The Door at the Top of the Stairs

by Alison Naomi Holt

  Morgan got in and tuned the radio to her favorite classical station. If she didn't have conversation, she'd at least have music.

  There were several stops they needed to make before they headed to the hunt fixture to repair the fences; she made a quick list in her mind. They'd need to stop in town for a few supplies, and she had to stop at Jake Tate's place to pick up the come-along he'd borrowed from her to tighten some of his fences.

  They pulled into a parking space on Main Street. Jesse stayed in the truck while Morgan went to the bank, then to the hardware store to pick up a few fencing supplies. When she was finished, she ran into the market and bought a few things. Jesse had her head up against the back window, her eyes closed and her arms resting on her knees when Morgan walked back to the truck and tossed a carton of milk and some pastries at her. “Here, you anti-social little shit, eat something."

  As Morgan climbed behind the wheel and started the truck, Jesse smiled as she grabbed the pastry and milk. Hunger pangs had tugged at her on the way into town, but she wasn't about to admit that to Morgan. The last of the pastry disappeared as they turned down the dirt road leading to Tate's farm.

  Jesse surprised Morgan when she jumped out of the truck and followed her to the pens where some cowboys were branding cattle. The owner, Jake Tate, straddled the top of a cattle chute, pushing some steers forward with a cattle prod. Jesse leaned against the corral fence as Morgan walked over to Jake.

  "Jake, looks like you're hard at work."

  Jake jumped down off the chute, took off his glove, and shook hands with Morgan. “Good to see you. How's Ryland doing?"

  "Better than ever, thanks. How's Julie?"

  "She's in the house. Come on in and say hello." He started for the ranch house, but Morgan stopped him.

  "I wish I could, but I can't stay long today. I just needed to pick up that come-along I lent you the other day."

  Jake nodded. “No problem. It's over here." He started toward the fence but stopped when he saw Jesse. His hands curled around the cattle prod as he stormed over to where she was standing.

  "What the fuck are you doing on my land? Get off my property, now!" His face turned an angry shade of reddish-purple as he pointed the cattle prod at Jesse, who cocked her head to the side and smiled slightly.

  Morgan came up behind him. “Jake, what's the matter? She's with me. She works for me."

  Jake ignored her. “I said get off my property!" Without warning, he shoved the cattle prod up against Jesse's stomach and pushed the button, sending a shock of electricity into her.

  Jesse didn't jump. She didn't even flinch. She looked down at the cattle prod, then back up at Jake with a deadly set to her eyes.

  All animation left her face as she said very quietly, “They don't hurt as much as you think, Jake, but you're sure as hell gonna be hurting when I'm—"

  Morgan pushed herself between the two of them and grabbed the cattle prod out of Jake's hand. “What the hell do you think you're doing, Jake?" Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Jesse push off the fence and lunge toward them. She dropped the cattle prod, rammed her elbow into Jesse's chest and pushed her back into the fence.

  "Get in the truck, Jesse! Now! "

  Jake reached over Morgan's shoulder to grab Jesse, and Morgan shoved him in the other direction. Jesse tried to push her aside to get at Jake, so Morgan turned around, grabbed her by the arm and the back of her pants, and threw her toward the truck.

  Morgan immediately turned back to Jake and put her hand on his chest. "Just give me the come-along and we'll leave. I'll stop back later and we can talk."

  Jake glanced over her shoulder and she quickly looked behind her to see Jesse coming back toward them.

  When Jesse registered the storm in Morgan's face, she slowed, then stopped and backed a few steps toward the truck.

  Too little, too late as far as Morgan was concerned. She headed for Jesse, who sped up and reached the truck just ahead of her. Morgan ripped open the passenger door and shoved Jesse into the seat before she slammed the door and stalked back toward Jake. "What's all this about? What did she do?" She stood in front of him, her hands on her hips, waiting to hear what he had to say.

  Jake walked over, grabbed the come-along and handed it to her. “Don't ever bring her back here, Morgan, or that'll be the end of our friendship." He reached down and picked up the cattle prod before heading to his house.

  Morgan hefted the come-along over her shoulder and watched him until he'd gone inside. She turned toward the cowboys who'd been standing next to the cattle chute, watching. Almost all of them had come under Morgan's wrath at one time or another, and none of them wanted any part of it now. They hustled back to work as soon as she looked their way.

  Morgan walked to the truck and threw the come-along in the back. She jerked open the passenger door, ordered Jesse out and slammed it shut again. "Get in the back, now!"

  Jesse climbed onto the rear tire and swung her leg over the side of the truck. She sat with her back up against the cab and refused to look at Morgan when she opened the driver's side door and got in. Morgan shoved the truck into gear and spun out toward the main road. Jesse had to brace herself against the side to keep from being thrown around inside the bed.

  Morgan picked up the truck phone and called Ryland. "Would you mind very much if I kill her?"

  Ryland was quiet. Normally she'd think Morgan was joking, but something in her tone told her she was really upset. "What happened?"

  "I have no clue, but I'm gonna kill her when we get to Johnson's." Morgan held the phone between her shoulder and ear while she downshifted and slowed to check for traffic as she turned onto the main road.

  "Morgan, Honey, I need a little more than that if you want me to help sort things out."

  Morgan accelerated onto the main road. When she came up to another car faster than she'd anticipated, she looked down at her speedometer and saw that she was going eighty in a fifty-five mile an hour zone. "Shit." She braked to sixty and tried to calm down. "I don't know what just happened. I stopped at Jake's to get the come-along. Jesse got out of the truck with me. Jake saw her, went ballistic and ordered her off his property. When she didn't move, he zapped her with the cattle prod."

  "He what?"

  "She didn't even move when he zapped her, but I had a hell of a time keeping the two of them apart until I could get Jesse corralled in the truck. She totally ignored me when I ordered her to get to the truck! I'm gonna kill her!"

  "Wait a minute, Morgan. He used a cattle prod on her? And she didn't jump or move or anything?"

  Morgan processed that a minute. "Well, no. She just stood there and kind of smiled…kind of. Then I thought she'd tear him limb from limb, she looked that pissed off."

  Ryland paused. “I'm not sure Jesse was dealing with a full deck of cards right at the moment you told her to get to the truck, Morg. I'd bet a lot of money they used a cattle prod on her down in that room, wouldn't you? Actually, I'm relieved she didn't tear you limb from limb when you kept her away from him. She really didn't do too bad, considering."

  Morgan slowed and downshifted again as she came up to the turn onto Johnson's land. She turned onto the dirt road, all the while considering what Ryland had said. “I see what you mean. All right, I won't kill her. I'll just throw her out of the truck and run her over a few times."

  Ryland laughed. “Okay, Honey. I'll see you when you get home."

  Morgan sighed heavily. “I love you, Ry."

  "I love you too."

  "We'll get through this together if you can just keep me sane."

  "Yes we will, and yes I can."

  Morgan smiled a little as she pulled the truck as close to the pasture as possible. They'd have to walk a mile or so, but that was probably a good thing. She stepped to the back of the truck and opened the tailgate. She pointed to the gate and said, “Get your ass over here."

  Jesse considered her options, completely aware that Morgan had wanted to tear her head off at Tate's. She
slid to the end of the bed and hung her legs over the edge, keeping a little distance between her and Morgan.

  Morgan put her foot on the part of the bumper that extended past the side of the tailgate and rested her arms on her knee. They sat there while Morgan studied Jesse and Jessie studied her boots.

  Morgan said, “What was that all about? And don't give me any bullshit...I'm not in the mood."

  Jesse looked over at Morgan's boot and shrugged. “I went to his farm a few days before I came to work for you. I asked him about a job, and he laughed. I started to leave, and he said he'd pay me to service his cowboys." She angrily brushed some dirt off her pants. "I made a few choice comments about the size of his dick."

  She shrugged again. “I might have mentioned that with a dick that small he's probably been in some pretty tight spots with his cowboys and he probably gave them all the service they needed."

  Morgan dropped her chin to her chest and rubbed her face with her hands. She shook her head, then looked up at Jesse again.

  "He came after me and we got into a fight." Jesse shifted her gaze up to Morgan's knee. "Well, he's not that big, and I got him in a fireman's carry and threw him into a water trough." She finally met Morgan's eyes. “I guess I kinda’ held his head under the water for a while until he'd almost stopped struggling. Then I left—well, I pulled his head out of the water first—then I left."

  Morgan stood there, clearly nonplussed. "And you're telling me that after all that, he didn't report you to the sheriff?"

  Jesse squinted at her. “And tell him what? That a 135 pound woman beat him up and held him under the water?"

  Morgan stood up and ran her fingers through her hair. “Jesus H. Christ." She reached into the bed and got the come-along. "Grab that other shit and let's go."

  Jesse picked up the bag of supplies and followed about ten paces behind Morgan. They walked for a while in silence before Morgan stopped and abruptly turned.

  Jesse stopped and backed up a step.

  Morgan walked back and Jesse backed up some more. "Stay."

  Jesse stopped and crossed her arms. She studied the ground as Morgan came back to her. "You got out of the truck on purpose, didn't you? You meant to antagonize him."

  Jesse continued to stare at the ground.

  "Didn't you?"

  Jesse raised her eyebrows and met Morgan's eyes. "Well, you think maybe I could take the fifth on that one?"

  Morgan nodded, sighed and started walking again. “That's a very good idea."

  Jesse caught up to her and Morgan put her arm around her shoulders as they walked. “You little shit."

  Chapter Thirteen

  The following day, they were sitting in the living room getting ready to start another session. Jesse was standing by the window, staring out, her hands in her pockets, wishing she could be anywhere but in this room.

  Ryland said for the third time, “Jesse, come over here and sit down." Morgan started to get up to make her come to the sofa, but Ryland held up her hand to stop her. She put an index finger to her lips and shook her head.

  Morgan was getting irritated, so she got up and went out to the kitchen to get something to drink. She pushed through the swinging door, and as she was reaching into the refrigerator for the orange juice she heard the front door open and close. Still holding the juice in one hand and a glass in the other, she pushed the kitchen door open to see who'd come in. Ryland was the only one left in the room. Morgan looked from her to the front door. “What happened?"

  Ryland shrugged, then walked to the front door and locked it.

  “Jesse left."

  "And you're okay with that?"

  "No, I'm not okay with it, but I understand it." She looked at her watch, then raised her eyebrows. “We seem to have some unexpected, unscheduled time on our hands. I don't think Jesse will be back on her own today." She returned to the armchair and patted a small portion of the cushion next to her. Morgan set the glass and the juice container on the coffee table and wedged herself in.

  Ryland edged around so she was sitting sideways on Morgan's lap, her back on one armrest, her legs hanging over the other. Morgan put her arm around Ryland's shoulder and Ryland rested her head on Morgan's chest, playfully feathering Morgan's breasts with her thumb. "This is better than therapy any day."

  Morgan knew a hint when she heard one. She lifted Ryland's face and met her lips with her own. She brushed her tongue over Ryland's mouth, savoring the faint taste of cherry blush as her fingers lightly stroked Ryland's breast and she felt the nipple respond. Ryland groaned softly, and Morgan's own body ached with pleasure. As Ryland relaxed into Morgan's arms, she whispered, “Much better than therapy...."

  They rested in the chair a while, enjoying each other's bodies and talking quietly until Ryland stood and pulled Morgan to her feet. "Maybe we should let Jesse leave more often." Her lips found Morgan's one more time; then she stepped away. "Let's get you that drink so you can go back to work and I can finish reading my book." She led Morgan into the kitchen where she poured two glasses of orange juice. She set them at the counter and they pulled out two stools and sat.

  Morgan caught Ryland's eyes over the lip of her glass. “I love making love to you."

  Ryland caressed Morgan's face. "I have to admit, I've had a lot of patients miss appointments, but I've never enjoyed myself quite this much because of it."

  Talking about appointments made Morgan think about the afternoon schedule and she reluctantly changed the subject. “So, what do we do about Jesse?"

  Ryland swiveled her seat so she was facing Morgan, who did the same so that her legs were on either side of Ryland's. Ryland said, “You know, she honestly doesn't remember what happened to her. Think about the few things we've been able to bring out so far.

  Any one of those would be enough to destroy some people. She lived through those and, I think, a lot more. It may look to you like she's getting better, but I see her falling apart, and she's terrified."

  Morgan played with her glass, swirling the juice around until a whirlpool formed. “I did think maybe she was getting better. She doesn’t seem as angry anymore, and she's remembering things."

  "Yes, but it's precisely the lack of anger that concerns me. Her anger's kept her alive this last year. Is she getting better or just giving up?"

  Morgan set the glass down. “I forgot to ask you something yesterday. Why did you say her experiences wouldn't diminish her in our eyes? Why would you even need to say that? I'd never look down on her for what those assholes did."

  Ryland reached over and picked up Morgan's hand, rubbing her thumb over the wedding band she'd given her ten years earlier.

  “I know it's not one of your strengths, but I'd like you to try to recognize the range of emotions Jesse experiences when we're working with her. You see a lot, but you miss a lot too. She's ashamed Morg. We saw her with blood and brains and gore all over her face, and she's ashamed. What else does she have to let us see? And, in her mind at least, how much more can we take before we turn away from her in disgust? I was letting her know that no matter what happened to her, she won't be diminished, that we won't be disgusted and we won't turn away."

  Morgan listened, but she really didn't understand. What she did understand was that she had work she needed to get to. "So, since she's gone, should I just go back to work and forget about today?"

  Ryland ran her thumb over Morgan's chin. “Oh, I don't think I'd forget about the whole day." The love she saw in Morgan's eyes overwhelmed her. No one deserved to be as happy as she was when they were together. The two of them walked out to the living room together. The book she'd been reading had fallen to the floor, and she bent down and picked it up before putting on her reading glasses. “Anyway, at this point, memories won't stop coming just because she tells them to. She'll be back, and when she is, we'll be here."

  “All right, then. I’m headed back down to the kennels. See you at dinner time.” Morgan grabbed a light jacket out of the hall closet and walked do
wn to the barn, expecting Jesse to be working on the bridles she'd told her to mend. When she didn't find her, she checked around the kennels and then around the entire perimeter of the buildings. Rico was changing the oil in one of the tractors, a 1953 Ford Jubilee she'd learned to drive when she was twelve years old and helping her father on their farm. She walked over and asked whether he'd seen Jesse anywhere.

  "Si, Señora...there." He pointed toward the forest that edged the eastern part of her farmland.

  The forest was large enough that she’d need a horse if she had any hope of finding Jesse before nightfall. She went into the barn and saddled Kanab. He needed some extra exercise, so she decided to use the time to take him through his paces. They rode out past the tractors and turned East, tacking back and forth through the forest for over an hour, checking all the places she thought Jesse might be. The leaves on the trees were still wet, and as she rode through them, tiny drops came off and slid down her jacket, eventually soaking into the legs of her jeans. The smells and sounds of the forest lulled her into a peaceful frame of mind until she began to reflect on what they'd talked about this afternoon.

  She enjoyed watching Ryland in her element, but some of the time she had no idea what her friend was talking about. She'd mentioned shame, terror, anger, and disgust. All Morgan had been aware of was the anger. Now, thinking back, she recognized the shame, and understood the terror, but the disgust bothered her.

  Does Jesse honestly believe I could be disgusted enough to walk away? How many times do I have to tell her I’m not going anywhere? She also wondered whether Jesse would really just give up because of what she'd been through. The idea of suicide was so totally out of Morgan's realm of thinking that she hadn't really given the idea a second thought.

  Turning south, she eventually rode out into a clearing where she used to come when she needed to be alone. Jesse stood at the edge of a cliff, overlooking a two hundred foot drop to a creek bed below. The forest ended about a hundred yards from the cliff, and a field of Kentucky Bluegrass blanketed the gentle incline to where Jesse stood. Morgan reined Kanab to a halt and watched her, wondering exactly what was going though her mind as she looked out over the valley. Jesse hadn't brought a jacket, and she was standing absolutely still, her arms crossed in front of her chest, her legs slightly apart. Morgan dismounted and tied Kanab to a tree.