Tracing Holland (NSB Book 2)

by Alyson Santos

  “Oh, it’s real,” I lie. “I thought you did your research.”

  “No! It’s not! I saw you yesterday with those kids! Your smile! The music! I saw what…”

  She takes a step toward my door, and I slam it shut.

  “Luke!” she cries, pounding once in frustration. “You asshole!” The wounded tears in her voice are wrecking me. “You’re a fucking asshole, you know that?!”

  Yes. I know that.

  I slide to the floor, head on my knees, and completely shatter.

  ∞∞∞

  I’m functional again by dinnertime, but have no interest in seeing Holland or Wes. I return Callie’s text letting me know they’re back from the outlets, and ask if they want to go out with just the three of us. I miss our time together. Callie, Casey, me. Those few months in my suite were some of the best of my life, and a huge reason why I’m even here to miss them. I need them right now. I need to be just the three of us again.

  Callie writes back that they’re fine with my plan, and an hour later we find ourselves at a steakhouse. Supposedly, this place is a must for anyone visiting Myrtle Beach, and I like the atmosphere the second we step inside. It’s upscale, but still laidback in its own way, and we’re seated fairly quickly. We don’t seem to be recognized, which I appreciate. It was a rough day and I’m in the mood to disappear.

  “Find anything good at the outlets?” I ask, after we’re seated and have placed our drink orders. Casey and Callie exchange a look, and I fold my arms. “What?”

  Callie grins, and I swear Casey is blushing.

  “Nothing,” Callie covers quickly. “No, we didn’t buy anything interesting. Just some clothing and stuff.”

  I give them a skeptical look. “Really. So why’s your face about to explode, Case?” I ask.

  Casey glares at Callie. “You said we wouldn’t tell anyone.”

  My eyes widen as I lean forward. “Tell anyone what? I don’t count as ‘anyone,’ do I?”

  Callie is grinning so broadly I can barely stay seated.

  “Wait…No…” I breathe.

  She just shrugs and leans into Casey, taking his arm.

  “You’re not…no…”

  “Not officially, no. But we’ve been talking about it. You know, one day.”

  My jaw is on the floor and the warmth returns, starting to melt the freshly frozen barrier on my soul. There is nothing better that could be happening at this moment.

  I grip the table. “Are you freaking serious?” I whisper, and Casey returns my grin.

  “Calm down, man. We’re just talking.”

  “Yeah, but…”

  “We may have looked at rings today just for fun,” Callie whispers back.

  Casey gives her a gentle shove, and she giggles.

  “What? Oh my…That’s amazing! That’s…” I’m totally speechless. “I’m so happy!”

  “Like we said, it’s not official so don’t say anything! We’ve only been together a few months,” Casey explains. “It’s just…I don’t know. It feels right, you know?” And I seriously think I might lose my shit at the looks on their faces as they gaze into each other’s eyes.

  “Wow, this is…this is definitely not how I thought this conversation was going to go,” I laugh, leaning back in my seat. “You two are so great together. I’m so happy for you, you have no idea.”

  Callie’s smile fades as she searches my eyes. “Thank you, Luke. You mean everything to us. You know that, right? No matter what happens, it’s always the three of us against the world, got it?”

  I smile and nod. “Callie Roland Straight Talk. Got it.”

  She laughs, and Casey just looks confused.

  “Huh?” he says.

  “Nothing, hon. Hey! They have those ribs you like!” she cries, pointing at the menu.

  “Those ribs?”

  “Yeah! The little ones with the BBQ sauce!”

  Casey casts me an amused glance. “Um…you mean baby back ribs?”

  “Yes!”

  “Cal, I love you, but every place has ‘those ribs.’”

  She scrunches her nose. “Not every place!”

  “Most places.”

  “Ugh, fine! Anyway, you should get them.”

  Casey laughs. “Why? Because you want them? Why don’t you just get them?”

  “What if I don’t like them?”

  “Then I’ll eat them.”

  “What if you don’t like them?”

  “You already know I do! Isn’t that what started this conversation?”

  “Oh my gosh! You’re so annoying,” she groans, glaring back at her menu.

  Casey only laughs and tucks his arm around her shoulders. I’m freaking melting inside, and puking, but mostly melting. They just make you think you’ve got a shot at life. Every. Single. Time.

  “What about you? How were the pools?” Callie asks me, immediately slamming a pickax into my contentment.

  I force a smile. “Great. The hot tub was great. Didn’t do much swimming.”

  She nods. “Looks like you got a little sun. I’m glad. I worry about you and your vampire tendencies.”

  I smile again, dreading the moment when she finds out how badly I screwed things up with Holland. I’m still haunted by it all, even though I did the right thing, the humane thing. I did what had to be done. For all of us. But just when I think I’ve got the pain under control, I remember our song, how the music brought us together and connected us in a way I’ve never felt before, not even with Elena. I loved Elena so much, but we didn’t share the music. I never felt my soul suck another in like it had at that moment with Holland. I didn’t even know it was possible and now I’m a hostage.

  “You ok?” Callie asks, concerned, and I force myself to refocus.

  “Yeah, of course. Why?”

  She’s still looking at me, as is Casey. I thought it would be a good idea to be alone with them, but now I’m not so sure.

  “Your face changed. You look darker all of a sudden.”

  I laugh, but I doubt anyone believes it. “I’m fine. Just hungry. You know what you’re getting?”

  They let me off the hook, even though I know I’ve done a terrible job covering my tracks. They don’t believe a word I’m saying, but are willing to let it go.

  “Well, I’m getting the ribs, apparently,” Casey mutters.

  Callie’s grin returns. “Yes! Thanks, hon! Love you.”

  He rolls his eyes and closes his menu. “Just don’t get a salad. Because if we’re switching meals, there’s no way in hell I’m trading ribs for lettuce.”

  ∞∞∞

  Most of the group wants to hang out at the hot tubs and drink again that night. Since I no longer drink and would rather stab myself in the eye than face Holland right now, I pass in favor of an evening alone with Percy.

  I love the view from my balcony and decide to take full advantage of it while I can. Something about the moon reflecting off the ocean appeals to me, and I stare at it for a long time, absently strumming several progressions that have been in my head for a while. The chords are far removed from my usual patterns, but they’re beautiful and particularly haunting in the darkness.

  I can hear the laughter from the pool deck below and am glad they’re having such a good time. I’m not jealous of other people’s happiness, just confused by it. I guess, deep down, I long for it too, I just don’t understand it or how to let myself accept it. Callie’s words had struck hard that day at lunch. She was right. I do deny myself, but I don’t know how to embrace happiness when it almost always seems to be a zero-sum game for me. My happiness in exchange for someone else’s misery. I’m not doing that anymore. I’m protecting Holland. Our song was beautiful but it shouldn’t exist in my universe.

  I close my eyes and start humming along with the guitar. Words begin to filter in with the notes, which are becoming clear patterns. There’s a song forming, I can sense the pieces snapping into place in my head. My strumming becomes more deliberate, my voice stronger.r />
  “Guide me toward the light, I swear I’ll follow.

  Forgive me for the man I am.

  Fight the hollow ghost I carry.

  I’ve learned to hide the tears,

  Though they still break me.

  Search for me, the broken wanderer

  Find me, deep within my own void

  Save me, from my burning lies

  Don’t believe what I am

  I’m a fallen angel,

  The disease you can’t understand

  I’m the reason you’ve lost faith, your sin

  But I’m a liar, don’t believe me, please don’t believe me

  Guide me toward the light, I swear I’ll follow

  Hold me til the hollowness is gone

  These tears mean nothing in the darkness

  Don’t believe what I am.

  I need you to believe when I can’t

  That I’m more, more than I am.”

  It’s not until I stop playing, the waves once again filling the darkness with their chorus, that I realize the party below is silent as well.

  ∞∞∞

  I wake up the next morning to a slip of paper under my door. I pick it up and try to calm my racing heart as I scan the elegant text.

  You are a liar, Luke, and a damn good one. But no one can ever believe enough for you, not until you do. I hope you find your peace.

  - H

  Charlotte, North Carolina

  September 20

  It’s going to be another brutal stretch: Charlotte, Richmond, and Baltimore. Three stops in three days. Kenneth started hyperventilating the second we boarded the bus in Myrtle Beach, and Tess is doing her best to keep everyone else from quitting. For my part, I’m content just lying low, trying to survive our schedule and my own twisting brain as best I can. I exhaust myself; I can’t imagine what it’s like for other people to deal with me.

  I’m on my way to catering to grab something to eat when I catch a glimpse of Jesse, Limelight’s frontman, release an angry curse at his phone before shoving it in his pocket. I change course and approach him, squinting against the mid-day sun.

  “Everything ok?” I ask, and Jesse seems startled, then embarrassed.

  “Oh, hey, Luke. Yeah, fine.”

  I smile to disarm the moment. “You seemed pretty upset at your phone,” I observe, and he grunts, running his hand through his shoulder-length hair. He’s a good kid, extremely talented, but he makes Casey seem ancient. I’d be surprised if he’s all of twenty-two. It was a huge break for Jesse and the Limelight boys to book this tour with us, but it’s also a lot to absorb for your first major spotlight.

  Limelight was an up-and-coming local Philly band when the Label stumbled upon them to open for our tour. A regional phenomenon, but relatively unknown nationally. Not anymore. I feel for the kid. I know how seductive instant success can be. I also know how devastating. It nearly destroyed me, and I’ll admit, I’ve been secretly keeping my eye on Jesse since the tour began. He has an epic voice for such a young kid and an enviable instinct for music, but also the same doe-eyed approach to Celebrity that almost put me in the ground. Several times.

  “The Label hated my work tape,” he mutters, glaring at the pavement. “I really thought this one had something, but they don’t even want to pursue it.”

  I sigh. “Yeah. Been there.”

  He looks up again, surprised. “Wait, really? They’ve rejected your stuff?”

  I laugh. “Um, yeah. Like, all the time.”

  “Seriously? They said no to Luke Craven? No way.”

  I shake my head with a grin and sit on the ledge beside him.

  “Ok, well, first off, I wasn’t always Luke Craven. I used to just be Luke Craven, some dude from some band called Night Shifts Black. And second of all, yeah. They own you, man. Mind, body, and soul. Didn’t anyone warn you you were selling your soul when you signed?”

  “Hell, no,” he spits, and scrapes at a crack in the sidewalk with his shoe. “I just wanted to play music. That’s all I ever wanted. I didn’t know about all this other shit.”

  I nod and sigh. “Yeah, that’s all any of us wanted in the beginning. But that’s not the way it works, unfortunately. Every success comes with a new burden of expectations. Each reward has a higher price. You keep going until you reach the threshold of what you can afford to pay.” I smile. “Or at least until you can afford to pay someone else to bear the brunt of it for you.”

  Jesse laughs. “Is that where you’re at?”

  I smirk. “I wish.”

  His smile fades as he stares off into the distance. “It’s not what I thought. All of this,” he muses, waving his hand in front of him. “I mean, it’s like this dream you have forever. And then, bam, it happens, but it doesn’t even seem like it’s happening. You just keep living the moment, surviving it. It’s just another day, like yesterday. I thought there’d be magic or something when it happened. Makes you wonder if it’s even real, you know? That sounds stupid.”

  “No. It’s not stupid. I know exactly what you mean.” I follow his distant stare as I consider my response. “Look, you have to just stop and take a breath,” I continue, surprising myself with my sage tone. He looks over at me, and I can see the respect in his gaze. I meet it, a sudden protectiveness washing over me. “You have to force yourself to stop each day and look around. Give yourself a chance to enjoy the reality of the moment because there are no real endings, no bookmarks for your life to guide you. It just keeps going until it’s over, and it’s up to you to pick a point in time to stop and consider where you are.”

  I pause and point at his tour bus. “See that right there? That’s all you. You made it, Jess. You made it. So stop for a second and enjoy your dream. Think about what you’d be doing if you weren’t here and be grateful you are.”

  He snickers. “I’d be in prison probably.”

  I grin and shrug. “Me too. But that’s what I’m saying. You’re not. You’re here. In a few hours you’re going to be paid some serious money to do something you’d do for nothing. Forget the rest of this crap. The music is what matters. Forget the Label, the schedule, the press, the criticism, the reviews. They will devour you alive if you let them. You have to stop the avalanche each day and focus on the one truth that matters: you have the opportunity to spend your life doing what you love. The rest is only important to the extent that it allows you to continue doing that.”

  He doesn’t respond right away, but I can see him considering my words. No one is more surprised than I am by my speech, and I had no idea how much I’d learned, how much I’d grown over the last few years until it came pouring out.

  “I know you’re right. I do, it’s just so hard to have your heart shoved back at you and hear it sucks. That someone hates something you love. It’s like people don’t think you’re real. You’re just some idea or something, and they take pleasure in shredding you just because they can. The worst part is, you can’t even fight back and defend yourself!”

  I sigh. Yeah. If anyone can understand that…

  “The more people love you, the more others will hate you. The higher they perceive your pedestal, the more pleasure they take in knocking you down. You’ve exposed yourself, Jesse, made yourself vulnerable. Whether you thought about what you were doing or not, it doesn’t matter. It’s too late. By deciding to pursue your dream, you’ve opened yourself up to the good and the bad. And you’re right. You’re no longer Jesse Everett, the kid from Philly. You’re now a shiny object without feelings, a punching bag for hate and other people’s biases and issues.

  “But, Jesse, it’ll break you if you let it. I’m telling you, from personal experience, you cannot take your worth from what others think, good or bad, because they’re not judging you, they’re displaying themselves, their prejudices, their fears and hopes. All you’ve done is trigger a reaction in them, and sometimes it’s beautiful, and sometimes it backfires, but that doesn’t make it a statement about who you are. Criticism isn’t about the pe
rson who created the art, just about how your art fits into someone else’s world.”

  He closes his eyes, and I smile to myself. I’m not sure if any of this is getting through, but I sense it is. Jesse always seemed like a smart kid, a tough kid from the little I know about him, and I’m betting we have a lot more in common than we even realize at this point. He’s got a story, like so many of us, and he’s clearly a warrior. A damn talented one from what I’ve seen.

  “Can I hear what you’ve got?” I ask after a long silence. It’s hilarious the way he tries to cover his shock as he glances over at me again.

  “Really?”

  I laugh. “Yeah, of course. Grab your guitar. Let’s see what we can do.”

  “Oh my…seriously? You’re serious!”

  I roll my eyes. “You want to do this or not?”

  ∞∞∞

  I’m onstage messing with one of my amps when I sense someone’s attention. I glance up and immediately stiffen at Holland’s crooked grin.

  “Hey, stranger. Did Gary quit on you or something? Do I need to lend you my guy this time?”

  I return her smile with a shy one of my own. “Nah, I’m just fooling around. I wanted to try something for a song I’m working on.”

  “Oh, so intriguing! Do tell. Is it about a perplexing, crazy hot rocker who sucks you in with glimpses of vulnerability then acts like a total asshole?”

  I stare at her in shock, then grin when she does. I laugh and look away, praying I’m not blushing as I focus back on my amp. And she’s not even done with me.

  “Ok, so, I wasn’t sure how this works. Are we not supposed to talk at all now? Do we have to do the awkward silence thing the rest of the tour or what?” She lowers herself to the drum riser a few feet away. “I’m not used to blatant rejection, so I’m not exactly sure what happens next.”

  I return her grin again, I can’t help it, and am terrified I actually am blushing now. “Um…I’m not used to acting like an ass to people I care about, so I don’t know either.”