Tracing Holland (NSB Book 2)

by Alyson Santos

  “I think so too. But Luke, you should know that Callie and I are going to do everything in our power to keep you from screwing it up this time. You should just know that up front.”

  He grins, and I return it.

  “Thanks. I’m holding you to that.”

  “Good, because Callie is already planning our double wedding.”

  I laugh and shake my head. “Wow. Well, don’t worry. I think she’ll change her mind when she finds out how long she’d have to wait. I don’t think Holland’s in any kind of rush either.”

  ∞∞∞

  We return to Philadelphia different than when we left, but better somehow. The four of us grew individually, as well as together, and it almost feels strange when the car returns us to our tour and the other reality we’d left. I often feel like I’m living multiple lives, but never more so than when I’m reminded of the deep chasm separating my past from my present. I’ve only complicated the gap further with this new present that I’m still trying to grasp. Still, I can’t shake the feeling that the path has changed, that a fragile bridge is now hanging precariously between my islands and I’m starting to catch glimpses of a future where I can navigate them freely. It’s a lot easier to imagine that kind of freedom when I watch Holland embrace it with effortless grace.

  I linger beside her, holding one of her bags, as she fishes through her purse for her hotel key.

  “I’ll probably check in with the band tonight for dinner,” she announces, almost apologizing, and I grin.

  “Yeah, me too. No worries,” I respond, following her inside so I can deposit her belongings.

  She turns to me and slips her arms around my waist, pulling me against her. “But you know I’d rather spend the night with you.”

  “Yeah, me too. No worries,” I repeat, and she laughs.

  I kiss her, surprised when my casual gesture turns much more intense. The magnet of her body starts drawing me forward, locking me against her as she backs into her room.

  “We can’t. Not now,” she groans, but does nothing to help her own cause as she claws at me, her sudden aggression ripping a frenzied blaze through my body. I have no interest in playing fair either.

  Her top is on the floor at nearly the same moment my jeans succumb to gravity, and there is nothing refined about our contact. It’s one primal need feeding the ravenous hunger of another.

  “Luke, don’t stop this time. Don’t talk. Don’t do anything but make me need you,” she breathes in the most convincing argument of all time.

  And I do.

  ∞∞∞

  “I apologize in advance for what I’m about to say, but holy shit,” Holland sighs, dropping back to what’s left of the bed.

  I laugh and close my eyes, still trying to catch my breath.

  “Unbelievable,” she continues and turns toward me. “Pavlov had no freakin’ clue. No clue!”

  “So I’m getting better then?”

  She responds with a kiss that makes me burst with pride at just how satisfied she is. I love that I’m enough for her.

  “Seriously. Perfection,” she breathes, pulling away, staring into my eyes. I’m not even sure she’s talking about the sex.

  I return her smile, captivated by the sudden explosion in my heart. Something is happening. Right here. Right now. Something huge, and I take a deep breath, searching her eyes.

  “Holland, my entire life people have tried and failed to ‘fix’ me. You’re the first person who’s made me believe I’m not broken.”

  Silence.

  I actually think I’ve stunned her for once. My words settle in the stillness, hanging between us like a promise, a gift, and I wait in agony, wondering what she’ll do with it. Her eyes fill as she seems to search every recess of my soul. I don’t know what she’s looking for this time, but as usual am afraid she won’t find it. That I can’t be for her, everything she’s becoming for me.

  I swallow, suddenly nervous, ashamed, maybe even regretting my impulsive confession. I don’t deserve her. I’m sure she knows that. “I’m sorry if that scares you. I…”

  She shakes her head and cuts me off. “No, you know what scares me, Luke?” she whispers, still staring into my eyes. “I’m terrified I’m not even close to finished falling in love with you.”

  ∞∞∞

  “Dude, you killed it tonight! What is up with you?” Sweeny cries as we move off stage. The crowd is still screaming, still calling for us and we’ve already done two encores. I grin and shrug as I wipe at my forehead with my shirt.

  “Just feelin’ it, I guess,” I return.

  “That was amazing!” Callie cries, running toward us. I return her quick hug and catch Holland gazing at me several feet away. She’s surrounded by her own band so I know there’s no chance to get to her. But my body is pumping with life right now, and it kills me that I can’t share this moment with the one person I’m craving. My phone buzzes and I cast a quick glance at the screen.

  Incredible performance. Almost as good as this afternoon’s.

  My blood sears hot as the grin spreads across my lips. I glance up at her and notice her own attempt to hide a smile.

  Thanks. I was pretty nervous so I just kept picturing you naked in the front row.

  She seems to like my joke, and this time gains the attention of her bandmates when she chuckles. I’m careful to look oblivious in my own circle as I sense Wes’ gaze. I can’t tell if he buys it or not. He has to know she’s talking to me.

  When we get to Toronto, you won’t have to imagine anything.

  I suck in my breath.

  Greater Metro New York City

  September 27

  “Luke.”

  “Callie.”

  Callie grins and drops to the seat across from me at the small table.

  “Glad you found it. Thanks for coming,” I begin.

  “Breakfast with Luke Craven at a local diner? Um, yeah, you dork.”

  I smile and shrug. “I don’t know. It’s been a while since we did this.”

  “I know. Too long.”

  “I already ordered for you. Hope that’s ok.”

  She seems surprised, maybe even pleased. “You did? Really?”

  I nod. “Pancakes, small stack. Fruit cup, no bacon. Oh, and tea of course.”

  Her grin is priceless. “Perfect. What about you? Rye toast with orange marmalade, coffee?”

  “Actually, I went with the French toast. I’m curious about the powdered sugar application at this establishment.”

  She smirks as the server appears and delivers our drinks. “Your food will be out shortly,” he informs us.

  We thank him, and Callie stares me down from across the table. “So, what’s up with the mysterious breakfast invitation? What’s the occasion?”

  “No occasion. Just missed this.” She looks skeptical, and I shake my head with a sheepish smile. “Seriously!”

  I sigh. “Ok, fine. I have some things I want to say to you without everyone else around. Not even Casey.”

  She puts down her mug and leans back. “Hang on, I’m confused. You actually called me here to talk? Like with real words and stuff?”

  I roll my eyes. “Hilarious. I talked at Jemma’s.”

  “Yeah, as long as you didn’t actually say anything.”

  “You kept coming back.”

  “I sensed you needed someone to care about your life. Plus you were crazy hot.”

  I laugh. “Oh, is that it?”

  She grins and shrugs. “Kinda. But seriously, Luke, Jemma’s changed my life too.”

  “You completely blew mine apart.”

  She quiets, and I can tell my confession has touched her. “I’ve always wondered what went through your head those first few weeks at Jemma’s.”

  I study her for a moment with a mischievous look. “You really want to know?”

  She smiles and crosses her arms. “Dying to know. I can take it. Hit me.”

  I draw in a deep breath. “Ok, honestly? At first I thought
you were a little annoying…”

  “Annoying?!” she cries.

  “But adorable!” I add quickly with a grin.

  “Still!”

  “Cal, you kept interrupting my breakfasts.”

  “Uh, you weren’t there for breakfast.”

  “Exactly!”

  “Ugh,” she groans.

  “You didn’t let me finish,” I laugh. “Anyway, you were also sort of fascinating at the same time. That day I walked in and saw you in my chair…”

  “It was my chair too!”

  “Our chair,” I concede. “The point is, I didn’t freak you out when I asked you to move. You just scooted across the table like my bizarre request made perfect sense to you. What was I supposed to do with that?”

  “Oh, believe me, it made zero sense to me, I just had no reason not to move.”

  “Well, you did, and it changed everything, Cal. Then when it became obvious that you cared even though you had no clue who I was, you had me. I was hooked.”

  “You and Casey make fun of me all the time for not knowing who you were!”

  “It doesn’t mean we didn’t love it!”

  She gives me a mock glare, and I grin before growing serious again. “Cal, you know what I loved about you, what I still love about you? You’re just there. Even when you didn’t know what to say, what was going on with me, when I pushed you away, you were there. No judgments, no expectations, just present, across from me, reminding me that I was alive and I was important to you.” I glance away, still not used to this whole sharing thing. “You probably saved my life, Cal, and I never really thanked you. So thank you.”

  Her eyes meet mine and the tears there affect me in ways I never could have expected. I’m not finished and search for the rest of the words. “Most didn’t even try, and the few who did…” I glare at the table. “God, I was so tired of people trying to fix what they didn’t understand, of framing me and my pain with their own experiences.” I glance at her again. “But you didn’t. You just saw me. There was a patience in your gaze that I couldn’t ignore no matter how hard I tried. I couldn’t let you down. I had to keep coming back because I knew you’d be there waiting for me. You expected something from me after everyone else gave up.”

  “I think in a lot of ways we needed each other.”

  I smile and nod. “We did.”

  She returns my smile and reaches across the table to take my hand. “I just hope you always understand how much Casey and I love you.”

  I almost laugh. “You make it pretty hard not to.”

  She grins, and I settle back. “Anyway, that’s why I called you here. I wanted you to know all of that. I know I’m not nearly as good at conveying my love for you, but I just really needed you to understand the impact you had. How beautiful you are, Cal. Inside and out.”

  Her smile makes the whole thing worth it, and I didn’t even get to the good part.

  “Thanks, Luke. That’s…” She wipes her eyes. “Gosh, I don’t even know what to say.”

  “Good, because I’m not done. There’s something else I wanted to talk to you about.”

  She looks surprised. “What’s that?”

  “I want to send a note to Shauna from us.”

  Her confusion makes me smile. “What? Shauna, our server from Jemma’s?”

  I nod. “Yeah, I’ve always felt badly about the whole chair thing and how it all went down at the end. She helped us out and I never really thanked her. We just kind of disappeared from her life.”

  Her eyes narrow. “So you want to send a thank you note?”

  “Sure, I guess,” I chuckle. “Along with a long overdue tip from the two of us.”

  “A tip? What kind of tip?”

  I shrug. “I don’t know. I guess, the kind of tip that will give her more choices in life for her and her family.”

  She stares at me in disbelief. “What?”

  “I’ll cover that part of it. I just think the note should come from both of us. She always liked you more anyway.”

  “Um…”

  “Just think about it. Maybe after the tour we can deliver it in person. Or mail it, whatever.”

  She shakes her head, and I’m still not sure what she’s thinking.

  “Hey, Luke,” she says after a long pause. “You know what I thought about you those first few weeks?”

  “What’s that?”

  “I always wondered how amazing it would be to know the rest of you. To see the world react to you when you broke free, when you escaped your prison.”

  “Yeah? Do you still wonder that?”

  She grins. “I’m starting to believe I’m about to find out.”

  ∞∞∞

  “How was your date with Callie this morning?”

  “Probably much better than your date with Wes,” I tease, pulling Holland against me on the couch when I’m sure we’re alone in the lounge of my bus. Eli, Sweeny, Jesse and Parker are in the back playing video games, but their enthusiastic hatred for the zombies they’re hunting behind the closed partition indicates we should have plenty of privacy for now.

  She grins up at me.

  “I’m not the one he despises, remember? Not a single punch was thrown.”

  I smirk. “Has he mentioned anything about our phone call since we’ve been back?”

  She shakes her head. “Not a word, which comes as a relief and scares the crap out of me at the same time…”

  “Me too. I guess as long as he doesn’t jump me on stage.”

  She gives me a look, and I grin.

  “Don’t even joke about that.”

  “Aw, come on. Chorus two of ‘Crash Down,’ here comes Wes with a devastating sucker punch to the head? Hopefully to my right side this time. Left eye is still a little sore.”

  I love the quick transition of her scowl into a smile. “Nah, then he’d have to come out stage right. Too awkward getting past Sweeny.”

  I laugh. “Good point.”

  “That’s just what your Label wants, more headlines.”

  “Eh, they’re used to it. I’m a permanent headline. I’m pretty sure my name is on the meeting agenda template at this point.”

  “Wait until news breaks about us.” My gaze shoots to hers, and she shrugs. “What? I mean, eventually we’ll have to go public, right? I’m not letting you take other girls out for your public appearances, so you’re either going to the Grammy’s alone, or taking me.”

  I can’t tell if she’s joking or not. “You really want to go public with this?”

  “Well, not right now, but yeah, after the tour. Why? You don’t?”

  I almost laugh. “I mean, it’s totally your call. You’re a lot better for my reputation than I am for yours.”

  She rolls her eyes and smacks my arm. “So, what was your plan then, genius? Keep it a secret forever to protect my sweetheart status?”

  I shrug. “I don’t know, at least until I save a busload of puppies or something and fix mine.”

  She laughs. “A busload of puppies? That’s your plan?”

  “I don’t know! It doesn’t have to be puppies…”

  We’re interrupted by a knock on the main door and exchange a brief look before pulling away. I make my way to the stairs and relax.

  “Delivery guy,” I call back to Holland, opening the door.

  “I’m looking for a Jeff Sweeny?”

  I nod. “One sec.”

  Based on the volume still roaring from the back, I know he won’t hear me if I call. I pull open the partition and four sets of eyes settle on me.

  “Sweeny, your food’s here,” I say and start moving back to Holland.

  “Huh?”

  I glance back at them and catch the looks of confusion.

  “Yeah, there’s a delivery guy here looking for you.”

  “For me?” Sweeny asks, shaking his head. “No, that can’t be right.”

  I shrug. “I don’t know. I’m just telling you.”

  It’s then that I see it. Jesse s
taring me down, shouting at me with a look, and I just about choke. Oh, shit. Here we go.

  “Dude, just see what he wants. Guy’s standing there waiting.”

  Sweeny grunts and pushes himself up from the couch, Eli close behind.

  “Are you Jeff Sweeny?”

  He nods. “Sweeny, yeah, but…”

  “Ok, great. That’ll be $1,605.00.”

  My jaw hits the floor as Sweeny literally takes a step back.

  “Um…I’m sorry…what?”

  “Your total for today is one thousand, six hundred, and five dollars. We have two vehicles here with your pies. Thirty pepperoni, thirty plain, thirty meatball, and ten mushroom. Where do you want them? I’m not sure they’ll all fit in here.”

  “Uh, no. I’m pretty sure you made a mistake.”

  “You’re not Jeff Sweeny?”

  “No, I am but…”

  “Catering event, far north parking lot, black tour bus, phone number 281-3…”

  “No, I got it! I mean, I get that it’s me it’s just…”

  “So it is you? Look, seriously, man, I’ve got a hundred pies here getting cold.”

  I can’t breathe. I’m pretty sure I’m literally dying. I can’t even look at another soul right now and focus on the floor.

  “I don’t have that kind of cash on me!”

  “We take credit.”

  “Ok, but…” Then, he freezes. “Wait….no…no fucking way….” he breathes, his eyes darting toward the back of the bus. I follow his stare and almost lose it completely at Jesse and Parker’s perfect disinterest in the events. They’re back to zombie-killing, gazes fixed solidly on the TV.

  “Seriously, dude. Are you paying for this or what? Do I need to call my manager?”

  “Fuck!” Sweeny cries in exasperation, pulling out his wallet. “No, I got it. Fuck! Give him your card too,” he barks at Eli who still looks monumentally confused. “We’re splitting this.”