Beyond The Limit

by Lindsay McKenna

  “Well, you know my track record with relationships. I can’t define love. I don’t know what it is, obviously. I thought I was in love with women before…”

  “Pete, we all go through relationships to find and define ourselves. We’ve all done, more or less, what you have. I know you’ve had a lot of disappointment with women.”

  “Disasters.” His jaw tightened as he glanced apprehensively in Cali’s direction. Right now, she was having a good time, and he could see how relaxed her features were. At any given moment, Pete could tell instinctively what Cali was feeling. “Is needing a person right?” he asked finally.

  “Oh, honey, need can be positive or it can be an unhealthy thing. In what context are you asking this?” Laura tilted her head, studying him closely.

  “I don’t really know,” he hedged.

  “Okay,” she said. “Did you need the women you had relationships with?”

  Pete studied the grain of wood on the table before him, his brows drawing together. “That’s a fair question. I wanted them, but need? No, I never needed them.” Not like he needed Cali. Sighing, he said, “There’s a difference, isn’t there, Mom?”

  “I feel you floundering around, Pete. You’re wrestling with something. Want and need are different. If you love someone, you need them. I feel it’s a natural combination.”

  “So, need is love?” He searched his mom’s dancing blue eyes.

  “Sometimes. Not always. An unhealthy need would be two people who lean on one another, acting as crutches to the other. That isn’t healthy. That’s clinging because you’re afraid of individual growth or life.”

  “Clinging is something I can recognize,” he admitted ruefully.

  “In my generation, a woman was taught she needed a man for security and money. Thank goodness it’s not like that now,” Laura said. “Women today can go out and be power earners like any male can. The need for a man as a security blanket has pretty much disappeared. That would definitely be an unhealthy way of needing someone.”

  “Women married for security, then? And not for love?”

  “In my day, women mixed these two up into one. I don’t think many woman ‘fell in love’ just for security. I have friends my age who did marry for security and monetary reasons. Most of them never separated this stuff out. It was all stirred into the same pot—you married for love, which gave you security and money.”

  “That doesn’t seem logical.”

  Laughing softly, Laura said, “It’s not. Not really. But society didn’t encourage women in my time to work outside the home. So what were they to do? How would women of my day see things? It’s very different now, Pete. Women of Annie and Cali’s generation aren’t hamstrung by those confinements and expectations like past generations of women were. It was a general brainwashing, if you ask me. Today, in other parts of the world, women are still held down like that.”

  He gave her a long look. “Did you marry Dad for security? For need?”

  Chuckling, Laura shook her head. “Honey, I was a wage earner in my own right before I met him. I had a good life as a writer. So, no, I did not marry your dad for security or monetary reasons. I fell in love with him as a person.”

  “And you needed him?”

  “After I fell in love with him, he became my best friend, Pete. You need your best friend, someone to talk to, be held by, listen to when you’re confused or undecided. And your dad needs me, too, for the same reasons.”

  Pete shook his head. “Mom, I never needed anyone in my relationships.” Not until now. Not until he’d blurted out the words to Cali after she fell into his arms had Pete realized it.

  “Then why are you asking me about this?”

  “I was just wondering, Mom.”

  He saw her intent look, and then she trained her gaze on Cali. Nodding, Laura returned her attention to him. “Maybe for the first time in your life you’ve met someone you need, Son?”

  “I—maybe, Mom. I’m not really sure yet.” That was a lie, and Pete hated lying to his mother. “Life is really complicated for me right now. I’m just trying to figure out some things.”

  Laura patted his broad shoulder. “In a healthy relationship, Pete, need is a part of loving a person. You like to need them and vice versa. It’s natural. And if you find yourself needing someone now, I think that’s good. You’re maturing as a person and maybe you’re seeing women and relationships on another, more evolved level.”

  “Maybe,” Pete said, fighting back the desire to confess all to his mother. She was so easy to talk to, but he had to keep his need for Cali secret until he could figure out his feelings. As an engineer, he was trained to come up with answers to complicated problems. All his life he’d done so. As he sat there, he let his mind roam. Would Cali ever need him? Pete didn’t know, but hoped she would. It was a terrible dilemma for him. He felt like those trout trapped in the creel: living but not free.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  CALI JERKED AWAKE, a scream tearing from her lips. Sitting up, she quickly pressed her hands against her mouth to stop the awful sounds. She gasped for breath and anxiously looked around. Where am I? Everything looked strange to her. Unable to shake the recurring nightmare of the kidnapping, she jerkily climbed out of bed. Shafts of moonlight filtered through the open window and lace curtains. It was chilly in her room, but the fresh pine-scented air momentarily stabilized her.

  Still breathless, Cali oriented herself to the here and now. I’m with Pete. His parents’ home. Montana. Oh God, I’m scared. So scared…She grabbed her pink silk robe and she shakily pulled it over her nightgown. As she tied the sash with trembling fingers, Cali felt an icy sensation in her bones. Her body was hot and sweaty, her heart thundering in her chest. Had she awakened anyone in the Trayhern home? Heavens, she hoped not. Wiping her damp brow, Cali felt the need to escape the bedroom. Coming to the Trayherns’ hadn’t stopped the nightmares. And every morning she felt more eroded, less in control and more frantic to stop them from invading her sleep.

  Cali stepped out into the hallway. The guest room was located at one end of the two-story home. Luckily, there were no bedrooms right next to it. Breathing raggedly, she padded down the hallway, the cedar wood cool and smooth beneath her bare feet.

  She had a driving urge to go to Pete’s room, located at the other end of the long, curving corridor. Cali’s head spun. Her heart somersaulted violently in her breast. Pete. She Needed Pete! Dazed, she collapsed against the wall, her hands pressed to her cheeks. This nightmare had dissolved the last of her fight to deny her feelings toward Pete. Flashbacks of him smiling warmly at her in the trout stream flooded into Cali like warming, life-giving blood. The heated, vital impression soothed her jangled nerves.

  For a year she had denied her attraction to Pete. Her need of Pete. Shaken to her core, Cali felt scalding tears running down her face. Should she go to Pete’s room? Wake him up? Ask for help? How many nights had she lain awake wanting to do just that? Every night. Pulverized by the violence of the flashbacks, Cali no longer had the strength to resist him.

  The realization was like a brutal earthquake through all her carefully programmed systems and responses. Cali pressed her back against the cool wood, wanting a respite from her crazed inner world. What would Pete think if she knocked quietly on his door? He’d said he needed her. For so long, she had tried to forget that remark, or convince herself that she’d dreamed it. But in that moment when he’d confessed how he felt, Pete had become her protector. Her sanctuary.

  Sobbing, Cali repeatedly wiped her cheeks, but the tears kept pouring out of her eyes as if a dam had burst. Hadn’t it? The warmth of the June day at the trout creek had nearly been her undoing. Had she imagined desire toward her lingering in Pete’s eyes?

  Unsure of anything, Cali lifted her head, her vision blurred. Pete. She wanted him so badly she felt paralyzed by it. Her feet wanted to go straight to his room. If she did that, she’d risk everything: her job, her father’s good name, her honor or what was lef
t of it. Pete could spurn her. And then what?

  Her mind reeled with possibilities, all bad ones. She needed to go somewhere private and think. For now, Cali couldn’t bear to go back to her room and face going back to sleep. Looking down the hall in the other direction, she thought of a place where she could go and no one would hear her: the gym.

  There was a Jacuzzi just inside the entrance. Putting one unsteady foot in front of the other, Cali made her way toward the cedar door. Maybe just sitting next to some water would help ease her torn state. Oh, when would these nightmares cease? When would she get a good night’s sleep?

  Pushing open the door, Cali halted, surprise widening her eyes. With his back to her, Pete stood by the floor-to-ceiling windows, looking out at the night. He turned and his own eyes flared in astonishment.

  “Cali?”

  “Oh, Pete…” she hesitated. “I didn’t know you’d be here.”

  Gazing at her deeply shadowed face, Pete realized something was terribly wrong. “I couldn’t sleep. I came out here to think.” He walked over to her. “You don’t look good, Cali. What’s wrong? Another nightmare?” He saw such terror in her eyes and in the contortion of her wet lips. Cali had been crying. It tore him up inside. Something old and painful wrenched within him. And then, amazingly, it dissolved and left him clearheaded. Without thinking, Pete opened his arms to her.

  “Cali, let me hold you,” he rasped thickly.

  Hearing his whispered words, seeing his eyes burning with unaccustomed intensity, Cali wavered, too shocked to move.

  “Am I dreaming?” She searched his darkened face.

  “No way are you dreaming, Cali. I’m here. I’m real. Please, let me help you.” Too shaken by her wild appearance, Pete felt all his defensive walls crumbling. He’d never seen Cali so vulnerable as right now. Her pale face glistened with tears. Her luscious mouth tensed with an agony only she knew and carried within her. Hair mussed, she looked more a waif than a confident construction supervisor. He understood what trauma did to people and how it could shatter their world. His heart would no longer allow him to step away from Cali. The words he’d longed to whisper to her once again slipped between his lips. “I need you, Cali. Come here….”

  It was as if her entire world altered, split and cracked open. She felt momentarily faint, sensed that her life would forever change from this moment onward. Never had Cali experienced such reactions. Pete’s whispered words had moved her heart, her world, her spirit. Hope funneled through that crack in her inner being. It filled her, fused her back together again like a flash of lightning.

  Without another word, Cali stepped into his beckoning arms. Pete needed her. She needed him. “Hold me,” she quavered and wrapped her arms around his lean waist. Driven by fear and yearning, she fell into his arms. Cali didn’t care what Pete thought of her actions. He needed her. Those words sang through her like a trumpet, making her glory in life, in ecstatic possibilities she’d never ever entertained before this moment of epiphany.

  As she rested her head against his chest, Pete felt as if this single act were the most delicious, most important of his life. Feeling his body respond to this unexpected intimacy, Pete ran his fingers gently through her hair. The strands were tangled and damp. When he eased his fingers across her shoulders, he could feel her trembling. “Cali, you’re shaking like a leaf.”

  She squeezed her eyes shut and tears trailed down her cheeks. “Oh, Pete, I had this horrible nightmare again…the kidnapping…Ahmed cocking his gun and holding it in my face. I knew I was going to die! I just knew it.” Cali bit down hard on her lower lip to halt a sob punching up through her chest and into her aching throat. Wanting to scream, she buried her face against Pete’s chest instead. His arms were strong, caring and warm.

  Grieving over Cali’s anguish, he hungrily drew her strong, supple form against him. He had never heard Cali as shaken and distraught as right now. His heart contracted with her pain and he pressed a chaste kiss to her hair. His mother’s words from the day before came back to him: PTSD nightmares…The worst kind. The type that take a person back to relive a trauma, making it as real as the day it happened…Yes, that was what Cali was experiencing.

  Most of all, Pete recalled his mother saying that being held and gently rocked was the most healing thing of all to her when she had one of these awful, gutting nightmares. And God knew he wanted to do this for Cali now. They’d gone way beyond professional boundaries. Pete felt a driving ache tunnel through him, demanding that he be true to his feelings for her, no matter how raw. No more mind games, no more trying to rationalize things with this strong, heroic woman who had escaped death. As he stood there supporting her, Pete closed his eyes and simply absorbed Cali into him. Never had he felt so happy. Or so scared. He’d whispered those words to her again: he needed her. Yes, God help him, he did. She had asked for his help and he would give it to her without hesitation.

  And so Pete allowed her sanctuary in his embrace. Oh, he wanted to kiss her senseless. He wanted to fix this situation for Cali so she would no longer feel the pain. But he couldn’t do that, and he knew it. As she sobbed against his chest, her wet tears tearing at his heart, Pete remained strong for Cali. Little by little, he began to rock her as he might a hurt, frightened child.

  Cali’s special fragrance filled Pete’s flaring nostrils and he began to lose track of time. For now, he was content just to hold her, feel the warmth and lushness of her silk-covered body pressed against his. She could have turned away once she’d discovered him out here. Instead, she’d chosen to walk into his arms. Grateful for her unexpected trust, Pete wasn’t about to blow this by trying to drag her into his bed. Not a chance. And maybe, he realized, his feelings for her were different from all those he’d felt in his past relationships. She was a sensual woman and he wanted her in that way. But he also wanted her mind. Her heart. Her ideas. Yes, this was a very different reaction than he’d ever had to any woman before Cali. Better. Heady. Scarier. What was he going to do?

  Gradually, Cali’s sobs lessened. Pete gently pulled away enough to look down into her wounded green eyes. Her lashes were thickly matted with tears. Lifting his hand, he gently wiped her cheeks.

  “Cali, you know what I want to do? I want to take you back to my bedroom. I want to lie down with you and just hold you. No funny stuff. Right now, you just need to be held. I want to do that for you. May I?” Cali had entrusted him with her vulnerability, her pain. He wasn’t about to destroy the tentative, fragile trust strung between them.

  Nodding, Cali whispered brokenly, “Yes, I—I need you, Pete. I do want to be held.” No longer could she dodge the central question of Pete in her life. All she was going through had worn her down, and paved the way for that startling truth. As she gazed up into his tense, shadowed features, she saw his eyes burn with an emotion that caught her completely off guard: love. Or was it just general caring for someone in pain? Need wasn’t necessarily love. Cali wasn’t sure, but she felt so desperate in that moment, it was impossible to analyze anything. Right now, she needed Pete. His arms. His strength and tenderness.

  “I understand.” There was that word again: need. Now, Cali was admitting she needed him. Pete’s heart soared with such tumult and joy he felt as if he were caught up in a tornado, spinning out of control. Curving his arm around her shoulders, he guided her toward the door, down the hall to his room.

  Cali choked on a sob from time to time, her hands pressed to her face, making Pete want to fiercely protect her. He knew his love for her could help her heal. It was a knowing from his heart, not his head. And that was a vital difference, he realized. For the first time in his life, he was in touch with real love. Now he understood his mother’s words and what she’d meant. He loved Cali. She was the woman he wanted in his life forever.

  His bedroom door was ajar. Pete ushered Cali into the quiet, moonlit room and toward the queen-sized bed. While he turned and shut the door, she climbed in and lay down, pulling her legs up beneath her silk robe in a f
etal position.

  Easing down beside her, Pete pulled the quilt over both of them. Cali’s curved back was toward him, and when he moved closer, she nestled against him. Pete ached to love her, but right now, she needed his care. Sliding one arm beneath her neck, he curved his other hand around her waist, beneath her breasts.

  “There,” Pete breathed into her silky hair, “now you can go back to sleep, Cali. Just shut your eyes. The nightmare won’t come back. I’m here and I’ll hold you safe.” He whispered these words against her neck and her hand moved against his.

  “Thank you, Pete. I’m so tired. I’ve been waking up so often, every night….”

  Bothered that he hadn’t known, Pete gently embraced her. “You’ll sleep now, Cali, because you’re safe. No more bad dreams. Just good ones. I’ll protect you.”

  Almost instantly, he felt the tension begin to drain away from Cali. Her hips were softly aligned with his, her supple spine followed the natural curve of his chest and torso. Her head was pressed trustingly beneath his jaw.

  How long Pete lay awake in the silvery moonlight, realizing the gift Cali had just bestowed upon him, he didn’t know. Eventually, his lids grew heavy. And sometime just before dawn, he dropped off into a dreamless sleep with the woman he’d needed all his life. She was in his arms, and he’d discovered real love.

  With Cali.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  CALI AWOKE SLOWLY. Calmness inhabited her, not terror. That was new and different. Every morning she woke up feeling jittery and frazzled. Not today. She heard the melodic call of a robin outside the window. Barely opening her eyes, she realized the first rays of the sun had come over the horizon, setting the tips of the Douglas firs ablaze with gold fire.

  Something was different. And wonderful. Sighing softly, she felt Pete’s heavy arm around her waist, secure and comforting. His other arm rested beneath her neck on the pillow they shared. She was sleeping in Pete’s embrace. The realization was sweet, poignant and filled with promise. As Cali listened to his sonorous breathing against the back of her neck, felt his moist breath flowing across her skin, a tender smile pulled at the corners of her mouth. Instead of waking this morning with death inhabiting her soul, she felt lightness and hope.