“If you don’t want to come over we’ll understand. I don’t think that would be a good idea to avoid it or be without us, but whatever you are comfortable with, we’ll do. If you want us to come to your house, that’s fine too.”
“I don’t know, Dad. I don’t want to make it obvious to the boys. They are expecting a Thanksgiving Day here like every year. I don’t want to give it up. I just don’t want to cry either.”
“Well, Catherine, we could change our tradition for this year.”
“What do you mean?”
“Every year you comment about the soup kitchens they feature on the news, and say one day you want to take your children to serve food on Thanksgiving. You want them to get a firsthand look at the many people and children who do not have anything so they can develop more empathy for them and appreciate what they have. How about we finally put that idea into action?”
“That’s a great idea, Dad,” I said with excitement and a sudden release of the sadness I had just been feeling. “You know Dad, I think with some of the money I received, I’ll offer to pay for the food this year. Yeah, I’ll call Father Alex, who runs the soup kitchen downtown and arrange it. I hope it isn’t too late to plan this.”
“I’m sure it isn’t, and I’m sure he’ll welcome the help.”
“Thanks, Dad. This is the perfect year to do this. I can’t wait. We can even have our Thanksgiving dinner there when we finish serving. What a great way to truly thank God that day.”
I contacted Father Alex on Monday and arranged to buy the food. While my boys were at school on Tuesday, my mother watched Mary while I went to the soup kitchen to help prepare the food. I was feeling so happy to help, and I just kept thinking about all of the people that we would feed and make happy that day. We would all be doing Jesus’ work and helping those poor men, women, and children to see the love of Christ through us. I just couldn’t wait until Thanksgiving. The dread was replaced with anticipation.
It was Thanksgiving morning and our routine was to change drastically. We wouldn’t stay in our pajamas all morning eating donuts and watching the Thanksgiving Day parades on television. Instead, we would rush to get dressed and head down to the soup kitchen to prepare for the crowds. My parents took Mary for the morning and would later bring her downtown to help. Jacob, Ben, and I rushed out and headed to the kitchen.
The boys were both unhappy about having to go but also looked forward to helping others. After all, they were children and didn’t grasp the magnitude of this gesture. Once we were there, they eagerly began setting up the table decorations and making the room look festive. I could see on their faces they were having more fun than they first expected. When they finished one task, they would ask what else they could do. Jacob was great at making stuffing, and Ben was a champion potato masher. They kept reminding me that they wanted to help serve the food. I assured them that they would. Throughout the setup, Jacob and Ben asked questions about the type of people that would show up, specifically the children. It was hard for them to understand that there were indeed homeless children and families. Jacob, especially, understood poverty, but couldn’t imagine what it was like to truly live it. I was so proud of my boys as I listened to their dialogue and watched their busy hands. I wondered why we hadn’t done that sooner but quickly realized that it was the best time to start.
It wasn’t long until it was time to let in the crowds. The room quickly had a long line formed which continued out the door. The guests looked so happy to be walking into a warm room filled with the enticing aromas of turkey, corn, seasoned stuffing, chocolate chip cookies, apple pie, and so many more delightful scents. The faces of the many children were decorated with glowing smiles through dirty little cheeks topped with unkept hair. Although the families weren’t very clean, many of them had clearly made the effort to look their best. They were going to a five star meal in their eyes. I knew that the overjoyed faces I was looking at were actually covering up their daily feelings of despair, hunger, and hopelessness. It was a wonderful feeling knowing for at least that day, they would be thankful for the full bellies and the ability to feed their families.
Jacob and Ben enjoyed filling the dishes of the guests, and I noticed they were giving the children extra vegetables. I smiled as I remembered the many times that they complained about the meals I cooked. They didn’t like the vegetable I made or the way I prepared the chicken. I would always tell them that poor children who didn’t get a meal everyday would love to have my meals and that they would love the vegetables. I also pushed healthy choices on my children, telling them how vegetables were important to keep them healthy. I think those extra servings were my boys’ way of making sure the children got a good dose of health that day.
Once the tables were full and my parents had arrived with Mary to supervise, Jacob and Ben made their rounds with the desserts. They looked like professional little waiters and had so much fun serving and refilling drinks. As the children finished up, Ben and Jacob led them to the area filled with the toys we bought for them. Ben was having a ball playing with the other children, and Jacob was acting like a wonderful adult helping the little ones play. The cultural barriers simply weren’t there. Ben was looking beyond the dirt and smells that some of these children had and played with them as if they were long lost friends. Jacob was acting with such sincerity and empathy that I had to control the proud tears forming in my eyes. I was so proud of the love my boys were showing to the other children. What a wonderful lesson they were learning, and what a joyous day the other children were having. My boys were bringing them happiness and acceptance; things they weren’t used to having daily. That was turning out to be the most wonderful and meaningful Thanksgiving ever, even without Pete.
When the last person left, about seven o’clock in the evening, our family sat down with Father Alex to enjoy the left overs of the day. The other volunteers left to go home to their families. On that Thanksgiving, the underprivileged would enjoy the best of the meal, and our family would have the so-called scraps. Just another lesson for our family to be thankful for all we have. We all held hands as Father led us in prayer.
“Heavenly Father, we thank you for the love of your Son Jesus and all of the blessings you have given to us today and every day of our lives. Thank you for Catherine and her family’s generosity today as they helped feed your poor children. Thank you for the opportunity to do your work today as we fed the hungry. We pray that the love and blessings of your son touched the lives of every soul that was here today and will continue to feed those souls with your love and promises. Thank you for the food we are about to receive on this Thanksgiving Day, and we pray that Jacob, Ben, and Mary’s father join our banquet in spirit. I ask that you bless this family as they continue to heal and remind them always of your unfailing love. We pray this in Jesus’ name.”
“Amen.”
We all looked at each other and smiled as we began to pass the food. No one had to say a word about what they were feeling because it was felt by each of us. We were having the best Thanksgiving that we could have asked for and were so thankful to God for all we had. We knew that had become our new tradition.
Chapter 13
A Kiss Under The Mistletoe
Months had passed since Jacob and I felt the Holy Spirit, and we were all dealing with life positively. We had gotten through Thanksgiving, but I had a feeling Christmas wouldn’t be as easy without Pete. Christmas was approaching quickly, just a few days away, and the boys were on Christmas break. Our little family of four enjoyed baking cookies, fudge, and peanut brittle together. I used to always worry about the mess and gave them the jobs that didn’t require too much skill. They often poured in the ingredients, after I had already measured them into the measuring cups, mixed the cookie dough, after I had already blended in the loose flour, and helped create the gift bags. But that particular year was different. I was very conscious about every moment I spent w
ith my children and savored all of the time I spent with them. I no longer worried about the mess they made when helping me. Instead, I focused on their desire to help and allowed them to take the reins. Sure, we were always left with flour on the floor and eggshells in the mix that had to be surgically removed, but it was worth every minute of the time we spent together laughing and creating. It was amazing how much more we began to do together as a family.
On the 23rd, Linda and I decided to go out to dinner and do some last minute Christmas shopping. Matt eagerly volunteered to watch the children as he always did to give me time outside of the house. He was stepping up to fill in the gaps that Pete left when he died. Not only did he take care of the family business, but he took on the father figure role that I could not. Their Uncle Matt took the boys to the baseball field to hit the ball and out in the driveway to shoot hoops. He faithfully attended all of Ben’s baseball games and Jacob’s basketball games. He even took Ben to practice and volunteered as an assistant coach. Matt lightened the load and helped our household run smoothly. I often felt bad that he didn’t have a family of his own because he would have made an excellent father. But just a glance at the smile on his face and endless enthusiasm he had each time he was with my children would wash my guilt away. He was doing exactly what he wanted, and we weren’t holding him back from anything. That night was no different.
Linda and I were seated in a booth at Snapper’s Seafood, our favorite seafood restaurant. We always decided to go there for dinner before our shopping excursions. Every entrée was delicious, and the lobster bisque was to die for. It was pretty much the favorite part of our shopping dates.
“I see Matt is watching the kids again. Why doesn’t he just move in?”
“I know, right? Sometimes I feel so bad that he focuses so much, if not all, of his free time on them. But he loves it so much. I don’t really ever ask him to help out, but somehow he is just there doing what I need him to do. The boys just light up every time they are with him. And Mary, well, she has him wrapped around her little finger just like she did Pete.”
“Catherine, do you think Matt has feelings for you other than as a brother-in-law?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. He’s been in our lives since the beginning, and we have become great friends. He’s family, the kids’ uncle, and my brother-in-law only.”
“But why doesn’t he date? Is he gay?”
I could hardly hold back the laughter.
“Really, Linda? He has been playing around with the ladies and loving it since I met him. There is not a gay bone in his body.”
“Then again, why isn’t he dating?”
“I guess he just doesn’t have the time. He’s so busy at the garage and then he devotes his time to our family. Maybe he’s lonely and that’s why he’s over so much. It makes him happy. Then he has no time left to even look for a girlfriend. It doesn’t seem to bother him much.”
“Okay, Catherine. But I know men. He’s handsome and could date anyone he wishes. You are beautiful, and he has always been flirty with you. I think he would have scooped you up if Pete hadn’t done so. It’s only a matter of time, Catherine.”
“I don’t think so, Linda. Let’s just order and change the subject.”
“Alright, do you feel like going back to our favorite bar and hunting for Colin?”
“No. Pick a subject other than men,” I replied with a grin.
“But that’s my favorite subject.”
“Then let’s talk about finding one for you, Linda. The bartender over there looks like your type. I think I see an arm tattoo on him.”
We both laughed and continued to pick out men for each other throughout dinner. Linda made everything fun. I felt like a giddy high school girl with her. She always made me relax and loosen up my usual buttoned up self.
After our man hunting dinner, we hit a few strip mall department stores and then headed to the mall. Finally, all of my shopping was completed. And luckily, the kids were sleeping when I got home. I was able to pass off their gifts to Matt so he could hide them at his place.
“Man, did you buy out the store or what?”
“I actually got really great deals, so the boys, like it or not, are getting a lot of much needed clothes for Christmas.”
“That’s a bummer, Mom. I guess Uncle Matt is going to have to show you up.”
“Don’t you always? However, Jacob and Ben are both getting the Lego sets they’ve been wanting forever. And not the small sets they like, but the big ones. And Santa is not getting credit for them this year. Mary will get her kitchen set and again, not from Santa. I want all of the thank you’s and hugs this year. Santa will just have to bring the little stuff, like maybe the clothes.”
“You are sneaky, Catherine. My kind of lady.”
I tried very hard to ignore that comment. I could smack Linda for having that conversation with me earlier. It made me feel weird about his otherwise normal silly comment. He couldn’t possibly mean anything by that. No, he was just being silly. I had to respond quickly and wisely back.
“Well you know, you have been known to be sneaky yourself. Who else could pull off dating two, or should we say three, ladies at a time? Sorry, lady killer, not my thing,” I said laughing and then quickly changed the subject. “So, I’m sorry your parents can’t make it until Ben’s birthday next month. I guess we should be glad they’ll make it at all.”
“Yeah, but the kids will enjoy that better I think. They’ll end up getting another batch of presents. You know my parents. They aren’t going to miss out on seeing their faces when they open up my parents’ gifts.”
“Good. I’d rather get the load they are getting this year put away before the other mother load comes in. I hope they don’t go too crazy, though. Since Pete died they have been sending little gifts in the mail each month. I guess it’s their way of coping and staying connected. Oh well, I guess it’s better without them this year anyway. It’ll be less people having to miss Pete on Christmas.”
“I know. Well, I better run girl. I’ll see you tomorrow about three?”
“Yes and don’t be late or we’ll never get a seat in church.”
“See you tomorrow.”
“Good night, Matt. And thanks again.”
As I watched him leave, I couldn’t help but think about Linda’s words that evening. She was wrong. He was my brother-in-law and showed no signs of a romantic interest. And I certainly couldn’t look at him in that way either. Our relationship was working out wonderfully the way it was. He was being a good brother and uncle and a great friend to me. Thinking those thoughts, I walked into my bedroom and was startled by Pete’s presence.
“Oh, Pete you scared me.”
“Sorry, angel. You look like you were in very deep thought just now.”
I was a little embarrassed that he noticed. Thank God he didn’t know what I was thinking about.
“Yeah, just feeling a little overwhelmed about Christmas Eve tomorrow. Everyone is really going to miss you there.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll be there. Only you will know it, but hopefully the family feels me enough not to be too sad.”
“I hope so. Every holiday for the next year will be a first for our family not having you around. We got through Thanksgiving okay. I think my dad’s idea to give out food at the soup kitchen was perfect. It made Thanksgiving have a totally different feel to it which helped keep our minds off of missing you. I mean, we missed you but—”
Pete interrupted, “You don’t have to explain. That’s what should be happening. I don’t want you all to be sad every holiday. I want you to move on and be happy. You’ll never forget me, I know that.”
“Never,” I said sadly. “I never will and I’m glad. I still miss you every day and think about what we would be doing if you were here. I hate that our new normal is without you. Your brot
her has been great though. I don’t know what I’d do without him.”
“You used to say that about me.”
Feeling really guilty at that moment, I tried to find the right response. Was my husband showing jealousy? How could he be jealous? Maybe it just made him sad. But he shouldn’t be sad either. That would be selfish of him, and that’s a feeling only a living person should have. Was I hurting my husband in his death? I was so confused.
“I’m just saying that he is doing things that I’m not able to do. He has taken a lot of the burden off. He’s by no means replacing you and could never do that. You wanted me to find a way to get along without you and not depend on you anymore. I guess I’m doing that. But if I didn’t have him, I would survive. And that certainly isn’t a feeling I had about you. I didn’t for a moment think I could survive without you. But God helped me overcome that doubt by sending you to me. And I believe your brother is a prayer answered too.”
“Yes, he is. I’m glad you realize that. But Catherine, you’re explaining yourself again. It’s not necessary for you to explain your feelings for my benefit. I’m glad you are doing well. I want that for you. Good night.”
“Good night, love,” I said as Pete faded. I thought about his words and realized that I was explaining things to him as if he was jealous. I guess I expected him to be jealous and perhaps maybe wanted him to be. I was allowing guilt to burden me, and Pete didn’t want that. I could tell by his calmness that he was okay with everything that was happening. I was feeling better but a part of me didn’t want to as I knew that could mean his departure for good.
The next morning was a busy one. I wrapped the rest of the little gifts before the children woke up and then solicited their help to clean up the house. My boys resisted but finally gave in with plenty of moans. After a while, I gave them the job of playing with Mary in her room while I finished up. Christmas Eve always seemed so hectic for me. I wanted everything in the house to be just right so I would be able to relax after church and have nothing to worry about that night. Going to Christmas Eve mass was a tradition. We would go to the earlier mass and then out to dinner. We would get home in time to take a few pictures and then send the children off to bed. A few hours later the presents would be put under the tree while enjoying a few glasses of wine, followed by a good night sleep. That year we would keep with the tradition. And since Matt joined us each year and always spent the night, the only difference would be the absence of Pete.
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