All the Pretty Hearses

by Mary Daheim

  “No,” Bill said, apparently to Oscar, “that’s not the Falstaff parking lot after Renie drove up there to get more eggnog for Christmas.”

  “Very funny,” Renie muttered, leading Judith into the kitchen. “I’m just finishing dinner cleanup. What’s wrong? You look a bit odd.”

  “I feel a lot odd,” Judith replied, slumping against the work counter that jutted out in the middle of the kitchen. “I need someone to bounce ideas off of and you’re it.”

  “Then let’s sit in the nook,” Renie said, turning on the dishwasher.

  Judith shrugged off her jacket and sat in the captain’s chair staring out the window where heavy raindrops bounced off the deck railing. Renie was getting something out of the refrigerator. She appeared a moment later with a can of Diet 7UP for Judith and the ubiquitous regular Pepsi for herself.

  “Okay,” her cousin said, plopping down into another captain’s chair on the other side of the table. “Start your tale of woe.”

  “I don’t know where to begin,” Judith confessed. “What was happening when I last saw you?”

  “Your mother tried to crash and burn in the kitchen,” Renie said. “Then the B.C. couple arrived. Addison was looking sage when he wasn’t looking uncomfortable. Then I made my exit.”

  Judith nodded. “I can go on from there,” she said—and did, catching Renie up on everything that had happened in the past six hours. “I honestly don’t know if Joe can tell me what’s going on, but his attitude aggravated me. And then I had a sudden brainstorm.”

  “Which blew you in our direction?” Renie shrugged. “Let’s hear it.”

  “I . . . I can’t quite put it into words yet. You know it has to be logical and what occurred to me isn’t. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I’m sure I’m crazy.”

  Renie looked disgusted. “You drove a mile to tell me what you can’t tell me? Why didn’t you send me a blank e-mail and save gas?”

  “I know. It sounds stupid. But it also occurred to me that we should go over to the Eastside and try to find that barn where the horse is stabled.”

  “ ‘We’? Now? Yes, you are crazy.”

  Judith laughed nervously. “Okay, now that we’ve put my insanity on the table, I’ll admit I’m afraid to stay alone tonight.”

  “Coz.” Renie looked shocked. “Oh my. This is serious. You’ve faced off with hardened killers, you’ve stared down gun barrels, you’ve confronted strangers who were mad as hatters, you’ve even gone one-on-one with your mother . . . and yet you’re afraid to stay alone in your own house? That really upsets me.”

  “I know. It’s absurd.” She gazed at the random stacks of notepads and other work-related items Renie kept at hand on the main floor. “If I put all of these puzzle pieces on paper and tried to connect them in some way, would that make sense?”

  “I won’t know until you try,” Renie said, pushing a legal pad toward her cousin. “Go for it.” Picking up a pen, Judith drew a house representing the B&B. Then she drew lines leading from the house that indicated all of the factors involved in the baffling occurrences of the past week. Renie sat quietly, sipping her Pepsi.

  “What have I left out?” Judith mused. “Something’s missing.”

  “Your artistic talent is one of them,” Renie noted. “Your printing’s not so hot either.”

  “Never mind the idiotic comments. Just try to figure out what is on my primitive diagram.”

  “Why did you include SANECO?” Renie asked. “Is that because you don’t think Zachary Conrad was the original person who was supposed to be bilking the insurance company?”

  “That’s right,” Judith said. “If something serious had happened to Zachary, it would’ve made the news. Not a big story, but at least a few inches, since he was a city employee of some stature. Remember that the body had phony ID. I assume—always a mistake to assume anything—that Joe and Woody had been in contact with SANECO. The question should be what happened to the real person who was possibly trying to defraud the company? Or did he ever exist? And if he did, is his body somewhere at the bottom of the lake?”

  Renie nodded. “I get it. But we have to assume SANECO is on the up-and-up, right?”

  “The company, yes. One person who works there may not be, but I have no way of knowing. That’s something Joe and Woody would investigate. Which,” Judith went on, tapping her fingers on the table, “may mean that the whole situation was a setup. Maybe there never was an insurance-fraud attempt. How long did Zachary live in that condo? Who owns it? That’s what the police would know. And that’s what Joe’s not telling me. He says he can’t.”

  Renie’s round face brightened. “A sting operation with Zachary Conrad as bait? Why him?”

  “Because,” Judith said slowly, “he volunteered.”

  “Wow.” Renie grinned at Judith. “That’s brilliant. Of you, I mean. Not so smart of Zachary, being dead. So why would he do such a thing?”

  “That’s the problem,” Judith said, frowning. “It had to be very important for him to do it in the first place. Some sort of connection to whatever lead Addison is following at City Hall. What do we know about Zachary except his job and his connection by marriage to the Paines?”

  “Not much,” Renie said.

  “Same way with Addison.” Judith stared at her crude diagram. “Connect the dots—or lines. Horses. Hunt club. Gambling. ARBS.”

  “You didn’t put the truck drivers down,” Renie pointed out.

  “No, I didn’t. In my mind, they come under ‘Uncle Al.’ ” Judith made a face. “But I left out something else. ‘Sick kids at SOTS.’ ”

  “Doc’s Burgers? We’ve been eating them for years,” Renie said. “You think they get their meat from ARBS?”

  “Maybe,” Judith said. “Who’d know?”

  “Ohhh . . . Martha Morelli, probably. She’s been involved in the hamburger lunch program forever. Want me to call her?”

  “Why not?”

  Renie flipped through the Rolodex. “Gee, maybe I can con Martha into using my Shrimp Dump recipe after all.” She tapped in the number. “She’s a slow starter, but she does tend to run on once she— Hi, Martha, it’s Serena Jones . . . Oh, really?” Renie shot Judith a beleaguered glance. “That’s a shame . . .”

  Judith saw Renie slump down in the chair. Recalling her own phone conversation with the woman, she wondered if maybe it hadn’t taken Martha so long to get up to speed this time around.

  “That doesn’t sound like my cousin,” Renie said, one hand to her head. “Judith is always . . . Yes, but I heard . . . No, of course, I wasn’t there . . . Gosh, that isn’t what Arlene told us about the ladder . . . Confused? I don’t think . . . But why would Alicia and Reggie need the ladder in the first . . . No, I told you, I wasn’t there when . . .”

  Renie had slouched down so far in the chair that her chin was almost on the table. Judith could only imagine what the Beard-Smythes had told Martha and the rest of the parishioners about their stay at Hillside Manor. Come morning, it might be wise to avoid Mass at SOTS and attend the adjacent parish near the city center instead.

  “Yes, yes,” Renie said, finally sounding testy as she pulled herself back up in the chair, “that’s a shame, but that’s not why I . . . Martha! Stop! This is important! Who poisoned the schoolchildren?”

  Judith leaned forward, watching her cousin’s expression change from annoyance to puzzlement.

  “Martha?” Renie frowned. “Martha?” she repeated in a loud voice. After a long pause, she disconnected. “I got dead air, then the fast busy signal. I think Martha passed out. Does that answer your question?”

  “Why am I not surprised?” Judith said. “It makes sense, I guess. The school would want to contract through a hamburger place that buys meat from a parishioner.”

  “It must’ve been a onetime only occurrence,” Renie remarked. “Doc’s Bur
gers has never had a problem I know of before this. Maybe we’re wrong. I wonder what went awry? Or could we be mistaken?”

  “We may be jumping to conclusions,” Judith allowed. “I’ll call the health department Monday. Don’t you know someone who works there?”

  “Yes,” Renie replied. “The son of a former neighbor when I was growing up. I keep in touch with the family. So does Mom. Rob’s worked there for years. He must be pretty far up the food chain by now. So to speak. Smart, nice, and probably would be helpful.” She began going through her Rolodex again. “I imagine Shrimp Dump won’t make it into the SOTS cookbook now that Martha either fainted or hung up on me. I gather she’s very tight with the Beard-Smythes.”

  Judith nodded. “That’s how I got roped into having them spend the night. Good Lord, it seems like a long time ago.”

  “I’m calling Rob now,” Renie said. “If he’s not home, I’ll leave a cryptic message. That’ll ensure— Rob? Hi. This is Serena. How are you?”

  Judith stood up. She knew Renie would have to lay some groundwork before asking pertinent questions. Wandering through the dining and living rooms, she came to stand by the fireplace, where a single log was sending out a bit of extra warmth.

  “Just in time,” Bill said. “The Russians won.”

  “Again?” Judith responded.

  “You bet.” Bill leaned forward. “No, Oscar, they didn’t cheat.” He turned back to Judith. “Oscar swears he had a friend who was a Swedish spy at Leningrad.”

  “Oh? His friend must be quite elderly.”

  Bill shook his head. “Oscar has no sense of time passing,” he said in a low voice. “He thinks all this happened today. Poor little fella.”

  “Say,” Judith said, “what’s going on with the client who was being stalked? Has anything happened to him while Joe’s been out of action?”

  “I don’t know,” Bill replied. “I won’t see him again until Tuesday.”

  “And you wouldn’t tell me if it had, right?”

  “Right.” Bill scanned the circled items on the TV listings. “Sorry, Oscar, we’re stuck with a bunch of bad movies. Saturday’s not much good for TV viewing. How about The Godfather Part One?”

  “I like that,” Judith said. “It’s one of Joe’s favorites, too.”

  “I know,” Bill said, getting up to take a DVD out of the cupboard by the TV. “Oscar has a pal who works in Vegas. Renie and I saw Jack at the MGM Grand when were we there the last couple of times. Nice guy. He just sort of hangs around in a jungle setting at a restaurant.”

  “Does Jack get paid for . . . never mind, I think Renie’s winding up her phone call.” Help me, Lord, I’m starting to sound as insane as the Joneses. They’re contagious.

  Renie, however, was still talking to Rob. “That’s awful,” she was saying. “Did it make the news?”

  Judith sat down and sipped her soda. Her cousin was looking more and more shocked by the second. “Yes, of course, I understand . . . No, I won’t say a word. Maybe he’ll still turn up . . . Okay. Thanks. I’m glad everything else is going so well for you and yours . . . I will. Bye.” She put the phone down. “That was more than worthwhile. Rob sent one of his inspectors to ARBS right after Christmas. The guy had some kind of accident there that put him in the hospital for several days and then he went home in a wheelchair. You’ll never guess where he lives. Or lived, since he’s disappeared.”

  Judith stared at Renie. “The condo on the lake?”

  “You got it. He hasn’t been seen or heard from since last Sunday.”

  Chapter Twenty

  After taking in the thunderbolt of news, Judith had several questions for Renie. “Do they think he’s dead?”

  “They don’t know.”

  “Could he have been perpetrating an insurance fraud?”

  “I’ve no idea.”

  “He must’ve been seriously injured or he wouldn’t have ended up in the hospital, right?”

  “Right.”

  “How did he get hurt?”

  “Nobody’s sure. Something apparently fell on him. He suffered severe damage to his pelvis.”

  “That doesn’t sound like fraud, does it?”

  “Not to me,” Renie agreed. “I didn’t mention anything about Joe and the surveillance. I just let Rob talk.”

  “Good thinking,” Judith said. “So something fell on him . . . Do you suppose it was an accident?”

  “That would be the job of the insurance investigators,” Renie said. “Rob told me they were looking into it, of course, but no report had yet been filed. There was a very brief item under the local news in the paper, but no TV coverage. None of the parties involved want to talk until the investigation is over.”

  “Again, this would be something Joe and Woody would look into,” Judith said. “Damn! I wish Joe could tell me what’s going on. They must be way out ahead of what little we know.”

  “We need a spy,” Renie declared. “Volunteers?”

  “Us? How?”

  “You’re the queen of liars around here,” Renie pointed out. “Think, coz. We couldn’t do this incognito. We know some of the players, such as Andrew Paine and the Beard-Smythes. That leaves Addison. He doesn’t need to be incognito. It’s his job. Call him.”

  Judith grimaced. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

  Renie started to argue, but seemed to change her mind. “You look odd. What’s going on with you two? I’m getting some strange vibes.”

  Judith went on the defensive. “Like what?” she snapped. “Are you joining forces with Mother and Arlene and insinuating that I’ve got a thing for Addison? That’s crap and you know it. He’s a nice guy, and I’ve been grateful for his help, but that’s it.”

  Renie shook her head. “No, I don’t taunt you like Aunt Gert does and I don’t get peculiar notions like Arlene occasionally has. But I do know you and I kind of know Addison, or at least I can make some judgments about men like him. Widowed, lonely, not lucky in love since his wife died. You’re sympathetic, good-hearted, open with people, always trying to please. Two frustrated adults, permanently or temporarily spouseless, living under the same roof for a couple of days. Danger. Excitement. Sharing your thoughts about the investigation and God knows what else. He’s playing protector. You’re in the role of possible victim. What could possibly go wrong?”

  “Nothing!” Judith shouted—and immediately felt foolish. “Really. I understand what you’re saying, but it’s . . . not true.”

  “Bull. It’s true.” Renie smiled ironically. “I mean, the situation is. Obviously, you’re suddenly backing off. How come?”

  Judith tried to find the right words to explain herself. And Addison. Or both of them. She jumped when she realized Bill was standing in the doorway of the nook.

  “You two okay?” he asked.

  Renie’s smile softened. “Sure. Just Coz here, trying to deny that she’s really hot. Guess I shouldn’t have sent that letter to AARP nominating her for the Bodalacious Babe Award.”

  Bill shrugged. “Oscar signed it.” He turned and went through the other door to the kitchen. “Time for my snack. Got a napoleon from Begelman’s Bakery for tonight. Seems appropriate after watching the siege of Leningrad, even if it’s the wrong war.” Bill moved on to the refrigerator.

  “Sometimes,” Judith murmured, “I’d really like to strangle you.”

  “Right.” Renie stretched and yawned. “Bill feels the same way. Start with telling me why you won’t call Addison.”

  “I think he may be onto something,” Judith said after a short pause. “I told you he left that odd message on the phone.”

  “You didn’t say why you thought it was odd.”

  “He sounded . . . odd. He’d gone to see Paulina Paine.”

  “Oh?”

  “I didn’t mention it, because it didn’t seem important to .
. . to the rest of the stuff that’s been going on,” Judith explained, feeling awkward. “She and Andrew separated a while back and during that time, Paulina and Addison had a fling. I realized there was something between them when they saw each other last night and later they disappeared upstairs for a while.”

  Renie couldn’t help but laugh. “Gee, you really are a sleuth. But that’s fairly intriguing, for more than obvious reasons. You think she’ll rat out Andy to Addison?”

  “If, in fact, there’s any ratting out to be done,” Judith replied. “Paulina and Andy didn’t strike me as a very happy couple.”

  “Paulina started out bitchy,” Renie said. “Maybe that’s not really her, but living with Andy has made her brittle and sharp-tongued.”

  “Defense mechanism,” Bill called out from in front of the microwave, where he was warming his Sleepytime Tea. “The opposite of my wife, who’s treated like a queen and is ever cheerful and sweet.”

  Renie leaned out of her chair. “Why don’t you stick your head in that thing and turn it on for two minutes? Your brain has stopped functioning, Dr. Bill.”

  Her husband didn’t comment, but continued his nightly ritual.

  “He’s right, of course,” Renie said as Bill exited the kitchen. “That’s another thing about the Paines. Are any of them happily married? How on earth could Hannah pretend the man who came with her was Zachary Conrad? And who was he?”

  “That,” Judith said, “is a good question. Is it possible that she didn’t know Zachary was dead?”

  “She should by now,” Renie pointed out, “even if the Paines have been avoiding calls from the police. Frankly, their attitude is beyond strange. It’s as if the whole family is running scared.”

  Judith agreed. “That’s what I’ve been thinking all day. The youngest of Norma and Wilbur’s children, Sarah, isn’t Octavia’s mother. It was clear that Sarah and Dennis Blair haven’t been married very long. Octavia obviously doesn’t care for the rest of the Paines. If there’s any ratting to be done, I wonder if she’d be our best source. The only problem is, I don’t know where she works or even if she lives with her father and Sarah.”