far I wanted to go with it. I wasn’t sure if I could tell her everything.
“It can never happen, he made it clear. I think Scott told him I was off limits, so he made a big point of telling me that it’s never going to happen.”
Mom smiled and I didn’t understand why. “Your brother will come around. He won’t like it at first, but you could do so much worse than Carl. He’s a good young man. Me and your father watched him grow up with your brother.”
“Don’t you think he is too old for me? That’s what you said about the professor.”
“Carl is different. I’ve known him since he was a boy and I’ve always liked him. Your professor was taking advantage of you and your naivety. That’s a big different.”
She was so sure of it, but I wasn’t. She made it seem like it was all nothing to worry about. She left me feeling a little lighter and while I felt strange talking about him with her; it was stranger still that I felt so much better about it. I hadn’t been able to really share anything since my best friend was found to be having sex with my boyfriend. It made it hard for me to confide in her and now that I was back home, it was good to have someone to talk to about it, even if it was mom. She had pretty good advice most of the time and this time around, maybe she was right and I needed to worry about it less. She acted like there was a chance for us and I liked to think that way as well.
Maybe it wasn’t all lost and I was still going to get the man of my dreams.
Chapter 16
Carl
Scott was acting strange and it didn’t take long for me to find out why. He was looking at me with anger in his eyes and of course my mind went to what I’d done to his sister a couple of days before. Nothing was said for several days, so I thought I was safe, but I guess I wasn’t.
“Talked to Jake the other day.”
“Oh yea?” That sinking feeling was in my stomach and I tried to swallow it down a couple of times, but it kept getting stuck in my throat.
“Yeah, he had some interesting things to say.”
“I bet.”
“About you.”
“Yea?”
I wasn’t going to cop to anything. I wanted to know what had been said before I figured out how I was going to approach it.
“Yeah he said that you left with my sister from the bar the other night.”
“I did, took her back to Lily’s place because she’d had too much to drink and Jake was trying to get with her. I didn’t think you would want that and I didn’t want her driving the way she was.”
That stopped me in my tracks and I didn’t look over at my friend. That probably signaled my guilt more than anything else did. Fuck, how did he know about that? I’d been so careful to make sure my truck was gone soon after I got there. I hadn’t expected that kiss in the parking lot though. It was the kiss that was seen. Only the kiss I hoped.
I tried to calm myself down because it mattered what I said now. He knew, I knew that and I could have killed Jake, but it was out and there was nothing that I could do about it now. My mind was racing, but no solutions were coming to me. I was still hoping that he only thought it was just a kiss. I was sure that he would have been swinging already if he knew what I had done to his hot little sister.
“She wasn’t that drunk.”
“So you kissed her?”
He was seething and I could see his fists balling up. I pulled over to the side of the road because this conversation needed my full attention and Scott was liable to start something while I was driving. I knew this could happen of course. I knew that I shouldn’t have taken her home, but I couldn’t stand the idea of her with Jake. The thought of his hands on her had been too much for me to deal with. Even if I had to walk away after that one night and I wasn’t going to be able to be with her again.
“It wasn’t like that.”
“What was it like then?”
“It was all innocent. She kissed me a little while we were in the parking lot. You know she had a crush on me and I think the liquor brought it out of her but it was no big deal.”
Scott didn’t know if he believed me or not. I know that he wanted to and he had this hopeful look on his face that was still clouded with suspicions, but he didn’t want to think that I could do that to him. I wish it was true, but Melanie had been too much of a temptation to ignore. I’d tried. I really had but the universe found some perverse pleasure in pushing us back together and messing with my head.
“So you’re trying to tell me that nothing happened?”
Scott was still mad, but there was hope. He wanted to believe that I hadn’t touched his sister and I wish to hell that I would be able to tell him that it was all lies that Jake had said. That he was just trying to start shit between us because I shooed him away from his sister.
We hadn’t done what his mind was thinking about, but what we did do was just as bad. I wasn’t stupid, I knew that much. But at the end of the day, I had to tell him something and I wasn’t going to lie to him.
“I wouldn’t say nothing happened, but not what you are thinking we did.”
“Did you fuck my sister? Just tell me the truth. No bullshit Carl.”
It was crude how it was said and I don’t know why I was suddenly offended by it. We hadn’t fucked. I wanted to, but we hadn’t. When I told him that we hadn’t, he seemed to relax a little bit.
“So what did you do, kiss a little more or something like that?”
“Something like that.”
He gave me a look and my head was turned but I could feel the burn of his look on my face. I wasn’t getting into what we did, but I was going to let him know that it was something. I felt guilt about it at the same time I wanted to do it all over again, more this time.
“Why Melanie?”
I couldn’t tell him that she had begged me for it and teased me for weeks until I finally gave in. I couldn’t tell him that she was too damn hot to ignore. There were many reasons why I found myself drawn to her and one of those came from Scott himself. He made her off limits, which made her that much sweeter. All combined it was far more than I was able to deny myself. I just wanted her too bad. It was just that simple.
“I don’t know Scott. It just happened. It wasn’t planned.” And that was the truth. When I saw her at the airport for the first time, I had no idea that it was going to be like this. I went to the bar with some sort of plan in my mind, I was invited of course, but I couldn’t say for sure that I hadn’t planned it to end somehow like that.
“You know that I don’t want you with my sister.”
“I know. You made yourself quite clear about that.”
“Well I mean it. You’re too much of a player for my sister. I don’t want her getting hurt. You hurt everyone that you date and I don’t want Melanie to be one of them.”
I took offense to what he said because I didn’t think it was true. While it was true that I bounced around a lot, it wasn’t true about the rest of it. I didn’t hurt them all because I didn’t let it get to that level. Once I knew that they felt more than they should, I left the situation behind. It was just that simple.
“You make it sound bad.”
“It is and I don’t think you know it. You are going to crush Bianca. That girl loves you and you’re going around kissing my sister?”
He had a point and I got back on the road. I didn’t think I was going to catch a right while I was driving now at least, but I wasn’t going to take it out of the realm of possibility. Scott was very unpredictable and about the last person I wanted to get into a fight with.
I sighed loudly and told him again that it wasn’t like that. “Besides, Bianca and I are just having fun.”
He shook his head and told me that I should let her know that. I didn’t really think about it much. Bianca was never one to put a lot on me. She didn’t expect much from me at all and that’s what I liked most about her. Could he be right when he said that she loves me? She can’t, right?
Now I was questioning everything and we rode in silence to the lumber store to pick up some drywall that we’d ordered. His dad wanted to remodel the bedroom and while he couldn’t help, he’d drawn up some plans. It was what Scott’s mom always wanted and it was something that he wanted done. That’s what we had been doing for the last couple of months and I knew why, Scott knew why as well but we didn’t talk about it. We were finishing off his honey-do bucket list and we were starting to wind down and we were both waiting for something else to keep us busy like it was going to keep Ted alive a little longer.
When we got there, Scott was almost back to normal and I was thankful that he’d taken what I said and went with it. He most likely didn’t want to believe that I had done him wrong, just the same as I wouldn’t want to believe it about him. I had a couple of sisters that didn’t live around here, but if they did, I don’t know how I would have dealt with Scott getting with one of them. He was a good boyfriend compared to me though. That much I knew for sure and even though he was a better guy to date, that didn’t mean that I wanted him dating one of them. That’s why I was going to make sure that nothing else happened. I had drawn a line and I wasn’t going to cross it, no matter how much I’d thought about it since I’d taken her home that night.
The dry wall was ready for us and we took it back to his parent’s house. I saw the car she’d been driving in the parking lot when we got back and I tried not to make any visible reaction to it. It would be the first time I’d seen her since I'd taken liberties with her and pleasured her. I hadn’t seen her since then and damn she looked good. I couldn’t look long because I was carrying things in and Scott was right behind me. Our eyes met for a moment and I could feel a spark between us. There was always that spark.
Their dad was up and out of bed. He was leaning on everything as he walked, refusing to use the walker because he didn’t want to admit he was that weak, but everyone around him could see it. It looked like he could barely stand up, but no one offered to help him. He was a proud man and I wasn’t going to take that away from him.
He didn’t help with the lifting or carrying, but he was there to supervise and I was thankful that I got to keep my mind busy for a while that wasn’t about Melanie. She came in a couple of times to give us drinks and I made it a point to not look at her. The last time she came in I heard her huff under her breath and I knew that it was bothering her, but after the conversation I’d had with her brother, I figured that it was the best way to go about it. I’d made myself clear. It was a
one-time thing.
“Carl, can you come help me with something in the kitchen real quick?”
I froze and looked up to Scott, offering him up instead, stating that I was to busy. I was prepared to walk away from her, only as long as that meant I didn’t have to be around her to want more. That was the only way that it was going to work.
Chapter 17
Melanie
Scott came and helped me get the flour bag open and dumped into the bucket for mom. Since dad was so into getting everything done, she was in her own stage of purging and cleaning and I was there for the ride. I didn’t have anything better to do because most people I knew where still away at school.
“You need to leave him alone Melanie.”
I didn’t know what my brother was talking about and I asked him because I had no idea that it would be about Jake.
“Jake.”
“What?”
“He came to me the other day and then I heard that you were flirting with him. You know that he is bad news. You don’t need to hook up with some loser here. You’re getting that degree for a reason and you’re going to get out of here and use it.”
He’d never talked to me like that before and I could see now that there was something more to his words. Did he feel trapped here?
“I don’t even like Jake, so you don’t have to worry about it.”
“What about Carl?”
I shrugged and looked away. “He’s nice.”
“Uh huh. You seem to forget that this is a small town and there are eyes and ears everywhere. I know that he took you home the other night and that you kissed him in the parking lot. That’s what Jake was telling me.”
“You shouldn’t believe everything that you hear big brother. I thought you would know that by now living here in Jefferson.”
“I do, but Carl already copped to it, so there really is no point in lying. Mom is right when she says that you’re not very good at it.”
