by Laura Gibson
She didn’t have the words that he needed to hear. She couldn’t find the voice that she had used to hide from so many people what Logan was now hinting at.
And all for what? Because of what Kelly had said? Because Kelly couldn’t keep a secret even if it killed him? And it would, Rachel had no doubts about it. This secret would ruin him.
Rachel thought of all the different times she had looked at Kelly, at the different moments she had interacted with him. He had always come off as slightly peculiar, but never once had he made it seem like he had let the cat out of the bag a long time ago.
Finally, Rachel found that mask, the one she had crafted so carefully out of her own skin. She let a smile turn up the corner of her lips and she felt her eyes soften, “What did Kelly say?”
Logan shrugged, giving into her charade of ease, “Just that you had some hard times at Phillips and you got into some trouble.”
Rachel’s stomach settled, that sounded about right, exactly what everyone else knew.
She did have some hard times at Phillips and she did get into trouble because of it, but Logan made it seem so much easier than that. Of course, he didn’t have the scar two inches below his heart as reminder of everything that happened.
“Yeah that’s about right.” Rachel smoothed the bottom of her dress and laughed a little.
“So I mean, if you ever want to talk about it, I’m a pretty good listener.” Logan offered, being too nice again.
“Thanks, but no thanks.” Rachel replied, “I’m just trying to move on with my life.”
Logan nodded, “Gotcha.”
They finished their lunch by sharing humorous stories about Ethan and when it was time to pick up the check Logan let her.
Rachel knew from now on she’d have to be very careful about what she let slip around Logan and Ethan. Right now, Logan might not know anything, but if she kept this up, he might put two and two together and see Rachel in a new light.
Rachel followed Logan out into the afternoon sun, hoping he would just drop the whole thing completely.
Rachel shivered. She knew if she tried, she could remember every gritty little detail. But that was a door she had closed a long time ago. Closed not only for her safety, but for him as well. Wasn’t that what she had told herself?
Phillips was her home. This would ruin it. This would ruin everything.
The ulcer twisted in Rachel’s abdomen and she unlocked the door to her car, easing her weary body into the driver’s seat.
Phillips was the most important thing in her life; really, it was the only important thing in her life. In a world that had been extremely distant to Rachel, it was the only place that ever made her feel like she belonged. Didn’t that count for something?
When her father’s disappointment was evident and she knew she would never be good enough for her mother, it was Phillips that made her feel better.
It was the sprawling campus, the warm library and the knowledge that no matter what happened, she could always call it home. And now, she knew that she had to protect that home, even if that meant she couldn’t live there anymore.
Because, protecting Phillips was the truest thing she had ever done. And running alongside that was the man that made her feel the same. She’d have to protect him just as much.
The car ride was silent and Rachel was okay with it, she had heard enough of Logan’s chatter and she didn’t know how to talk to him anymore.
He didn’t like reading. He didn’t like psychology, he didn’t have the patience for politics and he cared little for current events.
If Rachel could have just grasped on one thing they shared, one shred of hope then she wouldn’t have called this entire afternoon a wash. But there was literally nothing. Logan was beautiful, but he didn’t have much going on is his head that wasn’t geared towards action movies or video games, both of which Rachel had just heard a surplus about.
She turned into her driveway and noted the familiar body of Kelly Hill, lying on the cement, one arm stretched out and away from him, the other holding a smoldering cigarette to his lips.
Rachel parked the car a few feet away from him but he didn’t look up. She removed the key from the ignition and sat there for a moment, watching Kelly’s habitual smoking.
He would put the cigarette to his mouth, inhale, take the cigarette away, exhale, and then do it all over again, all the while never looking from the sky, never breaking away from the clouds floating overhead.
Logan got out of the car and slammed the door behind him, bringing Rachel out her trance. He turned back and leaned on the window sill, “Thanks for hanging out with me today.”
Rachel smiled at him, knowing he probably wouldn’t be asking her out again anytime soon, “No problem.”
Logan pushed off from the car and loped towards Kelly’s position on the ground, Kelly, who had still yet to move.
“Hey you!” Logan called as he approached his friend, “Where’s Ethan?”
“He’s inside,” Kelly half murmured, just barely audible for Rachel to catch as she remained in her car.
“What’s he doing?” Logan put his hands in his pockets and Rachel could see that he wasn’t going to bring any of what they discussed up to Kelly and she was relieved. Nothing could have been worse than people talking about her, but no one talking to her.
She had worked hard enough as it was just to keep everything at a dull roar when everything imploded on her. And now, she needed to figure out what Kelly said without giving too much away. This was going to take much thought and planning.
“Whatever, I guess.” Kelly didn’t shrug but it was implied in the tone of his voice.
Rachel got out the car and walked towards the two of them, her white heels clicked on the pavement with her even step and the brim of her hat shaded her eyes from the harsh sun, but she squinted anyways.
As she got closer she saw Logan peel away and head for the air conditioned indoors, leaving her and Kelly alone. Part of her was glad to have Logan gone, but the other part, the one that had told her to leave Kelly be, was uncomfortable.
Rachel stood over Kelly about to say hello, but before she could open her mouth he exhaled another cloud of cigarette smoke and Rachel was forced to wave away the toxic air.
“How was your date?” Kelly wasn’t looking at her, but there was a devilish smirk on his face.
“It wasn’t a date.” Rachel defended herself, crossing her arms over her chest.
Kelly laughed, a nice laugh, one that lit up his whole face and made Rachel feel better about their situation, “Are you sure?”
“We just went to get something eat.” Rachel was frowning, something she had done more often since Kelly had gotten into town.
Kelly pulled himself to a sitting position first, finished his cigarette and then stood up completely. “Good.”
“Good?” Rachel put her hands on her hips, “Why is that good?”
Kelly was still smirking, his sunglasses hiding his green eyes, “Because, then I wouldn’t be able to do this.”
His hand snaked around her waist and pulled her close to him. Rachel could smell his soft cologne mixed with the lingering cigarette smoke clinging to his clothes and she had to admit, it wasn’t an unpleasant thing. Their bodies were almost touching now and a part of Rachel felt a pull towards a distant memory.
“No matter what happens, Rachel,” Kelly whispered in her ear, “I’ll be here.”
His breath on her skin set her nerves humming across her body and she tried to wrap his words around her brain. She knew he meant it. He always did, even from the very beginning; he was very good at keeping his promises.
She took a step back, separating them. She wanted to say something, but what? What could she say that would make everything right again? When their entire world was already so broken, how could she fix any of it?
“Kelly,” She began, whispering, her eyes closed, trying to find just the right words.
Gently, Kelly’s lips stopped the movemen
t of her own, pulling her closer to himself and Rachel returned in kind, stepping into the kiss, feeling it feed the truth she was desperately trying to hide from everyone.
She put her hands on either side of his face and felt her fear melt away in the strength of his embrace.
But then the facts of their situation took hold in her gut and she pushed him away, separating their bodies as well as their souls.
“This isn’t right,” She looked down at the ground, “You know this isn’t.”
Kelly was glaring at her then, “Since when do you get to decide my fate?”
Rachel glared back with just as much anger; he knew what was at stake. He knew what she was going through. Why did he have to make it harder on her?
As if to save her, the screen door swung open and Logan and Ethan emerged, allowing Rachel an escape as she made for the house, refusing to look back at Kelly.
Chapter Eight
Phillips Academy
Charleston, West Virginia
October 1st, 2008
Rachel
Rachel didn’t want to look behind her, but at the same time she felt the pull to. Just to look over her shoulder and to see if he was still there, or if he was a figment of her imagination. If she had dreamed up the entire encounter.
She wanted to keep her promise to Jefferson, she really did, but there was just something about Kelly that Rachel couldn’t put her finger on. It made her curious and that was something that had always gotten Rachel into trouble. Her curiosity was insatiable, which was probably why she did so well with her studies. She found subjects that interested her and she would become so enraptured by them nothing could pry her away.
Now, Rachel felt that same hunger towards the enigmatic Kelly Hill. What was it that he and Jefferson seemed to disagree on? And not just disagree, but it had come to violence now. What in the world could have happened that they hated one another so much?
Rachel rolled her head along her shoulders, cracking her neck and sighed. She couldn’t start this, not now. There was so much else that she had to be doing. But still. Her mind lingered on what Kelly had said. He promised that there would always be a place where she could go where none of it mattered.
Maybe that was the idea that was so appealing to her. Not Kelly himself, but the fact that there could be an escape. A place where she could go and she could just be without having to work for the love of everyone around her. Rachel felt an emotional stab as her thoughts lead her down that path.
She always tried to close it, but it never seemed to work. The door always worked its way back open and she was left thinking about the fact that she was nothing if she wasn’t earning something. Everything had to be worked for. In Rachel’s world love was not unconditional and she had gotten used to those terms fairly quickly, but every once in a while, the door would inch open and she would be left staring at the empty space. The nothingness that she was without being able to meet those conditions.
As Rachel reached her dorm she inhaled and pushed the terrible feelings away, knowing they would come back later, but still hoping they would stay hidden deeper this time around.
Entering her room she saw Melody was lying in her own bed, reading a romance novel.
Rachel rolled her eyes and set her book bag on her desk, “I see you’re really expanding your mind.”
“Shhh.” Melody didn’t look away, “I’m getting to the good part.”
“Ugh.” Rachel sat down at her desk and took out the assignments she had already completed, “Gag me.”
Melody set down the book and sat up, “You’re telling me hot pirates aren’t your thing?”
Rachel turned around to look at her roommate and tried to seem as serious as possible, “No, Melody, I’m not interested in a book called ‘The Captain’s Captive.’ I’m sorry, but that just doesn’t sound like something I would like.”
“Honey, pirates are hot.” Melody playfully scolded, laughing.
Rachel rolled her eyes again and decided it was time to change the subject. She still hadn’t gotten Kelly off her mind yet, so she figured, what was the harm in investigating?
“I thought you were supposed to be hanging out with Jefferson today?” She asked as innocently as possible, hoping Melody wouldn’t notice she had ulterior motives.
“Ugh no.” Melody tucked her legs up underneath her body, “He ditched me for a bro date with Ryan.”
Rachel frowned, “Did he say why?”
“Something to do with that loser cousin of Ryan’s.” Melody sounded more annoyed than before.
“Kelly?” Rachel wanted to clarify, knowing full well that was his name. She had been paying very close attention from the beginning.
“That’s the one.” Melody sighed, “I wish he would just go away.”
“That’s a little harsh.” Rachel forced laughter she didn’t feel. She wanted to get to the bottom of this and it seemed like Melody knew more than she was letting on.
“It’s really not if you knew him.” Melody made a sour face, “I mean, really Rachel, if there were any non-hot pirates out there, you know just the ones that burned and plundered, that would be Kelly.”
That time Rachel really did laugh, Melody sure had a way with words sometimes. “But, like, what’s wrong with him?” She was pushing too far and she knew it, but she had to know, it was in her nature.
“You talked to him, didn’t you?” Melody’s eyes were wide as she put two and two together.
“Maybe.” Rachel raised her eyebrows, trying to avoid directly answering, “What if I did?”
“Rachel.” Melody’s voice was serious, “Stay away from him. He’s a creep. Seriously, he starts off all charming and wonderful and the next thing you know, you’re being booked for possession of Mexican black tar heroin and you didn’t even know that was a thing.”
“That sounds very specific.” Rachel replied, almost smiling, wondering if there was a story there or if it was just a joke.
“Yeah, well, Kelly’s a pretty specific dude.” Melody crossed her arms and looked away, “But really, Rach, if I were you, I wouldn’t have anything to do with him. Anyone who hangs out with him either winds up in jail or dead.”
“Have people really died?” Rachel asked, disbelieving, knowing now Melody had to be pulling her leg.
But Melody was still as serious as ever, “Yes Rachel, people have died. He’s not a good person to be hanging around unless you want to get into some messed up shit.”
“Like what?” Rachel was more than mildly curious now. People had died? Why hadn’t she heard about it? Why hadn’t Ryan told her? And Kelly was staying with Ryan’s parents indefinitely, was that really so safe?
“Listen, you don’t want to know.” Melody picked her book back up, “And you’re not going to hear it from me.”
“Come on, Mel, just tell me.” Rachel implored, wanting to know more about Kelly, needing to know more.
“Nope. If you really need to know, you can ask Ryan. He’s the one who probably knows the most.” Melody had opened her book back up and was no longer looking at Rachel. “If you know what’s good for you, you’ll leave Kelly Hill alone.”
Rachel stared at Melody for a little while longer before turning back to her homework. If Melody wasn’t going to tell her she was just going to have to find out from a different source.
Ryan seemed like the next logical step, but she knew he would be less forthcoming than Melody had been and then she would be left with nothing.
There of course was Jefferson, but they hadn’t really spoken since he had kissed her and she wasn’t sure how to approach that subject. No one had ever kissed her before and all she could think about was the fact that his lip had still been bleeding when it happened. Plus she knew she would just get a biased version of the tale. One that would make Jefferson look like the hero.
Rachel had been paying enough attention to know that was how Jefferson liked to play things off. He was always the benevolent hero and others were the crafty, sneaky bad gu
ys.
If she wanted to get the straight story she’d have to play everything very close to her chest and which meant maybe, just maybe, she’d be able to speak to Kelly again.
A thought that excited her more than anything else.
He was an intriguing mystery and she was intent on uncovering his secrets.
Later, Rachel would look back on this moment as the one in which she should just have walked away. Everything could go on as it always had and people would be fine. No one would get hurt and she would have been able to finish her education at Phillips rather than run home and hide in Agoura Hills.
But that’s not the way things worked out and so, all she was ever left with was a memory hanging with regret.
How did a person live with all the things Rachel put in her head? How did they sleep at night?
Always, without fail, at that last thought, Rachel would smile. The answer was simple. They didn’t sleep at night. They couldn’t. Guilt would twist around them and force them to stay awake, shaking from their own fears of everything they had done. Of everything they knew. Because sleep was a kind of forgiveness they didn’t merit and so it evaded them, breaking them, forcing them to look upon their past indiscretions.
Agoura Hills, California
June 9th 2010
Ethan
As Rachel passed Ethan on her way into the house it looked as if she were about to cry. An interesting fact to add to the growing pile of why they had come to California for the summer.
All three of them knew they had come for Rachel. It was Kelly who couldn’t live with the guilt of what had happened at Phillips, but it was Ethan and Logan who wanted to do something about it.
Still, Ethan knew there was more Kelly wasn’t telling them- there was more to the story and he wasn’t sure he wanted to find out.
Kelly stared at Logan and Ethan as they approached him and Ethan wondered what was going on behind that slate of a facial expression. Just what was it about Rachel that made Kelly care?
Kelly didn’t care about anyone, or anything. He kept his thoughts and feelings locked up tight and refused to let anything in, so what made Rachel so special? Just what had happened at Phillips?
