Loyal Subjects

by Eva Charles

  28

  Emmie

  Teddy mentioned Mark eighty-nine times the following week. I kept count. I let him call Mark, because I didn’t know how to put an end to their relationship without crushing my son. I found the strength to end the relationship between me and Mark, but I couldn’t find the strength to end the one between Teddy and Mark. He’d been a huge part of our lives for almost a year. A year in a seven-year-old’s life is a long time.

  Even worse, in a few weeks, it would be Teddy’s birthday, and he’d expect Mark to be there. The whole thing was a colossal mess, and I’d created it.

  It might be better to cut all ties, but I wasn’t sure who it would be better for—me or Teddy. I couldn’t tell whether I was being weak and selfish, and I didn’t feel as though I could burden Alexa with helping me sort it through. That’s the problem, when your best friend is your boyfriend’s sister-in-law. When you break up, all your people are gone in one fell swoop.

  I had survived before Alexa, before any of them. I just needed a little more time to think about it.

  Teddy’s birthday was less than a week away, and I still hadn’t told him my relationship with Mark was over. I’m not really sure what Mark said to him. I eavesdropped while they talked, until my heart hurt too much, then I’d hide in my bedroom until they were finished. Lately, I’d been making excuses so they were talking less on the phone.

  I walked around with a heavy heart, all day, every day. Some days, I didn’t even bother to paint on the fake smile. It’ll just take time, I told myself. You’re a survivor. But I didn’t want to be a survivor anymore. I wasn’t sure I knew how. I had forgotten what it was like to be alone. How to claw my way through the pain.

  The last year with Mark had made me soft and less resilient. He cocooned me in a place that was always safe and loving. Showered me with tenderness and kindness. Stood by my side, always. It had stripped my defenses, and lulled me into believing I didn’t need to fight alone.

  The doorbell rang, and Teddy rushed to see who was at the door. “Maybe it’s Mark surprising us.”

  My heart leaped at the thought. But it wasn’t Mark. It was Ella Clayton on the stoop of my little house, looking as though she’d just completed a photo shoot. It’s how she always looked.

  “Surprise!” She held her arms out wide when I opened the door. “Sorry to just pop in, but I was in the neighborhood, and I had this big cookie in my front seat, and I needed someone to share it with, because if I ate the whole thing, and it was so tempting, it would give me a bellyache. And then I remembered you lived nearby. Will you help me eat it?” she asked Teddy. “Please.”

  “Yes!” He beamed, and she kissed him on the top of the head.

  “You’re such a good boy. I knew you’d help me.”

  I hadn’t gotten a word in yet, and Ruth’s jaw was on the floor. Ella had that effect on people.

  “I need a sharp knife, and a cutting board,” she announced to no one in particular as she sashayed into the house.

  “Oh, hello,” she said to Ruth. “I’m Ella Clayton, a friend of Teddy’s.” When Ruth didn’t answer, Ella did what Ella does. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I was at a concert this afternoon, and my ears are still ringing. I didn’t get your name.”

  “Ruth. Ruth Landon. Teddy’s grandmother.”

  “Teddy’s grandmother! I hope you like snickerdoodles, Ruth.” She turned to Teddy. “Where’s the kitchen, Teddy? Lead the way.”

  I still hadn’t said a word.

  “That cookie is the size of a manhole. Who’s going to eat all that?” Ruth groused, handing Ella a knife and a cutting board.

  “We are, of course.” Ella lifted the cookie to the light. “But I’m afraid if you want a man, Ruth, you’re going to have to find one another way, because no one’s crawling out of this cookie. Too dense.”

  Ruth looked at Teddy and they both burst out laughing.

  Ella winked at me. “Emmie, what do you have to say for yourself?”

  “It’s nice to see you. Thank you for bringing the cookie. Would anyone like some coffee?” I sounded like a robot, but this scene was all a bit surreal.

  Ella smiled. “Do you have tea?”

  “I’m not sure. I’ll look.”

  “I have tea,” Ruth chimed in. “I’ll go upstairs and get it.”

  I set Teddy up at the coffee table with his cookie. Because if there ever was a time to relax the rules, this was it.

  “Go ahead. Ask me how Mark’s doing before your motherin-law gets back,” Ella prodded.

  I didn’t say anything.

  “He’s a mess. A huge mess. Bigger than his normal mess. And he should be. He lost a lot. The men in my family don’t handle break-ups well. But don’t worry, he’ll be okay. Eventually.”

  “Ella…” I stopped when I heard Ruth on the stairs.

  “I brought some loose tea and a pot,” Ruth said.

  “Let me see that teapot,” Ella cried.

  Ella explained she was an art historian, and she and Ruth gabbed over the antique teapot for a full ten minutes.

  “Are you sure you want to use it?” Ella asked.

  “What’s the point in just admiring it?”

  Ruth—was this Ruth?

  We sat down at the table, and when Ella started talking, I almost choked on a bite of cookie.

  “Now for the real reason I’m here.”

  Oh God.

  She pulled out the shoes she and Cassie had sent me. When Mark and I didn’t go to the party, I returned the dress and sent the shoes back to Ella with a note. It didn’t seem right to keep them.

  “I got these shoes in the mail. Perfectly nice shoes that could take you anywhere. Well, I might not wear them to the grocery store or to the beach, but mostly anywhere. Do you like these shoes, Ruth?”

  “They’re lovely.”

  “Lovely. That’s what I think, too. Then why would Emmie send them back? They were a gift from Cassie and me. It’s insulting to return a gift, don’t you think, Ruth?”

  “It can be.”

  “Yes, it can be. And it was. Now, you don’t know Cassie, Ruth. But she doesn’t get all judgmental over this sort of thing, because she’s well-mannered and sweet, but I was fit to be tied. Explain yourself, Miss Emmie.” She deposited the shoes inches from me.

  “We didn’t go to the party. And I returned the dress.”

  “You returned the dress! Mother of Jesus! That dress was stunning on you. Everyone needs a dress that looks stunning on them. Something you can pull out of the closet and throw on at a minute’s notice.”

  “It was an evening gown.”

  “And your point is?”

  Oh my God. She was just like Mark. I never made the connection before.

  “Now take these shoes back, or I’m going to have a litter of kittens delivered to your house.”

  Just like Mark. “Kittens?”

  “Yes, and maybe a half-dozen puppies, too. Teddy will love them and you won’t be able to give them away.”

  “Okay. No kittens and puppies. I’ll keep the shoes. Thank you. And please thank Cassie for me.”

  “I will,” she said with a huge smile on her face.

  Ella made small talk, and engaged Ruth more than any human being had ever done. I suspected Ella could engage a rock without much effort.

  “Before I go, there is one last thing I need to say. I wasn’t planning on saying it in front of you, Ruth, but you’re family, so you might as well hear it, too.”

  Oh God.

  “No one is harder on Mark than me. We’re not far apart in age, and we were always in school together. He chased away every boy who showed interest in me, so now I repay him at every opportunity. But despite all the grief I give him, he is a great guy. Exactly the kind of man you want Teddy to be. His heart fills his entire chest. He will love that little boy forever, if you let him. And he’ll love you forever, if you give him the chance.”

  “Ella…”

  “Let me finish.” She held up h
er perfectly manicured hand. “I don’t think you’re done with him. You’re dragging yourself around, and those dark circles look like you haven’t slept in…almost three weeks. The only sign of life I’ve seen in your eyes for the last forty-five minutes is when I mention Mark’s name. And Jake said you’ve been a zombie at work. Those guys can’t keep their mouths shut, you do know that?”

  I opened my mouth, but the words didn’t come out.

  “When I’m out Christmas shopping, I never put the perfect pair of sandals back on the rack because it’s the wrong time of year to buy sandals. I might never find them again. No, I grab those babies, and I rock them at every opportunity, even if it’s just around the house. It’s not a perfect analogy, but you get the point. The good ones don’t show up every day.”

  Ruth was sitting stiff, but silent. I think she was a little afraid of Ella.

  “Ruth and I will get Teddy to bed, and then we’ll make another pot of tea. Go buy the shoes, Emmie, before someone else does. If you really hate them, they can be returned. Just don’t be too hard on them, or no one else will want them.”

  I loved Mark and my life wouldn’t be complete without him. I knew it. And I’d known it all along. Would I survive without him? Yes. Above all else, I was a survivor and even if I wasn’t sure how to do it right now, I’d figure it out.

  But there was so much more to life than mere survival. He’d shown me that.

  I’d been miserable since he left. Since I’d asked him to leave. A self-imposed misery. But the answer was simple. I didn’t…I refused to see it. The reasons were complicated, and they made no rational sense. They were driven by the irrational fears of a child.

  I wanted the shoes. They were my shoes. Perfect fit, in a style I adored. And it didn’t matter if the season was wrong. There was no way I was leaving them on the shelf for someone else to love.

  I looked at Ruth. She was examining her hands. “Ruth, you’ll stay with Teddy?”

  “I guess so. As long as you’re back by the eleven o’clock news.”

  Ella looked under the table. “You’re not wearing your glass slippers, Ruth. I think you’ll be okay. We can watch the eleven o’clock news down here.”

  I kissed Teddy good-night. “Grammy and Ella are going to stay with you. Be a good boy for them. And this is the last show for tonight.”

  He nodded. “Where you going?”

  “I’m going to get my shoes.”

  “Okay,” he answered, as though it were the most normal thing in the world.

  Mark

  I was just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rang. My brothers and the girls had been coming by since Emmie and I broke up, bringing food, booze, and anything else they thought might distract me. It was as if someone had installed a revolving door in my apartment.

  As much as I loved them, they were driving me nuts. I felt like dropping the towel, and answering the door bare-ass. Then maybe they’d think twice about stopping by unannounced every day. But I didn’t know whose turn it was to check on me, and I couldn’t do that to Alexa. The baby was late, and with my luck, she’d go into labor, and expect me to deliver the kid in the hall. I could happily live through ten lifetimes without that special experience. Besides, Cole would murder me.

  I buzzed the do-gooder-of-the-day in, without bothering to check who it was, threw on a pair of gym shorts, and walked toward the kitchen. The elevator chimed behind me, and the doors opened.

  “Brisket, beer, or blondes—whatdya bring tonight?”

  “I don’t really care for stringy beef or beer, and I’m all about the brunettes.”

  Sometimes when you drink too much, your brain misfires. Double vision, garbled thoughts, mirages. But I was sober. Stone-cold sober. I turned around slowly. And standing in my foyer… “Emmie. What are you doing here?”

  “I came to say hello. I hope it’s okay.”

  “Jake isn’t giving you a bunch of crap about how worried they are about me, I hope.”

  She shook her head. “I miss you. Miss you so much it hurts. I smile every day and pretend everything’s going to be okay. But it doesn’t work anymore.”

  My head spun.

  “I want you to love my child so much you’d fight me for custody. I want you to decide if he can have his ice cream in a cone with sprinkles, and help me decide if braces are really necessary. I love you, Mark. Love you in the special way mommies love daddies. I have for a long time. And I’m prepared to give you everything.”

  She was shaking, but my feet were cemented to the floor. I couldn’t move, or maybe I was afraid to.

  “I understand if it’s too late. If I spoiled everything.”

  “No.” Somehow, I unstuck my feet. “It’s not too late. I’ve been licking my wounds for weeks, but this morning I started plotting how I was going to get you back. Both of you. There was no way I was letting you walk away. I’m in too deep, Sunshine.”

  We ended up naked in the kitchen, again. This time she was the one who grabbed the chair.

  “Is Ruth with Teddy?” I asked when I stopped gasping for air.

  “Mmhm. And Ella.”

  “Ella. My cousin Ella is babysitting?”

  She nodded into my chest.

  “I hope Teddy doesn’t need to eat. She is the absolute worst cook. Did you say Ella and Ruth?”

  “Ella is like the Pied Piper. She even charmed Ruth into using her antique teapot. It was a little scary.”

  I laughed. “Bet Ruth didn’t know what hit her when Ella blew in.”

  “Her jaw was literally on the floor for the first five minutes. Maybe longer.”

  I threw my head back and laughed. “I would have paid good money to see that. What do you think they’re talking about?”

  “I don’t know. Teapots, glass slippers, manhole covers. This is our time, yours and mine. I don’t want to share it with anyone else.”

  29

  Mark

  I walked up the stairs and knocked on the door. “Hi, Ruth,” I said when she answered.

  “Emily’s at work, and Teddy’s at school.”

  “I came to see you.”

  “What about?”

  “The Department of Children and Families.” She paled, and I knew. A small part of me wanted to be wrong, for Emmie’s sake. But in my gut, I always knew it was her.

  “What about them? They’re not after Emmie again, are they?”

  “Not unless you called them, again.”

  “How did you know?” She made this way too easy.

  “It had to be you. There was only one other possibility, and I just heard this morning that it didn’t pan out. Everybody else knows she’s a great mother.”

  “Does Emmie know?”

  “Nope. But you’re going to tell her.” I squeezed past Ruth, into the hall, and took a seat in the living room. I’d never been up here. It was immaculate, not a cushion out of place. But it was eerie.

  The entire room, but for the area with a couple of chairs and a television, was a shrine to her son, filled with photographs, trophies, medals, scrapbooks, and framed artwork that looked as though it had been made by a preschooler. I mean filled, every inch of space paying homage to Tim. It was sobering, and more than a little creepy. I wondered how it made Emmie and Teddy feel when they were up here.

  A part of me felt bad for her. The part that didn’t want to wring her neck for calling DCF. I had never lost a child, but I knew what it was like to lose my parents, and my aunt and uncle. I knew how it felt the three weeks Emmie and Teddy were gone from my life.

  “She’ll take Teddy away from me. I’ll never see him again.”

  “That’s exactly how Emmie felt when she heard Teddy had been taken to the DCF office. She fell apart because she didn’t think she’d ever see him again.”

  “You tell her.”

  “It always works out better if after you pull a bone-head move, you fess up yourself. Trust me, I’m an expert on this… But if you don’t tell her by the end of the week, I will. And
that probably won’t go as well for you.”

  She rocked back and forth, staring straight ahead. For a few minutes, the creak of the rocker on the wooden floor was the only sound in the room.

  “Why did you do it? You don’t believe Emmie’s negligent, do you? That she’d ever abandon Teddy. You don’t believe we’d—I’d do anything to compromise Teddy or hurt him, in any way. You don’t believe any of it, do you?”

  She kept rocking. When I was about ready to stand up and walk out, she whispered, “No… You don’t understand.”

  “I understand more than you think. Try me.”

  “They’re all I have in life. No reason to be on this earth if they’re gone. I never meant… I thought they would take Teddy from your brother’s house and bring him to me. But they didn’t. I got scared they were going to put him somewhere, so I called back and told them it was all a lie. The woman said I could go to jail. But I didn’t care. I didn’t want Teddy with strangers. He would be so frightened.”

  She started to sob, and I began to feel even worse. I couldn’t stand to see anyone cry, especially an old woman. Even if she had done a reprehensible thing. I went in search of tissues. When I couldn’t find them, I grabbed a wad of toilet paper, and pressed it into her hand.

  “They’re not going anywhere, Ruth.”

  “They’re going with you.”

  “Emmie and Teddy love you. You’re the only real family she’s ever had.”

  “She’ll hate me now.”

  “She’ll be angry and disappointed, and rightfully so. But she won’t hate you. She’s not a hater. And you’re too important to her. That’s what makes this whole thing so infuriating.”

  Ruth was crying again. This time softer, but no less painful.

  “Do you want some water?”

  She shook her head.

  “I’m planning on asking Emmie to marry me—don’t spoil the surprise. And we’ll buy a house, with a big yard, and a carriage house out back. I expect you’ll live in that carriage house.”

  “Why would you do this? What do you want from me? I don’t have anything you could possibly want.”

  “When I walked in, I wasn’t sure I was going to do it. If you had questioned Emmie’s parenting, or said you were afraid I’d hurt Teddy… I wouldn’t want you near my family.”