by Laura Gibson
“Thanks.” Rachel blushed and looked down at the dress, she was excited. More than excited. She had never really been noticed before for anything except her grades, and even then, academic praise only went so far.
“Ryan is gonna die when he sees you.” Melody winked, “What do you think of my outfit?” She turned around in a circle and Rachel studied it. The light pink dress was small, but not obscene. It looked good on her and hugged all the right curves, but it would never be something that Rachel would wear.
“Are you sure it’s not too short?” Rachel asked, trying to make sure it didn’t sound like she didn’t like the dress. She did. It looked nice, but it also made her uncomfortable.
“Oh please.” Melody moved over to her vanity and looked in the mirror, fixing her lipstick, “Jefferson likes legs.” She winked again which elicited more blushing from Rachel.
“How do you know this?” Rachel asked, pretending to laugh. Pretending that the conversation hadn’t taken an awkward turn.
Melody shrugged and readjusted her outfit, “I just do. Woman’s intuition, you could say.”
Rachel cleared her throat and checked her watch. “We gotta get going if we want to meet them on time.”
Melody frowned and looked at the clock hanging on the wall, “We have twenty minutes and the fountain is only ten minutes away, walking distance.”
“It never hurts to be early.” Rachel smiled at her friend, heading for the door, “Besides, I don’t feel like making them wait on us.”
“Honey, we’re the women. Of course they’ll wait.” Melody responded, mischief dancing across her face, “But if you really must be early, I’m ready now.”
“Thank you.” Rachel accepted the gesture and opened the door. “Do you know where we’re going?”
“A place a few miles away from here, I think.” Melody answered as they walked down the hallway towards the large front doors of their dorm. “I’ve been there a few times, it’s pretty fun. Good atmosphere.”
Ten minutes later both parties arrived at the fountain at the same time.
Melody laughed, “I knew it! I knew you’d be early!” She pointed at Jefferson like she knew him more than Rachel had originally thought.
Jefferson smirked, “To be late is to be obnoxious.”
Melody rolled her eyes, “You haven’t changed one bit.”
Jefferson was still smirking, “You look lovely this evening.”
Noticing that Jefferson was getting most of the attention, Ryan stepped around his friend and addressed Rachel, “You look nice.”
Rachel couldn’t help but feel slightly disappointed, Melody had gotten a ‘lovely’ and witty banter, while her Adonis here, her knight in shining armor, could only muster, ‘you look nice.’
“Thank you.” She smiled graciously, swallowing her awkward jealousy and accepting the compliment, “You look nice, too.”
With nothing left to say the group as a whole fell into an uncomfortable silence.
Rachel caught Jefferson’s eye and he smiled at her. Not a smirk, but a smile. She shifted uncomfortably on her feet and looked back at Ryan, her date. “Where are we going?”
“It’s a nice roadhouse a few miles south.” Jefferson answered, bringing the focus back to himself.
Rachel couldn’t help but notice the body language of the group. A strange dynamic was taking place, one she didn’t understand, or one that she didn’t want to admit.
“A roadhouse?” Rachel raised her eyebrows, “That doesn’t really sound like date material.”
“But it’s fun, Rachel.” Melody teased her, “And you like fun, remember?”
Rachel forced a smile, she hated been teased but she didn’t want them to know this. She wanted to be pleasant. She wanted them all to like her. “Let’s go then.”
How long should she wait before she told Ryan she wasn’t having the best time and needed to go home? This was the question that had been on her mind for the past forty-five minutes while they all sat around a table barely talking.
It seemed that no one was in a mood for a date, let alone an awkward first double date. Melody ordered a salad, was angry when the salad was served with both cheese and croutons, Ryan made a joke at Jefferson’s expense that put Jefferson off, causing him to cross his arms over his chest and not say anything for the better part of twenty minutes. The only person that seemed to be trying was the last person that would count herself as sociable, and even Rachel had her limits.
Finally, Melody announced that she didn’t feel well. The salad, or what little bit she had managed to eat, had made her ill.
Ryan, Rachel’s date Ryan, decided that right then and there was a good time to start being accommodating as he offered to take Melody back to Phillips so she could get some rest.
Jefferson agreed this was probably an alright idea and he would like to stay behind and finish the food he had ordered. Seeing that Rachel was still working on her entree, he was even more set on them staying together and finishing out the evening.
Rachel looked from Melody to Ryan and then back again, searching for what the right answer would be. Hoping that one of them would want her to come back with them.
She was okay with Jefferson as a person, but she didn’t want to be left alone with him. Something in the back of her mind told her that it was a bad idea to even be considering that as a possibility. But both parties sided with Jefferson’s logic and all Rachel could do was agree or look rude.
So then they were gone and Rachel was on her own.
She looked across the table at Jefferson and tried to start a conversation, hoping maybe the night would turn around. Hoping maybe Jefferson would eat just a little faster.
“So, how’s school going so far?” She asked, taking a small bite of her pasta.
“I can’t really complain.” Jefferson shrugged, taking what looked like an even smaller bite of his own food. “It’s pretty easy.”
Rachel nodded, “Yeah, I’m finding a difficult time trying to make things challenging. It seems like the curriculum is really simple lately.”
Jefferson’s eyes flashed as he became interested in the conversation. He leaned forward and put his thin elbows on the table, “Can you believe that some people actually need help with these classes?”
It was Rachel’s turn to shrug; after all, she was tutoring Melody in not one of her classes, but three. “Well you know, not everyone learns the same way.”
Jefferson waved her excuse away, “That should be a non-issue. I mean, if you can’t hack it, then why are you even here?”
“A lot of kids really like the way it looks on college application.” Rachel pointed out, “I’m sure they’re trying the best they can.”
Jefferson rolled his eyes, “I don’t know, Rachel, sometimes I think that people like us are a dying breed.”
Rachel laughed at that, “People like us? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You know, us.” Jefferson put emphasis on the last word, but still Rachel didn’t quite get what he was trying to say. Or maybe she didn’t want to.
She shook her head, “I don’t know, Jefferson, maybe they’re just trying to get by.”
Jefferson smiled at her, “See, that’s why I like you. You see the good still. You’re not disillusioned by the world, yet.”
Again Rachel laughed at him, “disillusioned? What is this, the great Gatsby?”
It was Jefferson’s turn to laugh, “I just think that I prefer your innocence over others’ lack thereof.”
Rachel didn’t know whether to be offended or feel complimented at his last statement. What could he possibly know of her innocence? They had maybe four or five conversations in the past month they had known each other and she didn’t feel like any of them could lead to that conclusion. He was making quite the judgment call. She could be dark. She could be bitter. She just didn’t have to show it. People shouldn’t just wear those things on their sleeves. Appearance was everything after all. If someone could understand you in a gla
nce then you were doing something wrong.
But before she had a chance to ask him what made him think that way, he was up and moving. A song had come on over the speakers that apparently Jefferson knew very well.
He extended his hand for her to take and his grin widened, “Come on, Rachel Gunn, dance with me.”
Rachel sighed, she couldn’t help herself; he could be charming when he wanted to be. He could be downright enjoyable if he really let himself.
And so, she took his hand, because she wanted to. Because at that moment she wanted to have fun with Jefferson Williams and she wanted to see the world the way he saw it.
In that moment he was a romantic. In that moment he was human.
Both of them had taken dance lessons several times over and so they fell in step with one another easily, each one taking cues from the other. Then, one song turned into one more and after that they were just dancing. No longer listening to the song, or waiting for it to be over, they were just two people enjoying one another’s company.
Rachel couldn’t help but think it, though it was Jefferson who said it first. Jefferson who gave the thought life in words.
He was holding her close during a slower melody, his hand on her lower back, guiding her, her head nearly resting on his shoulder. “You know, I wished that I had been on this date with you.” He whispered, almost as if he were afraid to speak the words that were tumbling out his lips.
Sloppy words. Words meant to compliment but did more harm than good.
Rachel wanted to tell him she agreed with him. That she had had a nice time, but she couldn’t find the truth in those feelings. She couldn’t find it in herself to lie one more time.
So she did the only thing she could, she played it off as a joke, as if she didn’t take it seriously, as if she didn’t understand yet again. “Don’t be ridiculous.” She was laughing, “If this were a date, I’d be terrible at it.”
Jefferson chuckled to himself and nodded. As the song ended he let go of her hand but didn’t step back from her. Softly, he kissed her forehead, “I guess it’s time to get you home then.”
Against Rachel’s wishes, Jefferson picked up the check and they headed for his car.
In the chilly night air Rachel spied the flare of a lit cigarette just a few paces away from the driver side door. Jefferson seemed to have noticed it as well because his hands faltered with his keys before he could unlock the doors.
“We should talk, Jeff.” A man came out of the shadows, one hand was holding the cigarette, the other stuck in the pocket of his jeans.
Rachel raised an eyebrow; she had never heard anyone call Jefferson ‘Jeff’ before. It seemed unnatural, too informal. Too familiar.
Jefferson sighed and turned away from the man, opening Rachel’s car door. “Go home, Kelly.”
Rachel looked from Jefferson to the man known as Kelly before getting in the car.
Jefferson closed the door for her and walked around the back of car, he said something to Kelly that Rachel couldn’t hear and then she heard Kelly laugh. It was a hollow laugh, angry, bitter filled with resentment for Jefferson.
Then Jefferson was being shoved against the side of the car and Kelly was snarling something, the words indiscernible, but the message was violent.
“Back off, Kell.” Jefferson shoved Kelly back, pushing him away, “Get a grip, man.”
“I told you to stay away from her!” Kelly was shouting now, his words made clear in his rage, “I told you to leave her alone!”
Jefferson fixed his jacket and brushed the dust off, “Well, I don’t know what to tell you then, because she sure didn’t act like she wanted me gone.”
Through the window Rachel saw Kelly ball his hand into a fist and slam it against Jefferson’s cheek.
“Damn it, Kelly!” Jefferson shouted, spitting blood out onto the ground, “What the hell is wrong you?”
Before Kelly could answer Jefferson was in the car and locking the doors. He looked over at Rachel, his eyes black as coal, “Put your seatbelt on.”
Rachel didn’t say anything, but did as she was told.
Jefferson pulled out of the parking lot with a screeching of tires and sped off down the interstate, heading back towards the safety of Phillips.
As they neared the student parking lot Jefferson cleared his throat. He pulled into a parking space and turned the car off. “I don’t want you to get the wrong impression.”
Rachel shook her head, unable to find words.
“Kelly is unhinged, I mean, really. The guy is a lunatic.” Jefferson tried to start.
“You don’t have to explain.” Rachel’s voice was softer than she had meant it to be. She just wanted to get out of the car and go home. What had even happened that night?
“But really.” Jefferson was looking directly at her, “If he says anything to you-”
“Jefferson, I don’t even think he saw me.” Rachel whispered, trying to appease the nervous mess of man sitting next to her.
“Oh he saw you.” Jefferson nodded his head, “He’s like a little parasite.”
Rachel reached up and gently touched the already swelling part of Jefferson’s face, “I won’t talk to him.”
Jefferson held her eye contact for a second, and she could tell he was weighing his options. Then his lips were on hers and she tasted his blood in her mouth.
She pulled away as he did and looked at him, waiting for him to say something more. Waiting for him to explain.
But he never did.
Agoura Hills, California
June 9th 2010
Rachel
The whole rest of yesterday had been spent thinking of all the different ways Rachel could make Kelly upset with her enough to leave her alone. She didn’t want to talk about Melody or Jefferson or anyone else that Kelly felt it was necessary to pick over.
She didn’t have the energy to try again. She didn’t want to have to think about all the memories that Kelly’s mere presence was bringing to the front of her mind, bidding her not to sleep, requesting her full attention.
Rachel’s blood shot eyes slid over to her night stand. The letter still sat there, still unopened.
Both Kelly and Jefferson would be the death of her.
She had left Phillips to get away from their dysfunction. She had left Phillips to protect him. Rachel exhaled in defeat and rubbed her face. Life wasn’t supposed to be this way. She was supposed to be able to leave and never look back. That was the agreement.
Rachel cleared her throat and pushed her tired body up and away from the wall of her bedroom. She hadn’t eaten in the past two days in her quest to avoid Kelly and now her stomach hurt with its hollow pangs.
She took a shower and tried to wash off all the bitter feelings that were coursing through her body but there was nothing she could do, nothing that would make her feel better in the slightest.
She got dressed, taking the time to pick out her clothes carefully. Taking the time to breathe. She just needed a moment to relax. A moment to tell hersef she didn’t have to deal with any of this. This wasn’t her fight. This was between them.
No matter what Kelly had said, this wasn’t her fight. That wasn’t her secret. How dare he put this on her. She did her part.
Rachel wandered down the stairs and could hear the boys in the kitchen, laughing as they made breakfast. She paused at the entrance and watched Kelly’s thin frame at the stove, making what smelled like scrambled eggs.
Part of her felt the very real pull to let it all go. To just go over to him and tell him everything she ever wanted to say, but the other part of her, the better half, knew she had to stay still in one spot. Not to move. Not to say a word. To speak was to admit and that was something she would never do. Admission was betrayal. But of herself, or him, she wasn't sure.
Silently, she slipped into the kitchen and opened the fridge. The noise in the kitchen stopped as they all waited for her to say something, but they didn’t know her like she knew herself. This resolution of
self wasn’t anything new to Rachel; she had just never concentrated it in an area such as this before.
Rachel grabbed an apple from its crisper drawer and closed the refrigerator, as she did, her eyes caught Kelly’s and she didn’t make a face. She held no outward emotion for him and she wanted him to know it. After all, he meant nothing to her. That’s what she had said at Phillips, and that sentiment still held true to this day.
Rachel walked out into the backyard and prayed that no one would follow her.
Picking one of the lawn chairs farther away from the table she started to eat her small meal.
As if they had been waiting for her, Ethan, Logan and Kelly all emerged from the house and sat at the table.
“Hey, Rach!” Ethan called over to her back while she chewed her rather unsatisfying apple. “Come sit by us!”
“Yeah, Rachel! Don’t eat alone!” Logan added, backing Ethan up. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in days and days.”
Rachel turned around to see all three of them were looking at her, expecting her to move over and eat with them, expecting her to do something that would be considered normal for Rachel. But she didn’t feel normal.
She no longer had an escape. At Phillips she had run away, gone home and hid from everything that was happening. Now, it had followed her home.
Slowly, reluctantly, Rachel got up and moved over to the fourth chair that was offered, sitting across from Kelly and next to Logan.
She put her apple core on the table and crossed her arms in her lap, looking at nothing in particular.
“Why’re you so sullen this morning?” Ethan asked, stirring his breakfast around with his fork.
“Just tired.” Rachel made a show of yawning and cleared her throat again. Things she wanted to say but were never to be let out it seemed to keep building up.
“Maybe you should get out today. It looks like you could use a distraction,” Logan blindly offered, unaware of how accurate he was.
