“Thanks, Matt. You always know just what to say to make an old lady feel better,” I said sarcastically allowing us to both laugh. “Did you get to talk to Jacob?” I said to change the subject abruptly.
“Yes. After a little wrestling and roughhousing, I was able to open up the conversation. I told him that anytime he needed to blow off some steam, just fight with his old uncle instead of a kid who has no chance against him. He laughed, and then once Ben was in bed we talked some more.”
Matt always had a way of lightening the mood and making big deals seem little. His wrestling comment was a great way to reach Jacob and help him put things in perspective. He told me about the talk he had with Jacob but didn’t tell me all of the details except that he shared his own feelings with Jacob and told me they really connected. I was so thankful that Matt could be there for Jacob in a way that I couldn’t. I gave him a hug and thanked him, and then he went home. I was anxious to get to my room and talk to Pete.
“Pete, I see you are already here waiting for me.”
“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable at the bar, angel.”
“Pete,” I said with a teasing tone. “Did I detect a note of jealousy?”
“No. That wouldn’t be right. But I didn’t feel at ease with what I saw.”
“Well, why were you there? I didn’t expect to see you in a bar with me. You kind of made me look a little loopy.”
“I guess I thought you might need my support, you know, being out like that for the first time.”
“Why didn’t you leave when you saw that I was doing alright?”
“I just had to make sure. It was the first time you appeared on the market to others and well, you were drinking. I guess I wanted to balance your judgment. Dead or alive, I still want to protect you.”
“It seems to me you are acting somewhat human. Is that normal for a ghost?”
“That’s the first time you called me a ghost. I never thought of myself as a ghost.”
“Weird, huh? What else do we call you?”
“Let’s not. I’m here whether as a ghost or soul, it’s me.”
“So what do we do about these feelings of yours? We both know you won’t always be here to protect me.”
“I don’t know.”
“How about we focus on why you are here? You are here to help me when I need it. I wasn’t in any danger at the bar. Linda was there with me. Oh Pete, I want nothing more than for you to be here alive with me. I miss your touch, but it’s obvious we can’t share that anymore. I’m not looking for another relationship, just normalcy. I’m not ready to let go of you at all, and I probably never will be. But the reality is I don’t have you anymore, and I do need some kind of attention to feel like a woman.”
“Like you had tonight?”
“Yes, but as you can see, I wanted nothing more than that attention and conversation. I’m getting older and you always made me feel beautiful. I won’t have that anymore from you. I don’t need the physical relationship, but I do need to feel beautiful. It’s sad to admit but only attention from a man can make me feel beautiful. Can you understand that?”
“Yes, I can. It sounds as though you are trying to explain your actions. Please know I don’t want that. All I want is for you to be happy. Eventually, you will be able to move on in every aspect of your life, even romantically. I’m okay with that. How about I only visit you in our home and when you need me?”
“Okay. I love you, Pete. I’m far from over needing you. Jacob and I are both still hurting, but he’s not coping as well. I still have you, but he doesn’t. Do you know he got into a fist fight in school when someone asked how you died? I got your brother to talk to him tonight.”
“I know. See, you know where to turn, baby. My brother is being a great source of strength for you and Jacob, and I’m thankful for that.”
“Me too.”
“Are you thanking God for him?”
“I haven’t really, but I’m starting to see I have a lot to thank God for. Most of all, I’m thankful he sent you. I’m just so scared for Jacob.”
“Pray, my love. Prayer is what makes change. You can try to do all you can, and that is helpful. You are doing the right things. But you are missing the most important component to healing. And that’s Jesus.”
“I know, Pete. I’m missing a sense of calm. I’m worrying, and I know that isn’t of God. I need to let go and let God. I’ve always let him guide me before, so I need to now.”
Again I blinked, and Pete was gone. I said what he wanted to hear so he left. I did need to return to my dependence on God. Worry only shows lack of faith. I had to have faith that he would help me. With faith all things are possible. I believed it before. I had to believe it again. What an interesting conversation that was.
Chapter 11
Born Again
After my conversation with Pete the night before, I decided to take the advice that Pete had given me some time ago. I wasn’t quite ready to cry for God, but perhaps the Widows and Widowers group would prove helpful. My mother came over that night to watch the children while I was at the church. I felt awkward as I walked in and saw the men and women speaking happily with one another before the support group began. I sensed that they were all at peace with the deaths of their spouses and hoped the group would give me the same comfort. I took a seat in the very back where I could remain unnoticed. I smiled politely as the others walked in and waited anxiously for everyone to sit down so I could remain in the background. A few moments later, the meeting began.
I sat for awhile, holding back the tears as I listened to the stories being told by the members. Very old ladies and gentlemen reminisced about the years so long ago and expressed thankfulness for their full lives and children. That made me feel very sad knowing that I would be missing out on that full life with my husband, but yet my children’s faces appeared in my mind, and I was thankful for them. Others told about the struggles they faced since losing their spouses. The older men missed the cooking and the older women missed their husbands taking care of the house. All of it was very typical.
I scanned the room looking for the young men and women that Pete was sure would be there. To my surprise, scattered among the old were a few very young people. One woman stood up and spoke of her husband’s battle with cancer and her sadness for her young children because they only had a few short years with their father. It was all such a harsh reality for the room of people to face. And yet, it was evident that they allowed their faith in Jesus to see them through the hardship. A moment later, a man stood up who was not too much older than me and he looked oddly familiar. Then my eyes opened wide as I was shocked to see that it was Colin. He didn’t mention that he was a widower in the bar, even when I told him that I had lost my husband. Wow. He had certainly gotten over his loss. After all, he was hitting on me in the bar. But why didn’t he mention that to me? Then, I remembered his comment about completely understanding what I was going through. I began feeling a bit uneasy and didn’t want to risk running into him after the meeting, so I snuck out and went home.
“How was the meeting, dear? You’re back awfully early.”
“It was sad, Mom. The people there seemed to be coping well, but it made me so sad. To see all of those people struck with the same tragedy was disheartening. I still question why God let that happen to so many people.”
“It’s a horrible reality of our world, Catherine. But you have to remember it isn’t God that kills. He’s the one who gives us new life. You really need to reflect on that, Catherine. It’s the only way you’ll ever begin to heal.”
“I know.”
“Maybe you should spend some time in the adoration chapel. It always brings me a sense of renewed faith in God’s promises.”
“I’ll think about it. I know I have to make the effort. I do believe that Jesus wants to help me,
but it’s just hard for me to accept.”
“I know, honey. But once you surrender yourself to him again, everything will begin to change for the better.”
My mother was right, and I had always known that. I guess I wanted to wallow in self pity, but I had to remind myself that doing so wouldn’t make anything better. It would only prolong the agony and postpone the healing. I asked my mother to watch the kids the next day so I could take her advice and pray in the adoration chapel. My mother spent two hours there every Tuesday night. Our church had a perpetual adoration where the Blessed Sacrament was always exposed, and at least one person was there at all times for continuous worship. It was beautiful knowing that in the same place every moment of every day, someone was worshipping and adoring our Lord Jesus. It was time that I adored him as well. Pete pointed out that I was missing that most important part of healing. Just as a popular song says, “I will praise you in this storm.” I had no other choice. It was exactly what I had to do.
When I entered the chapel, I felt like I was walking into a family member’s home that I hadn’t spoken to in years. I realized just how far I had fallen away from Jesus. Sure, I kept going to church, but I had been going through the motions. At least I had been attempting to keep a connection but it wasn’t enough. I knew Jesus was always with me during my hard times but I wasn’t allowing him control. I, in a sense, was pushing away the help he was offering. I knelt down in the first pew and began to pray.
“Dear sweet Jesus, I’m so sorry for not letting you take care of me through this dark time. Instead of reaching out to you, I demanded you to send Pete to me. I know that was your way of helping me. It’s true, I have depended on Pete all of our days together in a way I should have only depended on you. You are the one who will never leave my side, not my husband. Pete and I became one flesh as you commanded, but I think I may have forgotten the until death do us part. I place him with you as my number one priority instead of placing you above him. I was wrong, and I now see why you have the rules that you have for us. I know you will forgive me. I want you and need you with me more than ever. Please come to me as you have always wanted to. I need you and know you are the only way for me to heal and the only way to get to Heaven to be with you and Pete at the hour of my death. Help me to be the example to my children that you intend for me to be. Guide me to make the right choices in my life with my children and other relationships. I beg you to come to me and stay with me forever, dear Lord.”
I sobbed gently but with great sorrow and longing. I was feeling the tremendous void in my life that I created myself. It was me that pushed Jesus away from me. At the time I needed him most, I pushed him away. But I was so sorry and begging for him once more. I began to feel a warmth come over me that seemed to embrace me. My tears began to fall more steadily as I felt myself letting go somehow. The reservations, resentments, and bitterness that were leaving my body were being replaced with a sense of peace, hope, and spirituality. The Holy Spirit was coming upon me and blessing me with God’s grace that I had been missing for such a long time. My tears soon dried up and I looked up to Jesus and said,
“Thank you. I accept you again and forever. I will let you lead me. I ask that you fill my son Jacob with hope and with your spirit. I have faith that you will heal him.”
I had found the peace that I needed to move on. God was not to blame for Pete’s death, man was. God was not to blame for my sorrow, I was. And now I had to pass this on to my son Jacob so that he could heal as well. But the Holy Spirit was already doing his work with Jacob, and I didn’t know it.
I went directly to my mother’s house to pick up my children with a renewed sense of hope and duty as a mother. Before I was even able to close the car door, Jacob came running from my mother’s house. He ran to me and embraced me.
“Mommy, Mommy, guess what.”
“What sweetie?”
“I feel better.”
“What?”
“I feel better. A little while ago when I was sitting by the pool by myself I started to feel warm, but not normal warm or hot like when the sun heats us up. I felt like huggy warm, like when you hug me on a cold night. It was the best feeling I ever had. And then I heard a whisper saying, ‘I’m here with you my child.’ I hope you believe me, Mom. I know it was Jesus.”
“I believe you Jacob. Oh, I believe you,” I said sobbing with tears of joy as I hugged him so tightly.
“You do, Mommy?” He looked at me as he spoke those words with an innocent and peaceful smile on his face. He too had tears falling down his face. “Do you really?”
“I really do, Jacob. We are going to be just fine. I know that today the Holy Spirit came upon both of us. I prayed so hard today at church and realized we can’t truly heal without Jesus. I prayed that he would help you too. And he did.”
“He really did, Mommy. I’m going to be the man of the house that Daddy wants me to be. I’ll do my best in school and not make you sad.”
“You never make me sad, Jacob. You were the first miracle of my life. The day you were born, and even before, you were the answer to my prayers. You made me a mommy, and I thank God everyday for you. Just the thought of you chases my sadness away. You never have to worry about making me sad. Please don’t think you have to do anything to take care of me. It’s my job to take care of you. But yes, you do have a job and that’s to help me at home. Thank you for wanting to do that for me. I love you Jacob, and I’m so happy this happened to us today.”
“Me too, Mommy. I love you.”
Jacob and I were always very close but that moment made our bond even deeper, even more spiritual.
It’s amazing how God answers our prayers. It’s not always on our time, and it’s not always with such grandeur, but most times it’s unmistakable. I pleaded for Jesus that day and opened myself up to him, and he came. I prayed for my son in a way that he may not have known how, and the Holy Spirit went to my son. I’m thankful Jacob was opened up enough to accept the blessings. For years, I struggled with the scrutiny that many Christians put the Catholic Church under. Many Christians considered themselves born again which meant they were saved. Some of those Christians would reject the possibility that Christians from denominational churches could also be saved. I always disagreed with that. True, I don’t think that just because you go to church you are saved. I agree that you have to fully accept Jesus into your life to go to Heaven, and not all people who go to church have done that. Going through the motions isn’t enough. It’s only in surrendering to Jesus that we can be born again. I had surrendered myself to Jesus early in life and tried every day to live by his will, but then rejected my savior at my greatest time of need. It happens to many, I’m sure. After all, we are human. But that day in the chapel, I finally called him again. I guess you could say, at that moment I was born again. Perhaps some people go through that process more than once. With all of the tragedy, temptations, and evil in the world, it’s inevitable that we humans fail sometimes. I do know that living for Jesus is an everyday struggle as we are surrounded by the trials and evils of this world. We humans are imperfect but our God is forgiving. I also know that no matter what church people belong to, if they love and accept Jesus as their savior and surrender themselves to him, they are made worthy of the promises of Christ.
Chapter 12
A Lot to be Thankful For
Since that wonderful day in September, all seemed to be peaceful. Of course, there were still some obstacles of which I needed Pete’s help. Dealing with life insurance claims and death benefits from the government was stressful. It felt that every time I had to deal with the paperwork, the wounds of Pete’s death would surface. Thankfully, he was there to comfort me and give me the strength to complete the unpleasant tasks. College funds were paid off and so was our house. The benefits helped us to live in much greater comfort, but I felt guilty about that. I would have rather struggled financially than to
have lost my husband. Of course, Pete helped me get over that as well. He made me believe it was his gift to us in death. Jacob, Ben, and Mary would be guaranteed the best education possible, and I would be taken care of and not left with financial insecurities. Pete made it all better.
November had crept up fast. Halloween was a blink, and we were preparing for Turkey Day. I had a feeling of dread as it would be the first big holiday without Pete. Matt always traveled to be with his parents and our family would always spend the day with my parents. Pete and my father would bond by the television and tease my mother and me as we prepared the meal. I would argue with my husband about turning off the television while we ate. But that first Thanksgiving after Pete’s death would not have the laughter of him in the background as we cooked or the opportunity for me to tell him to turn off the TV. No, I wasn’t looking forward to Thanksgiving Day.
The Sunday before Thanksgiving, we all went to my parents’ house for dinner. I talked to my father about my dread of Thanksgiving. My father was a very paternal being and always took care of our family. He was a retired police officer which just added to his aura of being very protective. My dad, John, was very easy to talk to and was very good at talking me through problems and frustrations. I think he felt the need to solve my problems when I went to him for advice. And he actually did always offer great suggestions.
“I’m kind of dreading Thanksgiving this year, Dad.”
“I’m sure you are. Pete hasn’t been gone too long, and it will be the first time without him. We’re all going to miss him. But if you get through this one, it will be easier.”
“I know, but I just don’t know how I’m going to handle the empty chair. I’ve been doing great lately but, you know, it’s Thanksgiving.”
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