Mail Order Madness

by Kirsten Osbourne

  “I’m sure he didn’t.” He pointed to the bathroom door. “He’s in there now?”

  “He and Lewis are bathing together. They have five minutes left.” She raised her voice as she said the last three words. “They’d better have their hair washed before they come out as well!”

  David heard splashing coming from the bathroom to let him know they’d heard and were obeying. He caught Susan’s hand and pulled her down the hall. “I know Albert’s giving you fits, but he hasn’t obeyed anyone this well since his mother died.” He leaned down and kissed her again. “Thank you for getting the boys under control.”

  She sighed. “The twins are fine. They do what I tell them to do. Lewis is afraid of me, so there’s no problem there. Albert, though? He thinks I’m going to give up and let him do what he wants if he fights me long and hard enough. It’s not going to happen. If I give in now, I’ll never be the supreme ruler of this house, and if I’m not the ruler here, then he will be. And that’s not happening.”

  “He comes to me with complaints about you several times per day. He keeps telling me I should have married someone nice who wouldn’t have bossed him around all the time.”

  “And?” She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him to let him know he’d better take her side.

  “I tell him you’re his mother and he’s going to obey you.” How would he dare do anything else? His little wife was fierce, and he wasn’t willing to fight her about the boys. He promised her she could do what she wanted as regards their discipline as long as she didn’t hit them. She hadn’t hit them, but she’d sure made a difference in his household in only two short days.

  “Good. The boys don’t have it in their heads yet that they need to obey me without question. Well, that’s not true. Albert’s the only one who is really still giving me any trouble.” She sighed. “That boy thinks he can out-stubborn me, but he’ll know better soon.”

  David couldn’t help but grin. “I’m sure he will.”

  “I need to go check on them.” She wandered down the hall to outside the bathroom door. “I’m opening this door in one minute. Cover up with towels if you need to!”

  David leaned against the wall and watched to see how she handled things. She waited a full minute and then called out, “I’m coming in!”

  Albert screamed as she opened the door. “I’m not covered up!”

  Susan shrugged. “You had plenty of warning. Cover up next time. Both of you need to get upstairs and get clothes on before lunch. If you can stay clean for the rest of the day, I won’t make you bathe before you go to bed tonight. You have to be clean for church tomorrow, though.” She held the door wide open so the boys could leave when they were ready.

  Albert grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist glaring at Susan, before running from the bathroom and up the stairs.

  Lewis stood drying off just looking at her. He didn’t have a problem with her seeing him naked. “I’ll try to stay clean, Ma.” He followed his brother up the stairs to dress.

  Susan turned to David who was still watching the show. “Well, that was fun. You ready for lunch?”

  David walked over to where Susan was standing and pulled her to him hugging her tightly. “You are priceless.”

  Susan had no idea what he was talking about, but hugged him back. “I’m hungry. What do you think Sadie made for lunch?”

  “Let’s go find out.”

  *****

  That night in bed, she snuggled against his side. “You know, when Mrs. Hackenshleimer isn’t working, you really should try to be at home. The boys need your influence.” She’d thought all day about how to have this conversation with him, and had decided to just blurt it out.

  “I’m around on Sundays. You only have one day with them alone.”

  “They need you more than that. You come into the house late in the evenings and are gone Saturdays as well. It’s not that I can’t handle them. I think I’ve proven I can. They just need you more than that.” She firmly believed that boys needed their father’s influence as much as possible, just as girls needed their mother’s.

  He thought about what she was saying for a moment. The truth was, he could easily spend more time with them. He simply chose not to because they were so difficult. “I’ll try.”

  She nodded, her eyes closing sleepily. “That’s all I can ask.

  Chapter Seven

  Susan woke early on Sunday morning to make sure she could get the boys ready for church on time. Sadie took Sundays off, which left Susan in charge of seeing to breakfast. She was in the kitchen as soon as the sun was up making French toast and bacon for her new family. She was uncertain how much everyone would eat, so she had a small mountain of food waiting when everyone came down to breakfast.

  Susan had Albert pour the milk, and was thrilled to see he followed her instructions immediately. Of course, that was one of the rules she’d made with consequences her first full day there, and he had yet to disobey those rules.

  Once breakfast was finished, she sent the older boys upstairs to get dressed for church while she went back into the kitchen. She wanted to go on a picnic after church, so she had fried some chicken while making breakfast. She’d boiled potatoes and eggs for a potato salad, and put it together before going upstairs to get the twins dressed for church.

  She noticed the boys had only matching outfits and she wondered if that was a good thing. She decided she’d make them some clothes that were distinct for each of them the first chance she got.

  Once the twins were dressed, she sent them to their pa while she got dressed for church herself. She put her dark green dress on, and did her best to imitate the hairstyle Mrs. Duckworth had used for her wedding day. When she looked in the mirror above her dresser, she realized it wasn’t perfect, but it was better than her usual style which was just pulling all her hair back into a bun.

  She descended the stairs to find all of the boys with her husband waiting in the formal parlor. They were all dressed in their Sunday best and looked good, although Albert’s tie was crooked. She walked to him and straightened his tie, but he knocked her hands away.

  She raised an eyebrow looking down at him. “I’m trying to help you and you will allow me to do it.” She spent twice as long as needed straightening his tie, just to show him she could.

  Susan walked into the kitchen to get the picnic basket she’d packed along with the quilt she’d put with it. She handed it to David to carry out to the buggy. “We’re going on a picnic after church,” she announced.

  Albert groaned. “I don’t want to go on a picnic.”

  She stared at him. “An eight year old boy who doesn’t like picnics? Do you really not want to go on a picnic, or do you not want to go because it was my idea?”

  Albert looked down, giving her the answer.

  Lewis ran to her and hugged her. “I like picnics, Ma.”

  Susan smiled ruffling his hair. “I’m glad. I like to go on picnics a lot.” She looked at David. “Are we all ready?” She knew she’d taken longer than anyone else to get ready for church, but she’d also had the most to do.

  “I think so. If no one else needs their tie straightened.” David winked at her as he asked the question letting her know he knew she’d spent more time straightening Albert’s tie than she really needed to.

  She grinned at him and said, “I think the rest of your ties are good.” She led the way outside and saw the team had already been hitched to the buggy.

  David stowed the basket in the back and then helped her up. He handed her Walter and Thomas. She put Walter in the middle and held Thomas in her lap while the older two boys scrambled into the back.

  “Where’s a good place for a picnic around here?” she asked David as he pulled out of the driveway and headed south. She’d expected him to head north toward Fort Worth, so she looked at him in surprise. “Where are we going?”

  “There’s a small country church about a mile down the road, so we go there instead of making the tr
ek into Fort Worth. Most of our neighbors are members there as well, so it’s just easier. As for where to go for a picnic, a lot of the members of our church have picnics right there on the lawn after the service. It’s a way for people to fellowship without anyone having to go to the trouble of planning a party. Most Sundays there will be a group there unless it’s one of the few Sundays where it’s too cold or rainy.”

  “Would you like to join them, or would you rather go somewhere with just the family?” Susan asked. She wasn’t sure which she preferred for herself, but she knew it would be good for the boys to have other children to play with.

  He shrugged. “If you don’t mind, I’d rather go ahead and join the crowd. It’ll be nice to introduce you around. It’s a small church, and you’ve met several of the women already, but the sooner you meet the others, the sooner you’ll feel a part of the community.”

  “That sounds good. I assume there will be other children for the boys to play with there.” She liked the idea of having a picnic with the church. She did want to meet the other women and make some more friends. Being without her family, no matter how much they annoyed her, in another state made her feel lonely for home.

  “Some.” He didn’t add that several of the families at church didn’t let their children play with his boys. Hopefully that ban would be lifted as the boys learned how to behave.

  On the way to church, Susan explained to the boys how she wanted them to behave while they were there. “I expect both of you to be on your best behavior. You need to act the way you acted the first night you met me. Before and after the service I want to be able to reach out and touch either one of you. In other words, no running off with friends until I see how you behave. The better you do the more freedom I’ll give you next week.”

  The small country church was similar in looks to the one she’d attended back home. It was a wood building with a tall steeple that had been painted white. She felt right at home as she saw the building and was pleased with it. Someone obviously spent a lot of time seeing to the church property. The lawn was well-manicured, and there were several different flowers thriving along the front of the church. With the drought they were in, someone must be watering them often.

  They left the picnic basket in the buggy as they walked into the church. She and David each held the hand of one of the twins, and Susan kept her eyes on the older boys. They listened to what she’d said and stayed right beside her and David the entire time he was introducing her around. The whole congregation only consisted of around thirty people, so there weren’t a lot of people she needed to meet. She was pleased with how friendly everyone seemed.

  When the preacher got up to start services, she followed David to a pew and they sat with Albert next to her, the twins between them and Lewis on the other side of David. During the first song, she noticed Albert fidgeting and wiggling, and not singing. He acted just as her younger brothers had during church service. She hoped the preacher wasn’t long winded, because the boys just didn’t have the attention spans for a long service.

  The preacher talked about honoring parents that day, and she found herself nudging Albert to pay attention when the preacher talked about obedience. He glared at her, but seemed to at least be listening at some points.

  At the end of the service they once again stood to sing, and she leaned over and whispered, “How did you manage to keep these four from running up and down the aisles when it was just you?”

  He grinned at her. “It wasn’t easy, and I never said they didn’t run up and down the aisles during service.”

  She cringed at the mental image that came to her. She hoped he was kidding, but had a very strong suspicion he wasn’t. No wonder the boys had such a bad reputation with the other parents.

  After the song, everyone trooped outside. David went to the buggy to get their quilt and picnic basket, and Susan spread the quilt on the ground near the church building. Once everyone was seated on the ground, she fixed plates for them all. David said a prayer for their family and they ate in the sunshine.

  After lunch a baseball game was started. Susan watched as the older boys ran off to play. “Are you not going to join in?” she asked David. She noticed that a lot of the other men were playing while the women cheered them on. David seemed as if he would enjoy a game of baseball so she was genuinely surprised when he didn’t jump up to join the game.

  He shook his head. “I thought I’d spend some time with my wife.”

  She smiled. The twins were sprawled on the quilt, each of them sleeping. She was surprised they were able to fall asleep in the confusion of the day, but realized they were exhausted from their busy day.

  “It seems strange to sit here at a picnic and be the mom instead of just the oldest sister.” She’d shared a lot of her mother’s duties growing up, and had thought she would feel nothing different when she became a mother to the young boys, but she’d been wrong. The feelings of responsibility were slightly overwhelming for her.

  He looked at her. “That’s right. You have eleven younger brothers and sisters. What was that like?”

  “Chaotic.” It was the first word to pop into her head, so of course it was the first word that came out of her mouth. Nothing had ever seemed to go right at home, and she’d always blamed her mother for it. It never occurred to her the sheer number of children could have anything to do with the overwhelming chaos.

  “What does that mean?” he asked with one raised eyebrow.

  She shrugged. “We never really had any money growing up, so I had to quit school after eighth grade. I watched neighbor kids for extra money, which I gave to my parents to help out with the family expenses. When I wasn’t working for someone else, I was watching my younger siblings, or cooking, or cleaning, or sewing. From the time I was six or seven when I wasn’t in school I was watching the little ones.” She stroked Walter’s hair as he slept quietly on the quilt. “My childhood wasn’t terrible, don’t get me wrong. I just had a lot of responsibilities. My parents were really strict with me and my three siblings who were after me in age. After the four of us, Ma just kind of gave up. She said she was too tired to keep fighting. So the eight youngest kids are monsters.”

  He smiled at her. “They can’t be that bad.”

  “Our congregation referred to them as ‘the demon horde’. The reason I decided to answer your brother’s ad was I got home from working all day and found out my younger siblings had tipped over the outhouse while my sister was in it and painted the cow purple. They did all that after having an egg fight in the kitchen and hitting her in the side of the head with an egg.” She couldn’t help but grin at the memory. “She still had egg shell in her hair.”

  “Purple?” The laughter was apparent on David’s face, but he held it in for her sake.

  “Purple. Go ahead and laugh. I know it’s funny. I was just so tired of being a surrogate parent to my brothers and sisters I decided to get married.” She traced the pattern on the quilt they were sitting on. “I told anyone who would listen that if God ever cursed me with children I’d parent with a very long switch.” Her eyes met his as she wondered how he’d react to her mentioning a switch.

  He cringed. “You certainly weren’t looking for a family like mine then, were you?”

  She laughed. “Not at all. The twins are one thing. When you mentioned having two year olds, I knew they were young enough that I could raise them any way I saw fit. The older two are more than I’d bargained for.” She watched as Lewis chased the ball across the church lawn. “Of course, Lewis is already straightening up and doing what he’s told. Albert and I have a lot more battles of wills ahead of us, I’m afraid.”

  He took her hand in his. “I’m glad you took a chance on us. I’ll help with Albert any way I can.”

  “This is going to sound silly, but I feel kind of guilty for marrying you when I came out here to marry your brother. It’s as if I’m cheating on him somehow.” She shrugged to indicate she didn’t understand the feelings, but she couldn’
t deny them.

  A look of sadness came over his face at her words. “It doesn’t sound silly at all. I know just how you feel. Jesse died a good two weeks before you came here, and I debated with myself every day and finally decided to ask you to marry me the day you arrived. I didn’t feel like I should ask you, out of respect for him, but you’d never really met.” David stared off into space for a moment. “I’m glad we’re married and we really filled a need in each other’s lives. You didn’t have to go back to ‘the demon horde’ and I got the wife I needed, but I wish we’d met under any other circumstances.”

  She nodded. “So do I. What was he like? I mean, I read his letters, but there were only two, and they were bare bones. What was he like as a brother?” She hated how little she knew about the man she had planned to marry. With every day that passed, she thought less about him and more about the man she had married. Was she doing something wrong by not thinking of him more? Was it disloyal to his memory when she really hadn’t ever known him?

  David smile reminiscently. “There was only three years difference in our ages, and we grew up pretty close. I always wanted to run off and get into trouble, and he was always the voice of reason. He tried to talk me out of so many of the things I did when I was a kid.”

  “Like what?” She wondered if she really wanted to know what type of trouble he’d gotten into as a child, but she’d learned at their wedding lunch, the boys came by their mischief making tendencies naturally.

  He thought hard to come up with a good story. “Well, when I was about thirteen, I had this mean teacher. She was the type who took you back to the cloakroom every day and beat your bottom with a big paddle. I’d been beaten three times that day already, so I wasn’t exactly pleased with her. Anyway, at the end of lunch recess, just before she called us back, she always spent a couple of minutes in the outhouse. So, at the beginning of lunch that day, I asked all the other boys for their suspenders and tied them together, and then hid the long rope I’d made out of them in the bushes. When she went into the outhouse, I tied her in there. Charles helped me.” He grinned at the memory. “Of course, Jesse was trying to talk me out of it the entire time. I think that’s how Miss Schroeder knew it was Charles and me. We got our butts whipped for that one, and we were suspended from school for three weeks. Jesse was suspended too. I thought Ma was going to break her own rule and beat me for sure, but she didn’t.”