Badger the Mystical Mutt and the Flying Fez

by Lyn McNicol

  “Fine!” snarled Pickle.

  “Fine!” shouted the others in reply.

  Very slowly, Pickle walked to the end of the lane. No one shouted her to return. Without a backwards glance, she crept under a nearby bush.

  After testing a few glasses of mead, Badger and Snif emerged to join the others.

  “Where’s Pickle?” asked Snif.

  “In this fog, it’s amazing we can see anyone,” said Badger.

  “She’s gone,” said the others.

  “Gone? What do you mean? I organised this party to cheer her up. How can she have left?” said Badger.

  “She was being horrible about us and about you Badger, so we asked her to leave.”

  Oh no! thought Badger, putting his head in his paws. Could this night get any worse?

  Otto flew to his side and chuckled. “Your wish is my command, Badger.”

  The Earl of Doodlepoppington was back. He strode purposefully down the lane carrying his gifts for the party, excited to see his cousin Badger, who had reunited him with his mother in Persia many moons ago.

  As he drew nearer to the party, he heard muffled whimpering. He sniffed around him, and peered through the fog, until he saw a bundle under a bush. He peeked closer. There was Pickle, huddled, damp and very distressed.

  “Hello, Pickle,” said the Earl cheerfully. “What are you doing out here? Why aren’t you with the others at the party?”

  “Ugh!” said Pickle crossly. “You’re all I need tonight. The last time I saw you, you tried to double-cross me.”

  “My dear girl, that was before I saw the error of my ways. And you all helped me do that. Now what seems to be the problem here?”

  “Problem? You’re my only problem right now. I just want to be alone. The others have decided that I’m not fit to attend their stupid party. So leave me to sulk, please.”

  “What have you done to annoy them this time?” sighed the Earl.

  “Nothing! All I did was point out how we used to rumble along together as a gang, causing mayhem along this lane. They’ve all changed. They’re all a bit … good now. Where’s the fun in that?”

  “And what about Pogo Paws? Does he think this too?” asked the Earl kindly.

  “Hah! Pogo Paws left long ago. He ran off to the circus. So it’s just me in charge of the gang,” snorted Pickle.

  “So, you’re all on your own now? I can understand you feel angry, but it doesn’t have to be like this.”

  “Oh, so now you’re not only an earl, but you’re also lord and master of what’s good for me?” frowned Pickle.

  “Friends are friends, my dear girl, regardless of their flaws. You’ve got a good bunch there with the gang. If they have changed for the better, they can still be your pals. It’s nice to be nice, and it might improve your mood a little.”

  Pickle turned her back on the Earl and curled up under the bush.

  The Earl said: “I’ll leave you to it then, because everybody’s waiting for me to arrive.” He shook his head and swept off down the lane to join the others at the party.

  At the party, the alley cats were in full swing. The Meowzik Maker was pumping up the volume and Cheryl and Dodgy Dave were getting down to the beat.

  Badger was still glum, even though he was surrounded by several slices of toast.

  A figure emerged from the fog. Badger jumped up and threw his paws around the Earl.

  “Doodles, am I glad to see you!” grinned Badger.

  “Yes, I just met your old pal Pickle in the lane. She seems a bit down in the dumps.”

  Badger frowned “I know. This party is supposed to be for her, and now she’s not even here.”

  “I say, old chap, where’s that red raggy thing you’ve usually got tied around your neck?”

  “It’s a long story,” groaned Badger.

  “Never mind! I come bearing gifts: party hats to be exact,” said the Earl, thrusting a bulging bag forward.

  Everyone clamoured round Badger to look in the bag, which was packed with bright red hats bearing tickly tassles … just like Otto.

  “But I’m the only fez in this lane!” cried an outraged Otto.

  The others looked at each other and fell about laughing. The Earl gave out the hats to each party member. Soon, no one knew which of the hats was Otto.

  Then one of the hats caught Lennie’s eye. “That one must be Otto!” he shrieked “Look! It’s moving all on its own.” They peered at the fez gliding along the ground.

  Two tiny feet emerged from underneath the hat, and they realised it was Cheryl, swamped by the fez.

  “It’s too big,” she giggled. “I can’t see where I’m going.”

  “None of us can in this fog,” said Dodgy Dave.

  All of a sudden, the fezzes rose up into the air and flew in formation. They all looked upwards in wonder, as the hats performed a double-diamond roll, followed swiftly by a quarter-clover manoeuvre, and then a whirl of loops and swoops, before each fez glided perfectly onto their heads.

  The hat on top of Lennie’s head began to rumble. He looked upwards to see a shower of confetti cascade down from his hat.

  “I think this one’s Otto, because he’s showing off,” said Lennie.

  Once Lennie was completely covered from head to paw in the multi-coloured confetti, Otto whizzed off to tickle everyone with his tassle. Lennie looked at Otto flying around in complete admiration. Otto noticed that Lennie was impressed with his antics, and puffed out his tassle proudly. At last, thought the little fez, someone appreciates me!

  “Okay,” said the Earl taking command. Everything looks good, and smells good. Let’s get this party started, right now!” “Woohoo!” they chorused as they all bounced to the beats. Badger looked on thoughtfully. He was pleased to see his pals enjoying themselves, but he couldn’t forget that there were missing guests. ’Chief had vanished, Pickle had been excluded and Pogo Paws was in a circus, far far away.

  He needed some help, and he needed it fast, before the reunion could be truly complete.

  The sounds of the party grew fainter, as Badger soared higher and higher through the fog in his beloved Wim-Wim, heading off to visit the only one who could help him see clearly.

  Back at the party, Top Dog, Hamish, Dodgy Dave, Cheryl, Snif, Timmy, Lennie, Louie, Otto and the Earl of Doodlepoppington had started a conga line leading up the lane. They were all in high spirits. The midnight hour was not far away.

  As Badger landed the Wim-Wim gently in the enchanted forest, he was met by his plucky friend, Baby Unicorn.

  “It’s unusual to see you on your own Badger. What’s up?” asked the unicorn.

  Badger sighed.

  “Everything has gone wrong. ’Chief has left me and I don’t feel as badgical magical anymore. Plus, I tried to organise a reunion party with the gang, to cheer Pickle up, because she’s missing Pogo Paws badly. But now she’s disappeared too.”

  “Okay, follow me,” said Baby Unicorn wisely. “I’m sure we can get this sorted out.”

  They made their way along the golden-leaved path towards the famous crystal cave. The fog was far, far below them.

  Inside, they walked quietly through avenues of gleaming, shimmering crystals, till they arrived at an archway of glittering stalactites. Badger’s eyes widened as they stepped into a chamber of pure purple light.

  “Epic!” said Badger, as they stood before a wall of dazzling amethyst crystal. Baby Unicorn nodded to Badger to stay completely still.

  “This,” said the unicorn, “is the Whispering Wall; the place where you will always hear the truth. Only those who stand in this spot can hear the words of wisdom that are meant for them. Whatever your question, your deepest desire for knowledge will be answered here.

  “So, over to you, Badger. Close your eyes and think hard about what it is you really want to know.” Badger closed his eyes tightly. He asked where his neckerchief had gone, how he could reunite Pickle properly with her old friends, and how he could get rid of the nuisance that was O
tto.

  The crystals began to vibrate and pulsate with light. At first he heard mixed murmuring and mumbling, then a fully fledged whisper said: “’Chief has not deserted you, and Pickle’s friends are true. When you least expect it, you will have a rendezvous.”

  Badger scratched his head, looked at Baby Unicorn and tapped the wall.

  “What does that mean then? Is it a riddle?”

  “Don’t touch the wall, Badger. You must not disrespect the wisdom of the amethyst. Everything you need to know is in your heart,” said Baby Unicorn.

  “Oops! Sorry, Whispering Wall,” bowed Badger politely, still looking a little bewildered.

  “Chin up, my friend. It’s time for you to rejoin your party. You can’t be a party pooper-scooper,” winked the unicorn. “And I have my own contribution to make to the festivities.”

  Baby Unicorn pointed his horn at a box to the side of the Whispering Wall, which was giggling and jiggling. Badger looked at it suspiciously.

  “Should I be worried? Will it travel back okay in the Wim-Wim?”

  “Of course, Badger. It’s only some party poppers and streamers, but they do get excited about being outside of their box.”

  Badger grabbed the package, said “thank you” to his friend, and boarded the Wim-Wim to head back to the party.

  With the Wim-Wim’s fog lights on full beam, he came into land at the far end of the lane, feeling much calmer about his missing neckerchief. He had to simply trust that ‘Chief would return.

  At the party, Cheryl had brought out her karaoke machine and Dodgy Dave was belting out his best rendition of “You ain’t nothing but a Hound Dog”. The others were jitter-bugging, twisting the night away, and having a happy hootenanny.

  Badger stepped out of the Wim-Wim with his box of goodies. In the distance, he heard a muffled jingle-jangle sound. As the clink and clankle drew nearer and louder, he spotted an all too familiar sight.

  A pair of big black boots thundered towards him.

  The Dog Catcher had returned!

  Badger gasped and slunk into the murky shadows. Once the Dog Catcher had gone past, he crept out and made his way back to the garden.

  The party was in full swing, and the mead was proving very popular.

  Little did they all know that Otto had secretly added a few playful ingredients to the mead mix: a sprinkling of agar-agar powder; a handful of flax seeds; and a razz of rhubarb.

  “Badger, where have you been? You’re missing all the fun,” hiccupped Lennie “You have to try some more of the home-made mead. It’s amazing!”

  “Thanks Lennie, but I need to concentrate on who I’ve just seen out there in the lane,” said Badger darkly.

  Snif stopped jiving and tilted his head, “What’s that, Badger? Who did you see?”

  “Yet another old friend of ours! But one who wasn’t invited. I’m afraid the Dog Catcher is back and on the prowl.”

  The lane went quiet. The music stopped, and everyone huddled around the Mystical Mutt firing questions at him. There was panic afoot.

  Suddenly, the Earl stepped into the middle and shouted: “Halt! Keep calm everyone!”

  There was a collective hush.

  “Now, listen here. What do any of you have to fear from the Dog Catcher? I believe that you’re all in good homes or good jobs. Surely you are now all official?”

  “That’s true,” said Top Dog. “Hamish’s Big Folk made sure I was micro-chipped when they took me in.”

  “And I’ve got a collar now, and needed documents to be able to go on tour,” added Dodgy Dave.

  “We had to get permits and go through all the correct channels to be able to set up PLOPP, so that must mean we’re safe too,” said Snif.

  “I made sure Lennie had his passport before we could go travelling. Besides which, I’m his guardian now,” said Louie proudly. Lennie beamed.

  “And of course dear fellows, there’s never been any question about my lineage,” added the Earl, with just a glimpse of his old pomposity.

  They all breathed a sigh of relief and got ready to boogie again.

  “Hang on a minute,” said Badger, “I think there’s someone we’ve forgotten; someone who is still a stray, with no home. And someone, who is this very minute, in danger, out there in the fog, on her own.”

  They all turned round and shouted at once “Pickle!”

  “So how can we help her then, gang?” asked Badger.

  “Why should we do anything?” frowned Dodgy Dave “She’s been horrible to all of us.”

  The others muttered and nodded their agreement. Badger stood quietly and listened.

  “So tell me, why do you think Pickle was behaving so badly?” asked Badger.

  “Because she’s always been mean?” offered Snif.

  “Maybe she never did, and still doesn’t, like us?” suggested Top Dog.

  “Perhaps she’s missing Pogo Paws?” said Lennie.

  “I think that’s it in a nutshell, Lennie,” agreed Badger “She sees all of you doing well, being happy, and none of you are on your own. Rather than admit that, I think Pickle was lashing out and pretending she doesn’t care.”

  The others mulled over what Badger had just said. It was Top Dog who spoke up first. “Right, what can we do to get her to safety?”

  “Well, I know where she was, but I don’t know if she’ll still be there,” said the Earl. “She was under a very damp bush further up the lane. Follow me.”

  As they all trooped off to find their friend, they could hear the distant thud of the Dog Catcher’s boots behind them, and the jingle-jangle of his keys.

  “We’ll have to be quick,” said Badger, sniffing the ground to pick up Pickle’s trail. The others did the same.

  “She’s over here!” yelled Snif. They rushed to the bush where Pickle was sitting defiantly with her paws crossed.

  “What?” she said. “Can’t a girl get any peace from you lot?”

  “Pickle, we don’t have time for this right now,” said Badger urgently. “The Dog Catcher is right behind us, and he’s coming for you. We need to get you back to my garden and hide you in the shed.”

  “Leave it to me,” said Otto the fez, diving off Badger’s head and into a spin. Within seconds, the fez had transformed into a red-velvet, rectangular box.

  “Wow!” said Badger impressed, “I forgot about your shape-shifting talents.”

  “You should make use of me more often then,” said a voice from one of the cushion tassles.

  “Right, Pickle, get in!” ordered Badger.

  “I’m not getting in there!” said Pickle

  The others lunged forward, grabbed her by the ruff and bungled her in.

  “Lennie, sit on the top, and make sure she stays quiet.”

  They hoisted the box on top of their shoulders and headed towards Badger’s garden.

  But as they set off down the lane, they bumped slap bang into two big boots.

  “So what’s going on here then?” glowered the Dog Catcher.

  “We’ve run out of chairs for our party,” blustered Dodgy Dave, trying to explain the large box, and pointing at his collar.

  “We found this in the skip,” added Badger.

  “I’ve got a passport now,” said Lennie proudly.

  “Come and join us later if you want,” braved Top Dog, hoping the big boots could still spot his micro-chip tag in the fog.

  “Be on your way then, and I might drop in after I’ve finished my patrol,” said the Dog Catcher.

  They sighed in relief as the boots trundled on down the lane.

  A persistent knocking started up from inside the box.

  “Ignore her,” said Top Dog. “We have to get her back to the party as quickly as possible.”

  They reached Badger’s garden and released Pickle. The box juddered and exploded into a million sparkles. Soon Otto the Fez was back on top of Badger’s head and the box had vanished.

  “Awesome!” said Hamish in utter disbelief.

  “Right,
thank you, Otto. Pickle, get yourself into my shed, please, and stay there until I tell you that the coast is clear. There’s toast and warm blankets and you can watch from the window,” ordered Badger.

  For once, Pickle did exactly as she was told.

  The others spread themselves between the garden and the lane and continued to party. The alley cats pumped up the volume as the midnight hour drew closer.

  A few minutes later, they heard footsteps clomping towards them. It was the Dog Catcher, and he was smiling.

  “So, have I come to the right place? Is this the party? I’ve brought you all some tasty slaverpalavers and slobberstix as treats.”

  “Come this way,” drooled Dodgy Dave. They welcomed their old enemy into the party and he looked around for a chair.

  “Where’s the big box?” asked the Dog Catcher a little puzzled.

  “Oh,” said Badger, thinking quickly on his paws, “my Big Folk needed it, They’re having a party indoors too.”

  The Dog Catcher knelt on the grass and ruffled their heads.

  “I know we’ve not always seen eye to eye, but I’m only trying to do what’s best for dogs without homes.”

  “But you’ve got a big scary net,” said Lennie.

  “And huge boots,” added Snif.

  “That’s only because you can run so much faster than me,” smiled the Dog Catcher. “Whenever I catch a dog, I take it to the Dog Home, where there’s food, a nice clean bed, fresh water, and company.”

  “But we heard that when dogs go there, they never come back,” whispered Top Dog.

  “But you came back, Top Dog, and look at you now with Big Folk to look after you.”

  “Yes, but to be truthful, I escaped … as did my friend here, Dodgy Dave.”

  “I know,” sighed the Dog Catcher. “You both gave me a fright when you disappeared. Usually though, dogs aren’t quite as cunning as you two, and we find them all homes with Big Folk who can’t wait to look after them, and give them lots of love.”