Ahdan

by Nikki Clarke

  Despite what has happened, there has never been a day when I have not loved Ze’lah, and that love is the love of the leht. It is a love that means I can still put her above myself.

  I take her hand and press a kiss to her clammy fingers. She is dying. I could not feel it before, but I feel it now with every painful beat of my heart.

  “This is not a sacrifice you must make for me. Take the treatment.”

  She frowns, but there is a glimmer of reluctant hope in her gaze. “What about you?”

  I shrug. In this moment, I realize that she has spoken the truth. She has always loved me, enough that she is willing to die so my life is not in vain.

  “You are my lehti,” I say thickly, reciting the truth I cannot escape, “and I will follow your heart where ever it goes.”

  I stand at the door for a moment before leaving Ze’lah to rest. Her deep breaths are heavy in the room. I inhale with her, exhaling forced calm before stepping in the main part of the healing room.

  Niya’s eyes find me the moment I emerge, and I go to her, pushing my mouth into a smile as I get close to her cot. When I pass the place where Amina sits with Kwarq, he looks up in alarm. I may be able to put on a face for my saeh’ti, but I will not be able to hide my scent from my kin. Kwarq looks as if he will rise, and I shake my head. Sol sits nearby, and I push out to him, requesting his assistance.

  Please do not raise alarm. I will speak to you and our family in the morning. I would like to take Niya to our cabin.

  He nods, but his gaze remains worried on me. I reach Niya and hold my hands out to her.

  “If you are ready, I would take you back to our cabin now.”

  She smiles up at me, and I swallow around the emotion clogging my throat. Instead, I focus on taking in the image of her as she is now—beautiful and smiling.

  “I’m ready.”

  I lift her from the cot and hold her close, ignoring the worried looks of those we pass as we make our way across the camp. I do not stop until we get to our cabin.

  The lights rise as I enter. I take Niya straight to the bed and lay her down before pulling off my shirt and shorts. When I am naked, I slide in beside her. She snuggles close, turning into me, and I squeeze her tight, fitting her as close to my body as I can, and soon she settles into a deep sleep. I lay there, staring through the wefts in the cabin's dome up into the twinkling Universe. For hours, I listen to her soft snores and try not to think of the day when I will never hear them again.

  ***

  “Amha, please, you will make yourself ill.”

  I look on as my mother continues to emit the deep, guttural cries. My father stands at her side, holding her up, but his face is also wet.

  Bati and Kwarq are seated beside one another to my left. They stare straight ahead with identical expressions of disbelief. I will miss them.

  “We know the dictates of the leht. We all know,” I say softly.

  My mother sniffles and nods, but before she can compose herself, she bends over and releases another anguished sob. I go to her, pulling her up against me and holding her close. I press my face into her hair, taking in the scent that comforted me for all of my life. I will miss her. She calms but continues to hold me tightly until I ease her away. The blue of her eyes is a pool of sorrow.

  “We still have time, Amha. She must have the procedure soon, but she says we have turns, yet. However, I did not want to wait until the end. I want us to enjoy our time together. I want to enjoy my time with Niya.”

  If anything, my mother looks even more stricken. “Will you tell her? She loves you.”

  “She does,” I agree, “and I her more than she will ever know, but I would not have her hurt because of me. I just want to love her and let her love me. I would not ruin this with something that will be difficult for her to understand.”

  My mother looks as if she would argue, but instead nods and pats my face. “Then we will make our time together beautiful. We will make it a time that you will take with you wherever you go.”

  I release her to my father, who pulls her close before grabbing me to him and kissing the top of my head as he did when I was a youngling.

  “You are my first dahni. Your ahpa will always love you.”

  I hug him back. “And I you.”

  I turn to my brothers. They have not moved from their spots on the settee. I stride past them, stopping when I get to the door. “Come, you two.”

  Their heads angle up at me in unison, and I attempt a reassuring smile as I wave them up.

  “Can we tell Amina and Tee?”

  We are sitting beyond the tree line for privacy. Bati looks at me in a daze. Kwarq is losing the battle to control the sorrow in his expression.

  “You can, but please wait until we are home, and I would be present if that is acceptable. I do not want them to feel sorrow. The leht is not their nature; this will not sit well.”

  “They will want to know. They will want to let you know they love you,” Bati says in a voice distorted from sorrow.

  “I already know this,” I return, “and I am glad to have had the chance to know and love them. The younglings, however,” unexpected emotion closes my throat, and I lower my head, unable to hold at bay the feelings I have been restraining. “Do not let your children forget me.”

  I choke on the first sob, and Kwarq crowds my shoulder, wrapping his arms around me, and, a moment later, Bati moves close to my other side. The sorrow is a thick cloud around us, and I leave myself to it, taking this opportunity to feel the weight of this new reality. After this, I will let it go, but for now, I relinquish myself and find solace in the comfort of my brothers, who are also my best friends, and since the day our parents brought them home from the birthing center, my favorite beings.

  I sniff, shifting and causing them to ease back, but they stay close, sitting so that our legs touch, each with a hand on my shoulder.

  “I will remind my children of you every day, sa’an. Here,” Kwarq lifts his wrist, angling his comm out and away from our faces. We lean in, holding still until the image is captured. Kwarq taps the projection which emerges as a clear rendering of the three of us, red-eyed and somber. “I will show this to my dahni and dahnai and tell them that this was the day when we loved each other the most.”

  “Share that with me,” Bati requests, wiping at his eyes, and Kwarq sends it to his comm. He taps the file and stares at the projection with a small smile. “Every day,” he says in confirmation of Kwarq’s promise.

  I take in a deep breath—a weight has lifted. I close my eyes as I let acceptance settle over me. I have always known I would follow Ze’lah, but like most Lyqa who are leht, I had no way of knowing when.

  “You do not deserve this.” Kwarq spits out suddenly, his voice holding an unexpected edge of bitterness. I turn to him with a scowl.

  “I have had more than any being deserves. I had Ze’lah, for a time, and we loved each other. I have Niya now, and I love her more than I ever imagined. I have had enough, more than enough.”

  I keep this litany in my mind. I do not want to be sad. After a moment of silence, Kwarq sighs.

  “You are right. I am glad you had these things, and I am glad we had you,” he amends before standing and brushing off his pants. He holds his hands out. I take one and Bati takes the other, allowing him to pull us up. We brush our clothes clean, and as we face each other, I try for a comforting smile.

  “Are we composed?”

  They nod together, and I take their arms, gripping each one tight.

  “I am proud to call you my brothers. I am proud to have spent this time with you, to have grown with you and loved you. I already know that these will be the best days of my life, and I am fortunate because they have already been so good.”

  CHAPTER 8

  NIYA

  “Hey.”

  I sit up on the bed, holding the sheet to my chest as Ah’dan comes into the cabin. He doesn't respond, but begins to remove his clothes. I watch as his firm, red muscles a
re exposed, bit by bit, until he’s naked. He comes to the end of the bed and rolls his shoulders. The bright yellow is intent on me, but there’s something wrong. The skin around his eyes is a little puffy, and despite the set expression of his face, he looks odd. If I had to guess, I’d say he looks—scared.

  “Are you okay?”

  “I am perfect now that I am with you. I would have you Niya.” He grips the end of the sheet and pulls it away from my body, leaving me just as naked as he is. As he makes his way up the bed, coming over me, I spread my legs and welcome him. “I love you so very much, my heart.”

  My heart. I love it when he calls me that. He slides his arms beneath me, pulling me up to his body, and shifts his hips, fitting himself against me. I wait for the jarring entry, the searing fullness, but this time, he pushes forward slowly, easing each throbbing inch inside of me with maddening precision. My stomach tenses as I clench around him, trying to pull him deeper. He groans as he finally comes to rest fully inside of me then he stills and lifts his head.

  His eyes are two eclipses, bright but shadowed as he stares at me for what feels like forever.

  “I love you,” he says in a tone that I have never heard. It’s sure and insistent. He isn’t leaving room for doubt.

  “I know. I love you, too.”

  His throat works as he swallows hard, and the yellow gets glassy. “I would have you know that I will always love you. I would have you know this, Niya. Acknowledge this, please.”

  I rub my hands over the smooth muscles of his back and lift my hips to take more of him and bring us even closer.

  “I know,” I reply while injecting as much surety as I can into the response. “You chose me. I know.”

  He nods, lowering his face for a kiss, and starts to thrust.

  ***

  “So, are we just going to pretend like the Legros aren't acting weird?”

  Ah’dan’s mother organized an impromptu picnic. We’re sitting in the grass, watching her flutter around with excitement. It’s weird—Tee’s right.

  Shay sucks her teeth and leans back so the sun can hit her chest. Large, round glasses block her eyes, but I can hear them rolling. “Whatever, I’m just glad you-know-who is gone.”

  Ze’lah left this morning. Ah’dan surprised me by taking me with him to see her off, and she surprised me even more by giving me a hug that felt pretty sincere. As my arms went around her back, she’d felt tiny and much frailer than I anticipated.

  “I am glad that my lehti found you. I did not realize it before, but you are what he deserves. You are each other’s.” She’d looked at him then, and they had both looked so sad that I’d felt bad for them.

  “You will go to your family?” Ah’dan had asked.

  “I will. This is a time to be with those I love. I would have seen you first, however.”

  “And I you,” he’d said tightly then pulled her into a crushing hug. Before letting her go, he'd given her a light kiss. It had been quick and chaste and actually quite sweet. Ze’lah had gone to her hired pod and left, waving from the window as she ascended into the sky.

  “I don't know. I didn't think in the end she was that bad.”

  Shay turns to me, and I know she’s glaring behind her glasses. “You’re too nice. We already know what I would have done.”

  I shrug. “I kind of prefer knowing they’ve resolved whatever there was between them as much as they can. I’m glad she came. I don't think there’s any better reassurance of a guy’s love than him giving up his biological mate for you.”

  Shay looks like she wants to contradict me, but she sighs and sits back. “I guess, you’re right. I mean, my man ditched the chick that was picked for him, and her brother tried to kill me and our kid, so this isn't the worst that could have happened. But they are acting weird,” she adds.

  “See? Look at his mother. She’s falling all over herself right now.”

  As Tee says this, Mahdi literally trips in an effort to adjust one of the blankets on the grass. They wouldn't let us help, so we’re stuck watching.

  “Something is definitely up. Are you pregnant again?” Tee shoots this to Amina, who gasps and makes a face.

  “What? No! Why the fuck every time something happens, I gotta be pregnant?”

  “Why the fuck are you always pregnant?”

  I snort out a laugh, joined by Ebony, when Tee tosses this back, and Shay sits up, waving at us.

  “Hush, hush. Here they come.”

  Our guys walk toward us from across the camp. When they get close, each one breaks off and approaches the one who belongs to him. Ah’dan stops in front of me, blocking out the sun with his broad shoulders, and smiles.

  “You know that we can all hear you, yes?” He reaches for my hands, and when I take them, he lifts me clean up and into the air, catching me by the waist and holding me against him. “There is nothing going on. I merely wished to make our last day here memorable. I enlisted the help of my mother, and she takes these things very seriously, which is why she is falling all over herself.”

  I loop my arms around his neck and give him a kiss. “So, you all are doing all of this for us?”

  He shakes his head. “No, my heart, I am doing all of this for you.”

  “Could my dahni, Ah’dan, and his saeh’ti please join us at the head of the table?”

  My eyes widen as Ah’dan stands and takes my hand, urging me up from my seat. Everyone watches us. Amina, Tee, and Shay grin up at me from across the table. When I look a little unsure, Amina gives me a thumbs up.

  “This will hopefully not be embarrassing.” Ah’dan’s deep voice pulls me from my confusion, and follow him to the front of the table where his father and mother stand. Everyone is dressed up for our final night at the campsite. I’m wearing my one nice dress. It’s canary yellow, and I only just realize, matches Ah’dan’s eyes. The single strap fitted bodice smooths down my body in a narrow skirt that stops just below my knees. I picked my curls out until they were just the right kind of haphazard, and I feel pretty cute. As we turn to face the table, I see E’lii look me over with appreciation.

  “You look every much as beautiful as he is thinking,” Ah’dan murmurs at my ear as he smooths a hand over my hip and pulls me close.

  “This is our last evening together,” his father begins, “and we hope that you will allow us to end this kal sai with a final representation of the many ways the Universe blesses our existence.” His voice gets tight at the end, and he clears his throat and faces me and Ah’dan. “Dahni, before I met your Amha, I did not know love could exist so completely, and until we had you, I did not know it could be felt so deeply. I honor you.” He lifts his glass from the table and raises it prompting the rest of the people gathered to do the same. It’s such a sweet gesture, but it feels oddly final, and Quth looks like he’s going to cry.

  “Niya.” Ah’dan is looking at me. His eyes linger lovingly over my face, and he takes my hands, pulling us to face each other.

  I look out on everyone watching and wonder what’s going on.

  “I spent a considerable time researching human courtship customs, and I believe I have found a practice that suits our circumstances and will not result in you running from me in terror.” His mouth quirks up, and I return a confused smile of my own. “Although, you would never run from me, would you, saeh’ti?”

  “I wouldn’t,” I confirm with a shake of my head. “You’d probably catch me, anyway.”

  “I would,” he chuckles then sobers quickly. “I love you, Niya,” he says simply, and my heart does that little stumble.

  “I love you, too.”

  “I believe there is something called a commitment ceremony in your culture, where two people swear themselves to each other.” He reaches for a small box I didn't notice on the table and opens it. Inside are two rings. They are identical bands of shiny, woven metal, set with what looks like diamonds all the way around. I look up from the beautiful rings to find him watching me. “Are they to your liking?”
>
  “I—they’re beautiful.” I’m too stunned to do more than watch as he removes the smaller of the rings and lifts my left hand.

  “Will you, Niya, commit yourself to me, as I commit myself to you for as long as I live?”

  “Yes,” I can barely say the word. He smiles and slips the ring onto my finger before placing a kiss over it.

  “It is my greatest joy to commit myself to you, as you have committed yourself to me.” He takes the other ring out, but when he goes to put it on his own finger, I stop him and take it.

  “Let me.”

  He watches me intently as I push the band past his knuckle until it reaches the base of his finger. When I’m done, I look up at him and shrug my shoulders.

  “So, what do we do now?”

  His gaze is tender as he looks down at me. “Now, I believe you owe me a kiss.”

  ***

  “This was magical.” I stretch my arms over my head, letting the sheet fall down from my breasts. Ah’dan smiles at me from where he’s gathering our clothes from the floor where we discarded them last night.

  “It was everything I could have hoped for and more,” he agrees as he carefully folds my dress. Before he places it in my bag, he lifts it to his nose and inhales.

  “I will never forget how you smell.”

  It’s an odd thing to say, and it’s one of many odd things he’s said in the past couple of days.

  “You won't have to, babe. I’m not going anywhere.” I lift to my knees and crawl to the end of the bed, grabbing him by the waist of his pants and pulling him forward as I settle on my heels in front of him. His eyes lower as he watches me peel his pants past his hips, and he springs out, heavy and growing harder by the second. I lift the thick muscle and wrap my hand around as much of the shaft as I can. He’s thick and pulsing in my palm. I watch in fascination as the tip gets tight.