by Laura Gibson
“Well.” Mistress Grear cleared her throat and straightened a stack of papers on her desk, no doubt unsure about what she was going to say.
It was just a sentence. Just a few short words that would seal Rachel’s fate, but it seemed like it took an eternity to pull out of Grear’s mouth.
“You’re expelled from Phillips Academy for the remainder of the year.” She finally managed. “Now, you’re welcome to reapply next year in the fall, but you’ll have to finish your education for this year somewhere else.”
Rachel didn’t say anything. She was upset, sad even, but she knew if she let that show then so much more would be put on the table and that was something she wasn’t willing to risk.
So she kept her mouth shut, she kept her face blank and she concentrated on her steady breathing, hoping it wouldn’t fail her.
The only control she had, after all, was her body and what it could do. It’s all she ever had. And it wouldn’t let her down now. Not this time. Not ever.
Phillips had been her home, and now she was going to protect it. Kelly had been the only person to really show he ever cared about her and she loved him for it. Beautiful messed up Kelly Hill, she loved him more than anything in the world and now she was going to protect him. Because that’s what you did when you loved something. You held it close when you could and you let it go when it was necessary. It would an act of pure selfishness to keep holding onto it like life support.
Rachel wasn’t some leech that sucked not only the blood, but the marrow as well from the bones of her host, she earned her keep. Always. She made herself useful so that she could never be seen as useless. That’s the way it had always been. And now, now she had the option to tell the truth and put Kelly in harm’s way, save her own skin, but ruin the one person that she had ever loved. The only place she had ever felt safe.
She could never do that.
Rachel would go back to her house with her father and she would never return, she would remember Kelly Hill. She wasn’t a pawn in anyone’s plan, and she wasn’t the girl that Jefferson had convinced himself that she was.
Rachel nodded at what Mistress Grear was saying because she wouldn’t contest it. It was a solid choice and she respected the headmistress for making it.
“You’re lucky the Williams aren’t pressing charges.” Grear was going into lecture mode now, as if she still had power over a student she had just gotten rid of.
“I suppose you’re right.” Rachel’s voice felt far away. Her mind was grounded completely in reality, but her voice was somewhere else, dreaming off above the clouds. She knew what was happening, but her vocal chords hadn’t quite caught up yet.
“I still can’t believe you did it.” Grear was saying. “I mean, I thought you and Jefferson were friends.”
Rachel wanted to smile; lots of people had thought that. She had too for what it was worth, but the truth was much more interesting than the charade he had put on for the public, and now, only a handful of people knew. And none of them were talking.
Not Melody and her broken hopes, with her new outlook on the world that had watched her heart swell and soar before it was crippled and dragged down to where the rest of humanity moved on without a second thought.
Not Ryan who refused to speak one word of anything to anyone because of his loyalty to Jefferson.
And certainly not Rachel, who had everything to gain and only one thing to lose if she ever spoke the truth. Not Rachel, who understood while she gave her love freely, to get it in return it had to be bought and paid for in her own actions.
“Well, at least your transcripts are very impressive.” Grear had an air of sadness in her voice as she said this, as if she was disappointed that Rachel was going. As if she wanted the star pupil to be able to stick around. As if she knew a little bit of the hidden truth. “I’ve put in some recommendations for you at some other schools, and most of them sound optimistic to receive you.”
Grear out stretched a hand full of pamphlets to give Rachel who took them in stride, not looking down at the small rays of hope. Things that proved that Grear still believed in her.
“Thank you, but I’ll be completing my schooling at a public school in my district back at home.” There it was, the one dagger that Rachel had afforded herself to throw.
She knew how much Phillips looked down on the public education system in the country and now she was resolving her time to be there, proving once and for all that if she couldn’t be at Phillips, she really didn’t want to start over anywhere else.
Rachel had already called the school in question. Was ready to send over her transcripts. She’d be graduating early, in the winter, just before the spring semester.
She wouldn’t even have to really attend any classes.
With the choice to not let Jefferson hurt Kelly she had decided that her thirst for knowledge had reached a dry well and could no longer be sated. But it was alright. It was worth it.
Grear looked hurt. She knew that she had played a part in this but there was nothing she could do now. She couldn’t back down just as much as Rachel couldn’t. There they sat, daring either one to say something to the contrary.
Rachel swallowed the tears that would never dare to surface and stood, extending a hand, “Thank you, Headmistress Grear, I found my time here truly magnificent.”
Grear stood to meet Rachel and their hands clasped above the center of the desk as the clock timed three, signifying the passing of an hour, the last hour that Rachel could have called herself a Phillips girl. The last moment that she would ever think of herself as such.
“Good luck, Rachel.” Grear meant it, “You were a delight to the school.”
Rachel smiled and blinked once before letting go of Grear’s hand and exiting the office.
She walked out, leaving the door open behind her, not daring to look back, knowing that she had done the right thing, but foreseeing that if she turned now, she would be singing a very different tune. One that would save her ship from drowning.
But not even a pause in her step would that thought be given.
To her right, sat the interesting faces of Melody, Ryan, and Jefferson. All waiting to be called in next. All waiting to hear their fate.
Melody looked away, towards the wall, her small legs crossed, one over the other. Her arms resting in her lap. The swelling on her face had started to go down, but the angry bruises were presenting themselves rather smartly in the harsh lighting of the hallway.
Rachel knew they had to hurt, but she had no reason to ask Melody about it. That wasn’t her right anymore, she had done her part, had protected Melody, protected Kelly, and now she was leaving. But that was alright, wasn’t it? Didn’t this mean everything was going to be okay in the end?
Ryan held his own face in the tips of his fingers as he looked down at his shoes, refusing to look up, knowing what had happened to Rachel, knowing that she didn’t deserve it.
And then, there on the end, sat Jefferson who met her eyes. He was leaning back, giving an air of nonchalance, but Rachel knew it was just a show for everyone sitting around him.
She could see the anger burning behind his hawk-like features, could see the wrath boiling.
Rachel looked straight ahead and knew the smirk on her face was just for him.
She was laughing at him, and she wanted him to know it although, she wasn’t sure why.
Kelly met her on the steps outside; he looked upset, heartbroken even.
“You shouldn’t have to leave.” Kelly was angry, “I’ll go and tell them the truth. I’ll do it right now.”
Rachel shook her head, “Kelly. I’m leaving and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
“But it’s not right!” Kelly was still adamant. “You shouldn’t be punished because Jefferson is a lunatic.”
“Kelly.” Rachel hardened her voice. “I’m going home.”
She grabbed his hand and made him look at her. “I want to go home. I don’t want to be a part of this anymore.”
<
br /> Kelly stared at her for a few seconds before he kissed her, before he pulled her close and made it feel like the rest of the world was somewhere else.
Rachel wanted to cry. She never felt safer than when she was with Kelly, but she had to save him now. Had to return the favor. She couldn’t hold onto him forever.
She pushed him away and blinked back her sorrow, “I’m going home, Kelly. I can’t handle this.”
She left him standing there alone by himself, one hundred percent sure that would be the end of their contact.
And it was. For two years. Until he hopped out of van in a parking lot.
Hartford, Connecticut
August 14th, 2008
Kelly
It was the same duffle bag that it always had been. The green one with the black piping holding the whole thing together. Able to expand and contain his entire life for the time demanded.
One time he had spilled a vanilla milkshake in it, but that didn’t stop him from constantly using it still. Even though now it made all of his clothes smell faintly of vanilla, it was still good. It was still worth it.
Maybe that was half his problem; he always had an issue with throwing things away. An interesting sign his therapist had said, but he didn’t think that it was. Because it wasn’t like he was overly attached to anything else, and that wasn’t even to say he was overly attached to the duffle bag. It was just a bag after all. He didn’t feel like he had to keep it around. He just didn’t see any reason to throw it away.
After all these years, it was still good, and that was more than he could say about a lot of people.
Kelly slowly folded his shirts he planned to take with him when he decided he should live with the Prescotts.
Kelly sighed; he had never really gotten along with Ryan. Sure, they had gone to same preparatory school, it was the school where both their sets of parents had met, but they had nothing in common.
Ryan was more interested in hitting the grade and calling it good, leaving just enough time for extracurricular activities that involved running in one way or another.
Kelly had just never felt like sports were his gig. Nor had school been, so it went without saying that they drifted apart, only to see one another during those family moments where everyone was expecting them to act like best friends. Which they were anything but. If Kelly were asked to describe the relationship he would say it was a slim sliver of an acquaintanceship but no one ever asked and so he never said. He would lean in for the family pictures and he would smile. He would hide the tattoos creeping past the sleeves of his t-shirt and he would pretend like all of this was normal.
Like all of this wasn’t just a show.
Slowly, methodically, Kelly put his shirts into the bag, followed up by his various pairs of jeans. In went the essential items; the toothbrush, the shampoo, everything he would need to survive on his own.
The Prescotts would be busy with their own lives and it would be up to Kelly to entertain himself, which meant that he had the option to skulk around Phillips for a while, looking for Ryan, or sit in the guesthouse for the better part of the day, waiting for someone to suggest they get food.
His phone chirped with the alert of a text message but he didn’t check it. He knew that it would just be a halfhearted response from Ryan about a question he had posed earlier in the day.
Finally his bag was packed and he was ready to go, but he felt anything but. He would very much rather just stay at home in his tiny apartment and remember the good ol’ times without having to spoil them with the new reality of it all.
He wanted to remember Jefferson, not see him.
He was twenty and had really put most things behind him that he didn’t think he’d need to take with him into the future, that included everything had happened with Anna.
Kelly swung the green duffle bag over his shoulder and walked out of the room, making sure to turn off the light before he left. Casimir was already waiting for him downstairs in the car and he knew he was dragging his feet, but he just couldn’t find it in himself to care.
Another chirp from his phone made Kelly finally check on it.
Two text messages. One from Ryan, the other from an unknown number.
Kelly felt his shoulders lift in a heavy sigh of resignation and he deleted it, deciding it was better not to commit to a conversation that he wasn’t ready to have. Isn’t that what life was now? Just a series of commitments strung together, one right after another, and if you let one fall through the cracks, then they all did.
Finally he checked the response from Ryan.
Kelly had sent him a simple enough question, what would they be doing when they hung out? Did Ryan have any plans?
That question took Ryan four hours to respond.
‘Kinda busy with school and girlfriend, but I’ll try to make time,’ was what he gave Kelly to work with. Not really something that made Kelly want to go any more than he already did but he drug his reluctant feet to the car anyways because he didn’t really have a choice. This was just another commitment after all. Just one more commitment.
It would be a few days after this point in time that Kelly’s commitments would change course a ways.
A day Kelly would remember with fondness, always bringing a light smile to his already amused face even if the aftermath clouded his eyes and knit together his dark brow. The first day, in Kelly’s opinion had been the most blessed day of his life. Whatever that meant.
Ryan had shown Kelly a picture of Rachel, if only for the reason to prove to Kelly that he could get a proper girlfriend and Kelly was stunned. At least, stunned was the term he had used later on when he was rethinking the moment.
Ryan had told him that Rachel was quite the ideal girlfriend, good grades, good family, everything that his parents wanted him to have, not to mention on the higher end of the attractive scale.
Kelly had asked Ryan if he liked Rachel, or if he was just with her because he knew it was what was expected.
Ryan’s facial expression darkened and he didn’t say much after that on the subject and so, Kelly resigned to believe that he struck a nerve, changed the subject, but never really letting himself forget about the girl Ryan was dating.
That night Kelly made it his mission to find out why this girl who had her head on straight, wanted to be with his cousin who was more of an asshat than some of the other people that Kelly just didn’t associate with. She wasn’t just another commitment in a string of commitments, she was an idea. A thought in the back of his mind that he thought wasn’t possible.
Kelly found her interesting and that was the long and short of it. Interesting.
So he wandered the campus of Phillips until he actually got to meet her. She was sitting on a marble bench with her yellow hair pulled back into a bun. A lone curl hung down and framed the side of her face like it knew that if someone were to look at her, this would be the best angle.
He almost didn’t approach her. He almost felt nervous. But in the end, with the help of a lit cigarette to calm his nerves he sat down next to her.
And that was how he had met Rachel Gunn, and he knew, from that day forward that his life would never be the same again. Not because she was gorgeous or because he liked the way her lips formed her words before she said them, or the sound of her voice that seemed more peaceful than he thought was possible, but because she was interesting.
There was something in her eyes that made him know, deep in his gut, that she was a person of art and he was determined to know her.
Phillips Academy
Charleston, West Virginia
June 16th, 2010
Rachel
Rachel ran to the where the shot had rang off, expecting the absolute worst. Either Kelly had killed Jefferson or Jefferson had killed Kelly. It was just that simple.
She had tried so hard for so long to just keep Kelly alive and now he was throwing himself to wolves. The idiot, when she got a hold of him she would strangle him.
She rounded the co
rner with the first of the runners, right after Ryan arrived and was surprised to see that both Jefferson and Kelly were still alive. Although one of them was a little worse for wear.
As more people came round, Kelly dropped his gun and raised his hands in the air. He placed them on his head and fell to his knees, ready to be taken into custody.
Jefferson was clutching his shoulder while blood oozed out between his fingertips.
The entire world stopped as Rachel looked at Kelly and knew then that she was never able to save him. He was a man at the end of his rope and she wasn’t sure if he was willing to crawl back up.
A face in the crowd triggered a memory from a night long passed, a face on a photograph. Casimir.
With his too long neck and his curly black hair he was terrifying in real life and he was just looking at her like he understood her very thoughts.
They were just children playing at war after all. They knew nothing of true conflict and now it was knocking at their door.
Rachel swallowed and stared back at him, holding eye contact until he turned on his heel and walked away, hands in the pockets of his black trench coat, streaming out behind him.
Casimir. The Devil.
D'yavol.
Epilogue
Charleston, West Virginia
June 26th, 2010
Jefferson
Jefferson sat across the table from Rachel and sniffed. His shoulder hurt more than he wanted to admit, but he didn’t feel like popping another pain killer. Rather have the pain than be reminded later that it was there.
“So. Kelly shoots me, and you want me to drop the charges against him?” Jefferson sipped his cup of coffee. “That’s mighty bold of you, don’t you think?”
Rachel stared at him without saying anything, without giving anything away. If she had spoken to Casimir, she wasn’t showing signs of it.
