The Door at the Top of the Stairs

by Alison Naomi Holt

  "Jesse?"

  She was sitting in the dirt, eyes focused on Morgan, who was kneeling in front of her, one hand resting on Jesse's knee. Why is Morgan in the room? "Is that light too bright for you?"

  Morgan glanced to where Jesse pointed. A few minutes ago, she'd watched Jesse sit down in the middle of the floor, staring vacantly. "What light?"

  "Doesn't that light hurt your eyes?"

  "Jesse, there's no light. Are you okay? Where are we right now?" Morgan became nervous when Jesse's expression went from inquiry to suspicion. It was definitely time to call the house. When Ryland answered, Morgan quietly said. “You need to get down here, now."

  Jesse shifted. “Who are you talking to? I don't want them down here."

  "I just asked Ryland to come down for a little bit." Morgan walked back over and knelt in front of her again.

  Jesse watched her warily, not sure whether she could trust Morgan here in the dirt room. "Why did you leave the door open?"

  "Jess, we're in the barn, and the door's closed."

  The light caught her eye again, and she focused on it. A silhouette appeared on the stairs, and Jesse stood up and backed away. Morgan stood up as well and let Jesse do whatever she needed to do.

  Ryland came the rest of the way through the door. She hadn't wanted to barge in quickly, not knowing exactly what the problem was. She shut the door behind her, blocking out the noonday light that was streaming through it into the barn. "It's me Jesse. It's Ryland and you're in the barn with Morgan and me." Ryland casually walked over and stood next to Morgan.

  Jesse watched Ryland come into the barn, then turned her head slightly and saw Morgan back in the dirt room. She rubbed her eyes with her fingers, trying to sort things out.

  "Tell me what's happening, Jess. I always fix it, don't I? Talk to me."

  Jesse closed her eyes one last time and covered them with her hand. If she didn't look, maybe she wouldn't be in either place.

  "Why are you covering your eyes?"

  "If I don't look, I'm not there."

  "Where?"

  "In both places."

  "What places?"

  "The room with Morgan, and the barn with you."

  Ryland quietly pulled Morgan back so Jesse couldn’t hear. “It would be best if you left, but I don't feel safe right now with you gone. Just go stand out of her sight, but close enough to help if I need you."

  Morgan walked to the stack of hay and stood behind it where she could see Jesse, but she didn't think Jesse could see her. She watched Ryland move toward Jesse again.

  "Not a problem, Jess. It's just you and me in the barn now.

  When I say the word we discussed before, I want you to open your eyes and we'll both be in the barn.”

  "All right."

  "Cody."

  Jesse carefully opened her eyes. She was standing in the barn.

  She reached down and picked up the broom and swept some dirt toward her pile. "I'm going crazy, aren't I? We can't fix me, can we?"

  "Just a minute, Hon."

  Jesse stopped and leaned on the broom, blinking her eyes to hold back the tears that had suddenly appeared.

  Ryland said, “Morgan, would you come over here please?"

  Morgan stepped from behind the hay and watched Jesse's reaction.

  "Where is Morgan right now, Jess?"

  "In the barn." Jesse sounded disgusted with herself. "Ryland, how fucked up am I, really?"

  Ryland laughed. “Fucked up enough that I want you staying at the house at night until we finish with your therapy." She smiled and put her hand on Jesse's shoulder. "You know, when you spontaneously started remembering non-threatening events while we were riding, I thought this might happen."

  "What, that I'd go completely insane?"

  "No. Don't you realize it means your healing is moving forward on its own now? You just had memories without pain, without fainting, without throwing up. We still have some painful sessions to go through, but you're going to be fine."

  Ryland's calm reassurance helped Jesse regain her composure.

  Jesse shrugged and pointed to Morgan. “She looks a little pale, though, don't you think?"

  Morgan shook her head. “You scared the bejeezus out of me.

  Don't do that." She draped her arms over Jesse's shoulders. “I am not in the dirt room, I have never been in the dirt room, and I will never go to the dirt room." She rubbed Jesse's head with her knuckles. “How do we get that into your little pea brain, you little shit?"

  Ryland watched them. “Well, I'm not always around when you two are together so we need to fix something. Morgan stand over here."

  Morgan walked over and stood next to Ryland.

  "All right, Jess, when I tell you, I want you to close your eyes and put yourself into the dirt room. When you hear Morgan say Cody, you'll come back into the present."

  Jesse closed her eyes.

  "Put yourself in the room." Ryland took Morgan's arm and moved her directly in Jesse's line of sight, then stepped to the side.

  "Now, open your eyes."

  Jesse blinked. It was dark in the room again, but she was able to make out Morgan standing in front of her.

  "Cody."

  The barn came back into focus. Jesse smiled at Morgan, who smiled back.

  Ryland walked out from behind Jesse. “Tada! You're cured."

  Jesse picked up the broom again. “I wish it was that easy."

  Ryland nodded. “Me too. For right now, I'd rather you'd do your remembering when I'm with you. If you start to remember, think of something else and come find me. And tonight, you're eating dinner with us and sleeping at the house."

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Cody’s father slammed his fist onto the dinner table. “You’re not in school, and you’re not looking for a new job! You’re laying around my house, doing nothing! You never did explain how the hell you managed to get yourself fired! I told you, you lose this job, you’re not laying around my house playing your damn video games all day!”

  Cody slumped down in his chair. “It wasn’t my fault, Dad.

  Morgan just decided to side with her baby dyke, that’s all. It was me or her. All dykes hate men, Dad. It’s just the way she is.”

  “I’ve known Morgan Davis for more than twenty five years, and I’m telling you, you won’t find anyone as honest or as fair as she is. She’s the only friend I have who was willing to take a chance on you and give you a job. And dyke is a filthy word—I won’t have you referring to her that way in my home. She’s a good woman and I don’t care who she chooses to live with.” Cody’s mother set a bowl of mashed potatoes on the table and stirred some butter in with a long-handled spoon. “It’s unnatural is what it is, Everett, and I’m glad Cody’s out of there. We should never have let her kind into the county. Her way’s evil. She belongs with the devil.” She angrily dumped a spoonful of potatoes onto her husband’s plate before pulling out her chair and heaving her three hundred fifty pounds onto the seat. “She hasn’t set foot in God’s house in at least fifteen years.”

  Everett scoffed at his wife’s comments as he stabbed a piece of ham with his fork. “She’s lived in this county longer than either of us, Lana. And can you blame her for not coming to church, the way you and your friends shun her and Ryland at every social event they’ve ever attended?”

  Lana carefully cut her ham into tiny pieces while she spoke.

  “That new hired hand has an evil look about her, too. She’s the reason Morgan fired Cody.” She looked at her son. “Tell him, Cody. Tell him about the sheriff’s accusation, all because of that

  —” She pursed her lips, causing her nostrils to flair and the color in her face to rise while she tried to come up with just the right epithet for Jesse. “That lesbian!” Cody turned to his father, a fork full of mashed potatoes halfway to his mouth. “You should see it, Dad. She’s up at the house every day at one o’clock havin’ sex with—“ Everett stood up so quickly his chair tumbled backwards onto the linol
eum. “Enough! ”

  Cody and Lana sat in shocked silence. Neither of them had ever seen this side of Everett.

  Everett towered over Cody, pointing one meaty finger at him.

  “Tomorrow, either you find a job or you’ll come home to find everything you own out on the lawn.” He threw his napkin onto his plate and stalked out of the room.

  Lana picked up a bowl of tossed salad and passed it to Cody.

  “No you won’t, Dear. I’m glad you’re away from there. I’ll talk to my friends and see if any of their husbands has a job you can do.

  You’re a bright boy, Cody. Anyone would be lucky to get you.” The two of them ate in silence for a short time, each wondering how to discuss exactly what was on their minds.

  Cody finally made a stab at it. “Why’s he siding with Morgan, Mom? I’m his son. What is she to him?”

  Fire sparked in Lana’s eyes as she answered. “I believe Satan tempts everyone, including your father. Who knows what form that temptation takes?” She secretly felt the rolls of fat on her legs as she pretended to smooth the wrinkles out of her skirt. She’d gained two hundred pounds since her wedding day, and her husband hadn’t touched her in more years than she cared to count.

  “You think Dad and Morgan….” Cody’s voice trailed off as he thought about what his mother had just said.

  Lana daintily brought a spoonful of mashed potatoes to her lips as she glanced up at her son. “Not necessarily Morgan.” She put the spoon in her mouth and pulled it out slowly as she held her son’s gaze.

  “Ryland? ” Cody had never even thought of that possibility.

  His stomach churned as he listened to his mother talk about what his father might have done with the women who’d made a fool of him.

  “She’s beautiful, feminine, and intelligent—everything your father admires in a woman. Don’t be naïve, Cody. Evil can be very tempting at times, and it can take many different guises.” Cody pushed away from the table. “I don’t know about Satan and all that other religious crap, but I do know one thing: they won’t get away with what they did to me.” He held his mother’s eyes. “Or with what they’re doing to you.” He stormed out through the kitchen door and down the steps to the back of the house.

  A smile played across Lana’s lips as she watched the door swing shut behind him.

  Cody thought back to all the times he’d seen his father with Morgan and Ryland, and his blood boiled. All those times he thought his father had come to the farm to see him work, bring him lunch or just stop in to say hi when he was driving by, he was really there to see them.

  He jumped into his old Chevy pick-up, slammed the door and shoved the key into the ignition. The starter clicked once, then stopped. He hit the steering wheel with the palm of his hand.

  “Fuck!” The starter had always been temperamental so he re-clutched, turned the steering wheel a quarter turn to the right and tried again. The engine jumped to life and the tires spun out as he threw the truck into gear and gunned the engine, heading toward town.

  He figured his friends would be in Harley’s, and when he pulled into the parking lot, he was relieved to see their cars parked in their usual places. When he walked into the bar, Kai and Jason were shooting pool. Kai saw him and lifted his chin in greeting.

  “What’s up, Cody?”

  “Fuck you, Asshole.” Cody ordered a longneck from Andy and took it back to the pool table.

  Jason grinned at Kai, who shrugged. Jason leaned over the table and sighted down his stick. “Six off the two, side pocket.” The cue ball nicked the six, sending it into the left side of the two ball, where it ricocheted off and rolled into the side pocket. Jason picked up the chalk and centered it on the end of his stick. “So, what’s eating you? You’re dad buggin’ you ‘bout gettin’ fired again?”

  Cody put the longneck to his lips and guzzled half the bottle.

  “Fuckin’ bitches won’t get away with it.” Jason lined up another shot and pointed to the corner pocket with his stick. “Two into the corner.” He leaned over the table to sight his angle. “My dad says you’re old man’s siding with Morgan. That sucks.” He stepped to his left to get a different line.

  Cody threw the bottle, grabbed a pool cue from the wall rack and swung it at Jason’s head. Jason blocked the blow with his stick, then rammed the end of his cue into Cody’s stomach. Cody doubled over, but brought his stick up hard between Jason’s legs.

  Jason dropped like a stone.

  Kai grabbed Cody by the hair and threw him up against the wall. “What the fuck, Cody? He didn’t do nothin’ to you!” Cody let out a strangled roar and swung his cue at Kai’s head.

  Kai, who was three inches taller and weighed a good thirty pounds more than Cody, ripped the pool stick out of his hands, lifted Cody off his feet and threw him onto the pool table. He’d just drawn back his fist to knock some sense into his friend when he caught sight of a small baggie sticking out of Cody’s pocket. “Well, well, well.... What do we have here? You holdin’ out on us, Code?” Cody tried to roll away, but Kai put his fingers around Cody’s throat and held him down. He reached down with his free hand and tugged at the corner of the baggie. “Let’s see what you got—weed or blow?” Cody tried to kick Kai between the legs, but Kai turned sideways, pushed down harder on his throat, and pressed his elbow hard against Cody’s chest. “Uh uh uh, that don’t work twice.” Jason gradually rolled to his knees, then reached up to the edge of the pool table and pulled himself to his feet. Kai grinned at him. “Shit Jason, your face is white as a chunk of fish flesh. You gonna live?”

  Jason motioned to the baggie in Cody’s pocket. “What’s he got?”

  Cody grabbed Kai’s lower arm and tried to hyper-extend the elbow with his other hand. “Let go of me, you fuckin’ asshole!” Jason tugged Cody’s hands off of Kai’s arm and held them down on the table while Kai pulled the baggie all the way out. The bag was half-full of a fine white powder. Kai rolled the outside of the bag with his fingers. “What’s this? Looks like some fine blow to me.”

  Jason let go of Cody’s arms, grabbed the bag and turned his back to the bar so he could hide the baggie from the rest of the drinking crowd. “Shit, Cody! Where’d you get this much coke?

  You get caught with this, your ass’ll be sittin’ in Blackburn State Prison until you’re an old man!”

  Kai let got of Cody and whistled. “No shit, Cody! I didn’t think of that. Where’d you get so much blow?” Cody sat up, snatching the baggie away from Jason and pushing it back down into his pocket. “It’s not coke, you idiots.” He glanced nervously around the room to make sure no one else had seen the bag. “I’m makin’ sure those bitches pay for what they did, and this shit’s helpin’ me do it.” He reached down, flipped two balls out of one of the pockets in the pool table and rolled them to the other end. “Rack ‘em up again. I’ll beat you two assholes first; then we’ll go have some real fun out at Morgan’s farm.” Kai shrugged as he grabbed the triangle off the wall and racked the balls. He carefully pushed them tight against the apex, then lifted the wood off the felt and returned it to the wall. The three men played five more games before finally hanging up their sticks. Cody finished the last of his fourth beer and set the bottle down on a nearby table. “Well boys, follow me and learn how the master works.”

  Kai crossed his arms while he studied Cody’s face. “What are you gonna do?”

  “I’m gonna finish somethin’ I already started out at Morgan’s place.” Cody turned and started for the door. When Kai didn’t follow, Cody glanced back over his shoulder. “You comin’ or not?”

  Kai walked over to Cody so the rest of the people in the bar wouldn’t hear him. “What are you doin’ at Morgan’s place? Why don’t you just leave ‘em alone and forget about it? You’re just pissed ‘cause they figured out you planted those cig’s. Just leave

  ‘em alone, Cody.”

  Cody stepped closer to Kai and poked him in the chest with his finger. “Why’re you standin’ up for tho
se dykes? Whose side’re you on, anyway?”

  Kai felt his face go red. He looked at Jason, then back to Cody. “We’ve been friends since grade school, Cody. You know I’m on your side. It’s just that…well....” He crossed his arms while he thought about how he could explain himself without his two friends thinking he was some kind of coward. “Look, you know I used to ride in Morgan’s hunt club. My family never had as much money as everybody else, and I never really fit in. Morgan was always good to me, even when I screwed up. She never embarrassed me or nothin’ in front of the fuckin’ rich kids. She never treated my family any different than anybody else’s.” He shook his head. “I don’t know. I just don’t want to be part of anything against her, that’s all.”

  Cody’s lips curled back in a sneer. “You’re just like my old man. You fuckin’ her too?”

  Kai’s eyebrows shot up. “What’re you talkin’ about?” He grabbed Cody’s elbow and propelled him out the door and onto the sidewalk. He lowered his voice and hissed into Cody’s face. “Are you crazy? Morgan’s not fuckin’ your old man!” He stopped talking as two women walked past them on the sidewalk.

  Jason, who’d followed his two friends outside, stepped out of the women’s way and smiled. “Evenin’ Ms. Rupel, Ms. Hanson.” The two women nodded at the young men and continued on their way. Cody jerked his arm out of Kai’s grasp and shoved him in the chest. “Oh yeah? What if I told you he’s fuckin’ both Morgan and Ryland. What would you think of your fuckin’ fox huntin’ master then, huh?”

  Kai reached up to run both hands through his thick shock of brown hair. “Cody, you have gone completely around the bend.” He shook his head before walking around the side of the bar on his way to the back parking lot. “I’m outta here.” Cody turned to face Jason, who had a huge grin plastered across his face. Cody brought both hands up and pushed Jason hard in the chest. “What’s so fuckin’ funny to you, Asshole?”