We stared again for a few short seconds and smiled. The comfort was there again. With unspoken words, we told each other that there was no reason to speak of Christmas Eve. We were in sync with our feelings, and we would move on. I poured him some coffee, and we headed into the living room prepared for the mess of wrapping paper the boys were about to make. I put on some Christmas music and sat down by the tree next to Matt and the boys.
The boys finally finished tearing everything apart and Mary, good old Mary, was just waking up in time for breakfast at eight o’clock. I began to walk towards her room, but Matt insisted on getting her so I could get the donuts on the table. We always had a very easy Christmas breakfast so I could both enjoy the morning and not have to make anymore dirty dishes. Besides, I always hosted Christmas at our house so cooking dinner for a houseful was enough food prep for the day.
The rest of the morning was uneventful. Matt helped put together toys and clean up the living room while I began preparing for dinner. He kept the children occupied by playing with them inside and outside until early afternoon when my parents arrived. My father joined him while my mother helped me prepare the meal. It was just like any other Christmas but without Pete. I tried taking my mind off of missing him, but it was hard after the conversation I had with him the night before. The kiss wouldn’t happen again, and it wasn’t anything to feel guilty about. Matt and I wouldn’t speak of it again, and I prayed that he would go home before my parents as to avoid any awkward moments in the evening. I decided against telling my parents about the kiss and knew there was no way I would tell Linda. I could hear her I told you so loud and clear in my head without her having to say it out loud. There was no point stirring it up. It was better to leave it alone.
During dinner, we kept our minds off of the empty seat by telling Matt all of the details about Thanksgiving. Jacob told us that he saw one of the boys in his school but didn’t tell anyone that he saw the boy at the soup kitchen. Both of them described how fun it was to play with the others and how much they had in common. They expressed wanting to help those families in other ways as well. Ben even decided which toys he wanted to donate to the children. I talked him into saving them for next Thanksgiving. We planned on taking many toys, clothes, and hygiene necessities for the people the following year. Our Christmas dinner turned into a charity planning for the following year which was very satisfying.
The evening came to a close and Matt went home. Shortly after my parents left, it was just my children and me left sitting around the beautifully lit up Christmas tree. Ben wanted to turn off the lights and look at the tree in the dark. We all agreed. The four of us stared in awe at the lovely tree. Our living room was also dimly lit by the moonbeams shining through.
“I missed Dad today,” Jacob said breaking the silence.
“Me too,” said Ben.
“Dada,” continued Mary, and we smiled weakly at her.
“I know boys. I missed Daddy too. But he’s here with us, just as he was the night he passed. He’ll always be here with us,” I said with a quiet confidence.
We hugged each other for several minutes while we stared at the tree. The faint sound of gospel Christmas carols played from the stereo in the background. We were a bit sad, but yet very content. Our family was still solid. Still stable. Both of which I couldn’t have imagined when Pete first died. We had gotten through the hardest moments together. All of us had grown. I knew that it wasn’t Pete who really helped me, but God’s intervention. After all, Pete wouldn’t have come to me if it wasn’t for his work. I loved Pete so much but knew I wasn’t truly facing life without him if I continued to lean on him. I didn’t want to say good-bye to him, but I knew I would have to do so soon. But for that moment, I was enjoying the love of our new family unit by the lights of our tree, next to the nativity scene. My eyes moved to the little figure of Baby Jesus, and then I raised my head to look up. “Thank you, Jesus,” I whispered. “Happy Birthday.”
Chapter 15
If You Love Something, Set It Free
New Year’s Eve had come and gone. We hosted a party and invited all of our employees from the garage, as well as our family and some close friends. I felt the need to stay home that year and actually let my boys host a sleepover for Jesse. The three of them had their own party in Jacob’s room with movies and snacks all night. The laid back party and full house helped Matt and me avoid another awkward kiss. At midnight, we shared a quick kiss just as we did with the rest of our family and friends. Of course, Linda watched us like a hawk. But there was nothing to see. It was a great New Year’s Eve. When I went to bed around 2:00 a.m., Pete wasn’t in my room. But as I dozed off, I felt a kiss on my cheek and heard him whisper, “Happy New Year, angel.”
Two weeks later, my little Ben was about to turn seven years old, so we were preparing for a birthday party. That was the first family celebration after Pete’s death where I did not feel anxious about celebrating without him. I was able to just focus on the blessing that Ben was to me and couldn’t wait to thank God for another year. It was mid-January, and there was a chill in the air. Our pool was heated, so the chilly days did not take away from our romps in the pool. The boys, of course, were in their bathing suits waiting to go swimming. While I was decorating the cake that morning, Jacob and Ben constantly bugged me to go in the pool. Over and over again I told them to wait until the chill in the air wore off and until the rest of our family showed up for the birthday Bar-be-cue. It really didn’t matter how precise I was with my directions or how consistent I was with following through; my boys always kept on trying to wear me down. I’m proud to say it didn’t work.
Linda and Jesse were the first to arrive as usual. We sent the boys off into the bedroom to play Legos while we made them wait very impatiently for the rest of the family to arrive. No other friends were invited that year. Ben just wanted a small party with all of us. I think he somehow appreciated his family even more since Pete’s death. For his age, he was a very sentimental little boy and so full of love. It’s what made him so very special. I was not disappointed with Ben’s decision. After all, I’d rather not have had a bunch of rowdy boys running around the house.
As I paced back and forth around the kitchen setting up all of the food and fixings for the party, Linda and I talked about the school year while she kept Mary occupied with coloring. Our boys were doing well in school, and Jacob had finally settled into his new school year without his father. Basketball was going well for Jacob and Jesse, and Matt was pitching in as an assistant coach. Linda made her usual snide remarks about our relationship, but I ignored her. I still hadn’t told her about Christmas Eve, and I was pretty much busting at the seams to do so. I always told her everything, but I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her she was right about his feelings towards me. Despite what Pete said, I didn’t truly believe it was romantic feelings that brought on the kiss but rather comfort and wine.
Just as I was about to let Linda in on my secret, my parents walked in followed by Matt and his parents. My in-laws had flown in the day before. We had dinner with them at Matt’s house when they arrived, and I was able to grieve with them for the first time since I wasn’t with them at the funeral. And the children had a second Christmas with all of the gifts they brought. It was nice to have them there for Ben’s party as well. Our little party was complete. The boys immediately ran out to greet everyone and then looked at me with a silent look that asked, “Can we go in now?”
“Alright boys, you may now go into the pool,” I announced.
They had practically dived in by the time I said the word pool. I welcomed Pete’s parents, and then they quickly got Mary and joined the boys in the pool. They missed the children terribly and spent every minute with them. I turned on the music and the grill and got ready for an exciting, yet relaxing day with the ones I loved most.
As expected, Matt took over at the grill with some help from my father. It was
nice to still have men taking care of me. I never had a moment where I felt like there was something I couldn’t take care of. If the pool pump wasn’t working or there was a problem with something inside of the house, I’d call my father. If there was a car issue, I’d call Matt. It was pretty much the same routine as when Pete was away with the reserves. The only difference I was feeling by that time was that he wasn’t coming back. I had come to terms with that by Ben’s birthday. Pete’s visits had become a little more random. Perhaps that’s because I no longer felt like I needed him. It was a strange revelation. I still loved his visits, but they had become like visits from an old friend; lovely when they occurred but not missed too much when they didn’t happen. Pete must have sensed that because he seemed to want to linger as I said good night in an attempt to say good-bye.
I was feeling much stronger and able to take care of myself and our family. When Pete first died, I was like a lost country kitten in the middle of a big city. I felt hopeless and confused, not sure how to function. In desperation, I would call to Pete to come and help me. He did. Pete would offer advice and direction and nudge me to believe in myself. But somehow the needs shifted and the visits were transformed. Pete would come to me when I didn’t feel like I needed him, and he would try to guide me with decisions I wanted to make on my own. He was the one more reluctant to go while I felt more at ease and independent. Ben’s birthday would prove to be a pivotal time in our life, death relationship.
Most of the day was an ordinary, lovely birthday gathering. We enjoyed chicken and burgers on the grill, accompanied by tomato salad, cold spinach dip, chips, and wine. The children ate their meals at their own table while soaking wet from the pool. They laughed, showed their chewed up foods, and burped for the entertainment of each other. Mary, sitting with the adults, looked over her shoulder at the loud boys and giggled. Yes, the sound of burping little boys and Mary’s giggles represented a very happy time in our lives. The cake was served immediately after all had eaten, and like the meal, it was a typical part of the celebration. The presents came next, and Ben oohed and aahed over the Legos, cars, and clothes. And when he opened the birthday card with a check from Pete’s parents, he couldn’t contain his anxiousness to go and spend it. Yes, a typical, beautiful, birthday party.
Later in the evening, my parents said their good-byes leaving Linda, Matt, and his parents at the house. Things had quieted down but the boys were still enjoying their time in the pool with their grandparents. Mary was in bed, and Linda was on the patio with the others while I cleaned up in the kitchen. Matt was bringing things in from the deck for me to put away. Ben ran in his room to get his new water gun for the tail end of the pool party. He emerged from his room with gun in hand and the model that Pete had helped him make the evening that he visited all of us.
“Uncle Matt, did you see the model Daddy made with me when he came to visit?”
“No, let’s see,” Matt replied a little perplexed by the comment about Pete visiting. “Was this from the last time your dad was home?”
“No, it’s when he went away but came back in the night before he died to say good-bye. He visited all of us. Then we went to his funeral.”
“Oh,” said Matt even more confused but choosing not to probe. He shot me a questioning look.
Ben took the model back to his room and then raced out to the pool. I was hoping Matt wouldn’t ask about what Ben said, but I knew it was coming.
“The day before he died?” Matt asked me quietly knowing very well that we did not see Pete the day before he died. Matt put two and two together and realized that Ben related Pete’s death to the day he found out, when I went to the hospital.
“Catherine? What is Ben talking about? Is he a little confused?”
“No,” I replied as a matter of fact.
“No?” Matt asked with eyes wide open pulling me by the arm into the living room.
“No, he’s not confused. Pete visited us the night before I found out that he was dead.”
“What?”
“Yes, we all sat down and talked a few months ago about it. Pete came to see all four of us. And he still comes to me.”
“Catherine, the boys think he visited them when he was dead?”
“No, the boys know he visited them to say his last good-bye. It’s all very special.”
“Wait, you said Pete still visits you.”
“Yes. You know how hard it was for me when he died. But he’s what got me through it. If it weren’t for him coming to me in the hospital, I may have never snapped out of it.”
I continued telling Matt everything about the hospital and subsequent visits, including the one at the bar. It wasn’t like when I told Linda. Matt accepted everything I said as truth. And despite the incredible nature of it all, he did not doubt my sanity. It was a great feeling.
“Why didn’t you tell me this?”
“I thought you would think I’m nuts like Linda did.”
“I would never think that, Catherine. I believe you.” And then Matt remembered our kiss. At that point he looked pretty angry. “Wait. Was he there when we—” Matt couldn’t finish the sentence.
“Kissed?” I finished for him. “Yes, that’s why I stopped.”
“What?” Matt yelled and then looked over his shoulder to make sure no one was there. “Oh man, my brother was watching us, he saw us.”
“He’s dead Matt, and we talked about it that night.”
“What?” he interrupted. “You talked to Pete about it. Man, you cheated on him. I kissed my brother’s wife.”
“He’s dead Matt. We did nothing wrong. You didn’t kiss his wife. You kissed his widow. He isn’t mad, heck, I’ll kiss you again to prove it.”
“Don’t you dare.”
“I’m kidding, lighten up.”
“It isn’t funny, Catherine. You should have told me this. If I knew he was here peeping around I would never have kissed you. This is crazy.”
“Matt, I know this is weird, but you are acting like he’s alive and you didn’t know it. He’s dead. It took me a really long time to admit it and accept it, but I have. I’m sorry I told you.”
“No, don’t be sorry.” Matt ran his fingers through his hair and paced in a circle. “I just don’t know what to make of this. What do we do?”
“Just let it go,” I replied coming to a realization. “We just let it go and do nothing. We just keep on living our lives.”
I knew at that moment when I spoke those words exactly what I had to do. It was time to live my life the way it was meant to be. It was time to let go. Matt turned away not wanting to talk about it anymore. We finished cleaning up and eventually everyone left.
“Nice party.”
I turned to see Pete standing by the window in our bedroom. I was getting ready to turn in for the night and had just gotten on my night gown. I was wearing the white chiffon baby doll that I bought for our honeymoon so many years prior.
“You look just as beautiful as the first time you wore that for me on our honeymoon,” Pete said with a look of longing on his face.
“Hi, love,” I said looking at him with a coy smile. “It was a lovely birthday today. Ben was so happy to be with the family. He showed Matt the model you made with him.”
“I know.”
“So do you also know I told your brother about you?”
“Yes, I was there. I didn’t let you see me.”
“Really? Are you so advanced now that you can decide not to show yourself?” I said that jokingly but knew it was turning into a very serious conversation.
“I guess you can say that,” Pete replied with the same attempt at humor but not able to hide the seriousness. “I do it a lot because I don’t think you want me around as much. But I can’t seem to stay away from you. I also heard your words to Matt and that confirmed it for me.”
“Pete, I think you are becoming too attached, too human. You weren’t like this in the beginning.”
“I know. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I wasn’t supposed to interfere. But now, I just can’t let you go.”
“You have to, Pete. I love you, but I love you too much to keep your soul trapped here. I was unfair to pull you here.”
“I must have wanted it badly enough. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here, Catherine. I like watching all of you. I love being with all of you, even if you don’t know I’m there. Please tell my brother I’m thankful he’s taking care of you.”
“I will. But Pete, we do know you are here with us, even if we don’t see you. We will always feel you with us,” I said softly knowing this was a good-bye.
“No matter what happens in the future, no one will ever or can ever replace the love we had. No one. And it would just be temporary until you and I meet again. And we will.”
“I know, angel.”
“Pete, I have to let you go,” I said putting my head down trying unsuccessfully to hold back the tears that fell down my cheeks. I felt Pete’s touch on my cheeks wiping the tears away. I hadn’t felt his touch in so long. I closed my eyes and held onto the moment trying to memorize every slow stroke. I felt the love we had for so many years and the joy we shared together. And in that moment, I felt peace. I realized that the touch was gone. I opened my eyes and saw that Pete was no longer there. I had set him free. That night, at that moment, I released him. He was free to rest in peace.
On rare occasions, I would still see him as I glanced over my shoulder and a few times he visited me in my dreams. It wasn’t until several years later that he stopped appearing to me all together. But at that moment, we were both set free to live out our lives the way God intended. And his life no longer belonged there with me.
Epilogue
Yes, today is a wonderful day to be alive. I hear the birds chirping happy songs, the squirrels scurrying up trees with acorns, and the laughter of young children outside of my window. Those beautiful sunbeams that I feel on my face are indeed the magnificent lights of Heaven. I hear my shepherd calling me to his flock. It is time to go. I only pray that my sweet Jesus will help my children through this time as he had when I lost my husband all those years ago. I know he will. I’m not worried. I cannot feel worry at all. I feel nothing but peace right now. Yes, it was a wonderful life.
Soldier from Heaven (9781629021911) Page 11
