Burned (Cunningham Security Book 5)

by A. K. Evans

  “Thanks, Gwen. I needed this talk tonight.”

  “Anytime, babe.”

  Gwen and I chatted for a few more minutes, but she was pregnant and tired, so I let her go. That night, when it was finally time for me to go to bed, I fell asleep feeling better about the situation with my family than I had in a long time. Even though nothing had been resolved just yet, I felt good about where I was headed.

  “I just fed him before we left the house, so he should be okay until we get back,” Alex worried. “If not, I did pump and pack an extra bottle. It’s in the smaller black bag inside the diaper bag along with his bottle warmer.”

  “Alex, relax,” Pierce urged his sister. “Theo will be fine. Do you think I’d ever let anything happen to him?”

  Alex gave a gentle shake of her head as she bit her lip. Her eyes got wet and she rasped, “No.” After a brief pause, she went on, “I’m not worried about him getting hurt. It’s just that you’ve never really babysat before. He can be a handful if he gets fussy.”

  Walking over to Alex and wrapping my hand around hers, I gave her a gentle squeeze. When her worried eyes came to mine, I assured her, “I promise you he’ll be fine. When I was younger, I used to babysit all the time. I’ve done it for babies as young as three-months-old. Theo is nearly five months old now. You and Eric haven’t had a night out since he was born. The two of you need this time, and Theo needs you to take it.”

  Alex let out a sigh of relief. “I feel better knowing you’re here.”

  “I could have managed it on my own, Alex,” Pierce warned before his eyes came to mine. “Of course, I prefer having Zara here with me.”

  “Babe?” Eric called. “They’ve got it covered, and I really need some time with my wife. Can we go?”

  Alex’s eyes went from her husband’s to her son, who was sleeping peacefully in his car seat as Blaze looked on. Blaze took his role as guard dog very seriously and had set up his post right beside Theo’s car seat the minute Eric set it down.

  After giving Theo one gentle touch of her lips on his forehead, Alex turned back to Eric and gave him a nod.

  Once Eric wrapped his arm around his wife’s waist, he looked back at Pierce and me. “Thank you for watching him.”

  “It’s not a problem,” Pierce guaranteed him as he followed behind them to the door while I hung back with Theo. “Have a good time.”

  When Pierce returned, I was already sitting in the middle of the couch with Callie curled up in my lap, looking down at the little guy. Without taking my eyes off him, I stroked along Callie’s back and stated, “She’s such a good mother.”

  Pierce settled himself on the corner cushion next to me, and agreed, “Yeah, she is. She’s also paranoid and overprotective. I can’t imagine what she could possibly think will happen to him. We’re both adults. I’m sure we can manage.”

  I craned my neck to look at Pierce and smiled. “She’s a new mom and this is her first time away from him. It might only be for a few hours, but I can’t imagine it’s easy on her.”

  Pierce reached out to curl his arm around my shoulders. He gave me a gentle tug, causing my body to fall into his. Callie took the opportunity to make herself comfortable in his lap. “You’re too sweet for your own good, you know that?”

  Rolling my eyes, I insisted, “Just wait. This is still the honeymoon phase. You think everything I do now is sweet. Give it some time and you’ll see the real me.”

  “This isn’t the real you?” he wondered, now giving my needy kitty some attention.

  I shrugged my shoulders. “If I’m being honest, I’m not sure I know anymore.”

  His brows pulled together in confusion. “What does that mean?” he asked.

  It was now Saturday evening and I hadn’t yet talked to Pierce about my yoga session breakdown earlier in the week. He’d been working a lot lately, focusing on the arson cases. I didn’t want his mind worried about me when he needed to be concentrating on that. Now that it was the weekend and he didn’t have to work tonight or tomorrow, I figured it’d be okay to share some of it with him.

  “I kind of had a bit of a meltdown earlier this week.”

  Pierce’s body tensed beside mine. “What are you talking about?”

  My face searched his concern-filled one before I explained, “I went to yoga on Tuesday night when you were working late. Something came over me during class and I cried through the last half of it.”

  Now, Pierce was no longer concerned. He looked a little bit angry. “What happened? Why didn’t you call me?”

  “I didn’t call you because I managed to pull myself together. I talked to Leni about it and then I called Gwen when I got home.”

  Pierce didn’t respond. He sat, staring at me, waiting for more information.

  So, I gave it to him.

  I explained everything from the moment I started the class and almost immediately started feeling funny all the way up through the moment I hung up the phone with Gwen that night. When I finished, I stared up at him and waited for him to reply.

  After a few moments of silence passed, he asked, “What do you want?”

  Confused by his question, I returned, “What do you mean?”

  “If you could tell me what would make this situation better for you, what would that be? What would have to happen for you to feel better about it?”

  I said the first thing that popped into my head. “I’d want to go back to the time before it ever happened.”

  His shoulders fell. It hit him then, just as it had been sinking in with me all week, that this was an impossible task. There was no way to go back and undo everything that had been done. The situation had happened and all I could do was live with the aftermath, no matter how upsetting or painful it was.

  “Unfortunately, that’s not an option, beautiful. You said you’re struggling to forgive her. I understand that and believe wholeheartedly that I’d feel the exact same way as you if I were ever in that situation. But what do you want to have happen now knowing you can’t go back and undo it?”

  I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders. I’d been trying to answer that question all week long and hadn’t come up with a solution.

  “I really don’t know,” I admitted. “I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. My mother’s betrayal has cut me so deep. Like I told Gwen, if it were anyone else, I know I’d have already walked away. But this is my mom. I don’t think I have it in me to completely cut her off.”

  I paused a moment trying to figure out how to explain everything I felt.

  “I’ve been trying to understand forgiveness because I know it’s something I really do struggle with. I’m not proud of myself for my inability to forgive. Sadly, I’m still feeling so much bitterness and anger at what she did and the trust that was lost that I don’t know what to do. It’s like there are all these deep tears in the fabric of our relationship and I’m not sure they can ever be patched up and put back together. Even if they can, I know it’ll never look the same as it once did. And knowing that just makes me even more angry. I can’t understand why she’d ever do that to us.”

  “Have you asked her?” Pierce wondered.

  “Yeah,” I began. “We spent two years going in circles over this situation. We never got anywhere. She wanted me to understand that she couldn’t just cut off Michelle because she claimed my brother would probably never speak to her again. I don’t understand that because, according to my mom, my brother completely understood and agreed that Michelle was one hundred percent at fault for what happened. If that was the case, wouldn’t he understand that there was no way my mom could tolerate being around a person like that?”

  “That seems like a reasonable assumption,” he agreed. “You said she’s apologized?”

  I nodded. “My mother? Yes, she’s apologized. Michelle has apologized to my mom, but her actions have proven otherwise. I’ve never received an apology from her. Even still, it would hold little merit. I’m sorry, but if someone is truly remorse
ful and ashamed of what they’ve done, they aren’t going to continue to do it. The fact that she knows what happened to those afghans and refuses to admit to it proves that she’s not sorry.”

  “Let’s keep your brother’s wife out of it for a minute because you owe her absolutely nothing. It doesn’t seem to me that you’re concerned about your relationship with her, so let’s not even focus our time or attention on her. Quite frankly, she’s not worth it. But since this is your mom and you’re really struggling with it, we’ll try to figure out where you can go from here.”

  That made sense. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that I had absolutely no use for Michelle, so I wasn’t going to waste any energy on her.

  “Okay, that’s easy enough. I’m done with her. Now, what about my mom? I really don’t know how to get past this. I was close to her and I trusted her. That trust is gone now. She’s apologized, but I’m not sure if she’s truly remorseful or if she’s merely looking for my forbearance. Sometimes, I think she wants me to act like it never happened. I know I don’t have it in me to be that way. And what worries me the most is that if I can manage to find it in me to rebuild a relationship with her, how do I know she won’t do this again?”

  Before Pierce could answer me, we heard Theo start to get fussy. Our eyes shifted from one another to the little boy. He was sitting there looking up at us. Callie heard a baby and decided she’d had enough. She hopped down and walked off. Blaze was now more alert, curiously eyeing the tiny human next to him.

  “Hey, little man,” Pierce greeted Theo.

  Theo shot us a toothless grin.

  I lowered myself to the floor and started unbuckling him. I freed him from the seat, lifted him in my arms, and pulled him to my chest. “Hey, handsome. Did you have a good nap?”

  Theo didn’t respond as I moved back to the couch. The second we were next to him, Pierce leaned toward us, buried his face in Theo’s neck, and kissed him repeatedly. Theo squealed with delight while my ovaries simultaneously exploded.

  Pierce and I spent some time cuddling and loving on his nephew. Eventually, Theo grew fussy, and I knew exactly why. I could smell it, but Pierce seemed to have no idea what was wrong.

  “Why is he so upset?” Pierce asked. “Do you think he wants to eat again? Alex said he’d probably be fine until they got back.”

  Deciding I wanted to have a little fun, I insisted, “Oh, he’s probably just wet and needs his diaper changed. You can handle that, right?”

  Pierce’s eyes grew wide, indicating he was slightly nervous, but quickly recovered. “Absolutely. It’s no big deal.”

  I grinned at him and offered, “I’ll get the diaper bag. You start undressing him.”

  Pierce lowered his nephew to the couch and started removing his clothes while I fetched the diaper bag. I sat back down above Theo’s head and fished through the bag for a diaper and baby wipes.

  “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me,” Pierce groaned.

  I didn’t even have to look up to know precisely why he was so perturbed. Even still, I played stupid and asked, “Is everything okay?”

  Unfortunately, I chose that moment to glance up and look at Pierce. The look on his face was silently pleading with me to save him. Rolling my eyes, I gave in. “I’ll do it.”

  Pierce let out a breath, while I turned Theo around and changed his diaper. Once I had him all cleaned up and dressed again, Pierce leaned in and whispered, “I promise to make it up to you later tonight.”

  I shook my head. “There’s nothing to make up to me. It was a painless process for me.”

  “Right. Then, I promise to thank you later tonight for not making me do it.”

  Grinning, I replied, “I’ll accept that.”

  For the next two hours, Pierce and I devoted all of our attention to Theo. We talked to him, played with him, smothered him with kisses, and cuddled him. Other than the messy diaper, which wasn’t a big deal in my opinion, Theo had been a model baby. Pierce left Theo and me alone only once so that he could make us dinner, which we ate on the floor in his family room while Theo chewed on some of the toys his mom had packed for him.

  When Alex and Eric arrived back at Pierce’s place, it was easy to see just how much they appreciated their time alone together. Even still, there was no doubt they both missed their son. After they thanked us again for watching Theo, Alex and Eric loaded him up and left.

  Pierce locked up behind them and set his alarm.

  “A little presumptuous, Mr. Reynolds,” I teased.

  “Not at all,” he began, slipping both arms around my waist and nuzzling his face in my neck. “I told you I was going to thank you properly tonight. I can’t very well do that if you leave.”

  Laughing as Pierce moved his mouth along the skin at my throat, I admitted, “I know. I planned to stay. Callie’s stuff and my bag are both in the car.”

  Pierce’s mouth stopped moving, his arms left my waist, and he pulled his head from my neck. “Where are the keys?” he asked, holding out his hand.

  I walked to my purse and got out my keys. Several minutes later, Pierce stepped back through the door carrying Callie’s things and my overnight bag.

  After making sure everything was locked up and turned off, we got the pets settled and made our way to the bedroom. I barely stepped into the room when Pierce came up behind me, swept me off my feet, and carried me into the bathroom.

  “Bath time,” he declared.

  Minutes later, I was being cradled between Pierce’s legs—my back to his front—in his soaking tub. As his fingertips trailed gently over my shoulder and down my arms, he said, “You’re not going to know.”

  “What?”

  “You aren’t going to know that your mom won’t hurt you again,” he clarified, proving to me that he hadn’t forgotten about our abandoned conversation from earlier. “Unfortunately, you just have to make a decision about what you believe you can handle in your life and go with that. It might change over time, too. Don’t force yourself to be in an uncomfortable position because you think you have to. I saw how it was for you when I met her back at the funeral. I don’t want you putting yourself in that situation because it’s not healthy for you. I’m not telling you to cut her off, but I am telling you that you need to put yourself first. Whatever happens from there is totally up to you.”

  I dropped my head back to his chest and sighed, “Yeah. I think right now I just need some time. Maybe I’ll write down what I’m feeling in a journal or something. Do you think that could help or is that weird?”

  “Look at me, beautiful.” I twisted my neck and looked at him. When he had my eyes, he insisted, “Nothing you do to help yourself heal from any kind of trauma is weird. Whatever you need and however you need it, give it to yourself. And if there is anything you need from me while you try to mend your heart, know that I’ll be here to give it to you.”

  My body melted deeper into his. I lifted my arm and placed my hand behind his head. Urging his head forward, my lips just barely brushed against his.

  “I love you, Pierce,” I whispered.

  He smiled against my lips before he replied, “I love you, too.”

  Then, as promised, Pierce showed his appreciation.

  By the time we were tucked tight to each other in bed, I knew just how thankful he was. But more than that, I hoped he knew just how much I cherished him.

  “I did another hip opening class last night,” Zara shared as we climbed the rocky terrain on our morning hike.

  Immediately, I grew alert.

  While I was happy she was taking the yoga classes and enjoying the benefits of them, the last time she did one of those specific classes, I’d learned how difficult it had been for her. I prepared myself and asked, “How did it go?”

  “Much better than the first one,” she began. “I didn’t have another meltdown, which was great, but I’ve been thinking a lot over the last two weeks since I took the first one.”

  Zara and I watched my nephew together a week and a
half ago. She’d discussed her feelings about the state of her relationship with her mother that night but hadn’t talked about it again since then. As much as I wanted to be a support system for Zara, I also wanted to make sure I let her work through it at her own pace. It seemed to work well for her when it came to starting a relationship with me and in her journey to feel comfortable with her body.

  “And what have you come up with in that time?” I wondered.

  “I need to do what’s best for me right now. I love my mom; that’s never going to change. But I am not in a place where I’m ready to repair the relationship with her. That’s not me saying that I don’t ever want it to get better, but I’m not capable of it just yet. I’ve got to work through my hurt and anger on my own first and figure out if I can forgive her.”

  “Do you think you’ll get there?”

  “I hope so,” she replied. “This forgiveness thing is really tough for me, especially in this situation. In anything that’s ever happened in life, especially if someone has wronged my mom, I’ve always taken her back. She didn’t do that for me. People say it’s important to forgive and that it’s more for yourself than it is for the person you’re giving it to. I don’t necessarily disagree, but knowing that I’m at a place where I don’t feel like I can rebuild our relationship makes me think I’m not ready to forgive.”

  I hated that this was weighing so heavily on her. Up until she went to that class that caused all of these emotions to bubble to the surface, I’d seen her being so carefree and happy. Since I’d learned of it, I couldn’t say she was unhappy, but I could tell her mind was thinking about it a lot.

  “Is the yoga really helping you?” I asked, wanting to make sure she wasn’t doing anything to exacerbate the problem.

  Before she could respond, I stepped in front of her to hop down from one of the steep rocks. Blaze jumped down without a problem while I turned and lifted my hand to Zara, making sure she didn’t fall or get hurt while she came down.

  Once she was down safely, we kept right on walking.

  “I really think it’s been helping a lot. I feel so much better physically and it’s making me work through my feelings on a lot of other things. It’s not easy stuff, but I think it’s necessary. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always found it easier to bury my emotions. I’m realizing now that it’s not healthy for me to do that. So, while it’s tough now, I think it’s going to be a very good thing for me in the long run.”