“Boys, I think we need to talk about what has happened. First, I need to apologize for making all of this worse on you. I never should have allowed myself to shut down so much that I couldn’t be there for you when you found out your father died.”
As I spoke these words to my children, gentle and controlled tears fell down my face. I spoke to them calmly and with love, but I could feel my hardened heart beating inside of me with such resentment and anger.
“I know how much you loved your father, and I did too. We still do. When I realized it was your father that had died, I felt a part of me die too. And I guess that horrible feeling took over me, and I just shut down. I never should have allowed that to happen. I’m so sorry for leaving you and making you both feel as if you lost us both. I want you both to know that I will never do that to you again. I won’t leave you. We will get through this together.”
“You can’t promise that, Mom,” replied Jacob with doubt in his eyes. “What if you die too?”
“Sweetheart, God will not let that happen. He won’t let you lose both of us. Daddy’s accident was because of the war. He died defending our country. It was noble, and he’s being blessed in Heaven for that. God will not allow me to be in the position to leave you. He will protect us.”
Jacob dropped his eyes unconvinced. He was hurt and was losing faith too. Ben clung to my words with his eyes glued to me. He would believe everything I said. I hoped my words were true for his sake. But as I spoke those words, I wondered if I believed them myself. I kept asking Jacob’s question in my mind over and over again. It wouldn’t be the first time that tragedy took over a family and left children without parents. Why was I telling my child that we were different? Where was God for those families? We weren’t special. We learned that when Pete was taken from us. How could I convince my children that we would be okay when I wasn’t sure I believed it myself? I knew that I had to find a way to believe it or my family could not heal. I had to be in control and lead my family the way Pete led us. And the only way was through faith in God. Somehow I had to regain my faith. But how?
“We have to have faith boys. This is like a test. All that we know and believe about our Savior is being tested right now. We know of his great love and sacrifice for us, and we can see his good through the evil of this world. Now, we are experiencing a painful reality of life here on Earth. But we have to remember the promises made to us. Life here isn’t our true home, Heaven is. Daddy is home, and he’ll be there watching over us until we are home with him. But for now, we have to live this life as God wants us to live. We have to remember that Daddy is not gone forever. We will be with him again. He will remain alive with us as long as we remember him and talk about him. Our lives have changed, that’s certain. And we are devastated by this loss. And it will be hard. I won’t lie. We will be sad for a long time, and it will not be easy to get over this. Our faith is being tested, and I’m so sorry you have to be tested so young. But we will overcome this with God’s graces. We have to hold on and be there for each other. Daddy would tell us to do that. I love you so much, and wish I could take away this hurt. I wish I could bring Daddy back for all of us, but I can’t. The world doesn’t work that way.”
“God can,” said Ben with such sweet innocence. “God can do anything. Maybe we should pray for that.”
“God won’t do that, dummy,” snapped Jacob. “Dad’s dead, and he isn’t coming back.”
“Jacob, your brother is no dummy. Yes, Ben, God can do anything. But your daddy was killed because of the evils in this world. God doesn’t like to see us hurting, but I have to agree that God won’t bring your father back to life. It’s just the way life was designed I guess.”
“But Jesus brought people back to life.”
“Yes, Ben, but that was different. Maybe he performed those miracles so others would believe in him and know he was the Son of God. He showed people that their faith would be rewarded. But this is different. I can’t explain it Ben, but it just is. Death happens, and we just have to lean on God to help us through it. Rather than ask God to bring him back, we need to thank God for our life with Daddy and pray that he continues to bless us in different ways.”
Ben looked somewhat disappointed that God wouldn’t bring his father back to us even though he could. And I couldn’t blame him for that. But I needed to repeat all of my words over and over to myself so I too could believe them. It was the only way to convince my children. We all had to keep our faith, somehow.
That night, we all prayed together before bed, and I felt a little stronger as a mother. I comforted them as I had in the past, and I think they felt more secure. They finally had their mother back and knew at least that much was back to normal. I kissed each of them good night and prayed they would have pleasant dreams.
I walked into my bedroom and saw Pete standing by the window. I closed my door and locked it before walking towards the window. I sat down in the Victorian grandmother’s chair next to the window, ready for another conversation with my soldier.
“Bravo, darling. You managed to act like a real mother today.”
“Have I really been that bad?”
“Yes. Sorry, but you have. Don’t worry. You couldn’t help it. The important thing is you made the effort today.”
“Well, once again, I have you to thank, Pete. You’ve always been there to guide me and push me in the right direction. You led me down the right path again. You told me what I needed to do, and I did it. That’s why you can’t leave me.”
“Sweetheart, you always knew the right thing to do. You just didn’t dig deep enough to find the strength to do it. I am not your only source of strength, and that is the lesson you need to learn fast. I won’t always be here to tell you what to do. You are a good mother, and I didn’t make you into one. It’s your calling. You don’t know it, but I always looked up to you. I could never be the mother that you are to them. You offer something different than I offered. It’s those differences that mean the most now. Nothing compares to the love of a mother. It’s that love that will see them through this. That kind of love is something I could never give.”
“But you were our glue, Pete. Our strength in every storm. Our problem solver and protector.”
“So it looked that way. But you were the glue as well. Now that I’m gone, you can still hold things together. Just keep on speaking about faith in the way you did today; in the way you always have. I may have been good at providing an example to our children but you always had the words that went along with your actions. I may have problem-solved and taken care of our finances, but you have the education to do it as well. You just allowed me to take care of you. Now you must use what you have to fill in the gaps.”
“You have a lot of faith in me, Pete. I’m trying, but I still need help.”
“I know. Don’t forget those you have to help you. My brother, for one, could really use your help right now. After all, the business is now yours.”
“I know. Matt’s been great. He drops off a check every week and hasn’t asked for any help. I just kind of let him keep doing what he’s doing.”
“I see that. But my brother doesn’t really know what to say to you. He’s a guy, you know. You have to make the first move and talk to him about me and the business. My parents are far away right now, and he doesn’t have his own family. Not to burden you more, but he could really use someone to talk to. He’s running his dead brother’s business and his sister-in-law should be helping a little more. No more feeling sorry for yourself. It’s time to reach out to him.”
“You’re right, Pete. He should be stopping by tomorrow. I’ll drop the kids off at my mom’s and invite him in for a talk.”
I blinked, and then Pete was gone. I guess I said what he wanted to hear. I went to bed and tried to mentally prepare myself for the conversation I had to have with Pete’s older brother Matt.
Matt wa
s four years older than Pete, and he was there the night when we met. After Pete and I shared that first sangria together, Matt came over and started working his charm. I kind of felt like there was a little friendly competition going on that night. But in the end, it was Pete that my heart thumped for and his invitation to dinner that I accepted.
Pete’s brother was the macho type, a real ladies’ man. He never had a relationship that lasted longer than a few months and was known to date a few girls at a time. He was dashingly handsome with the dark hair and striking deep blue eyes. He always dressed to the nine with his shirt tucked in and pants belted when he went out. He was a casual dresser with an eye for fashion. And that says a lot since most men don’t worry about matching their clothes. Matt wasn’t like one of those pretty boys though. He was extremely handsome and dressed well, but he had that manly rugged look as well with his goatee beard. Matt was very athletic with subtly defined muscles but did not shave his muscular body as the pretty boy type may have. When he was just hanging out, he would wear neatly ironed t-shirts with athletic shorts. But you would never know just how dirty he could get his hands. He was amazingly talented with cars, even more so than Pete. But Pete had a better business sense and was the one who had it in him to start a business. Once it became a success, he needed an extra set of hands, and his brother was the one for the job.
Pete and Matt had always been very close, and since he didn’t have a family of his own, Matt really clinged to us. He flirted innocently with me, teasing Pete that he’d steal me away, and treated our children like his own. I actually tried to set him up with Linda but neither was the others’ type. I have to say I was surprised that he didn’t come around more often after Pete’s death. Perhaps I scared him off when I reacted the way I had. Perhaps he had no idea what to say to me. I didn’t blame him. But it was certainly time that I make that conversation happen.
The knock on the door came about noon time just as it had every Saturday since Pete’s death. I knew it was Matt and took a deep breath to prepare myself to invite him in for the first time. I opened the door and greeted him with a smile.
“Hello, Matt. Please come in.”
“No, that’s okay, Catherine. I know you are busy. Here’s the check. Let me know if you need anything else, okay?”
“Okay, I need you to come in. I know I’ve been a crazy lady lately but we can’t keep doing this. I already made some lunch, so get in here and talk to me, please.”
He seemed to hesitate a little, probably a little dumbfounded, but managed to make his way inside. Matt was in his mechanic attire with the dark blue pants and buttoned down shirt. But of course, his shirt was tucked in and his pants buckled. He had some oil beneath his nails but his face and hair remained perfect.
“Come into the kitchen, Matt, and sit down.”
As I served him a turkey, bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich with unsweetened iced tea, his favorite lunch that I had brought him and my husband to work so many times, I began the conversation that I think we both dreaded.
“I’m really sorry that I haven’t made you feel comfortable enough to talk to me. I know I freaked out when Pete died, and I am still freaking out but I’m trying to regain some sense of normalcy. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for the funeral and for you and your parents.” I couldn’t help but let a few tears out during the conversation, but I remained in control. “How are you doing?”
“I’m good. The business is still going strong, and all of the regulars have expressed their sorrow. But all in all, I’m good.”
“Matt, it’s me, Catherine. You can be real with me. Forget these past months and my distance. It’s still me. How are you really doing? Your brother died. Your best friend died.”
I reached and put my hand on his arm. At that moment I saw Matt’s strong face flush and his confident eyes well up with tears. Once the first dropped down his cheek, he couldn’t hold them back. He began to sob deeply. I had never heard a man cry like that before. The sadness was overwhelming, and I couldn’t help but to cry with him. He reached over, dropped to his knees, and hugged me tightly.
“Why did this happen, Catherine? Why is my brother gone? I’m trying so hard to hang on, but every time I get to work I get choked up. He should be there with me.”
“I know, I know. I feel the same way.” Oh, how I wanted to tell him about Pete’s visits, but I knew I couldn’t. “I know, Matt. I’m so sorry I didn’t reach out to you until now. We need each other. It’s not fair, I know.”
Matt regained control over himself and quickly wiped the tears from his eyes and sat back down.
“I’m sorry, Catherine. I don’t know what came over me.”
“Is this the first time you cried?”
“Yes. I guess I’ve just been focused on taking care of the business like I have when he’s away. It’s like he’s just away. But every once in a while I realize he’s not coming back. Maybe that’s why I’ve been avoiding you too. I just didn’t want to accept this and have this talk. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, Matt. This is tragic. We don’t know how to react. But we can’t avoid each other. We are family and enough has changed for us and the kids. They miss you. They can’t lose everything good that went along with their daddy. They can’t lose you too. I can’t lose you.”
“I know. Ugh, I can’t believe you saw me cry.”
I giggled, “I can’t believe you saw me play dead.”
We both laughed and realized we could go on the way we had. We had become great friends and close family. We both missed the relationship we had with each other and the one he had with Jacob, Ben, and Mary. It was something that we needed to remain constant. We finished lunch together, and both feeling a little healthy embarrassment, didn’t return to the conversation that made us so emotional. Instead, he brought me up to date on the business. After much discussion, we came to the decision to make it a partnership. I knew Pete would have liked to give Matt partnership since he had been doing most of the work. And since I had nothing much to contribute, he would pretty much be taking the reins. It was truly a family business now. He would keep it alive and hopefully long enough to pass it along to my sons.
Chapter 8
Time for the Talk
Things were beginning to feel like it was back to normal by the time school was ready to begin. Pete was still visiting me, and I felt myself regaining strength. Matt began coming around more often which made the boys much happier. And I was feeling more confident as a single parent but hadn’t quite let God off the hook. We regularly went to church, but I was still sort of going through the motions. Although we all seemed to be healing, and Jacob was somewhat less mouthy, he still had an aura that was unsettling to me.
“Two more days until school begins, boys.”
“Aww,” they said in unison as Mary cried, “Yeah,” in response to the excitement in my voice.
“Oh boys, you know you are excited to get back to your friends. Jacob, I can’t believe you are going into seventh grade. And Ben, my big first grader. But little Mary, you still have to stay here with boring Mommy, don’t you?”
“I wish I could,” replied Jacob.
“Oh, after a few days of that you’d be ready for a new teacher, sweetie.”
“No I wouldn’t. I wish I was home schooled.”
“But honey, you are way too smart for Mommy to challenge you. You are doing so well in school, and I’m so proud of you. Besides, aren’t you going out for the basketball team this year?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Great. Now go get your bathing suits on because Uncle Matt will be here soon to take us all to the water park. I’ll call Linda and let her know we’re almost ready. Linda hates water slides, so we’ll have to force her on so we can all have a big laugh.”
“Give me a bite of that pretzel, man,” begged Matt teasing Jacob.
&
nbsp; “No, get your own,” replied Jacob sarcastically.
Jacob had a great relationship with his Uncle Matt. With Matt, Jacob seemed to relax and be his normal sassy self. I guess he really needed that father figure; someone masculine enough to get rough with. Ben always sat near the action and laughed as Matt and Jacob exchanged sarcastic remarks.
Jesse was the other one Jacob enjoyed being with most. The friendship he had with Jesse was like a brotherhood. Jesse could be rough and tough like Jacob but was a little more sensitive. Where Jacob would laugh if his friend fell and didn’t mind if his friend laughed at him if he fell, Jesse would run to make sure his friend was okay, and got upset if his friend laughed at him. Jacob inherited my sense of humor. Although we both cared about others and would definitely help a fallen friend, we couldn’t help but laugh at the way it looked when it happened. Thankfully, Jacob was in tune to his friend’s sensitivity and practiced enough restraint to keep his friend from feeling bad.
“Alright boys, enough of that. Finish up your snack so we can take on the pool plunge. Prepare yourselves for a wedgie,” I said looking at Linda.
“No way, I’ll stay with Mary.”
“No Linda, we have it all planned out. Matt will take Ben first and then stay with Mary while you and I take the big boys. Come on Linda, you have a tattoo. You must be wild enough to go on the water slide.”
“Yeah, Mom,” joined Jesse. “Don’t be a chicken. Let’s have fun.”
Soldier from Heaven (9781629021911) Page 5
