Holland startles me out of my torment with a gentle push to the side. She guides me back to the bed, propping herself up beside me, gazing into my eyes. She doesn’t say anything as she studies my face, tracing my chest, my cheek, my lips. I close my eyes, trying to put this moment back together, reclaim some of the sudden chaos.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, unable to look at her. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s…” I can’t finish, and am grateful I don’t have to.
“You’re thinking about her, aren’t you?” she guesses, and I glance over at her again.
I feel like shit. I don’t even know how to start sorting through all the reasons why. “I want you, Holland. I want you so badly, I just…I don’t know. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me.”
She sighs and settles onto the sheets, tucking herself against my side. Her hand climbs my chest, up my neck, and cups my face, gently stroking my cheek. I close my eyes again, allowing every nerve she triggers to react to her touch.
“Tell me about her,” Holland murmurs, still running her fingers in a dizzying pattern of chills over my skin.
“Elena?” I ask in surprise.
She turns my face toward hers and gives me a soft, but lingering, kiss. “Yes. Tell me about Elena.”
I know I don’t deserve this woman and I can’t imagine ever denying her anything again. I swallow hard and stare back at the ceiling.
“Elena was…I don’t know how to describe it. A ray of sunshine, I guess, but not the kind people mean when they say that. Not the easy kind.”
I stare off as I fight to explain. “You know how on a really sunny day you can look at a full shade tree in the distance and see a few streams of light piercing the gaps in the leaves? That was Elena. She was the ray of sunshine that fought its way through the darkness, through the gaps.”
I quiet, haunted by my description, but Holland prevents any need for more when her lips meet mine. I reach up and touch her hair, pushing it from her face as our kiss intensifies.
“I love that you still love her,” she breathes. “I love that you let your love for her transform you.”
My soul is bursting, so full of emotion that I’m still lost when she moves on top of me. Holland takes my breath away as she claims me, reminding me that while Elena is in my head, she’s here too, intent on carving out a piece of my heart. But she already has it. God, she has so much of it, I just don’t know how to give it over to her.
“You tell me when to stop,” she whispers, fighting for our connection again. My heart thuds against my sore ribs, my body reacting exactly how she wants it to as she takes it hostage. It is hers, every inch of it, and I can’t breathe as she pushes for more, escalating her seduction to a feverish intensity. I reach for her, intent on taking over, but she stops me with a greedy kiss, locking my arms against the mattress.
“No, you’re mine right now,” she directs, pressing me into the sheets. Her hands, her skin, her eyes, she’s totally captured me, and I doubt I could have moved right then even if I wanted to disobey her, but I don’t dream of it. She owns me in that moment, and I suck in my breath at the power she has over me. She seems to be losing herself too as she grabs the condom from the nightstand, and I’m shocked that there is nothing in me that stops our progress this time. There’s no protest, no devastating explanations. Just anticipation, hope.
Unbearable fire.
She kisses me again, hungry, inviting, and finally lets me hold onto her as she slides into perfect union with me. I’m amazed at how we fit, two halves forming a whole, two imperfections transforming into a beautiful masterpiece.
“It’s ok, Luke. It’s ok to feel something good,” she breathes. “It’s ok to let go.”
Spellbound, any lingering thoughts dissolve when the white light returns, blistering through my body and exploding the darkness of my head. But she has no mercy, she doesn’t stop, and I love every beautiful harmony that escapes her in the next few moments, evidence that she’s connected too, that she is satisfied with us, with the final testimony of what we do to each other. That the connection of mind, body, and soul has only begun, stranding us with a new, undeniable addiction to each other.
Sixteen months. Sixteen months erased in sixteen minutes.
∞∞∞
“So that happened,” Holland sighs, turning towards me.
I match her grin. “It did.”
“You know, you weren’t nearly as bad as I thought you’d be.”
My eyes widen in disbelief. “What?” I cry.
She giggles and nestles against me. “I’m kidding! I think with a little practice…”
“Oh, shut up. I can tell when a woman’s faking it,” I bark, and she laughs.
She becomes serious as she takes my hand and kisses my fingers. “Luke, I know how hard that was for you. The significance of this moment. I can’t tell you how happy I am right now that I got to share it with you. I don’t take it lightly.”
I close my eyes and draw in a deep breath, reminded yet again how much I don’t deserve this woman but am certainly going to fight to try.
“Do you know how much I wish I could say she was my last? That you were the first since Elena?” I confess quietly, opening my eyes again to meet her compassionate gaze. “But she wasn’t, Holland. She wasn’t even in the last twenty probably. We’d degraded way before her death, and then afterwards, I completely self-destructed. I don’t even know what happened those first couple months, only that there were lots of girls and substances to keep me numb. And then, I just stopped living altogether. Over a year of complete darkness.”
She squeezes my hand. “You’re not that person anymore.”
“I’m trying not to be anyway.”
“Exactly. Which means you’re not.”
I grin and adjust so I can wrap my arms around her and hold her against me.
“Hey, Luke?”
“Yeah?”
“You know I was kidding, right? That was amazing. You are amazing.”
“Wait until I’m back in full form.”
She laughs and twists to face me. “Interesting… And how long will that take?”
I shrug with a grin. “I don’t know. Depends how much practice I get.”
I love her look as she studies me. “Really…well, we don’t have a show for four days. Think the others would miss us?”
“Pretty sure Wes would,” I tease, and she flinches.
“Yeah, true…how are you feeling, anyway?” she asks, her eyes changing as she traces the bruise on my ribs. “I was afraid I was hurting you. This one looks pretty bad.”
“That’s funny, because I was loving the fact that I didn’t feel it for a brief moment. You’re a great doctor.”
She laughs and swats at my arm. “For masking pain with sex? Pretty sure they have another name for that.”
I roll my eyes. “Oh, whatever. You know I didn’t mean that.”
“No, but I gotta say, as much as I hate to admit this, because what you and Wes did was totally immature and stupid, badass Luke is pretty damn hot. I can’t believe you took a punch and fought for me.”
I laugh and shake my head. “It’s not like Wes really gave me a choice.”
“Who swung first?”
“This feels like a trick question.”
“It’s not! I just want to know.”
I sigh. “I’m pretty sure I did.”
“Pretty sure?”
“It happened really fast. I don’t know.”
“Has it been sixteen months since your last fight too?”
I glance at her in amused disbelief, and she returns a shy smile.
“What? Has it?”
“I have no clue. Probably not,” I laugh.
“How can you not know?” she argues, crinkling her nose in an adorable scowl.
“It’s not like I keep a diary of this stuff!” I cry in exasperation.
“You should. It’s fascinating.”
“Fascinating?”
&nb
sp; “So when guys fight, do you actually do the whole ‘I’m gonna cut you!’ ‘No, I’m gonna cut you, bitch!’ thing first or what? Like, do you try to work it out with empty threats before the fists fly?”
I shake my head with a grin and rub my eyes. “Oh my god, you’re relentless.”
“So that’s a no?”
“Actually, I’m pretty sure Wes did call me a bitch.”
“What? No…really?”
I groan. “Can we please not talk about this anymore?”
“Ok, fine! Just one more question.”
I sigh and roll my eyes. “Fine, what?”
“I get the whole macho testosterone thing, but did it ever occur to you that maybe throwing punches isn’t the best choice for a guy who makes his living playing guitar?”
I laugh and wrestle her against the sheets, responding with a kiss that eliminates any lingering questions.
∞∞∞
Holland and I have pretty much decided to test our espionage skills and figure out a way to spend the next four days in this hotel room when I get a text from Callie that uproots my world yet again.
“Shit,” I mutter, staring at my phone in disbelief as I balance on the edge of the bed.
“What is it?” Holland asks, coming up behind me and resting her chin on my shoulder.
I rub my hand over my face. “It’s Casey this time…Dammit!” I turn and give her a quick kiss before rising to collect my clothes. “I have to go.”
“Yeah, of course. Is everything ok? What’s wrong? Is Casey ok?”
I sigh as I pull on my jeans. “Have you seen my shirt?”
“By the door, I think.”
“Thanks.”
“Luke, what is it? What’s going on?”
I stop and face her. “Casey’s father died. He didn’t find out until today and the funeral is Wednesday.”
“What? I’m so sorry! Why wouldn’t his family have told him?”
I shake my head, suddenly angry more than anything. “It’s complicated. I have to go find him.”
“Yes, of course!” She joins me by the door. “Hey, wait.”
I do, even as my mind races into the hallway. I have to go, I have to…but the frenetic urgency fades into a strange sense of peace when she slips her arms around me and pulls me close.
“Keep me updated, ok?” she whispers, and I know that request means way more than it sounds.
“I will, Holland.” I meet her gaze. “I promise.”
I kiss her then, loving how that simple action has transformed the anger of the previous moment into a more functional strength. She makes me better, stronger, no question.
“I’ll let you know as soon as I learn anything more,” I assure her, pulling away.
She nods. “Ok. And I’ll get dressed.”
I grin. “Good plan.”
∞∞∞
I find them in Casey’s room, and Callie lets me in with a knowing look. Casey is by the window doing his frantic pacing while he argues with someone on the phone.
“Molly,” Callie explains.
I nod and watch him for a second before turning back to Callie. I don’t think he even realizes I’m here yet.
“So what’s happening? What’s the story?”
Callie sighs and leans against the wall by the door, crossing her arms.
“Ok, so apparently his father had been sick for a while but refused any kind of treatment. He didn’t do doctors or whatever. Anyway, when he died on Thursday, his mom didn’t want Casey to find out until after the funeral.”
“What? Why? That’s messed up!”
She grunts. “Yeah, tell me about it. He’s really upset, as you can imagine. I don’t know. I guess since he was the only one still at odds with the man? Who knows, but Molly couldn’t keep it from him any longer and called this morning. She claims his mom is just out of it and thought she was helping Casey by not telling him. She’s always been kind of misguided and naïve, I guess.”
“Yes, she has, but that’s…” I shake my head. “Callie, he needs to go to that funeral.”
She meets my eyes briefly before turning back to Casey. I can see how concerned she is for him, how much she loves him. “I don’t know. Their whole family situation is so screwed up. It might do more harm than good. Besides, I don’t know if you’d be able to convince him to go. He’s a mess right now.”
I sigh and study my friend, my brother, across the room. “I know, but you have to trust me on this. I know Casey. It’s not about his father, it’s about him and the rest of his family. He needs to be there. Let me try to talk to him.”
Callie seems relieved at my involvement. “Thanks, Luke. Actually, he hasn’t eaten all day. I’m going to go find us something and give you time alone.”
We exchange sad smiles as she exits the room, and Casey looks over at the clatter of the door as he finishes his call.
“Luke, hey,” he says, and I make my way toward the main space in the room.
“Hey, man. Callie’s going to get you some food. She told me the news. I’m sorry, Case.”
He shakes his head with a dark expression. “That my dad is dead or that my bat-shit mom didn’t want to tell me.”
“Both?”
He returns a weak smile and drops to the edge of the bed. “Yeah, and so now what the hell am I supposed to do? Molly wants me there, Mom clearly doesn’t, Nate and Abby want me...this is so messed up.”
“You go.”
His gaze shoots over to me. “What?”
“Case, you need to be there.”
“Really, just like that, huh,” he replies skeptically. “My dad and I were not on good terms. Everyone there will know that.”
I nod. “No, but you’re on good terms with Molly, Nate, Abby, and the rest of your friends and family. You go, Case. You only get one chance to attend your father’s funeral.” I know that as well as anyone. I suspect Casey is thinking the same thing when he quiets and considers my argument.
“What about Mom?” he says finally.
“She’ll change her mind when you show up. And be glad you did, if I had to guess.”
“Maybe.” He curses again and shakes his head. “I don’t know. I don’t know if I can do this.”
“You can. Besides, you’ll have Callie and me there with you.”
His expression turns to shock as he stares back at me. “Wait, what? Luke, no…”
I sigh and lower myself beside him. I knew the second I saw Callie’s text I’d be going home to support my best friend, even if it meant I’d have to face my own hell.
“You can’t, man. It’s going to be my whole family! Hell, your aunt will probably even be there. You know what they’ll do to you,” he warns, searching my eyes. “They don’t know you’ve changed. They probably wouldn’t care if they did.”
I suck in my breath, instinctively bracing against the coming storm. “I’m not letting you do this alone, Case. I don’t care. I’m going, even if they make me sit outside.”
He’s still staring in stunned disbelief. “You’d do that for me. Put yourself through that?” He shakes his head and waves his hand dismissively. “No. No way. I’m not letting you do that. You’ve got enough shit to deal with.”
I almost laugh. “Case, seriously? After everything you’ve done for me? All the times you stood by me when there was absolutely no reason you should have? Not a chance in hell I’m backing away when you need me. I’m going.”
I actually think I see tears in his eyes as he stares back at the wall, processing my speech. He’s my brother, one of the best people I know. He’s suffered through multiple wars for me. I’m fighting this battle with him.
“Thanks, man,” he says quietly after a long pause. “Really, I…”
“I know,” I respond, clasping his arm. “Let me go take care of something quick, and then we’ll talk to Tess and Kenneth, ok?”
He nods, and I give him another reassuring smile before heading back to Holland’s room.
∞∞∞
<
br /> Holland is surprised to see me back so soon, and I love how natural our quick kiss works as a greeting.
“How’s Casey?” she asks, clearly concerned as we move inside.
“Not great. That’s why I’m here. I wanted to let you know that I’m flying back to Houston with him as soon as possible.”
She nods as if she expected as much. “Ok, sounds good. I’m going too.” She’s totally serious, and I can’t help but grin at her effortless kindness.
“You’re amazing, you know that?” I say quietly, drawing her into my arms. She returns my smile as she gazes up at me.
“I know. You’re a lucky guy.”
I laugh and kiss her. “I am. Way more than I deserve. But, Holland, you’re not going to Houston.”
Her eyes narrow. “Um, yes, I am.”
I shake my head. “No. You’re not.” I sigh and take her hand, leading her to the bed. We sit, and I turn to her with an earnest expression. “Look, I know your instinct wants to support Casey and me, but this is way beyond that. It’s going to be a lot more complicated than a funeral for his dad. Like, soap opera level complicated.”
She just looks irritated. “Please, you don’t think I know that? Everything that involves you is a freaking soap opera. I’m going.”
“Holland, I’m serious. You know I’d love to have you there under other circumstances, but you just don’t understand what’s going to happen. Casey’s drama is nothing compared to what I’ll have waiting for me. I’ve hidden from it for so long, but it’s time for me to go deal with it. I have no idea what that will look like except that it’s going to be incredibly ugly.”
She shrugs. “Awesome. You should deal with it. I’m proud of you for taking that step. And I’m going.”
I shake my head in exasperation. “Holland, you don’t understand…”
“No, you don’t understand,” she says, forcing me to look at her. “I signed up for this, Luke. And so did you. The sex part comes with a plane ticket to Houston. I told you, I want all of you. That includes all the shit from your past.”
Tracing Holland (NSB Book 2) Page 16
