Causing Heartbreak

by Regina Bartley

  Copyright

  Copyright © 2014 Regina Bartley

  All rights reserved

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any similarity between actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Any use of locales or events are used fictitiously.

  Edited By: Laura Hampton

  Cover Design By: Regina Bartley

  Cover Photo: pio3

  Formatting By: EmCat Designs

  For the broken hearted girl.

  The pain won’t last forever.

  “I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.” WREN STOPPED me at the front door as I was leaving. Talking was out of the question. I hadn’t slept in days. I had some place to be, and it wasn’t there.

  “Not now, Wren.”

  “It’s important Dane. I need to talk to you now.” She followed me down the steps and towards my car.

  “It can wait.” I opened the car door and started to get inside.

  Just as the door was shutting, I heard her say, “I’m pregnant.”

  When I looked back at where she stood, I saw a serious look in her eyes. My head was already jumbled with everything that was going on. I hadn’t been able to deal with finding out that the people I’d thought were my parents weren’t. It had been weeks now, and I still couldn’t get past it. The damn pills weren’t killing the pain, and now this. My freaking head couldn’t take anymore shit.

  “You sure it’s mine.” You could never be too sure about these things. The only time we’d slept together was at that party. That was months ago. My hands clenched hard against the steering wheel. I rocked back and forth in the seat. When I looked back at her, she had tears running down her face.

  “What did I ever see in you?” She dropped her chin to her chest. My eyes scanned her body until they landed on her stomach. I could plainly see it. Her stomach was clearly sticking out under her shirt.

  “I’m trying to figure that out myself.” I stared at her once again willing her to say something. I knew she wouldn’t though. She knows as well as I do that I am a piece of crap that not even the dogs would take a second look at. I didn’t need this crap. Not now, not ever. If she was expecting me to act like this was great news and that I should be forever excited, then she truly didn’t know me at all. Just add this effing great news to all the others. My life was a bowl of fucking cherries.

  “Are we through?” I snapped at her.

  She glanced up at me once more and I watched a single tear slide down her pale white face, but I didn’t let it get to me. It was about time someone felt as broken as I did. Why did I always have to be the one to suffer?

  “A small part of me expected you to react different. I wanted you to care about one little thing in your miserable fucked up world Dane.” She swiped her hand across her cheek. “If your own child can’t make you care, then I don’t know what else will.”

  I huffed out a breath and smirked in her direction. “I still don’t even know if the kid your packing is mine.” I barked but didn’t look in her direction. I knew I was hitting below the belt, but I wanted her off my ass.

  “Go to hell.” She stomped off towards the house.

  Funny that’s the exact place I was headed.

  I started the car and backed out of the drive. My eyes followed her as she quickly made her way inside the house. Good Wren. Runaway. You don’t need someone like me in your life.

  I stood there in front of the grave of the people I thought were my parents. The ones who’d spent their whole life telling me they were. The realization was that every piece of my life up until this point had been a lie. Parents… What fucking parents? The feeling in the pit of my stomach made me want to claw out my insides. It was creeping up my throat and it felt like I could vomit up everything inside.

  Make it go away. I let my lips linger on the glass bottle before turning it up again. The burn of the alcohol wasn’t helping the pain in my chest. Neither were the two pink pills I swallowed over an hour ago to kill the pain. They used to help. They used to make every conscious thought and abrasive feeling go away. Not this day. First my parents and now Wren. I can’t imagine that anyone would want me to be the father of their baby. I don’t know how to be a dad. Now looking back, I realize I never had one, so this baby would be just fine if it didn’t have one either. Better none, than some phony. No one wants a man saying, “I love you son,” if he obviously didn’t mean it.

  I blamed everyone. When Sawyer said she needed to talk, this wasn’t the conversation that I was expecting. I would never have expected this, in a million years. How is it possible that I didn’t know that these people were my parents? Looking back now, I realize that I shared no physical traits with them. I am the tallest one of the family, and I have blue eyes. Fucking blue eyes. Not brown. Ugh… All lies.

  You can’t make this shit up. Poor Sawyer didn’t want to tell me, and I couldn’t blame her. It wasn’t her secret to tell. She was just trying to help, and I flipped my shit when she told me. I called her a liar. “Oh God, I called her a liar.”

  I pinched the bridge of my nose to hold back the tears, but it was no use. There was no fighting this pain. With enough alcohol, it would all go away. Wouldn’t it?

  I slammed the bottle down on the edge of the headstone and watched it shatter into a million tiny pieces. I picked up the full bottle next to my feet and opened the top. I put the rim to my lips and tipped it back, welcoming the burn once again.

  “Why,” I stared at the stone, willing it to say something anything. Nothing but silence answered me back. It pissed me off even more. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you let me believe this stupid lie my whole life? Why didn’t you trust me enough to tell me the truth? Why did you die? Why do I still love you? WHY?” I screamed just before I dropped to my knees. I rocked back and forth before resting my head on the ground. My eyes were shut tightly, but the tears still fell. I could almost hear my mother’s voice, urgent and clipped telling me to straighten the hell up. But how could she expect that from me, she wasn’t even my mother.

  I reached in my pocket and pulled out another pill. The pain had to stop. I washed it down with the whiskey and laid down on the cold ground. The earth was spinning, and I just wanted it to stop. Closing my eyes, I rested my arm across my face. Flashes of mom, dad, and a pregnant crying Wren were wracking my brain. Over and over.

  Finally, I could feel the fuzziness from the pills or the alcohol. My fingers went numb first, and I took a deep breath and I could feel the air entering my body and leaving. The silence of my breathing calmed me and I wanted to just drift off to sleep and let it consume me completely.

  I CLENCHED THE PILLOW AS TIGHT AS I COULD to my face to muffle my cries, but it was no use. I wanted to regret ever having feelings for Dane, buy I couldn’t. The baby was going to be my living, breathing reminder. A little piece of him that I’d never in a million years regret. Despite the fact that Dane was the mother load of all ass-holes.

  The tears kept falling as I gently rubbed my hand over my growing belly. Was it possible to already love it so much even if I hadn’t seen its face or touched its small hands. This was real love. The unconditional kind.

  A light knock on my door caused me to jump. I knew it was my mom. She was always worried sick about me. Instead of staying with Sawyer, I drove all the way back home after seeing Dane. Crying the entire way. I couldn’t stay around and wait for him to come back just so that he could hurt me even more. Mom didn’t say a word when I walked through the door. She didn’t have to. The constant hurt on my face spoke volumes.

  “Honey, its mom. Can I come in?” She said from the other side of my bedroom door.

  “
Yeah,” I straightened up in my bed and wiped my eyes, but it was no use trying to make myself presentable.

  “How you feeling?” She asked. I shrugged. Not exactly sure. She sat my purse on my bed. “You left your bag downstairs and your cell phone has rang about twenty times.”

  I didn’t even bother looking at it. “It’s probably Sawyer. I’m sure she’s just worried about me. I’ll call her later.” I tucked my legs under me and leaned back against the wooden headboard.

  “Okay,” she sat down on the edge of the bed and patted my legs. “You want to talk.”

  Did I? I heaved a sigh, not sure if I was ready to talk about it. My parents already thought Dane was the farthest thing from right for me. It was no secret. If I told her what he said then, she’d hate him for sure. I couldn’t do that.

  “You don’t have to.” She reached around me and pulled me close, hugging me tightly. She knew that I was telling Dane about the baby today. Of course, now she knew just how badly it went. “Your father and I are here for you no matter what. He’ll come around sweetie.” I knew that she was talking about Dane, but honestly I wasn’t sure if she meant it or she was just trying to make me feel better. She gently rubbed my hair, combing her fingers through every long strand. “Can I ask you something?”

  I pulled away and looked at her, nodding for her to continue.

  “I know that you’ve been infatuated with that boy since you were a little girl. But can you honestly say that you love him. I mean, you’ve never even given yourself a chance to love anyone else. Maybe it’s not love. Maybe it’s just the idea of love that you’re holding onto.”

  “No,” I cried. “I do love him. I do.” I covered my face with my hands and cried. Didn’t I love him? I did. Right?

  “Okay, I’m sorry.” She held me again. “I’m just worried that’s all. Classes start back on Monday and maybe school will help you take your mind off of everything.” The thought of classes exhausted me. Imagine the way everyone will look at me as I waddle my way through campus. I didn’t want to think about it.

  “Maybe.” I half smiled trying to reassure her in some way. Although I felt like I was the one that needed reassuring.

  I heard my phone ringing again from inside my purse. There was no way I was talking to anyone. I shoved my purse with the heel of my foot and pushed the whole thing off the bed. Mom laughed and I shrugged my shoulders.

  “I’m going to take a little nap before dinner,” I said, slumping myself down on the bed and snuggling back up with my pillow.

  “That fine sweetie. I’ll wake you up when the food is ready.” She kissed my forehead gently and pulled my covers up over me, just like she used to do when I was little. The light switched off and I heard the door close behind her. Finally, alone, I could go back to sulking. It wasn’t fair that my college life was going to be spent with swollen ankles, hemorrhoids, and maternity jeans. It was my fault though, and I had to make the best of it. No parties or drinking, and no guys. Not that I wanted any other guys, but if I did they wouldn’t even give me a second glance now. Not with all these hips and cankles.

  I closed my eyes tight. I’d been so tired lately and after crying so much today I was exhausted. Sleep couldn’t come soon enough.

  “Wake up baby.” I heard mom’s voice, but I couldn’t pry my eyes open. I felt like I’d fallen asleep only minutes ago. “Wren wake up. There’s been an accident.”

  My eyes flew open and I sat up so quickly that it made me dizzy. “What’s going on?” I slung my legs over the side of the bed.

  “Sawyer called the house. She said that Dane’s in the hospital.”

  “What!’ I stood up losing my footing and nearly toppling over. “What happened? Is he okay?” I quickly looked around for my shoes.

  “I think he’s okay. She didn’t know much. Apparently she found him passed out at his parent’s grave. She said that he had mixed prescription pain killers with alcohol and they had to pump his stomach. Apparently there was a lethal amount of drugs in his system.”

  “Oh no,” my hands flew up to my face and I backed up to my bed sitting down slowly. “Why would he do that?” I said through my strangled cries.

  “I don’t know, but Sawyers really worried.”

  “I have to go to her. I have to go to Dane.” I swiped my fingers under my eyes hoping to remove all the mascara that was probably running down my face. I looked up at mom who nodded in understanding.

  She walked over beside me. “Do you want me to drive you?”

  “No,” I shook my head. I reached across the floor and grabbed my purse off the ground. Quick to toss in everything that tumbled out earlier. “I’ll be fine. I’ll call you when I get there.”

  “Okay honey, be careful.” She rubbed my forearm lightly.

  “I will.” I bit my lip to keep from crying again. “Just pray that he’s okay mom.”

  “Of course.”

  I nearly ran out of the house with my cell in hand. Searching through the contacts on my phone, I finally found Sawyers number. I pressed send and waited for her to pick up. I buckled my seat belt with my phone still attached to my ear. “Pick up Sawyer.” But she didn’t. Her voicemail picked up after three or four rings, but I didn’t leave a message. I’d just have to wait until I got there before I could talk to her.

  I couldn’t believe this was happening. How could he be so stupid? I slammed my hands down on the steering wheel. I pulled out of the driveway heading straight for the interstate.

  After about five minutes on the road, I realized that I should have let my mom take me. I was in no shape to drive, and without knowing anything at all, I was doing nothing but worrying.

  I rolled the window down to get some fresh air when I heard my phone ringing from my purse. I reached for it and answered just as it was about to hang up.

  “Hello,” I said.

  “Wren,” Sawyer cried into the phone.

  “Sawyer are you okay. What is it?” Her cries were scaring me and I could feel my hands start to tremble against the wheel. I couldn’t drive. Not like that. I had to pull over on the side of the road. She was trying to speak through her cries, but I couldn’t make out a word of what she was saying. “I can’t understand you Sawyer,” I spoke into the phone, but I don’t know if she heard a word I was saying. I was thinking the worst and my heart was beating so hard that I could hear it, and breaths were so short that I felt like I was barely breathing. “Where’s Travis. Put Travis on the phone Sawyer.” I was seconds away from a full blown panic attack, and someone needed to start talking fast.

  “Hello,” Travis’s voice came on the other end of the line.

  “Travis,” the words barely left my mouth. I was trying hard to keep it together.

  “I’m sorry Wren. He’s gone.” I felt my phone land between my thighs, as it dropped from my hand. Those two little words made my whole world crumble to the ground; right there on the side of the highway.

  The foreign screams that filled the car were mine. I couldn’t stop. They were escaping my mouth as if I were merely just breathing.

  “He’s gone,” I repeated those two words over and over, but it didn’t change it. He was really gone. I rocked back and forth in my seat, praying that it was all a lie. But I knew it wasn’t.

  He left me.

  Alone.

  The panic set in, and I was freaking out. I could feel the sweat beading up along my face. I was going to be sick.

  I threw open the car door and jumped out. My body was heaving, and I needed to throw up. I dropped to my knees behind the car and emptied my stomach right there on the side of the highway. The broken gravel pressed hard into my knees, and I silently wished it would hurt worse. Anything to get rid of this ache.

  I don’t know how long I was kneeled there. Cars were honking as they sped by. No matter, I still couldn’t move. My body felt numb, and I just wanted the pain to go away.

  When I felt like there was nothing left inside of me to come up, I stood slowly. My body was moving
faster than my mind. I remember once someone told me that when you were having an out of body experience that it felt like your mind and body were moving against one another. As if your mind was slow enough to stand there and watch. That’s exactly how I felt. I wished that I could put my mind back to that morning when I still had Dane. When he was still alive and breathing. I would have given anything for that.

  I sat back down in the driver’s seat and reached for my phone. Already Sawyer’s number had tried to call me twice, but there was no way I could talk to her. The tears fell again, just thinking about her. She had officially lost everybody. No parent’s and now, no brother.

  “Oh God,” I sobbed hard into my hands.

  I frantically dialed home. “Hello,” my mom answered quickly.

  “Mom,” I could barely speak.

  “What is it baby? Are you okay?”

  “No,” I cried again. The words –Are you okay, always made things worse. She asked what happened, but I couldn’t say it. I would never be able to get the words to leave my mouth again.

  “Where are you?” She asked.

  “Highway 60.” I sniffed, wiping my face with my clean sleeve. “Come get me.” I leaned my head over and cried, not caring anymore about what she said or if she was even still on the phone. The only thought that came to my mind was the baby.

  My baby.

  Our baby.

  And how it would never meet its father.

  DAYS HAD PASSED. TWO DAYS TO be exact. Forty-eight, long, heart-wrenching hours. I’ve just been going through the motions. Out of bed, in the shower, mom forcing me to eat. It’s the same tired routine. I tried to call Sawyer once, but neither of us could speak without crying so we gave up. This day would be the worst one yet. The day of the funeral. I begged my mom like a four-year-old child not to make me go. She said I’d regret it. She said that I should see him one last time. What was the use? He wasn’t going to open his eyes, or touch my hand, or even yell at me. He would just be lying there looking like a shell of himself.