She walked through the knee-high grass until she was close enough for her voice to carry up to where Jesse was standing. “Mind if I join you?"
Jesse didn't say anything, so Morgan climbed up and stood next to her. As she shoved her hands into her back pockets, she breathed deeply. “It's beautiful, isn't it? I used to come here a lot.
I'd sit here and solve all the problems in my pathetic little world."
Jesse turned her head slightly and said softly, “Morgan, are you ever afraid?"
Morgan nodded. “Sometimes."
They stood quietly until Jesse pulled her arms in tighter to her body. “I'm more afraid than I've ever been in my life. What if I can't do this? What if—" She stopped and turned away. "What would happen to you and Ryland if I weren't here? If…if I left...would you be okay?"
Morgan watched the creek wind its way through the valley.
She realized Jesse wasn't simply asking whether they could run the farm without her, and she framed her answer carefully. “Jesse, you and I are a lot alike: stubborn, impetuous, strong-willed, strong. I want to ask you something before I answer your question. Today, Ryland told me you might think that if what happened to you was too horrible, we'd be too disgusted to be around you or to want you around us. Is that true?"
Jesse's face turned a bright red, and she covered her eyes with a trembling hand.
Morgan put her hands on Jesse's shoulders and turned her around so they were facing each other. She reached up and gently pulled Jesse's hand down. "I have another question. If someone had raped Ryland, really brutalized her, and she worked up the courage to tell you about it, to completely describe the details because she needed to talk about it to someone, would you be too disgusted to ever want to spend time with her again?"
Jesse wiped some tears away from her cheeks with the back of her hand. "Of course not."
Morgan put her hand on Jesse's chin and made her meet her eyes. “Are you so much better than Ryland and me that you really think we'd be disgusted with you because of what happened?"
Jesse slowly leaned into Morgan, who wrapped her arms around her and held her against her chest. Jesse stared out over the valley, thinking about the memories that had surfaced in the last few weeks. “It's a long way down, isn't it?"
Morgan didn't know what to say, so she kept quiet.
Jesse hadn't expected an answer, and when she'd gathered her thoughts, she said, “I guess we've climbed a little way up, and for some reason, we're roped together. If we just keep climbing maybe we’ll reach the top." She pushed back from Morgan and held her eyes for a moment. “Morgan, do you think it's possible, or am I just too fucked up to make it?"
Morgan looked at the dark circles surrounding Jesse's eyes and put her hands on the younger woman's shoulders. “I think the only way we can make it is if we trust Ryland to show us where to go.
She's good, Jesse, and if we have any chance of making it, it'll be because of her."
The breeze picked up, and Jesse shivered from the cold autumn air. Morgan had on thermals and a wool shirt, so she took off her jacket and held it out. Jesse started to refuse but Morgan stepped behind her and held it open for her to put her arms through. "Put it on and don't argue with me. All I need is for my stable hand to get sick and leave me with all the feeding."
Jesse reluctantly shrugged into the jacket as they walked through the field to where Kanab was tethered. They gathered his reins and walked quietly through the forest with the soft sounds of nature surrounding them. Jesse walked carefully so she wouldn't startle the wildlife into an unnatural silence.
There was a lot going on in Morgan's mind as the two of them walked back to the farm. She marveled at how much this irritating, rude, exasperating young woman had managed to change her—
deep down change her—in the last six weeks.
They reached the barn and Morgan started inside. Jesse took Kanab's reins and pushed her back. "If you go back to the house, I'll take care of Kanab and meet you guys there when I'm done."
Morgan pursed her lips and regarded Jesse a minute. "No, I think we'll both take care of Kanab, then head to the house together."
Jesse didn't move. “Why do you always have to argue with everything I say?"
Morgan smiled. “Because I'm the boss, and I get to."
Jesse smiled a little too. “Oh yeah, I forgot about that." She led Kanab into the barn and they dried him off, brushed him, put a blanket on him, and buckled it into place.
When they'd finished, they walked into the house and found Ryland in the kitchen, sticking cloves in a ham she was about to put in the oven. She pointed to some potatoes as though she'd fully expected the two women to walk in. “Jesse, wash and chop those potatoes for me, will you? Morgan, I need two onions cut into slices."
The women looked at each other, then rolled up their sleeves.
Jesse scrubbed the potatoes with a brush shaped like an ear of corn and chopped them into quarters. Morgan sliced the onions and set them on the counter next to the ham.
Ryland pointed to the sink. “Jesse, would you mind cleaning those pans and dishes while Morgan sets a fire in the fireplace?"
Jesse pointed at Morgan. “Why can't she do the dishes?"
Morgan stopped on her way out the door. “Because I'm getting the firewood—now get out the damn dish soap and stop whining."
Jesse mumbled something under her breath as she bent down to look under the sink for the soap. Morgan glanced at Ryland, who was listening to the two of them with affectionate amusement.
The side of Morgan's mouth quirked up a fraction before she went outside to grab some wood.
Once the ham was in, the kitchen clean and the fire started, Ryland poured three glasses of Manzanilla Sherry and set a bowl of almonds out on the coffee table. "Okay, shall we begin?"
The change in routine put Jesse off balance. She'd gotten used to coming in and immediately going to the couch, and she liked knowing what was about to happen. This new twist, wine and almonds, made her wary as she moved to the couch and sat.
Ryland picked up a glass and handed it to her. "This is a wonderful sherry. Morgan and I bought a few bottles the last time we were in Sanlucar, a little community of Andalucia in southern Spain."
Jesse carefully accepted the glass at the same time she turned her head and met Morgan's eyes. Her eyebrows rose in a question mark, and Morgan answered with a shrug as she accepted a glass from Ryland.
Ryland picked up a glass and held it out in a toast. “To us."
The other two gently met her glass with their own and everyone sat back and sipped the sherry. Ryland grabbed a few almonds and popped them into her mouth. She motioned for Jesse to take some as well. “You'd better have some or I'm pretty sure you'll be under the table rather quickly. My guess is you didn't eat lunch—am I right?"
Jesse leaned forward to grab a handful of almonds. She kept her head down as she was reaching for them and looked up at Ryland with suspicion in her eyes. “Should I be worried about anything? ‘Cause you're making me really nervous."
Ryland took a sip, smiling at her over the rim of her glass.
"Enjoy your sherry, Jess, because I've decided we're not pussy footing around anymore. Life is going to get a hell of a lot harder from here on out."
Jesse threw the handful of almonds into her mouth, then knocked back her sherry, wondering what Ryland thought was harder than what she'd already been through.
The butterflies that had all but disappeared for Morgan in the last few weeks suddenly reappeared. She grabbed a few almonds herself, so nervous she felt like she was the one in counseling instead of Jesse. She crossed one leg over her knee and her arms over her chest, unconsciously curling up into a tight ball.
Ryland snuck a quick glance at her. She chuckled at Morgan's reaction as she took another sip of sherry and set the glass on the coffee table. "So, Jesse, let's get started. I want you to describe the room you were in: the furniture, the walls, decorations, everything."
Jesse leaned forward to grab the bottle of sherry but Ryland snatched it off the table. “Whoa there." She got up and took the bottle into the kitchen and brought out some bread and olive oil.
"Here, you can tear into this if you want. Now tell me about the room. First of all, do know where you were?"
Jesse decided against the bread. She didn't want to heave it up before the afternoon was through. "I don't know." Her shoulders lifted in apology. “And I'm not saying that ‘cause I don't want to tell you. All I remember is the room, and the hallway, and the stairs leading up."
"I believe you, don't worry. So let's start with the room, shall we?"
Jesse's eyes shifted up and right while she tried to remember.
“The walls were dirt...like they'd carved it out of dirt."
Jesse's head slowly turned farther to the right as she studied the walls of the room. "There's nothing on the walls...no furniture...mostly just dirt and—" She stopped and shook her head.
"And?"
"And brains and blood. And a body." She rubbed her arms as a chill spread through her body. Her gaze dropped down and to the right as she stared intently at something.
"What are you seeing?"
No answer.
"Where are you in the room?"
"I'm up against the back wall."
"Where's the body?"
Her eyes shifted down and to the right again.
"Tell me about the body."
Jesse shook her head, then closed her eyes and turned completely to her left so her shoulder was up against the couch and her legs were pulled up slightly onto the cushion.
"Turn around and face me— now." Ryland bit off the words, leaving no doubt who was in control.
Surprised, Jesse turned to face her, but still refused to meet her eyes.
"Now, look at the body and tell me what you see."
If Ryland hadn't been watching for it, she wouldn't have seen Jesse's head turn imperceptibly to the right. She sat up when Jesse leaned forward, a green tint rising in her face. The bread and oil were still on the table and Ryland picked them up and handed them to Morgan. "Take these into the kitchen, would you please, Morgan?"
Morgan took the food into the kitchen. When she returned, Ryland was headed toward the back door. "Let's go sit outside for a while, shall we?"
Jesse didn't move, and Morgan walked over and pulled her up off the sofa. Jesse tried to pull away. “I don't want to. I think I'm gonna be sick."
Morgan nodded. “I think that's why we're headed outside."
"I won't be sick if we don't go out with her."
Morgan hauled her around the low table, pushing her gently toward the back door. "I'll try not to be sick either, but no guarantees, okay?"
Jesse nodded and followed Ryland out the door. "No guarantees."
Morgan downed a glassful of sherry and went out after them.
Ryland sat in the grass waiting. Jesse sat down a little ways from her with her legs crossed and Morgan finished the circle.
Several times in the last few weeks, Ryland had let Jesse dictate the tone of the sessions, but today she wanted to push. She let a caustic edge slip into her voice. “Okay, Jess, you can throw up to your heart's content out here. We’re not playing games anymore.
Now tell me what you saw."
Jesse glared at her, anger and irritation returning to her face.
She wasn't sure she liked this new side of Ryland. "Fuck you!"
Ryland leaned forward. “Not now, and not ever. Now cut the crap and tell me what you saw."
Morgan's eyes nearly shot out of her head. She quickly composed herself so Jesse wouldn't see her reaction, but she'd never seen this side of Ryland.
Jesse growled, “Fine, you want to know what I saw? I saw rats! Lots of fucking rats, eating his fucking brains out, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?"
Morgan leaned back on her hands, swiveling her head between the two women, waiting for the next volley.
"It's a start. Okay, so there are rats. Did they ever come after you?”
"I don't—" Jesse's head involuntarily jerked left and her eyebrows plunged. She stood up and Ryland saw the pulse quickening in her neck.
Ryland stood up, and Morgan followed. Ryland said, “I'll allow you to stand if you don’t leave. You start to leave and Morgan is going to stop you, one way or the other. Do you understand?"
Jesse blinked, surprised to see Ryland standing there. "What?"
"I said I will allow you to stand if you don't leave. If you start to leave, Morgan will stop you one way or the other. Do you understand?"
Jesse slowly sank back down, followed by Ryland and Morgan.
Ryland said, “I'm too damn old to be jumping up and down with you, so make up your mind and stick with it."
Jesse stared at Ryland, not sure what to do or say.
"So answer me—did the rats ever come after you?"
Jesse continued to stare at Ryland. "What do you see, Ryland?
What do you see that I don’t?"
"I see a brutal sadist who wants to inflict the most physical and emotional pain he can before he kills the woman who shot his brother. Now, I answered your question, you answer mine because I'm getting tired of asking it. Did the rats ever come after you?"
Jesse rubbed her leg, trying to remember. "I'm not sure. I see quick pictures in my mind, me in the room with the rats. Then nothing."
"Why are you rubbing your calf?"
Jesse looked down at her hand, then back at Ryland. "I don't know." She pulled up the cuff of her jeans and looked at the back of her leg where pitted scars disfigured the skin. That wasn't her leg. She'd never seen the scars before. The dirt room blurred around her as blood drained from her head and she fell forward onto the grass, unconscious.
Morgan slid over and pushed her onto her back. She watched as Ryland reached into her pocket and pulled out a capsule of smelling salts.
"Here, I thought we'd be needing these pretty soon. Break it and wave it under her nose." Ryland continued to hold it out until Morgan reached over and took it from her, disquiet in her eyes as she studied her friend.
Ryland took a second to reassure her. “Morgan, I told you it was going to get harder. That means I get harder too. I love you, and you're seeing a side of me I'd rather you'd never have to see."
She sighed. “A big part of being a psychologist is being able to morph into whatever the patient needs. That's what separates mediocre therapy from the exceptional."
Morgan relaxed a little and nodded. “I love you too, Ry, and nothing—" She looked at Jesse. “Absolutely nothing will ever change that." She broke the capsule and held it under Jesse's nose.
It took a few seconds before the capsule took effect. Jesse coughed, grabbed Morgan's wrist and pushed it away from her face before rolling onto her stomach with her head facing away from the other two. She made her mind an absolute blank, not wanting to remember anymore about the rats or the room or the scars that had suddenly appeared on the back of her leg.
Ryland waited, letting Jesse lie quietly a while before she moved over next to her leg. She pulled up the cuff of the pants and rubbed the area with her thumb, trying to picture what had happened so she could help Jesse remember. The picture gradually came into focus. She said, “Where are your hands, Jesse?"
Nothing.
"He did it again, didn't he? Are you in the door?"
A shake of the head.
"So where are your hands?"
"Just leave me alone, Ryland."
"Jesse, we're done when I tell you we're done. I asked you a question—where are your hands?"
Silence.
Ryland had no intention of letting Jesse dictate this session.
"Okay, Morgan, you can go on back down to the kennels. I'm not going to waste your time waiting around for her. She and I will sit here all night if we have to, and we'll get through the rest of this session without you."
When Morgan got up and started walking toward the path, Jes
se raised up onto her elbows. "Hey, you can't just leave!" She kept walking, and Jesse turned to Ryland. "She can't just leave!"
When Ryland didn't say anything, Jesse stood up. She needed Morgan in case something happened. "Fine! Okay! You win!"
The edge crept back into Ryland's voice. "Sit down. Now."
Jesse watched Morgan as she walked around a corner of the path and disappeared. She turned back to Ryland and sat down with a worried look on her face. The two of them sat without saying a word. Five minutes passed, then ten. Still Ryland stared at Jesse, who kept looking back down the path. She just wanted Ryland to say something so they could get Morgan back in case something happened. “What do you want, Ryland? I said I'd do what you want!"
"It's not what I want. It's what's going to happen from here on out. You'll do what I say, when I say it. I told you, things are going to get a lot harder from here on out, and you will listen to me, period."
Jesse's face flushed as she stared at the ground. Ryland reached into her pocket and flipped open her phone. "Hi, it's me.
Do you have time to come back up?" Five more minutes passed before Morgan walked back up the path and sat down again.
Ryland pointed to the ground. “Jessie, lie down like you were."
She waited for Jesse to lie on her stomach again. "Now, we'll start again. Where are your hands?"
Jesse thought a second. "On the board."
"What board? There's nothing in the room."
Even though her head was on her hands, she involuntarily moved it slightly to the left. "He brought in a board...a 2x4."
"And he nailed your wrists down again. What about your legs?"
"Nothing."
"They were free? Then how could the rats get to them?"
Jesse shook her head. “I don't remember." Her heart sped up as she pictured the rats in the room.
Ryland watched as Jesse’s hands clenched into fists. "All right, were you on your stomach with your hands nailed to the 2x4?"
The Door at the Top of the Stairs Page 10
