by Laura Gibson
“Maybe.” Rachel nodded, smiling warmly at the young man. When she first met him he had reminded her a little of Ryan, but now, having spent more time with him she saw that he was more carefree than Ryan had been. He seemed like the type of person to relax with. Someone who didn’t mind if there was nothing substantial to discuss. Someone who didn’t mind letting a secret stay a secret.
“Well, I don’t have any plans today.” Logan continued as if they were the only two people sitting at the table.
Rachel could sense what he was getting at before he actually got to the real point and she didn’t mind the suggestion. She did need a distraction and she did want to get away for a while.
“Do you want to go see a movie or something, later?” She asked before he had time to think of something that would involve more talking.
Out of the corner of her eye she saw Kelly shift in his chair, he didn’t like the idea, but he wasn’t going to say anything about it.
“That sounds pretty great actually.” Logan was smiling, “There’s some good ones that I’ve been meaning to see.”
“Great.” Rachel offered a fresh smile to match his, to make it look it like she wasn't ditching the other two she looked around the table, “How about it, guys? Wanna see a movie?”
Ethan shrugged and shook his head, “Nah, I gotta work on the van.”
Rachel looked at Kelly, daring him to agree to it, daring him to call her bluff. He stared back with those green eyes of his and smirked, “Nope. You guys have fun on your date though.”
He stood, his plate of food barely touched, “I’m not feeling so well.”
Rachel swallowed, he was upset now. More than he had been last night but that meant he was going to give her some space and that’s all she really wanted.
“Well, I think I’ll go get some chores done before we take off.” Rachel stood as well and looked at Ethan and Logan who were still eating, “I’ll see you guys later.”
She passed Kelly in the kitchen on her way to her room and almost paused, wanting to tell him it wasn’t him that was driving her away. It really wasn’t. It was everything he represented. It was everything she was trying to forget.
“I’m not going to give up.” Kelly said to her retreating back. “I know what you’re doing and I want you to know, it’s not going to work.”
Rachel closed her eyes and stopped at the base of the stairs. “It has to work, Kelly.”
And that was the final truth she had left inside of her. It had to work. Because of everything, he had to forget her.
“But what if I said no? What if I didn’t let you make all the hard decisions anymore?” Kelly asked, his voice softer than it had been in a long time.
Rachel pushed down the guilt that was forcing betraying tears to well up in her eyes. She couldn’t feel this way. She shouldn’t feel this way, “Just go away, Kelly.”
Chapter Seven
Phillips Academy
Charleston, West Virginia
October 1st, 2008
Rachel
It had been one month since Jefferson had kissed her in his car. One month and still he had yet to say anything about it. She had gone on other dates with Ryan and they had even managed to have that awkward talk of whether or not they were exclusively dating one another.
She had all but tried to forget about the strange kiss that night following Jefferson’s fight with the man Rachel only knew as ‘Kelly’, but sometimes, she would catch Jefferson looking at her, and she knew he was thinking about it.
But really what could be said? She was with Ryan now and she liked it that way. And from what she could tell Jefferson and Melody seemed to be hitting it off just fine.
On that afternoon, Rachel was sitting on the park bench that was placed between the admissions building and the English department. She had always enjoyed the spot, more so than the other scenic areas at Phillips.
The bench was made out of a white marble, freckled with black specks and was shaded by two large oak trees that had to be older than the college itself. Her ankles were crossed and she was reading her advanced intro to psychology to pass the time. She was already ahead of the class in leaps and bounds, but it never hurt anything to gain more ground, it just meant more time later to do other things.
Ryan had told her he would be busy for most of the day, spending it with his cousin, and Melody and Jefferson had taken a day trip to the neighboring town to do a little shopping and sightseeing, leaving Rachel completely on her own.
Rachel couldn’t complain; she preferred it this way. When she was on her own, the only person she had to worry about was herself and it felt nice, like a weight was lifted from her shoulders for the time being.
The painful knot in her abdomen had even subsided. A self-diagnosed ulcer, Rachel had decided to deal with it in a more natural manner, one that wouldn’t require her to fill a subscription.
So, every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, Rachel awoke at four a.m. to attend her five o’clock yoga class. The yogi, Miss Teller, was a wonderful, thin woman who also held Holistic Health seminars every other Saturday in the park. She had told Rachel that most stress came from bad energy in the body and could be expelled through basic yoga techniques designed to heal and strengthen the human form.
Rachel wasn’t sure how much she subscribed to Teller’s beliefs, but she had to admit, it did help, not a lot, but enough.
She had pulled her light hair into a bun at the base of her neck, held in place by pearl-ended pins; one strand of hair was left out, a small golden curl that framed the left side of her face.
She turned the page and the breeze that brought a promise of autumn brushed the curl across her face in a slow dance.
She loved moments like these at Phillips. Moments where she didn’t have to worry about anything or anyone and all she had to do was just exist. It was the easiest form of satisfaction she had ever experienced and she thoroughly relished in the time she spent alone.
But all good things were fleeting and soon, Rachel found that she was no longer alone on the bench.
The spot next to her had been occupied by a young man that Rachel didn’t recognize as anyone from any of her classes, but yet, he sat next to her as if he had known her for years.
“Nice day out.” He pointed out, while lighting a cigarette.
Rachel didn’t look up from her book as the pungent odor of cigarette smoke filled her sinuses and made her want to cough. She abhorred smoking. It was a filthy habit for people who had made poor life choices. “Well, it was.”
She knew the line wasn’t the most pleasant thing she could have said, but he was invading her personal space, ruining her calm and quiet with his obnoxious poisonous smoke.
Her eyes shifted over and noted his shoes, brown leather lace ups, a vintage of she didn’t know what year, but they had to be older than the person wearing them.
She wanted to look at him, just to see what he was doing, but she kept her head down, her eyes on her book, shutting him out.
“Hey, you’re Rachel Gunn, aren’t you?” He hid the statement like a question, and she heard him take another drag.
“You don’t miss much, do you?” She refused to look up, her tone dripping with sarcasm. She just about had had enough of the smoke blowing in her face and was about to leave. Chased away from her favorite spot by a clown, what a shame, it was looking like it was going be such a wonderful day.
“Ryan showed me some pictures of you.” The man continued.
That caught Rachel’s attention. Ryan? Was this Ryan’s cousin? If it was, and he was here, then where...
“Where’s Ryan?” Rachel was frowning now as she looked up and into the stranger’s face.
He had bright green eyes dotted with bits of gold and bronze and his face was clean shaven. He didn’t look at all like she had pictured him, he almost seemed halfway decent.
“He said he had to run some errands with Jefferson.” The man was shrugging, “Don’t really know, to tell you the truth.”
This made Rachel’s frown deepen. “But I thought Jefferson was with Melody for the day?”
She received another shrug as an answer.
He flicked the remainder of the butt from his cigarette across the sidewalk and leaned back into the stone, relaxing.
Rachel blinked at him and then set down her book. Slowly, methodically, she placed it in her book bag and made sure all of her things were in order. Once satisfied everything was in its place she got up and pulled a napkin out of a side pocket.
Slinging the book bag around one shoulder she walked across the sidewalk and bent down. Napkin protecting her fingertips, Rachel gingerly picked up the cigarette and wrapped it completely in the napkin. Walking back over to the man on the bench she held out her hand. “I believe this is yours.”
His smile was crooked and he took the small bundle, “Thanks, I guess.”
“You’re welcome.” Rachel’s voice was cold and flat, she sat back down on the bench, curious of Ryan’s cousin and why Ryan wasn’t with him.
“I’m Kelly, by the way.” He lit another cigarette and glanced at Rachel, gauging her reaction.
Rachel could feel her heartbeat quicken as she put two and two together. He was thee Kelly. The one Jefferson had asked her not to speak to. The one that had punched Jefferson in the face.
Rachel swallowed, “Oh? That’s a very interesting name for a boy.” Trying to push past the fact that her hands had become cold and clammy.
Kelly shrugged, “It’s a family name.”
“Are the Prescotts big on family traditions?” Rachel tried to find her voice while also thinking of a way to get away before anyone saw her talking to him.
“I’m not a Prescott.” Kelly replied with a snort, “I’m a Hill. We’re from the shunned side.”
Rachel frowned, “Shunned? That's gotta be tough.”
“It would be if it mattered.” Kelly finished off his second cigarette and put the spent butt in the napkin she had handed him.
Rachel felt herself nodding, she understood him in a way she couldn’t quite explain. It is difficult going unaccepted, but then again, it wouldn’t be if it didn’t matter. “I wish I could care less about things like that.”
“You?” Kelly lifted an eyebrow looking at her, “You don’t think people like you?”
Rachel shrugged, unsure why she was opening up to this person that she wasn’t even supposed to be talking to. There was something about his honesty that made her feel comfortable. A rare feeling in Rachel’s world. “I mean, they do. As long as I can be who they expect.”
“You shouldn’t have to live for other peoples’ validation.” Kelly said rather pointedly.
Rachel gave him a sad smile, “It’s not that simple.”
“Listen, I can promise you that I’ll like you just the way you are.” Kelly was joking with her, but she could feel the sincerity in his words. “You don’t have to be any certain way. Just remember that any time you come back to this bench. There’s someone out there who doesn’t care.”
Rachel laughed, “Well thanks, I guess.”
“Anytime.” He winked at her.
Rachel laughed at him and looked at the time on her watch. She didn’t need to be anywhere in particular, but she knew she shouldn’t be talking to Kelly, let alone enjoying his company. “I um…” She trailed off, not wanting to leave, but knowing she had to.
“I get it.” Kelly was smirking again, “I know you’re friends with Jefferson, I know what that’s like. You can get out of here if you want.”
“It’s not that.” Rachel tried to defend herself even though he was right, “I have a lot of studying I have to do.”
“So people will like you?” Kelly’s question was more of a statement, hanging in the air for the whole world to see.
“So people will like me.” Rachel confirmed, that same sad smile gracing her face. “But it was nice meeting you, Kelly.”
“Don’t forget, Rachel Gunn, this bench. There’s always someone out there for you.” Kelly answered, refusing to say goodbye.
Agoura Hills, California
June 9th 2010
Rachel
Rachel sat across from Logan, her hands resting lightly on the table, her mind already decided on what items from menu were acceptable to her palette.
The movie had been alright, as far as the standards for action movies went. There was a bare-bones plot, a well-defined hero, a poorly defined bad guy, and lots of explosions.
Only once did Logan try to do anything that would resemble a date and that was when he demanded to pay for her movie ticket. Which Rachel quickly made up for by forcing her hand and purchasing the popcorn. Now, they sat in a small corner booth in a diner that she had never really noticed before while Logan was intent on starting a conversation with her.
She concentrated more on his words than on the red vinyl of the booth sticking to the bottom of her thighs and tried hard to look like she was interested in discussing the finer points of the film they had just witnessed.
“I mean, if you really think about, it’s an honest look at our society as whole, I mean, existentially.” Logan was sipping from the straw of his soda he ordered and Rachel wondered if he actually heard the words coming out of his mouth.
“Existentially?” Rachel raised an eyebrow, “How so?”
Logan cleared his throat, getting ready to launch into some sort of well-meant diatribe but instead laughed at himself.
“I’m sorry; I’m being weird aren’t I?” His blue eyes sparkled from his inner humor and Rachel had to smile back. He sure wasn’t as smart as Ryan, but he was just as nice. And he seemed earnest enough. She wanted to give him an honest chance, but she knew sooner or later, her own prejudice would get the better her. Thus was the curse of being a Phillips girl. Except, she had to stop herself, she wasn’t a Phillips girl anymore.
“It’s alright, we can talk about the movie.” She wanted to prod him forward, to make sure he enjoyed himself on this date that wasn’t a date. He was a nice person; he deserved to have a nice time.
“No no,” Logan nodded, “Kelly said you didn’t like movies anyways. Let’s talk about something else.”
Rachel felt her brow furrow; she was still supposed to be pretending like she didn’t know Kelly. “What would Kelly know?”
Logan’s facial expression changed to one of general confusion, “Well, you guys do know each other, don’t you?”
Rachel shrugged, “I guess, I mean, he’s Ryan Prescott’s cousin and Ethan’s friend, but other than that, I wouldn’t say we’re friends.”
Logan nodded, understanding covering the original confusion, “Well, he probably heard something from Ethan.”
The waitress came by at just the right time, stopping the conversation in its tracks and both parties ordered their food.
Again, Rachel noted that Logan didn’t ask for separate checks and so she knew sooner or later she’d have to let him down. This wasn’t a date. This was never going to be a date. She was just out with a friend.
The food came without much mishap, they went back to talking about the movie like it was something special and Rachel was able to relax in the easy atmosphere of the diner.
After a time she even had to concede that Logan had a certain charm about him. He wasn’t her usual type but then again, that never really worked out for her, did it?
An image of Kelly’s face made its way past the walls she had put around to keep it at bay and she felt a shiver run the length of her body.
It was the face of a man more afraid than angry, but make no mistake, the anger was still there. He had been yelling, there was mud splattered across his face, and his jacket was torn.
Rachel inhaled deeply and her right hand slightly adjusted the gold watch on her left wrist, trying to forget.
“Something wrong?” Logan’s concerned tone brought Rachel back to the land of the living and her eyes focused on his.
They were too blue. Too worried.
She fo
rced a smile and tried not to think of Ryan Prescott and his poor decisions. She knew what it would bring up. She knew who it would bring up. And Rachel wanted Jefferson to be the furthest thing from her mind.
“Just a bad memory.” Her mouth responded before she had the time to edit her sentence, before she had time to change it completely into something else, into something that she could call denial.
Logan nodded like he understood, even though Rachel knew he didn’t. The only people that understood were the only ones who had been there, and they all were all long gone, all except for the albatross around her neck, holding camp at her home.
Melody hadn’t even tried to contact her again after, but then again, a phone did work both ways.
“Listen, Rachel, I want to tell you something, but I don’t want you to get mad, okay?” Logan sounded like a ten year old that was about to tell on himself because he couldn’t hold in the guilt anymore.
Rachel shifted in the booth and swallowed, “Alright, what is it?”
“Promise you won’t get mad?” Logan was looking at her like she already was, like he knew that what he was about to say wasn’t what he was really supposed to say, like it wasn’t his secret to share.
Rachel felt curious now, the anxious pit in the bottom of her stomach growling for more information about what Logan was about to spill. Her hand lingered on her watch and she nodded, “Promise.”
She saw Logan pause; she could practically feel the sweat accumulating on his palms, the hair on the back of his neck tingling while he considered his words carefully.
“Kelly told us everything, so I mean, you don’t have to act like it’s no big.” Logan swallowed nervous spit and Rachel watched his Adam’s apple bob, unsure of how to proceed.
Kelly told them what exactly? Rachel knew she was frowning, she couldn’t help herself. Her brain was stuck on the moment.
Logan took a sip of his soda and tried to push past the frozen state he had put Rachel in, tried to restart the conversation but Rachel wasn’t listening anymore.
