Loyal Subjects
Page 23
“Do you want to sit?” Mark asked.
I nodded, and he pulled up two chairs a safe distance from the bed. He held my hand for what seemed like hours.
The hospice nurses and the chaplain, came and went, encouraging me to talk to her. To tell her about my life, and to say good-bye. They explained that my mother was probably still aware of her surroundings, and could most likely still hear. “It’s not the end, but very soon. She waited for you,” one nurse said. It was almost comical. “Her son was here earlier,” another nurse told us.
My heart stopped. “Her son? Just one?” I asked.
“Yes.”
Maybe it was a different son. Maybe she had more children after she left us. I was trembling, and so grateful Mark was with me.
As I sat, the memories flooded me, and I choked back tears. I realized that no matter how old you are, no matter what your life has been, or is, there is a need, a primal need to be mothered that lives inside all of us. But death is the final reckoning. Where some mourn the end of a mother-child relationship, others mourn for the relationship they never had, and will never have. That was me.
Foolish as it was, somewhere deep inside, away from where common sense and self-preservation reside, hope had always flickered. A perpetual light that no amount of neglect extinguished. The fantasy that my mother would one day come back into my life, as the loving and nurturing mother we all so craved. But death ends the fantasy. It crushes the hope, extinguishing the flame with the final breath.
“You okay to stay here for a few minutes?” Mark asked. “I’m going to grab us some coffee, and use the bathroom.”
“Would you call, and make sure the kids are okay?”
“You bet.”
Mark came back about twenty minutes later. “There’s someone outside who wants to talk to you.”
“The night nurse was just in.”
“Evan.”
I probably wouldn’t have made it to the family room, without Mark’s help. And even with that, I barely remember getting from my mother’s room to there.
“Hi, I’m Evan,” the tall, good-looking young man said. “I was on my way back to New Haven, and I stopped back by to see if you came.”
I nodded. But didn’t say anything because the words wouldn’t come.
“My brother, David, didn’t want to come. He’s stubborn and pigheaded. An engineer—everything’s black and white with him.”
I smiled, a small bittersweet smile, remembering the little boys I had loved and cared for. David had always been stubborn.
“He doesn’t feel like she has anything to do with his life. But I was…curious. When I got here, one of the nurses said something about a sister. We’ve always known there had been three of us.”
Mark, my wonderful, can talk to anyone, anywhere, about anything, husband, bridged the awkward silences. “So, David’s an engineer. How about you? What kind of work do you do?”
“I’m finishing medical school, and beginning a surgical residency in July.”
“Where?” Mark asked.
“Boston.”
“We live right outside the city,” Mark told him. “Which hospital?”
“Boston General.”
“No kidding. My brother, Cole, is the chief of trauma surgery there.”
“Cole Harrington? Really?”
Mark nodded.
“He was the reason I decided to go.”
“Just remember, he’s more bark than bite. I’ll tell him to look for you.”
Evan turned to me. “I know this isn’t the time. But I’m sure you remember more than we do about the early years. We don’t have any memory of that time.”
My heart hurt and was happy all at the same time. No, they didn’t remember me, as I secretly hoped all those years. But they also didn’t remember being hungry or the squalor and chaos. Evan was a doctor, and David an engineer. They hadn’t been irreparably scarred by trauma.
Mark handed him a business card. “You can reach us any time. I put Emmie’s cell phone number on the back. I hope you’ll come and visit often while you’re in Boston, and if there’s anything you need, you call us. I mean it.”
We said a stilted good-bye. “I have twins,” I blurted. “Like you and David. They’re girls. I’d like you to meet them. And I have a son. Ted. He’s named after his father, my first husband, Tim, and you and David. I took the first letter from each of your names. I’m sorry,” I said. “This is just so much to take in. I’m normally not this awkward.”
“I’d like to meet your children.”
I smiled and nodded. “Please say hello to David.”
After Evan left, Mark and I went back to my mother’s room. Her breathing was labored, and there were several times when she stopped breathing completely, before starting again. The mottling on her skin signaled death was close.
I thought about how she didn’t contact any of us, even when she knew exactly where we were. She didn’t come to us looking for a handout or a place to crash, like many addicts would have done.
“Do you mind giving me a few minutes to say good-bye?” I asked Mark.
“I’ll be down the hall, if you need me.”
I stared at her hand, with the yellowed brittle nails, for long minutes, before inching my fingertips toward it. Eventually I let my fingers graze hers, and after a while, I took her hand, gingerly at first, before gripping firmer.
“I’m sorry your life was so hard. I know it mustn’t have been easy to leave us. But you gave us a chance. David is an engineer and Evan is training to be a surgeon. Can you imagine? They’re doing great. I’m doing well, too. I have three children and another one on the way. I haven’t told Mark I’m pregnant yet. I was going to surprise him tonight, but then… My life’s full of wonderful people. Tim was my first husband, and now Mark. Both amazing men. And my kids… I never would have had any of it, if you hadn’t left us that day.”
I pulled the chair closer. “You clearly kept track of us through the years, or at least recently. Thank you for not dragging us into something that would have been heart-wrenching and painful. Most people in your shoes, wouldn’t have been so selfless.” Her breathing stopped, but started again with a small sputter.
“When I was in college, I was able to locate Evan and David, too. They were teenagers at the time, with a good life, and a family who loved them. They were doing so well. So like you, I decided they were better off the way things were.”
I smoothed her hair back gently. “I forgive you. If you haven’t, it’s time to forgive yourself.”
She passed two hours later, while I was holding her hand. Her eyes opened right at the moment of death. I know it was an involuntary reflex, but I choose to believe it was something else.
“Let me just have a word with the social worker before we leave,” Mark said. I heard him check on the burial arrangements, making sure my mother’s final expenses were taken care of. Because that’s the kind of man he was.
She chose to be cremated. I had the ashes sent to me, and we buried them in a proper plot in a peaceful corner of a proper cemetery. She had lived a hard life, but her death would be peaceful and dignified.
Evan would slowly, but seamlessly, become a part of our lives. But it would take David almost five years before he was willing to meet me at Evan’s wedding. I filled them in on some of the past, but never told them about how they cried from hunger, the long days and nights alone, or the rats. I didn’t want any of those things to mar the wonderful lives they made for themselves.
“I’m starving,” I said to Mark, when we left the hospice facility. “Do you think there’s anywhere open where we can get some food?”
“I’m sure there’s someplace.” He pulled out his phone. “What do you feel like?”
“A burrito.”
“A burrito? The last time you wanted a burrito, you were pregnant.” He paused, and looked up from his phone, searching my face.
I smiled at him. A big, joyful smile, full of hope for the future.
“I planned to tell you tonight, but in a more romantic way.”
“I love you,” he murmured, cocooning me in his arms.
There was no second-guessing about this baby, just like there hadn’t been any about the last. I was a good mom, not perfect, but good. And with Mark by my side, to share life’s ups and downs, there wasn’t anything in life I couldn’t face.
“I want all the details. Every last one.” He brushed his lips over mine, and gave me one last squeeze before releasing me. “But first, let’s go get you a burrito, Sunshine.”
Thank you for reading Emmie and Mark’s story! I hope you enjoyed Loyal Subjects! I would be so grateful if you would consider posting even a short review with your preferred bookseller.
xoxo Eva
Acknowledgments
Each time I finish a book and sit to write the acknowledgements, I am humbled by the wonderful people in my life who make it all possible. Thank you to everyone who helped give life to Mark and Emmie’s story.
I owe an enormous gratitude to Veronica Rae of L. Woods PR. Thank you for your never-ending support, good sense, and most of all, your friendship. I don’t know what I would do without you in my life.
A big thank you to Faith Williams who the edited manuscript with good humor and a high tolerance for my love affair with the comma. Your attention to detail, big and small, helped turn a simple manuscript into a beautiful love story. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
A very special thank you to Virginia Carey who proofread Mark and Emmie’s story before it went out into the world. Nothing escapes you, which is why I trust you, more than anyone, to be the very last set of eyes before publication.
A huge thank you to Sarah Hansen of Okay Creations, who perfectly captured Mark and Emmie’s love on her gorgeous cover. It’s stunning in its simplicity.
Thank you to the ARC readers who read the manuscript before it was fully polished. I cannot begin to tell you how much I appreciate your time, input, and ongoing support! The story is always better because of you.
Thank you to all bloggers who loved Mark and Emmie and tirelessly spread the word! I am keenly aware that despite your professionalism, you are not paid for your hard work. I appreciate your time and generosity more than words can express.
To the readers, a big heartfelt thank-you for reading my stories, telling friends about them, leaving a review, or contacting me with some kind words or a helpful suggestion. I continue to be humbled by your generous spirit and support. I’m thrilled to have you on my journey!
To Andy, the most loyal person I know. I don’t tell you often enough, how blessed I feel to have you in my life. Loyalty goes by many names…and you embody each of them. I love you today, and always.
About the Author
After being a confirmed city-girl for more than thirty-five years, Eva moved to beautiful Western Massachusetts in 2014. There, she found herself living in the woods with no job, no friends (unless you count the turkey, deer, and coyote roaming the backyard), and no children underfoot, wondering what on earth she’d been thinking. But as it turned out, it was the perfect setting to take all those yarns spinning in her head and weave them into romantic tales.
When she’s not writing, trying to squeeze information out of her tight-lipped sons, or playing with the two cutest dogs you’ve ever seen, Eva’s creating chapters in her own love story.
Eva loves to hear from her readers!
www.evacharles.com
evacharlesauthor@gmail.com
Also by Eva Charles
Book 1: Sheltered Heart
Book 2: Noble Pursuit
Book 3: Double Play
Book 4: Unforgettable
Book 5: Loyal Subjects
Book 6: Last Dance (Coming soon!)