Three o’clock was approaching fast, and I was just beginning to put on my make-up. The boys, surprisingly, were already dressed. I let them play the Wii to keep them busy and clean. Mary was playing on the floor beside me in my bathroom. She would be the last to get dressed. I was standing in front of the mirror with my black, silky t-length skirt on and my bra. I had bought a lovely new top for Christmas Eve the day before and didn’t want to get make-up on it. Every once in a while, I would lean down to Mary and pretend to put some make-up on her too. I adored the way she puckered when I touched her lips with the lip brush. I longed for the innocence she still had.
I heard a knock on the door, and then it opened up. I could hear the boys yell “Uncle Matt’s here.” There he was; punctual as usual.
“Hello, Matt,” I yelled. “I’m still getting ready. Can you make sure the boys are still tucked in? And make sure their hair is still combed please.”
“Yes, your royal highness,” called Matt. The boys laughed hysterically and kept on repeating him.
I rolled my eyes and smiled. The scene was very familiar. Our home felt just as it did when Pete was alive. It was loud with the roars of happy children and full of wonderful chaos. Pete often teased me the way Matt had just done and for a very brief moment, I had forgotten that Pete was gone. That was our new normal indeed. And if it had to be without Pete, I was so thankful that his brother was still with us. Maybe this would be a pleasant and joyous Christmas after all.
I had to catch my breath when we walked into the living room. Matt looked so handsome in his black pants and red dress shirt. He wore a Grinch tie which, of course, was for the benefit of the children. I just didn’t remember how handsome he was until that moment. Matt usually showed up in his work clothes or sweats; clothing he could play around in pretty much. But all dressed up he was even more attractive. Was I wrong to think that way? No, I had always thought he was nice to look at, every woman must have. It was no different. It didn’t mean I was attracted to him romantically. Darn Linda for ever putting that into my head.
“Wow, look how pretty your mommy looks, boys. And you are a beauty too, Mary,” Matt said as he approached me to grab Mary’s little hand and give us both a kiss on the cheek. “Merry Christmas, ladies.”
“Merry Christmas to you too Uncle Matt. What Mary? Yes, I agree. Your uncle certainly cleans up well. You look very handsome, Matt. But look at my boys over there. No one could ever come close to them. Sorry, Matt. They’ll always have you beat.”
“That’s okay. I hate to admit that any guy is more handsome than myself, but I have to agree. Jacob and Ben look pretty dashing. Look out little ladies.”
The boys couldn’t help but smile. They did not like to get dressed up. Jacob always complained that he felt like a nerd when he had to tuck in his shirt and wear a belt. I think he looked in the mirror more than girls do, perhaps following in his uncle’s footsteps. And Ben, although not as difficult, sometimes complained about the way dress shirts felt. But that day they didn’t resist too much. After all, it was the eve of Jesus’ birthday, and they didn’t want to risk any of their toys. Jacob was wise to the whole Santa thing, but Ben still looked out for the watchful elves. We gathered Mary’s necessities and headed off to find a seat in church.
Nothing was more beautiful than the sound of the choir singing carols at Christmas time in the church. It was still early enough for the sun to shine delicately through the stained glass windows, but the church was only lit up with those sunbeams and candles, making it feel warm and intimate. The Christmas trees, undecorated, stood majestically on the altar, adorned with white lights and surrounded by bright red poinsettias. But none of the evergreen garland, wreaths, or flowers could compare to the splendor of the magnificent, almost alive, nativity scene that was displayed at the foot of the altar. We couldn’t wait for a quick close up of the Holy Family when we went up for Communion, and then we would wait for mass to end and for the crowd to disperse so we could walk up and stare in awe at the face of the Holy Babe. I could see the excitement in the eyes of my boys right away. It was such a beautiful moment.
Mass was lovely, and it felt so peaceful to hear the word of God spoken that Christmas Eve. I had such an overwhelming calm feeling as if I had truly healed. I wasn’t feeling the urgent need to get home to see Pete. But for some reason, I didn’t have guilt about that. Instead, I was thankful that Pete was there for me the many months that I needed him. I knew he was gone, but until now I couldn’t say the phrase gone forever. I realized in that moment that gone forever would soon be inevitable. But I didn’t dread that anymore. No, I would be alright. With peace flowing through my mind, I looked at my children one by one and then back again several times. We would all be alright. The last hymn was sung, and the church was practically empty. It was time to take the children to see the Nativity and then make our way to dinner.
The five of us were having a wonderful dinner together. Seated at a lovely linen covered table at Oceanfront Steakhouse, a new upscale restaurant by the beach, Matt and I sipped Chianti while the boys drank Roy Rogers with several cherries on a sword. Mary was stuck with her milk, but she didn’t seem to mind. We all laughed and reminisced about Christmas’ past, and it brought joy and tears of laughter rather than sadness and sobbing when we spoke of Pete. He would always be kept alive in our memories and stories and in our children in years to come. Our life was filled with so many blessings and so much love that it was comforting to speak of them. Just as we all miss the wonders of childhood, we missed Pete in the same way. When Mary started throwing the remains of the bread at her brothers, we knew it was time to head home.
“Uh, finally we can relax. I thought they’d never get to sleep,” I said exhausted from setting up the gifts and stuffing stockings. I grabbed my glass of wine and stood up away from the tree looking at all of the beautifully wrapped gifts and the twinkling lights that lit up all of the ornaments the boys had made over the years. It made me smile.
“Can you blame them? They are too excited for the morning. But at least they fell asleep fast enough for us to finish this before 1:00 a.m.”
“That’s true. Matt, thank you so much for being here for us,” I said as I lifted my glass for him to clink.
“Are you kidding? I wouldn’t miss this for anything. It’s a tradition anyway. This is where I belong.”
“No, I mean here for us every day. You are taking on so much that you shouldn’t have to. You pretty much gave up your social life to be with us.”
By that time of the evening, the both of us had already shared a bottle of Chianti at dinner and were finishing the second one since we had gotten home.
“I don’t need the kind of social life you are referring to, Catherine. I love being with you and the boys. It’s no different than it was before Pete died. I was always bothering you guys.”
“Yeah,” I said with a tilt of my head and a grin, “but you always had a girl on your shoulder at the boys’ games and when you watched the kids for us. You didn’t spend most of your weekends with us. You were at bars flirting with the ladies.”
“Are you telling me you don’t want me around anymore?” he said with sarcasm.
“Of course not, Matt. We all love having you around. I just don’t want you to sacrifice anything for us.”
“It’s not a sacrifice, Catherine,” Matt said as he put his glass down on the coffee table and walked over me. He took my glass out of my hand and placed it next to his, and then took my hands in his. He stared into my eyes with such seriousness. “Catherine, you have all been my world for so long. I would rather be nowhere else. I am fulfilled just by spending time with all of you. I’ve always been a little jealous of my brother and the life he had with you. Don’t get me wrong. I was happy for him. I just knew I would never have what he did.”
“That’s not true, Matt. There’s not a woman alive who wouldn’t want to have a l
ife with you.”
“Well, there was one. And I accepted that she was swooped up by my brother,” he said with a flirty, yet serious smile.
I smiled and tried to hide my embarrassment. Matt continued.
“But the reality is, there is no one else like you, Catherine. You are perfect. You are beautiful, smart, funny, and there could be no more perfect wife and mother. If there is no one else out there like you, I don’t want any of them.”
He then let go of one of my hands and moved his hand to my face. He looked into my eyes as he ran his fingers over my cheek and then let his eyes follow his fingers to my lips. He moved his fingers back over my cheek and my hair and then gently pulled my lips to his. We kissed slowly, gently, and my hands moved up to his cheeks. We kissed passionately, yet with sweetness. I opened my eyes just slightly enough to see his face. When I did that, I saw Pete staring at us in the background. I jumped back. I was stunned, startled, and felt like I was caught in bed with someone I was having an affair with.
“What’s wrong?” Matt said with concern and confusion.
“Pete.”
The instant I spoke his name he went away.
“What?” asked Matt.
Oh my, I almost told him that Pete was there. How could I explain that to Matt? What would I say?
“I’m sorry, I, I, I don’t know. Um, I guess I just had a glimpse of Pete in my mind, and I don’t know if this is okay,” I said stuttering with nervousness.
“Catherine, I’m sorry. This is strange for me too, but Pete’s gone and you have nothing to feel guilty about.”
“I know, but I do. I mean, you’re his brother. I feel like I just cheated on him. I’m sorry, I just can’t.”
“No, Catherine, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you like that.”
“You didn’t take advantage of me, Matt. I wanted to kiss you.”
“But you are freaking out and maybe you’re right. Maybe this is just too weird. Let’s just blame the wine and forget about it. I’ll just go.”
“No, Matt. You always spend the night on Christmas Eve. Don’t leave because of this, please. It’s okay.”
“No, I’ll go. It’s probably better that I do. I’ll be back before they wake up. I’ll slip in the back door, and they won’t know the difference. I think we both need to get a good night sleep and try to forget about this.”
“Alright, alright, but please don’t feel bad, Matt.”
He smiled and walked out the front door. He said we should try to forget about it, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to. I didn’t think I could ever be kissed like that again, and I liked it. I knew it couldn’t happen again, but for those moments I felt like a desirable woman again. I turned and slowly walked to my bedroom with much hesitation because I knew Pete would be there waiting. And he was. I walked in and closed the door before turning towards him.
“Pete, you have to stop this, this showing up at awkward and inappropriate times.”
“Do you want me to leave you?”
“No, no, stay. It’s not like that. I don’t want you to leave just to, well, stop interfering.”
“Interfering?”
“Yes, I know I needed you to guide me when you were here, and yes, you pretty much made all of my decisions because they were always our decisions. But now, they are only my decisions, and they are mine to make. Does that make sense?”
“You said a mouthful there, but it makes sense. You wanted me here, and I am.”
“Yes, to help me. But I don’t need your help right now. I don’t always need it, Pete. Sometimes I can handle things on my own.”
“Are you sure?”
“What? Now you are doubting me?” I said with resentment. “What happened to you telling me I was strong and could do it on my own? Now it sounds like you lost confidence in me.”
“That’s not what I mean,” he said in a calming tone. “I just want to make sure. I don’t want you to make any wrong choices.”
“Like kissing your brother.”
“Like kissing my brother and regretting it tomorrow.”
“But why? I admit it was a mistake. We were just feeling very close at that moment, and we just kind of ran with it. Nothing else would have happened, and I’m sure it won’t happen again. It was just a little Christmas kiss, that’s all.”
“As long as you’re sure about that. You should be leaning on each other. Just make sure your feelings are expressed just as they are in your heart. I don’t want either of you confusing your feelings or getting hurt.”
“Now you think I can’t sort out my own feelings? You don’t think I would have stopped it myself, do you?”
I calmed down when I asked that question because I could tell it bothered Pete to have me raise my voice at him. It was as if a part of him didn’t want to let go now. Or maybe he was feeling his presence was no longer a good thing. Was I keeping him there too long?
“I don’t know,” Pete replied. “I just wanted to make sure you knew what you were doing. You just told me it was a mistake so maybe it was a good thing that you saw me, even though I didn’t intend for you to see me.”
I realized that we were having a little spat like we would have if we were dating. It was awkward. Was he losing his confidence in me to take care of myself without him, or was he becoming attached himself? I thought a problem was brewing. I may have managed to reattach him to our life. He was no longer ready to let go. But was I ready? Wow, I never thought I would wonder about that. I begged and pleaded for him to come back to me. I cried for him never to leave me. And then, I wished he wasn’t there as much as he was. He was the one not wanting to leave. What had I done? That’s why God does not make it a habit of allowing loved ones to return to us in spirit.
“I don’t want you to go but you are starting to be hurt by this. I don’t want anyone else. When I met Colin at the bar, I could have given him my number. We could be dating right now. But I didn’t want that. I wasn’t ready then, and I’m certainly not ready now. All I really want is to be able to be in your arms again,” I said as a tear rolled down my cheek. “But you and I both know that is not possible. Not here. Your brother and I have always been close. We’re good friends and family. That comfort with each other, mixed with a little wine and the spirit of Christmas, just brought on an innocent kiss.”
I smiled and attempted a little giggle to lighten the mood.
“It’s not a joke, Catherine. He loves you.”
“And I love him. I always have, as a brother-in-law. The kiss was innocent. We were just two great friends feeling a little vulnerable, a little lonely, and a little tipsy. But that’s nothing compared to what I felt for you and still do. Pete, let it go, please. I love you. But it’s time that I go to sleep.”
As I turned and walked towards the bathroom Pete spoke once more. “Be careful, Catherine. I know he loves you differently now. Just be sure of your feelings for both of your sakes.” And with that, he left.
Chapter 14
What Happened On Christmas Eve, Stays On Christmas Eve
Matt kept his word and slipped in the back door Christmas morning. He actually slept in his car since he was responsible and had drank too much to drive. I was only in a light sleep all night, so I heard him sneak in around five. As always, he had perfect timing. He knew from previous years that the boys were early risers and even earlier risers on Christmas morning. By six-thirty, Jacob and Ben were running into my room and jumping on my bed.
“Wake up, Mommy,” they kept yelling in unison.
“Good morning and Merry Christmas Ben, Jacob,” I said with a smile and lots of hugs and kisses. “Don’t you want to cuddle with Mommy for another hour or so?”
“No,” they again shouted in unison.
There was no sense in fighting it. They were wide awake and not about to lie do
wn again. So, I reached for my bathrobe but quickly decided to throw on some sweats instead. Matt was used to seeing me in bathrobes, but I just felt a little funny after the night before. I didn’t want him to think I did it on purpose, so I put on a set that could easily pass as pajamas. I threw my hair up into a pony tail and met the boys by the tree.
“Hang on, guys. Let me put some coffee on for your uncle and me, and then you can tear into Santa’s gifts. By the way, I let Santa off the hook this year again. The good stuff is from me.”
I headed into the kitchen and smelled the fresh aroma of coffee already made. Matt had set the timer when he showed up that morning. What a thoughtful man. I poured myself a cup, and as I turned to open the fridge for some creamer I heard his voice.
“Merry Christmas, boys. Man, Santa was good to you. I think you should give some of that stuff to me. I still like to play.”
“No way,” shouted Ben.
“Grow up, man,” replied Jacob sarcastically.
Matt laughed and made his way into the kitchen. Our eyes met, and we both said good morning with a little uneasiness and embarrassment. Then I smiled a big, sly smile and winked to let him know all was okay. We both giggled, and the weight of the kiss was lifted off of our shoulders. I walked over to him and gave him a big hug.
“Merry Christmas, Matt.”
“Merry Christmas, Catherine,” he said as we let go.
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