Loyal Subjects

by Eva Charles

  “I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but I liked her from the first time we met. She was wearing a wedding ring, so I left it alone. But no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Then she showed up with her kid at Meadows Shore, and I found out her husband was dead… And I’ve been acting stupid ever since. I don’t know. There’s something about her that calls to me, even when I wish it didn’t.”

  There were no snarky comments from Cole.

  “I know none of this makes any sense, but you could say something, unless you’re too busy calling the guys in the white coats to take me away.”

  “The lure of the Siren,” he said quietly.

  “That would be just my luck.”

  “Sounds like love.”

  “Fuck you.”

  “I’m serious. Maybe it’s not put-a-ring-on-her-finger love, but something damn close. I heard everything you just said. It’s scary and confusing as hell, I know. Be careful. When you’re new to these…feelings, you don’t know where the landmines are buried. And trust me, they are everywhere. Places you wouldn’t think to look. I detonated more than a few when I first started hanging out with Alexa. It was brutal.”

  “You survived.”

  “Only because I never stepped in something I couldn’t fix. But if she hadn’t taken me back after I behaved like an idiot, I don’t know how I’d have survived.”

  “You would’ve just gone through life as a miserable sonofabitch. Not much different than how you are now.”

  Cole laughed. “I’d tell you not to jump in until you have a sense of the tide, but it sounds like it’s too late. I guess if anyone was going to fall for a woman with a kid, it would be you.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “Someone to watch cartoons with on Saturday morning.”

  I laughed. “Saturday morning cartoons went the way of PlayStation 2, old man. Damn shame.”

  “Really?”

  “You need to get out of the hospital more. Hey, do they really stick a swab in…you know.” I didn’t want to say it. It sounded too gruesome for words.

  “Afraid so. A long one. But I’ll tell her to be gentle, since it sounds like you’ve been punished enough.”

  “Her?”

  “Yep. You need to feel a little more humiliation, so you don’t ever do something this stupid again.”

  “I knew I could count on you.”

  The next morning, after having my genitals attacked by a woman brandishing a cotton swab large enough to clean King Kong’s ears, I texted Emily. Again.

  Mark: I know you don’t want to talk. Just tell me you’re ok

  Mark: I’m sorry for getting carried away. And for not protecting you

  Mark: Any chance you might be pregnant?

  Emmie: I’m an adult.

  Emmie: I should have protected myself.

  Emmie: And my child

  Emmie: This isn’t about you.

  Emmie: I’m not pregnant.

  The texts came rapid-fire—boom, boom, boom—and I didn’t have a chance to respond in between.

  Mark: If you’re wrong about being pregnant, you can count on me

  Mark: I’ve never been more serious

  Emmie: I’m on the pill

  Mark: Really?

  Emmie: Really

  Mark: I don’t suppose you’d care to elaborate

  After an hour passed without a response, I assumed the answer to that was a big fat NO.

  Mark: About breakfast tomorrow. What time?

  Emmie: Breakfast?

  Mark: I promised Teddy I’d take him for pancakes

  Mark: And coffee milk. Part of the muscle-building regimen

  Emmie: Not happening

  Mark: WHAT?

  Emmie: Shouty capitals isn’t going to make it happen. Neither are threats.

  Mark: I PROMISED him

  Emmie: He’ll get over it

  Mark: I won’t

  Emmie: Grow a pair

  Mark: I’ll give you 2 choices

  Mark: 1) I pick up Teddy, and you, if you want to come, at a time of your choosing

  Mark: We have a nice stack of chocolate chip pancakes and wash it down with a big glass of coffee milk.

  Mark: I drop him home. OR

  Mark: 2) I bring over a grill, all the makings for pancakes, coffee syrup, and a cow

  Mark: And set up shop in your front yard

  Mark: Teddy might even like that better

  Emmie: You wouldn’t

  Mark: Do I hear a dare, Sunshine?

  After about twenty minutes, my phone buzzed.

  Emmie: We’ll meet you at Joelle’s Diner at 9:00AM

  Mark: That wasn’t one of the choices, but I’ll let it slide

  Mark: This time

  18

  Emmie

  Teddy was up at the crack of dawn, he was so excited to see Mark. I really didn’t want to do breakfast. The quicker I ripped off the Band-Aid, the better for Teddy. And for me. But I couldn’t rule out the possibility the man would show up with a grill and a cow, and set it up on my front lawn. He’d probably invite the neighbors and make it a big party.

  “Mom! You’re driving like a little old lady. We’re late.”

  “That’s not a very nice thing to say.”

  “Grammy says it when people take too long.”

  “I don’t care who says it. Teddy Landon does not.”

  “Are we almost there?”

  “Three minutes.”

  When we arrived at the diner, neither Mark nor his Jeep were anywhere in sight. I’d kill him if he disappointed Teddy now. Although, in the long run, it might be easier. While I weighed the options, Mark strolled in.

  “Mark! Mark!” Teddy flew over to him.

  Traitor.

  I was behaving like an obnoxious, moody teenager, but I was out of sorts, and couldn’t help it.

  Mark had done nothing, absolutely nothing, wrong. Unless walking around in public, looking like every woman’s wet dream, was a felony. That’s all. I was weak when it came to him. I made bad decisions—again, not his fault. But clearly I inherited my mother’s genes, and couldn’t be trusted to keep my libido in check. And now that I’d experienced what was at the end of that happy trail—how good it felt—maybe better than anything I’d ever experienced… Do not go there, Emmie.

  I needed to keep him away from my child…and away from me. It wasn’t that difficult. Out of sight, out of mind. If you were a diabetic, you didn’t bring brownies and cookies into the house to tempt you; if you were an alcoholic, you didn’t bring booze home; and if you were a…a…a…if you had those genes, you didn’t bring Mark Harrington into the house, because no one was resisting him. Not even Mother Teresa would be immune to his sexy charm, easy laugh, and rippling abs.

  “Sorry I’m late. Had to make sure Heidi was available, in case you didn’t show up.”

  “Heidi?”

  “The milkmaid. You didn’t think I was milking the cow myself, did you?”

  I bit the inside of my cheek to stop the laugh, but he knew. “Heidi was a goatherder. No cows.”

  “Cows. Goats. I’m sure she knows her way around any udder. Shall we?” He gestured for me to go in front of him.

  “I’ll let you two enjoy a guys’ breakfast. I brought some work. I’ll sit in the back and have coffee.”

  Mark nodded. He didn’t seem put-off by the arrangement I proposed, and Teddy looked thrilled.

  “Okay, buddy, let’s go eat some pancakes.”

  After about fifteen minutes of rereading the same simple paragraph over and over, the waitress came over and placed a stack of banana pancakes with caramel maple syrup on the table in front of me.

  “I didn’t order pancakes. Just coffee.”

  “The man over there,” she jerked her head in Mark’s direction, “with the cute little boy, sent them over. He told me to tell you unexpected treats are good for the soul.”

  Of course he did.

  I could see that Teddy was i
n on the little charade. He kept turning around to peek, and then they’d break into a fit of laughter. He must have told Mark how much I loved banana pancakes.

  “Please tell them I said thank you.”

  When she walked away, I picked up my fork and took a bite. One bite wouldn’t hurt. Oh, and there were thin rounds of caramelized bananas, and whipped cream rosettes. Maybe a few bites.

  Mark and Teddy were eating their pancakes, periodically high-fiving, and laughing. I wanted to be over there, too. It was lonely here, by myself. Even mouth-watering pancakes weren’t very good company.

  After another half-hour passed, Mark paid the check, and slid out of the booth. I left a tip, and went to meet them.

  “How were your pancakes, Mom?”

  “So good! I wonder how the waitress knew I love banana pancakes?”

  Teddy shrugged, but his little face lit up. “We’re going to come back, Mom. Soon.” He exchanged a sneaky little look with Mark.

  I glared at Mark. “Why don’t you use the bathroom before we go, sweetheart. I’ll wait right outside the door. Make sure you wash your hands and try not to touch anything. Especially the urinal. And don’t lock the door. I’ll stand guard, right here.”

  “Okay.”

  “That’s a lot of things to remember just to pee,” Mark said, after Teddy shut the door.

  “I hope you didn’t promise you’d bring him back. Because that would be a promise you can’t keep. We’re not coming next time even if you bring a whole herd of cows, Heidi, her grandfather, and her friend Swiss Miss.”

  “Peter. Heidi’s friend is Peter.” He smirked. “I didn’t make any promises. I wouldn’t use him to see you. I’m not that desperate. Not yet,” he added under his breath.

  His eyes bore into me, as if he were trying to discover what was in my heart.

  “Mark, it can’t work out between us. I lug around too much baggage. And you want too much.”

  “I want everything, Emmie. All of it. But in return, I’m willing to give it all, too.”

  “I can’t, Mark. I can’t give you all of it. I’ve never given that to anyone.”

  “Can’t or won’t?”

  “Can’t. Not even to Tim. He didn’t need it. He met me on my own terms. Accepted me for who I was.”

  “I’m not like that. I need it. All of it. And I don’t believe you can’t give it. You’ve just been too afraid to try.” A woman came out of the bathroom, and within a few seconds, Teddy popped out too.

  “What do you say to Mark?”

  “Thank you!”

  Mark ruffled Teddy’s hair and my son looked up at him as if he hung the moon.

  “We should go.”

  “Can you come over?” Teddy asked, hopefully.

  Mark didn’t even bother to look at me, and thankfully he didn’t tell Teddy it was up to me. I appreciated the small kindness.

  “Nah, buddy. Wish I could, but I need to fly out this afternoon. I have a client in Arizona I need to meet with first thing in the morning.” Teddy’s face fell. “I’ll be back later in the week. We’ll do it another time,” Mark assured him.

  My son mentioned Mark at least two dozen times that day, and several times the following morning before I left for work.

  Not only had I let him seduce me, but I’d let him seduce my child.

  19

  Mark

  I knocked on Emmie’s open office door. “Have a minute?”

  “I’m kind of busy right now.”

  “You don’t look that busy.”

  She rolled her eyes. It was something. Even annoyance was an emotion.

  “I can’t chat right now.”

  “Fine. I’ll just stand out here and say my piece. You won’t have to talk—you can just listen. I’m sure everyone in the hallway will enjoy what I have to say, too.”

  She ignored me and kept her head down, pretending to read from the laptop in front of her.

  “The other night…”

  “Stop! Wait!” She raced around the desk, pulled me in by the arm, and shut the door. “This is where I work. What is your problem?”

  “My problem? You use me for sex, and then toss me out like a used tissue, no cuddle, before I even cleaned off the jizz, and I have a problem?”

  She propped her elbows on the desk, covered her face, and groaned. “Stop being ridiculous. Just stop.”

  “If I had kicked a woman out ten seconds after I got off, it would be like the damn earth was imploding. She’d take out a Facebook ad with my picture, telling everyone my cock is the size of a baby carrot, that I’m quick on the trigger, and slow on the rebound, and that I gave her an STD. Can’t you see it: ‘If you see this guy, stay away. Far, far away.’ With a big bull’s-eye, or one of those universal stop signs over my face.”

  She was trying really hard not to laugh. “What do you want, Mark?”

  I grabbed a chair and dragged it around the side of the desk where she was sitting.

  “Most people respect the desk as a boundary.”

  “Most people haven’t…bought you pancakes.”

  “You need to go.”

  “You need to be tied to the bed with my face between your legs.”

  Her eyes widened. Okay, I probably shouldn’t have said it.

  “I can’t believe you just said that.”

  “I can’t believe I said it so politely.”

  “Get out.”

  “No, Emmie. This is what you always do. You’re pushing me away because I’m getting too close. If you walk away before I do, you won’t get hurt.”

  “Did you learn that little nugget in Psych 101?”

  “Maybe. It might be basic, but there’s a reason they teach it.”

  She picked up a pen and started scribbling on a yellow pad. I’m sure it was complete nonsense.

  “I’m not going anywhere, Sunshine. At least not until you hear me out.”

  She still wasn’t looking at me, but I grew up around a bunch of women. I knew all about being iced out. It didn’t stop me.

  “I spent a lot of nights thinking about how it would be with you. Spent a fair amount of waking hours thinking about it, too. You were my favorite fantasy. Still are.” I tucked some hair behind her ear so I could see her face better.

  “But never once did I imagine the first time would be in a kitchen chair. Second or third time, maybe, but not the first.” Her shoulders were still tight, but her face was thawing. She was going to make me work for it. I didn’t mind. I’d never been afraid of hard work, whether or not it came with a reward.

  “We never talked about it, but I always assumed there was only Tim. I wanted it be good for you. Not rushed. I didn’t want it to feel like it was all about sex. But the way it ended up… You deserved better. And I’m sorry.”

  “You don’t need to apologize—the sex was fine.”

  I groaned, a long, exaggerated groan. “If the sex was just fine, then you bet your sweet cheeks I need to apologize.” I pressed my foot against hers, until she looked at me.

  “It wasn’t the kitchen chair or… What kind of mother has sex in her kitchen while her son is sleeping a few feet away? What if he had woken up?”

  “What if he had? Plenty of kids have walked in on their parents having sex. The world still spins on its axis. And he was a lot more than a few feet away.”

  “You’re not…we’re not his parents.”

  “Would it really matter? If he walked in on you and Tim, that would somehow be better than him walking in on us?”

  “Please leave me alone,” she whispered.

  “You sound like Ruth.”

  “I sound like me. Don’t you see? That’s exactly the kind of thing my mother would have done. Exactly the kind of thing.”

  “Your mother left her kids at a bus station to run off with a man she barely knew. You wouldn’t leave a stray cat behind. You are not your mother.” I reached for hand, and she let me. “It’s not all or nothing, Emmie. I’ve told you before.”

  “Mark, w
hat I do might not be good, but I’m doing the best I can. Every day, I wake up and try to be the best mother I can to Teddy. I try not to let my anxiety spoil his childhood. I try to give him wings and a safe place to land. But it doesn’t come naturally for me. I’m always on shaky ground. I’m not like you. I don’t have the underpinnings from growing up in a loving family. For most of my life, I didn’t even have a family.”

  My gut ached for her, but I wasn’t surrendering to the feeling. I might never be able to have this conversation with her again. “I don’t know much about raising kids. I’ve told you that before. But I do know you don’t have to give up your life to raise a child. Except in the most egregious circumstances, you don’t have to trade your life for theirs.”

  I dragged her chair closer, until she was nestled between my thighs. “If you do that, he’ll grow up and go on to have his own life, and you’ll be alone, bitter, and resentful. Like Ruth. It’s not a choice between being your mother and Ruth.”

  “You mean I could be like your mom, the perfect mother.”

  “I don’t think my mom would have considered herself perfect. And she wasn’t. She was awesome, but not perfect.”

  “She had your dad. I’m alone. There’s no one who can take up the slack when I don’t want to be on. When I’m tired or cranky, I suck it up. Except for Ruth, I’m alone. I don’t have the time or energy for the kind of relationship you want.”

  “You’ve chosen to be alone. There’s something safe and familiar about it. But you’ve chosen it.” I slid my fingers over her hair. “Emmie…”

  “Do you know how I got that name?”

  I shook my head. “You never told me.”

  “Evan couldn’t say Emily. It would always come out as Emmie. Then David started calling me that too… Before she left us for good, she left us home a lot, especially after the twins came. My father, I think it was my father, left when she was pregnant. She cried all the time. After the babies were born, she started going out. At first, she’d leave food, and diapers, and bottles for the babies. But after about a year, she started staying away longer. For days at a time. Sometimes we’d run out of food, and the twins would cry because their bellies hurt. I hunted through garbage to feed them. I even stole food from the corner store. It made me so sad when they cried.”