Chapter 6
Shaken Faith
It had been almost two weeks since I had left the hospital and Pete hadn’t returned. I couldn’t be mad at him too much, but boy was I angry with God. My sadness had turned to bitterness as I processed the fact that Pete had died. How could God do this to me? I asked this of myself often. I didn’t speak about it to anyone, and I tried to hide the emotions from my children. I still said prayers with them at night, but I felt a lack of reverence on my part. I prayed as I would talk to a family member that I was mad at when trying to conceal my anger. I just felt let down by God. That was the second Sunday since being home and the second Sunday that I didn’t go to church. My mother was staying with me, so she took the children with her to mass. My children just thought I wasn’t feeling well.
Linda arrived at my house that day knowing I did not go to church. The children were outside playing. Jacob was still on the quiet side but seemed to loosen up when Jesse was with him. Thankfully, Linda lived right around the corner, and all of this transpired during summer break. She brought Jesse over almost daily. And when she didn’t, Jacob would go over to her house.
“So, no church today? What, did the building burn down?”
“It may as well have. There’s no point.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Why would God do this to me? I’ve been doing what he wants all my life. I don’t deserve this.”
“Stop it, Catherine. You have always held strong to your faith, preaching for others to put their trust in him, and here you are blaming him for what happened to Pete.”
“Well, why didn’t he keep Pete safe? Yeah, that’s my God. I pray each night that Pete stays safe over there, and look. What are prayers for?”
“You know Catherine, you are a hypocrite. Why do you think you are so much better and worthy than others? What, do you think God loves you better than everyone; that you should have a legion of angels surrounding you and your family at all times? Get over yourself.”
“Linda.”
I was astonished that she would say that to me with such sarcasm. Sure, she always spoke her mind freely, but she was being very harsh. I knew then how much she loved me and would do anything for me. And if it took a good yelling to make me see the light, then I guess that’s just what she had to do.
“No, I mean it. How come when tragedy strikes others you don’t lose your faith? Instead, you try to comfort others by telling them that God will take care of them and that God won’t give you more than you can handle. What happened to that? Why is it okay for others to suffer a loss and not you?”
“It’s not like that Linda. I just can’t handle this.”
“But you are handling this. Okay, you had a momentary lapse when you put yourself in a selfish coma, but that’s because you had yourself believing you couldn’t live without Pete. You depended on him like you should instead be depending on God. Look, I’m not pretending to know all about your faith and religious beliefs. You know I am far from being religious. But you are acting opposite from what you believe. Pete was not God, he was your husband. God is the one you can’t live without. You are handling this without Pete.”
“No, I’m not. That’s my point. I only came to because Pete was there to help me. He talked me out of the coma.”
“Oh, please, that was a dream. Yes, a powerful one but still a dream.”
“What about when he came to me the morning the marines showed up to tell me he was dead?”
“You were sleeping, dreaming.”
“Oh, now I’m a liar. Why won’t you believe me?”
“Okay, okay. Let’s say that allowing Pete to help you is your way of handling this. Okay, I’ll accept that. But girl, you need to learn to depend on yourself. Pete won’t always be here for you but God will.”
“Oh right, God advice from you. Let me decide whether or not to reach out to God.”
Linda then knew how serious it was. But she was right. I was always the one preaching to others about how God would see them through everything and that all they had to do was keep praying and relying on him. And she hit the nail on the head when she said I depended on Pete the way I should have depended on God. I guess I never realized that before because I always thanked God for sending me Pete. But I forgot that it was God who placed him with me, and it would be God who saved me every day of my life, seeing me through every tough time. During my life with Pete, God’s way of seeing me through life was by joining my life with my husband. But since Pete was gone, I would have to pray for God to help me again. I had to understand that it would be through different means. It wasn’t an easy thing to accept. In a much more gentle voice Linda continued.
“Catherine, you simply can’t lose your faith. Your faith is a big part of what defines you as a person. It’s a quality that draws me and others to you. You are a source of strength for me even though you don’t realize it. If you lose your faith, you lose a huge part of you. You wouldn’t be Catherine anymore you’d just be a shell living from day to day. And what would that teach your children? Please, think and pray about it.”
I began to realize myself that this was serious. I was a hypocrite. How could I raise my children the way I always had if I lost my faith? I could damage my children horribly. My sweet mother was taking on more than she should have to, and she was being so gracious about it. I was acting so selfishly I may as well have been in a coma. I had to act like a mother again and help bring my children back to some sense of normalcy, a new normal. I stared off into the distance and couldn’t hold back the tear that fell down my cheek.
Later that evening, I began thinking about what Linda said to me. Her words repeated over and over again as I got ready for bed and didn’t stop until I lay down and pulled the covers over me.
“You know, Linda is right.”
I was startled to hear those words coming from the other side of the bed. I turned and saw Pete sitting there. I had the urge to jump out of bed but then realized that would be admitting I was crazy and that I hadn’t seen him twice before. I had an immediate calm come over me.
“You scared me.”
“Sorry. Linda is right. You can’t lose your faith. And I am a little upset you let the kids see you miss church twice. Did you even say prayers with them?”
“I think you know the answer.”
“Yes, I do. Who do you think is allowing me to see you? He still loves you even though you are acting like a big jerk.”
“Pete.”
“Well, you are. He is allowing me to be here for you, and he doesn’t do that normally, you know. He has never left your side, and he is letting me help you. Come on baby, this is wrong. If you do not get mad at God when bad things happen to others, you have no right to get mad when they happen to you. We had a wonderful life together. Don’t forget all the blessings he gave us.”
“You don’t know how hard it is, Pete. I feel lost, lonely, and empty. It’s a struggle to get out of bed and feed my own children each day. Thank God for my mother.”
“What was that? Did you actually thank God? You stopped doing that every night you know. You used to thank God for your family with the boys and asked them each night to say something special to Jesus. You stopped that. If it was the right thing before, why are you taking that away from your children now? They need to lean on you, but more importantly, they need to be reminded every night about how their Savior Jesus will always be there for them. I would hate for them to react like you in the future when they hit hard times. You say it’s hard to wake up and feed your children, but you are doing it and that is what’s important. It will get easier. You know they have a Widows & Widowers group at church. They have been through this and would be of great support. And I’ll bet their spouses weren’t allowed to visit them.”
“They are all old and had a lot more years with their spouses than
I have. And I’m sure it didn’t end as tragically.”
“Don’t be so sure about that. The old ones lost more than you did. And remember, the war is affecting many young families. I want you to go. It will only help you.”
“Fine,” I sighed with my chin up to show attitude. As I lowered my head to look at Pete, I noticed he had already gone.
“Good night, sweetheart,” I whispered as I snuggled into bed clenching his pillow.
The next morning, I woke up with a sense of calm. I recalled the events of the night and although very real, I had a hard time confirming whether they took place before or after I fell asleep. I know Pete came to me in the hospital, but was he here again? It didn’t really matter, but I prayed his visits weren’t over. I did feel more ready to invite Jesus back into my heart, but I think at that point it was because I wanted something. I wanted Pete. I would have to pray to keep him. I still wasn’t strong enough to live without Pete. I immediately said The Lord’s Prayer and asked for God’s forgiveness and intercessions.
“…for Thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen. Dear Jesus, please forgive me for blaming my Heavenly Father for all of this. Help me to be humble and expect no more favor than you give to others. I know you love me and will help me through anything, and I really need you now. Thank you for sending Pete to me, but I am not ready to let go yet. I’m not sure how to face the days to come or how to help my children through this time. I need Pete to guide me. When I took my vows, I didn’t know ‘til death do us part would come so soon. He vowed to help me through good times and bad. Well, we had our good times, and he was there. But now that the bad times have begun, I am alone. His vows are not fulfilled.”
I said those words with heavy sobs. I then began to pray with such desperation as I realized my prayers asked for the impossible. But I knew all things were possible with God so I had to try.
“Please, dear Jesus, please help me. Help me. I’m not ready to let go. I can’t go on without my husband. I don’t know what to do. I’m asking you for so much, I know, but I trust that you will provide me with what I need. I know you can do all things. I’m not asking for money, and I don’t intend to be selfish. But I’m a mother, and I have to keep my children safe and happy. I can’t do this on my own. They lost their father, and I can’t be that for them. But Pete could help me. Please, dear God. Have mercy on me and help me.”
As I prayed, I felt the selfishness of my words. I knew if God didn’t allow me to see Pete, I would continue to be angry with him. I gathered my strength and took some deep breaths to return myself to the calm I felt when I awoke. I opened my eyes and sitting on the bed next to me was Pete. It was all real to me now. God had known my prayers before I had prayed them. He had indeed sent Pete to me in the hospital and that night. And here he was again. It was so unbelievable that it had taken multiple visits for me to believe it.
“Oh, Pete.” I said as I reached to embrace him. “Wow.”
I jumped back as I felt the strangest sensation. As I hugged him, I felt a sense of static electricity move through my body, but I felt nothing solid in my arms. It was something I had never felt before. I could no longer hold Pete as I had in the past. It was in that moment that I finally came to terms with the fact that he was not the same. His earthly body was buried, and I would never feel it again. And then, a panic came over me as I wondered if I would see him again. God had answered my prayers, but would he allow Pete to continue to visit me? I felt a little desperate as if I could not allow him to leave the room for fear he would be gone forever.
“Your body…it’s…”
“It’s not a body, Catherine. You are seeing my soul the way your remember me. For now, this is how you recognize me.”
“I’m so afraid, Pete. Please don’t leave me again. I prayed for you, and you are here again, but I’m so afraid one day you won’t come back.”
“One day at a time, sweetheart. God has allowed me to help you through this so he won’t take me away before it’s time. But you have to stop obsessing over me. It’s not healthy, and you are a wreck. I promise I am with you, and you will see me. I will help you and be there when you need me. Soon you’ll be asking me to leave,” he said jokingly.
“That will never happen,” I replied with such certainty.
“Now that you know you are not alone, you have to go out into that kitchen and make the children and your mother a wonderful breakfast. And you’ll do it with a smile on your face. You’ll then take them all to church to say some prayers of thanksgiving and adoration. Remind the children of all that they have and of the fond memories of our family. Thank God for them. Reassure them that they have not lost you, and you will all work through this together. Count the many blessings we had as a family and talk about them often. Look at pictures and video together on a regular basis so they still feel that familial bond. Today, Catherine, you must make a new beginning for them, for all of you. Things will never be the same as they were, but you need to let them know that it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. We were always a strong family, and that will not change just because I have passed. Remind them that I have gone home and that we will all be home together one day. But for now, you all have to live life here according to God’s will. His love is forever present, and with him you can all be happy. I’ll see you later, love.”
And with that he was gone again. I had a renewed energy, for now, to focus on my family. I walked out of the bedroom and into the kitchen where, coincidentally, they were all waiting for me. My mother had made coffee and was about to take out some eggs. She smiled at me with an obvious hidden concern.
“Good morning, Catherine.”
“Good morning, Mom. And good morning my little love muffins.”
I embraced my children so tightly and gave them all a kiss. They happily embraced me back, but sadly I saw some confusion. Had I been so distant to them over the past few weeks that they were surprised to see such affection from me? That broke my heart, and I knew the damage I was already causing. The happy, loving, security I had always given them had suddenly vanished after Pete’s death and perhaps their little minds were trying to help them adjust to that. Perhaps their defenses were helping them cope with the loss of their mother’s affection and training them not to expect such love. And now, my motherly love is coming as a surprise to them. I could not allow this to hurt them so much and to affect their security. Pete was right. I needed to assure them that we were still a strong, loving, and stable family. It was up to me to make things right. I had to reverse the damage I had already started.
“Mom, you sit down. I’ll make the breakfast today. Alright, little monkeys, what would you like today?”
“Homemade pancakes.” they all replied.
It was probably the first time they all wanted the same thing. Thank God. I didn’t want to have to diffuse a fight that day. However, I knew I would have made ten different breakfasts if that’s what they wanted.
“Alright, I’ll make some yummy homemade pancakes for all of us. I have some fun things planned for us today.”
I continued to make heart-shaped pancakes that morning because I wanted everything about that day to be special and full of love. We all ate, but it was pretty quiet. I couldn’t even imagine what my children were going through. Children aren’t as able as us to identify their feelings and deal with them. I could see in Jacob’s eyes especially so many emotions. Confusion. Sadness. Uncertainty. Disappointment. I never thought I would see such deep emotions in my children. But I also never thought we would lose my husband. Our family as we knew it was gone for all of us, and there wasn’t anything we could do about that. As depressed and devastated as I was, I knew I was the only one who could keep our family together and heal my children.
I can’t express the feeling of helplessness and guilt that I felt as I looked into their eyes. This is what mothers are supposed to protect their
children from. I couldn’t help but to again question God. In my head I kept saying, Why God, why would you let this happen to us? Why? I felt such an inner struggle begin. God was the only answer, but I still couldn’t help but to blame him as well. I knew I had to keep Jesus present in my children’s lives, but I felt as though I may not be able to do that without some acting on my part. But I guess acting strong in my faith was better than letting my children know that I may have lost it. I did take them to church that day, and I talked to them about everything Pete told me to. But in my heart, I couldn’t yet overcome the emotions that I was feeling. I felt let down and abandoned every time I realized Pete was gone. How would I get through this? How would I get my children through this? Pete’s words echoed in my mind. One day at a time, sweetheart. One day at a time.
Chapter 7
On My Own
When we returned home from church, my mother gathered her things and was ready to go home. We all kissed her good-bye, and I thanked her for being there for me and the children. I was so sad to see her go as I felt the dread of knowing I was then alone. And I knew I would have to face the tragedy and talk to my boys about it. It was time for me to be a mother and become their rock. I did not believe for one moment that I could do it, but I had to somehow find the strength and the words to help my children.
I closed the front door behind my mother, took a deep breath, and then told my boys to sit on the couch and wait for me. It was Mary’s nap time, so I figured I would put her down and then talk to my boys. When I returned to the living room, they were surprisingly sitting silently on the couch. It was as if they knew the talk was coming. The sadness in that house was indescribable. The once loud laughter that was so common in that room was replaced with a heavy silence. The bright sunshine that always beamed through the bay window and made us squint was dim and covered by clouds. I wasn’t sure if our home would ever feel the warmth of the sun come through that window again.
Soldier from Heaven (9781629021911) Page 4
