“I want you to be, dammit!” He screamed. “Why do you have to be so fucking stubborn that you can’t see what’s standing right in front of you?!”
“And what’s standing right in front of me, Jude? Enlighten me, please.” I crossed my arms over my chest.
“A guy that cares about you,” he pointed to his chest, “so much that it scares him more than anything. A guy that only wants the best for you, no matter what that is. A guy that wants to protect you. A guy that just wants your heart,” he whispered the last part, bowing his head.
“Jude,” I begged, “please, don’t do this. I can’t hear this right now. I just can’t.”
He sighed and stepped away from the door. “I wish you’d stop being afraid of your own feelings,” he groaned. “They’re not going to blow up in your face.”
I started out the door and turned back to face him. “I don’t know that. There’s no guarantee that someone else won’t catch your interest tomorrow and I’ll become a distant memory to you. You told me I had to save myself, and that’s what I’m trying to do. I’m trying to be a better, stronger person. I’m trying to find me, before I allow myself to depend on someone else,” I waved a hand at him. “Look at my family,” I spread my arms wide, “they’ve done nothing but let me down. I’ve been hurt, deeply. Please,” I begged, “please, don’t be mad at me for this, but I can’t do this right now.”
“It’s not like you’d have to live with me forever,” he whispered, “not if you didn’t want to. It could be a temporary thing until you got your own place, or you could stay if you wanted. It would all be up to you. But you have to get out of this house, Tate. It’s toxic. It’s killing you, can’t you see that?”
I nodded. “I know, but I can’t leave yet.”
His jaw clenched and he mumbled something about me being too stubborn for my own good. He was probably right.
I headed back downstairs and Jude followed. I half expected my dad to have left, but he was still there.
I threw the letter at him and warned, “So help me God if you ruin that letter I will kill you slowly and painfully.”
Jude chuckled behind me, but I was dead serious. That letter was my last tie to my brother and I wouldn’t let him destroy it.
He picked it up carefully and ran his fingers over the now yellowed pages. His eyes scanned every word, and then went back to read it again, and again.
“No,” he whispered putting the letter down on the table. “No,” he repeated, shaking his head.
His eyes were troubled and for the first time in a long time he looked human. There wasn’t an angry snarl on his face, or a fake smile. Just…shock.
“No,” he whispered yet again. He pulled the chair out and sat down once more. “I…I can’t believe this. What have I done?”
“Believe it,” I snapped.
He put his head in his hands and sobbed. Like gut-wrenching, body shaking, sobs.
I couldn’t believe my eyes.
I even rubbed them and blinked several times to make sure it wasn’t a mirage.
Nope.
The man was crying.
I hadn’t heard him cry since the night the cops showed up to tell us Graham was dead.
I stood shell-shocked, clueless as to what I should do.
Jude came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me, laying his head on top of mine.
Minutes past before my dad wiped his eyes and lifted his head to look at me. “I’m so sorry, Tatie.”
An apology.
I hadn’t expected that at all.
I didn’t know what to do, so I nodded my head and that seemed to be enough for him.
He stood and pushed the chair into the table. He handed me back the letter and said, “I need a minute. Excuse me.” He passed by us and headed down the hall to where his office sat.
Jude guided me into the living room and sat me down. My mom had moved from the window to one of the chairs and now stared at the ceiling.
I clutched the letter tightly between my fists like it was the only thing keeping me from falling to pieces.
Jude sat down beside me and brought my body into his arms. I wrapped mine around his neck. I didn’t cry. I wasn’t sure there were any tears left in me at this point, but I needed to be held. I needed the comfort another person’s arms provided.
Jude murmured sweet things in my ear, but I couldn’t comprehend any of them. I was in a state of shock from the events that had transpired. He rubbed my back soothingly, but the gesture did nothing to calm me.
From where I sat on his lap I could see my father approach.
I stood up hastily and smoothed down my shirt, just to have something to do with my hands. I felt fidgety and nervous. I had no idea what to expect from him, because his reaction hadn’t been anything like I anticipated.
He stood in the doorway for a moment, rubbing his jaw absentmindedly.
Jude stood beside me and took my hand in a show of solidarity. He wasn’t going anywhere, no matter what was said.
My dad nodded slowly, as if he was agreeing with his thoughts. He brought his head up and his eyes connected with my own. He took a deep breath before speaking. “I…I…” He seemed at a loss for words. “My anger has always been an issue for me, from the time I was a boy. I had good days, and bad days…very bad days,” he added, his voice dropping low. I was surprised by how calm he sounded, compared to all the yelling we’d done earlier. “Your brother’s letter…God, I can’t even tell you what I felt reading that.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “It was a much-needed wake up call, I can tell you that much. I need help,” he whispered, his eyes lowering. “I’m going to get help,” he added with surety. He turned his head towards my mom. “I’m going to see what I can do for her too.” Scratching his jaw, he said, “I don’t really know what to say to you, Tate, except I’m sorry and I know that will never be good enough. Not for what happened with Graham, or what I’ve done to you, but I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”
My mouth fell open in shock. Was this a dream? He was going to try to get help?
“Wow, um…”
“You don’t need to say anything,” he shrugged, cutting me off. “I just wanted you to know. I already found a place, while I was on my computer, and I’m going to be checking in there tonight. It’s sort of like rehab, but for people like me.” He turned to leave and then stopped, turning back. His eyes grew sad. “I know you don’t want to hear this, and hell, you might not even believe me, but I love you.”
With that, he walked out of the room and back to his office.
“Tate?” Jude said my name softly.
I looked up at him with wide eyes. “Did that really just happen?”
“It really did,” he assured me.
“Maybe…maybe things will get better now?” I meant it as a statement, but it came out sounding like a question. I looked up at him with pleading eyes. I felt like a small child, needing someone to reassure me.
“Maybe.” But the tone of his voice said that he didn’t think so.
I had to hold on to hope, because somewhere inside me was a small little girl desperate to have her mom and dad back. I had to believe it would all be okay.
Chapter Twenty Five
The next week went by faster than I thought possible.
I stood in front of the mirror, staring at my reflection.
I’d waited my whole life for this one moment.
The moment I’d stride across the stage, grab my diploma, and become a college graduate.
From this moment on, I was out in the real world.
There was no more messing around.
This was the first day of the rest of my life.
I reached up and adjusted the black cap so that it sat straight on top of my head. I took a deep, steadying breath.
“You did it, Tate,” I said to my reflection, forcing a smile.
Despite my excitement for graduation I also felt an overwhelming sadness.
An
ytime I’d pictured this day, my mom, dad, and brother were there in the audience cheering me on.
No one would be there for me today.
My mom was currently off somewhere getting counseling—I doubted it would help though.
My dad was in anger management.
And my brother was dead.
I was all alone in this world.
Except for my friends and Jude.
Thank God for them.
I took the cap off and smoothed my hair down. I had to get to campus before I was late.
On my way out, I stopped in the doorway of Graham’s room. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, picturing him as I remembered. I hoped that wherever he was that he was watching over me today. I needed him to be there.
Opening my eyes, I said, “I love you, Graham.”
Warmth filled my body, and maybe it was crazy, but I knew he was giving me a sign that he was there.
When I got to campus I texted Jude and he let me know where he was. When I found him, he stood with his roommates—who were also graduating—and Rowan. Trent was nowhere to be seen and I figured he’d already taken the kids and sat down for the ceremony.
“Hey guys,” I smiled as I approached. Despite my sadness, I refused to let that ruin my day. Today was meant for celebrating and that’s what we were going to do—or at least that’s what Jacob kept saying. He swore the party he and the guys were throwing tonight was going to be epic.
“Well, if it isn’t my favorite girl.” Dylan grabbed me around the waist and spun me around.
“Put her down,” Jude growled warningly. “I won’t hesitate to punch you.”
Dylan chuckled and set me down. He whispered in my ear, “He’s just afraid you’re going to wake up one day and realize you like me more.”
“Shut up,” Jude seethed, having heard what his friend said.
Dylan laughed and ran away. Jude didn’t bother to run after him.
I’d discovered Dylan loved to get Jude riled up over me. I thought it might’ve become Dylan’s new favorite hobby, and I had to admit that Jude’s overreactions were often times comical.
“He’s pissing me off,” Jude muttered, bringing me against his side.
I laughed, smiling up at him. “He’s your best friend. He just likes to mess with you.”
“Yeah, well two can play that game,” Jude looked off into the distance where Dylan had disappeared, “don’t be surprised if he’s sporting blue hair one day.”
“Blue hair?” I asked, suppressing another laugh and failing. Leave it to the guys to make me feel better when I was having such a shitty day.
“Yeah,” Jude nodded. “I’m putting hair dye in his shampoo tonight for that one. I think blue would be fitting.”
“Pink would be better,” I told him.
He chuckled, his eyes lightening. “I love the way you think. Pink it is.”
“You’re not really going to dye his hair?” I sobered.
Jude shrugged. “Just act surprised.”
“Jude!” I shrieked, giving him a light smack against his ribs. “You better not.”
He shrugged and mumbled, “He deserves it.”
Oh, good Lord.
“You’re terrible.”
“Hey,” he let go of me, raising his hands innocently, “the fucker is asking for it.”
Rowan laughed, shaking her head at us. “You two are too much sometimes.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.
She shrugged lightly, combing her fingers through her long, light brown hair. “Just that you two are absolutely perfect for each other. It’s kinda creepy.”
Jude chuckled and kissed the top of my head. “I bet you’re regretting pushing us together now, aren’t you.”
“Not at all,” she smiled.
They called for us to start lining up, and my heart jolted.
This was it.
We walked together over to where they were putting us in alphabetical order.
“Hey,” Jude said, his voice low.
“Yeah?” I looked up at him, and was once again struck by how crazy it was that he was mine. I hadn’t wanted any guy, especially not Jude, but here we were and I was quickly finding myself unable to imagine my life without him. It was scary and exhilarating all at once.
“You never told me what grade you got on your paper.”
I laughed, wondering what had made him think of that today. “An A of course,” I shrugged. “Were you afraid I’d bomb?”
“Not at all,” he grinned, “with my help how could you possibly fail?” He joked.
“Professor Taylor loved it,” I assured him with a grin on my face. “In fact,” my voice lowered, “I’m not supposed to tell anyone yet, but he knows someone who works at they city newspaper and they want me to shorten it for an article and they’ll publish it.”
Jude’s eyes grew wide and his mouth fell open. “That’s amazing, Tate!” He cried. “I’m so proud of you!”
I squealed, surprising the people around us, when he picked me up and hugged me tightly. When he lowered me, he dipped his head and captured my lips. The kiss started out sweet, but quickly escalated to dangerous levels.
“Get a room,” someone coughed. I was pretty sure it was Jacob.
I broke the kiss and Jude placed a single light kiss on the end of my nose.
He had to leave me then, since they were calling for us to line up and with his last name he was at the beginning of the line.
It took a little while to get all of us in order. Once we were in a straight line, it was time for us to enter the lawn and take our seats.
Despite knowing no one was there for me, I couldn’t help looking out to the crowd, searching.
I spotted Trent waving to Rowan, with Ivy and Tristan beside him, as well as his mom and grandma.
I didn’t know what Jude’s parents looked like so I didn’t bother searching for them. Besides, they probably weren’t even there.
I took my seat and settled in to listen to all the speeches. They all sounded the same. About how we were all going to leave here and do great things, change the world, blah, blah, and blah. I was tempted to stand up and scream, ‘Give me my diploma and let me leave!’ But I didn’t think that would go over too well, so I kept my mouth shut.
Our class was large so once they started calling names I knew we’d still be there a while.
When Jude’s name was called I shot out of my seat and clapped like a maniac. The people beside me looked at me like I’d lost my mind, but I didn’t care one bit. Jude spotted me and dipped his head in acknowledgement, grinning crookedly.
Name after name was called out, and then I heard mine.
“Tatum Elizabeth O’Connor.” Excitement and nerves filled my belly. I felt sick and high all at once.
I strode across the stage, my head held high. I shook the Dean’s hand and accepted my diploma.
As I descended the steps I heard someone yelling. When I looked up I saw Jude and I smiled instantly. But there was someone else yelling too. At first I thought it was Trent, and he was clapping, but he wasn’t doing the hollering. Looking farther into the crowd my eyes fell upon Jude’s grandpa. Tears sprang to my eyes. I’d never imagined he’d be here and I hadn’t heard him when Jude’s name was called, but then I guessed I was yelling too loud myself to hear anything else.
I realized then, that I did have a family.
They might not have been blood-related, but they were family nonetheless. I took my seat once more with the biggest smile I’d ever worn plastered on my face.
The last name was called and the Dean spoke some more before we tossed our caps in the air, just like we had four years prior in high school. Only this time, there was finality to it.
People went in search of their family and I fought against the crowd to find Jude.
“Tatum!” I hear my name called, but I couldn’t see him.
Finally I spotted him and ran into his arms.
“Whoa,” he cried
, rocking back on his heels as he caught me.
“We did it,” I cried, “we really did it.”
“Yes, we did,” he chuckled, spinning me around, his excitement matching mine. “We’re big kids now, Tater Tot.”
I swayed dizzily when he set me down. He reached out a hand to steady me. “You okay?” He asked when I was righted.
“Yeah,” I grinned, “never been better.”
“I need to go find Pap,” he told me as his eyes scanned the crowd.
“I saw him cheering for me,” I grinned. “I didn’t think he’d be here.”
“I picked him up and brought him. No way was I going to let him miss this.” Jude smiled down at me and reached out to stroke my cheek. The gesture seemed automatic for him. It wasn’t to calm or soothe me. He was touching me simply because he wanted to.
“I’m really glad you did,” I took his hand as we pushed our way through the thick crowd of bodies. “It made me happy to see him.”
“He was mad at me when I picked him up, because you weren’t with me,” Jude chuckled huskily. “I told him I didn’t want you to know that he’d be here, that you didn’t have any family coming, and I wanted him being here to be a surprise. He was okay after that.” Shaking his head, Jude grinned. “He started yelling at me, actually, when he didn’t see you because he thought I’d done something to piss you off.”
“Don’t you visit him without me?” I asked, puzzled.
“Yeah,” he nodded, “but he thought you’d be with me today. Crazy old man. I don’t know what I’d do without him, though.” He quickly sobered, his face growing somber.
“Hey,” I reached up and took his cheek in my hand, “let’s not think about that today. Okay?”
He looked down at me and nodded slowly. “Yeah, you’re right. Sorry.” He cracked a smile.
“Jude!”
We both looked to our right and there was Jerry, standing on top of a chair waving at us. “Pap!” Jude cried, running to his side with worry. “Get down from there! You’re going to hurt yourself!”
“Nonsense, boy,” Jerry grumbled when Jude tried to help him down. Jerry swatted Jude’s hand away rather harshly and Jude glared up at him.
“Pap,” he said warningly. “Get down before you break a hip.”
Saving Tatum (Trace + Olivia #4) Page 28
