Alice in La La Land

by Sophie Lee

  'Cunt,' she heard him say, just below his breath so no one else would hear. His fingers jabbed her spine and he quickly adopted a tone a health professional would reserve for patients experiencing their first psychotic break.

  'That's it, Alice, that's fine. It was great you did that, but we've got all we need for now, okay? I had no idea you were under so much pressure, sweetheart. That's all fine, all done, all finished.' He took her gently by the arm and led her to the door.

  Still in performance mode, Alice launched into the serenity prayer that concluded the scene. 'And the wisdom to know the difference!' she yelled as the door closed.

  Once they were through the door, Conrad shoved Alice roughly into the centre of the waiting room, his fingers pinched hard into the soft flesh of her underarm.

  Alice stopped performing. Conrad's breathing sounded ragged, as if keeping his cool had taken every morsel of self-control. He looked mortified, disgusted, as though he wanted to hit her. Alice leaned forward and flicked Conrad's Arri cap clean off his head.

  He exploded. 'What is your fucking problem, Alice? Have you lost it?' His face was drained of colour and his eyes appeared black, like rocks in a pale sea. 'Now, I had to pull some serious strings to even get you in there and you throw it back in my face? Since when did you become so fucking . . . unprofessional?' he spat. He stared at her with unmasked hatred.

  Alice felt the urge to vomit. She watched Conrad's hand jitter back and forth and guessed he was gagging for a cigarette.

  'You're a fucking embarrassment,' he said quietly. 'You know that? You were an embarrassment in Citrus Days and you're still an embarrassment, fucking up my work, here in LA.' He stuffed his hand into the pocket of his Marc Jacobs jeans and withdrew some gum, toying with it in his restless fingers. 'Did you ever think the calibre of the performances may have had something to do with my play being canned,' he ranted, 'because some key members of the cast couldn't take direction properly? Didn't have the skill to convey the meaning of the work? It's more metaphysical aspects?' He unwrapped the gum and stuffed it into his mouth. 'It's your fault the play went tits-up, and you have the fucking gall to ask me to pay you back the money? Give me a break.' He was regaining his composure, continuing in a calmer tone. The gum seemed to have soothed his temper.

  Alice felt an unspeakable pain in her chest she knew had nothing to do with her flu. 'Oh,' she said softly.

  'And as if to prove my point, here you are, ignoring my direction again, behaving as though the world owes you a living. Poor Alice,' he sneered. He turned around and looked back at the casting room door. 'Nothing changes, does it, Alice? It always has to be all about you, doesn't it? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a film to cast.'

  Zippy stuck her head round the doorway and held out Alice's satchel. 'You forgot this, hon.' The Vicks Vapor Rub fell out of the interior pocket and rolled to Alice's feet. She leaned forward numbly to pick it up. 'Conrad, I'm calling in Jo-Jo Harrison when you're ready,' said Zippy.

  Alice looked around and saw the celery-haired actress seated behind her, grinning smugly like a Cheshire cat.

  'So long, Alice,' Conrad smiled, as if they'd just concluded a friendly chat.

  Jo-Jo stepped forward and picked up Conrad's baseball cap, revealing some impressive inches of cleavage.

  'Thanks,' he said. 'Wanna come through, Jo-Jo?'

  14

  'I shall be punished for it now, I suppose, by being drowned in my own tears!'

  Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

  There wasn't a great deal to pack. Her luggage had never been entirely unpacked to begin with. Alice grabbed her stray possessions from around the room and shoved them on top of the piles still folded in her suitcase. She picked up her copy of Chekhov's The Seagull and tried to throw it in; it missed, landing neatly beside the script for Looly Down Under. Seeing the two works side by side reminded Alice how low she had descended.

  'Where's my passport?' She wrenched the one dress she'd managed to hang by a hook on the back of the door, sending Neville's belts and necklaces flying. Her voice was choked and panicky; the sound of it scared her and Alice tried to focus on completing the task as quietly as she could. She wiped her nose on the back of her hand. The large grey cat appeared, keen to investigate the commotion. The fur around his head was matted with a sticky substance that may have been molasses or one of Shauna's face scrubs. Alice stared at it. For once it looked chastened and retreated with a strangled grunt.

  Alice caught sight of the patent heels she'd worn to the races with Nick and felt a pang of regret. She'd promised him she'd go straight back to the Secret Palms to celebrate her audition. With Conrad's words still ringing in her ears, she hadn't been able to face anyone. Clearly, she had behaved like a lunatic this morning. She was beginning to see the world quite differently. Perhaps everyone found her an embarrassment? She stuffed the heels further down into her case.

  She had nearly completed her packing when she became aware of an insistent banging at the front of the apartment. Alice ignored it and went to search the bathroom for her fish oil tablets.

  'Omega 3, very important for mental wellbeing.' She had so much adrenalin coursing through her system that her cold symptoms had evaporated.

  'Alice, let me in!' yelled an Irish voice from the back steps. Alice heard the back door rattle. 'What the hell happened? Your phone's turned off; you've been with your ex-boyfriend all morning, what the hell was I supposed to think?' He paused. 'Alice, I know you're in there, your car's out the back.' He knocked again. 'I need to talk to you about something, for God's sake!'

  Alice froze. She swallowed a lump of shame and took slow steps to the back door and opened it. She put her hand up in front of her face and waggled her fingers. The gesture left her feeling even more pathetic so she turned and headed back to the bedroom. She zipped her fish oil tablets into her makeup bag and placed it in the centre of her suitcase.

  'What's going on? What happened?' he asked quietly.

  'I'm just going to spare everyone, okay?' she managed to reply. It suddenly occurred to her that Nick might think she was packing because she got the job, and she started laughing hollowly; it sounded like a toddler's hiccups.

  'Alice, what the fuck is going on?' Nick demanded, standing in the bedroom doorway and staring at her, then at her suitcase.

  'I'm going home,' she said finally, staring at the floor. 'It's done, it's over. I may as well get back to work in the cake shop.'

  'Hold on a sec. Did you know that I . . . ?' he stopped talking and changed tack. 'But your audition?' he asked, scratching his head. 'Did you forget your lines or something?'

  Alice looked up at him. He was wearing the holey T-shirt. Alice couldn't remember seeing him ever look so handsome and it hurt desperately to disappoint him. She looked back at the floor. 'Oh, I remembered my lines all right,' she mumbled. 'I even remembered the lines of characters I was never meant to play, and said them out loud until security was called and I was escorted from the premises.'

  'What?'

  Nick's question was interrupted by the sounds of giggling from the laundry. A male voice said, 'And that's when I said to De Niro, "Hell, you can come on my yacht this summer, and we can talk about it over a bottle of Cristal."'

  Alice and Nick turned to see Shauna and Lenny now standing in the hall.

  'Hey, Alice. I've missed you, homie,' said Shauna. She looked pale and her hair was messy. 'Where've you been?'

  'Oh, you know, around and about,' Alice replied, looking from Shauna to Lenny. Lenny was sporting a reddish tan. He wore sunglasses and a Hawaiian shirt and was furiously chewing his trademark gum.

  'What're you guys up to?' Alice asked.

  'Lenny's been real nice going into bat for me for Dorothy Navigator, Alice. Looks like I might even be signing a contract real soon.' Shauna smiled down at Lenny who was a good three inches shorter than she was.

  'Really, Lenny? Nice. Generous,' said Alice nodding thoughtfully. 'But . . . I guess I'm jus
t wondering how it is that today's Variety reports Angelina Jolie is confirmed for that very job?'

  Shauna looked confused.

  'Front page,' said Alice sympathetically.

  'No,' Shauna said, shaking her head. 'You said that they said she's not bankable anymore . . .' she addressed the top of Lenny's head.

  'Not bankable, Lenny?' scoffed Alice. 'Her last film took over one hundred million dollars at the box office. She's possibly the most sought-after actress in Hollywood.' Alice could hear insistent drumming in her left ear. Lenny continued to chew gum and seemed completely unruffled. He even slipped a possessive hand on Shauna's behind.

  'Lenny,' Alice sighed, taking a step forward. 'I'm sorry, mate. You need your bum booted.'

  Lenny laughed so hard his chewing gum flew out. 'Huh?' he hooted. 'Who's gonna kick my ass? Some fat nobody from Down Under?'

  Alice bristled. She heard Shauna's sharp intake of breath.

  'Alice,' Nick warned.

  'Yeah, I think I might,' Alice replied, stepping closer and staring down at him. Even with his cowboy boots, he was still an inch shorter. Who teamed cowboy boots with a Hawaiian shirt anyway?

  'Let me tell you something,' Alice heard herself saying. 'If you continue to string my friend along with your lies and bullshit I'm going to totally lose it. Now, I've had a really shitty morning, and I'm just going to ask you to leave. Is that cool, Shauna?' She gestured to her friend. 'I need a word with my mate about why she's seeing someone who A, left her to get nearly murdered by a psycho cab driver, and who B, keeps telling fibs about a film that according to Variety is as good as cast.' She paused and took a deep breath to control her growing disgust. 'Now, please, get the fuck out of here before I go completely mental and someone has to call the cops.'

  Alice was aware that Nick was standing close behind her and she felt backed up by his presence.

  'Your friend's a fuckin' wack job, Shauna. I'm outta here. Comin'?'

  He paused confidently and held out a stubby hand. Shauna shook her head. 'Nuh-uh, Lenny,' she said in a small voice. 'I'm going to check out Variety online and see what's up. By the way, if you call my friend another shitty name I'm going to have to get my big brother over here from Simi Valley. Okay?'

  Lenny sneered from behind his sunglasses but the mention of Shauna's brother seemed to give him a second's pause.

  'You'll never work in this town, you fat feminist space cadet,' Lenny spat at Alice. 'I'll see to it myself.' He turned and walked out, his red cowboy boots clicking on the wooden floor.

  Alice turned to Shauna. 'Are you okay, buddy? I'm sorry you had to find out about Dorothy Navigator that way.'

  'Whoa, girl, you are frickin' on fire today!' Shauna exclaimed. 'Who the hell is he calling you fat, Alice? That's way out of line.' She sounded horrified. For Shauna there could be no worse insult.

  Alice was aware of a molten force of anger in her middle propelling her forward. 'If you'll excuse me, there's one more thing I have to do,' Alice explained to both Shauna and Nick.

  'Wait, Alice. I need to talk to you about something,' Nick said.

  Alice could hear the urgency in his tone but decided that whatever it was, it would have to wait.

  'This will only take a minute,' Alice replied, feeling dangerously calm as she walked to the back door. 'I promise.' She took the back steps two at a time, gathering momentum as she went. She got into her car and headed back towards North Beverly Boulevard.

  15

  'Collar that Dormouse!' the Queen shrieked out.

  Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

  Half a dozen actresses were assembled in Zippy Goldman's waiting room when Alice returned. She recognised two of them as being quite famous up-and-comers, and also noticed Molly, the friendly redhead with the frayed backpack, sitting in the far corner, her head down in a paperback.

  These actresses were exceedingly thin and confident. One of them flexed prettily near the potted palm, script pages flapping in her manicured hand. Alice ignored them, walking straight past the group and opened the door to the audition room. She heard one of the women behind her gasp at such a serious breach of protocol.

  Celestia Bannow was halfway through the monologue that Alice had attempted less than one hour before. She was crying impressively through her waterproof mascara, wearing a quirky crimson dress that offset her gorgeously high-lit tresses.

  Conrad looked both shocked and disgusted to see her. He muttered something foul under his breath. For once, Celestia appeared to lose her train of thought. She murmured something about glue-sniffing then stopped completely.

  'I apologise, Celestia,' Alice began, walking across the sea grass carpet into the centre of the room. 'This will only take a moment. I know how adept you are at switching it on and off; I'm sure that picking up again will be a breeze. She's just that good,' said Alice, addressing the room.

  'Zippy, can you call security?' Marty called, then added, 'Alice, are you on medication?'

  'No,' said Alice.

  'She's nuts,' Marty remarked to Conrad.

  'I apologise,' Conrad stuttered, looking exceedingly uncomfortable.

  'Security is on their way,' Zippy announced, a cell phone clamped to her ear.

  'There is something I need to say,' Alice persisted. 'It just can't wait.' Brandon looked officious and annoyed, shaking his head briskly and making horrified tutting noises.

  'Oh, be quiet, you silly poof,' Alice retorted.

  'You can't say that!' gasped the man called Israel.

  'I can and I just did. Now listen . . .'

  'Security is on the way up right now,' said Zippy, peering curiously at Alice.

  'Conrad, I apologise for screwing up the audition and causing you embarrassment.'

  'You're right, darling, she's lost it,' Celestia said quietly.

  'Darling?' Alice exclaimed, looking at Conrad. 'When did this happen?'

  'None of your business,' Conrad said.

  'I see.' She looked at Celestia for a moment. The actress's eyes flashed proprietorially. 'Now where was I? Yes, saying sorry. But if I could just bring a couple of points to your attention.' She cleared her throat, aware she had very little time. 'Ladies and gentlemen, you may be interested to know a little about your director's recent history.' Alice took a deep breath. 'Citrus Days of the Marzipan Pig was an original Conrad Beest production funded entirely by myself and my parents. I personally used my wages from a talking horse film to contribute financially. My father is a retired train-driver, just so you understand his financial status. He also has a passion for bee-keeping, orchids and exotic fish. That's by the by.' She took a large deep breath.

  'Ken Evans, my dad, has recently been diagnosed with prostate cancer and needs a serious operation with a top surgeon, so, understandably, he needs his ten thousand dollars back, for treatment and accommodation and what have you.' She turned to look at Conrad. 'After you walked out on the Marzipan Pig to pursue your career in Europe, I vacated our house, had to forfeit the lease, and went to work in the West Wollongong Tasty-Time Cake Shop. For eleven months. That's a lot of cream buns and vanilla slices. For your interest, I had to move in with my parents so that I could repay them ten of the twenty thousand dollars that we jointly owe. The cake shop and some pineapple chunks courtesy of Bunny Gange made it possible.'

  'Bunny what now?' interrupted Zippy, mystified, her earrings jingling.

  'Pineapple chunks?' piped the man called Kevin.

  'A TVC. Of the lowest order I might add,' said Alice lightly. 'Believe me, I was scoffed at in the aisles of the Bi-Lo supermarket often enough. I'm sure my old drama school buddies thought it was pathetic I'd sunk so low, after the highs of Cornucopia.'

  'When is that scheduled for release?' asked Bitsy.

  'Of course, if I'd accepted the lead role in Starmap 3000, things would have been a lot easier financially. But to honour my commitment to you and to the Marzipan Pig, Conrad, I let that job go.'

  'Starmap 3000 ? Really? Alice, wh
at a bummer. That's going to be huge,' Zippy interjected. Alice ploughed on.

  'So, while you've been out working, wooing the hottest Australian actress since Nicole Kidman,' she said, looking over at Celestia, who appeared to be combing her hair with her fingers, 'and apparently buying a whole heap of designer clothes, I've been sleeping in a fold-out bed in Wollongong, selling sausage rolls, and more recently, warding off a couple of bellicose cats in an apartment near the Miracle Mile. All in a crazy attempt to raise the rest of the money that we owe my parents.'

  'Are you taping this?' a male voice called from the back of the room.

  Two security guards arrived and quickly identified Alice as the source of the trouble. They wore fawn uniforms and wide brown belts with radios attached. One of them was very tall with buck teeth and the other squat and bald with jutting pectoral muscles. They silently escorted her to the door.

  'I'm almost done here,' Alice politely addressed the uniformed men. 'Conrad, it's simple. You owe my father that money. And I am personally going to see to it that you pay him back,' said Alice firmly. She broke free from the security guards and lunged at Conrad with a piece of paper. He flinched momentarily as if it were a gun.

  'Here are his bank details. I'm begging you to do the right thing.' The security guards closed in on her more roughly. 'I'm sure ten thousand is nothing to you, but it would mean a great deal to my mum and dad.'

  'I told you Alice, I don't owe you anything,' Conrad laughed incredulously, letting the piece of paper fall to the floor. 'And clearly you need help.' His face was impassive and his eyes were as flat as glass. 'Let's put this behind us and move on, shall we?' he addressed the others. 'With any luck, she'll go and take her Prozac,' he muttered under his breath.