by Trina Solet
"It's nice that you aren't defensive about it or anything," Blake told him while looking around and trying to spot Reese among the people sitting and waiting.
"I'm used to being treated like I'm either a mythical creature or a slut," Finn said with a shrug.
"Mainly a slut," Dee Dee threw in.
"Just because you're a virgin..." Finn started to say then he turned to Blake. "She's a virgin."
Blake was perfectly fine with that. "Good for her." He was only listening with half an ear while walking around and trying to figure out where Reese could be.
"You're a virgin too," Dee Dee said to Finn.
"Only technically. She has done nothing. Nothing," Finn said.
"Good," Blake told him. He would rather Finn didn't do anything either. He assumed that was his prerogative as the older brother.
That's when he saw Reese. He was just there suddenly. He had been leaning against the other side of a post. When Blake and his squabbling siblings got close, he stepped out and just stood there and waited. It was like he was saying to Blake, "Your move."
Chapter 8
Trix had been his last stop. With his head down, his backpack over one shoulder, Reese arrived at the bus terminal. On the way there, his feet felt heavier with every step. No matter how much he wanted to see Blake, he couldn't risk it. Seeing him face to face would shatter his resolve. He wouldn't be able to walk away ever again. Not pride or anger, nothing would be strong enough to make him leave Blake a second time.
As he waited for his departure time, Reese reminded himself that he did get to see Blake, twice. It wasn't enough, and now he didn't know if he would ever see him again.
Just as he was feeling heartsick over him, brooding in a quiet corner, he heard Blake's voice. He only said a few words now and then. Mostly he heard two other voices, both cheerfully argumentative.
Reese held his breath as he sneaked a glance from his hiding place. It was Blake. Reese's heart had been thudding in his chest like a sledgehammer. Now it beat so fast and hard Reese couldn't breathe. He thought about running, but he just couldn't. Blake was right there minutes before Reese was going to leave town. Reese thought he might never see him again, and now Blake was close enough to touch. Reese couldn't run now. He stepped out and revealed himself. Then he waited.
It had been late summer, right before Reese's junior year of high school. There wasn't much to do but hang out. Reese heard about a party out at Gresham Fields on Saturday night. It wasn't that far out of town so he and Blake decided to hike out there. They did hope to be able to get a ride back to town though. But even if they didn't, it wouldn't be so bad. The days were hot, but the nights were cool and breezy.
As they walked on a deserted country road, it was already almost ten o'clock. Going over a gentle rise, they could see all around. The moon was full and bright and only the deepest shadows remained dark under its glow. The sky was spread out like it had been unfurled to show off every star.
Just as it seemed that they were lost for sure, they finally arrived at an abandoned farmhouse. Someone had decided it made a perfect spot for a party. The indoors were too musty and stuffy with the smell of rats making themselves at home. The party took place out by the mostly demolished barn and in an empty field next to it. The barn had only one corner and one wall that were left standing. Everything else was in ruins. Wood from right around there had been piled up in the field to make a small bonfire. It cast wiggling shadows as people danced and made out around it.
Reese and Blake grabbed some drinks and roamed around to explore a little. Every few feet they were tripping over people paired up, grinding and groping. Blake and Reese laughed, but they also finished their beers pretty fast and went looking for more. Reese was starting to feel that familiar pressure. Being with Blake while seeing and hearing other people going at it, Reese couldn't keep his mind from straying and his cock from rising.
Since he had first laid eyes on him, Reese had kept his true feelings tightly under wraps but always with a small hope that Blake might want him too. No, Reese wasn't that lucky, and he didn't want to risk the best thing that ever happened to him. Feeling his self-control coming undone, Reese bummed some pills off a girl he barely knew. She seemed pretty mellow so Reese figured they might do the trick, keep him from doing anything stupid, anything Blake wasn't ready for.
After the pills kicked in, he stumbled around for a while with Blake supporting him. It didn't last. Reese evened out. He felt friendly but not too friendly. Blake looked worried though and wouldn't let him drink any more.
"I don't want to end tonight with a ride in an ambulance," Blake told him as he pulled him away to a quiet corner.
They were in the shadows of the one standing corner of the barn. Blake was peering at him with a frown, making sure he was OK. He was so uptight.
Some unlucky couple came over, looking for some privacy and found the two of them there. Blake glared after them as they moved on, tripping over each other as they kissed and groped. Reese laughed. He knew what they were thinking, and he wanted everyone to look at him and Blake like that. He didn't want it to be a mistake when people thought they were screwing. He wanted it to be real. Hell, he was going to make it real.
Blake was leaning next to him, and Reese rolled over like they were in bed and he could lie on top of him. He fitted himself between Blake's legs and ignored his surprised protests and the way he growled his name in warning. Reese pressed him into the wall groping for his fly, not listening when Blake said, "What the hell, Reese?" and 'No." It was like he couldn't hear him or didn't want to hear him. Reese felt him up, pressed his mouth against his, maybe to shut him up.
He didn't let Blake push him away. He cupped his cock in his hand, feeling it big and hard under his jeans. That's when Blake hit him. It didn't seem real. While Reese still struggled with the facts, his fist reacted. It shot out and slammed into Blake's face. That was an even bigger shock. The painful, hard contact was sobering. Reese stumbled back. Tasting blood, he wiped at his lip.
As the aggression of the moment subsided, he stood there panting. So much anger welled up in him. He didn't know what to do with it. He didn't want to hit Blake again so he walked away. Fighting to keep himself upright, he headed for the bonfire like a moth drawn to light. That's when he saw Doug Neumar staring at him. That decided it.
Reese woke up with a splitting headache, sick to his stomach. Memories of the night before came back to him foggy and dreamlike at first. His split lip confirmed them as real. He could still feel the exact shape of Blake's hard cock. He closed his eyes to that memory and what came after.
Even as he angrily sorted through what happened, Reese didn't yet know the worst of it. He didn't know that the next time they met, Blake would walk right past him. He would stare coldly straight ahead and not even acknowledge Reese.
Even when it happened and Blake snubbed him, Reese didn't realize that it would last. He was nursing his own grudge against Blake. They would make up one day. Once school started, they would fall in with each other again. But it didn't happen. Blake refused to even look at him. He acted like Reese didn't exist.
For months, Reese had the urge to hurt him and also to go to him and make Blake accept him. The two impulses dueled inside him. He was at war with himself, wanting Blake and hating him, needing him and loving him until one day he couldn't take it any more. Reese left town and blindly gave himself up to whatever fate waited for him. Blake didn't want him. There was nothing left for him in Meadowview or anywhere.
*
That night at the old farm had started out with a long walk. Blake grumbled about going, but he enjoyed being out in the middle of nowhere with Reese. When no cars passed, it was as if they were the only people in the world.
He was kind of sorry when they arrived at the party. He liked it when it was just him and Reese. They did have beer and he could even see some bottles of real booze being passed around, so it wasn't a total loss.
The night was warm, but i
t turned sweltering fast. With the fire, the drinks they had, and all the writhing bodies everywhere, Blake was hot with an uncomfortable prickling under his skin. He was prodded by an urge to strip out of his t-shirt and lie down in the cool grass, somewhere away from the fire. He might have done it if Reese wasn't so on edge and looking for something to settle him down. If Reese was determined to get high, all Blake could do was make sure he was OK.
Taking Reese away from too much action, Blake was trying to keep him safe and cool him off. It was a bad move. They were alone, swallowed by darkness. Suddenly Reese was on him. He was at once familiar and alien. His body, lean and tight, molded against Blake's perfectly. Grinding into him, Reese felt hard, hot, and too alive. He was unstoppable. Reese's hands and his mouth were in all the wrong places.
Blake's senses were under attack. Overwhelmed, Blake struggled against Reese, but he couldn't stop him. Reese was stronger than Blake realized. Under his touch, Blake felt weak as if his bones had melted from the press of Reese's lips and from his tongue licking at Blake's. He barely managed to push him back, and Reese was on him again, echoing Blake's no with his own. He was out of control, and before he knew what he was doing, Blake punched him. In the next instant he felt Reese punch him back hard. Blake's head hit the wall behind him.
He was jarred by the double impact but he hardly felt it. All he saw was Reese staggering back with blood on his lip. Blake was horrified. He looked at his own hand like he wanted to cut it off. No. He hadn't done that. That wasn't him. He could never hurt Reese.
He looked up at Reese again only to watch him wipe his bloody mouth with the back of his hand, the same hand he had punched Blake with. The look in his eyes mixed too many emotions Blake had never seen before. He couldn't decipher it. Did he see hate or just anger and hurt? He didn't know. Nothing made sense. Then Reese turned and walked away toward the bonfire, wiping his bloody hand on his t-shirt.
As Reese stumbled back to the party, Blake tried to go after him. His legs felt so unsteady. In a daze, Blake went over and stood on the edge of people dancing around the fire and making out or just drunkenly leaning on each other. The fire was too bright. It filled the night air with smoke that stung his eyes. Listening to talk and laughter mixed in with music, Blake searched for Reese desperately.
When Blake found him, he was pressed up against Doug Neumar. Doug's hand was halfway down the back of Reese's jeans. Blake turned away, feeling sick. So it didn't matter who it was. It could be him or anyone. Reese just wanted to get off.
On his long walk home alone, Blake had plenty of time to think even if he didn't want to. He wanted to forget that he hit Reese. Sure Reese was aggressive and he hit him back, but that didn't make it right. Not after all the beatings Reese suffered. Now Blake was just one more person who hurt him.
Blake's face and the back of his head throbbed from being hit. Even as he moved with a heavy, dead feeling in his limbs, with every step, Blake's mind cleared. The realization hit him with a force of another punch, and Blake fought back against it. It didn't work. He tried to blame the pills, but he knew better. This thing had been brewing between them since they met, but Blake refused to see what was coming. All this time he had made himself oblivious to the truth about Reese. Reese was gay. He couldn't deny it any more.
Growing up, Blake had only heard it as an insult. With all her offhanded comments, Blake's mother had drummed it into his head that being gay was a terrible thing. She called every man who wasn't interested in paying her bills a worthless homo. She had said it even before Blake knew what it meant, but he knew it was bad. When she called Reese a homo, Blake didn't believe her.
"That white trash, homo friend of yours is outside. To think that people see you with that filth. How am I supposed to find another husband with you embarrassing me like that? Get him out of my yard before I call the cops on him," she would say whenever she saw Reese waiting for him in front of their house.
It was easy to dismiss what she said. She just hated Reese because he was poor. She wanted Blake to have rich friends. But even when others said Reese was gay, Blake refused to accept it. They were just saying that because of the way Reese looked.
Even with Reese's rough kiss fresh on his mouth, still making his lips tingle, Blake wanted to deny it. But he couldn't. He had felt it, tasted it. That was desire. That was who Reese was and what he really wanted.
Blake wanted to be angry at Reese for being gay and for what he did, but he couldn't be. He was too afraid of himself and of the violence that lurked inside him. Trying to catch his breath, Blake stopped on a silent, dark road that seemed like it went on forever. Why was he having trouble breathing?
Closing his eyes, he let the realization wash over him like ice water. He hit Reese. Reese wasn't safe with him any more. That meant that he couldn't trust himself to be around him. He knew now that he had to stay away from Reese, and he felt like he couldn't take another step. Blake opened his eyes to a sky full of stars. He wanted to scream. Reese was the only good thing he had, and now he had to give him up.
It was only much later that Blake admitted to himself the other reason he had turned his back on Reese. He was afraid of Reese's desire because Blake wanted him too. No, he loved Reese. He never wanted to push him away or hurt him. Blake wanted to keep hold of him, draw him tight against his body and say, "Don’t stop, keep going. I want you."
All these years later, Blake wished he could slap his younger self. He wished he could just go up to that younger Blake and tell him to grow a pair. But mainly he wished he could go back and take Reese in his arms and make everything OK between them, kiss him instead of hitting him. That's what he wanted to do now as he stared at him in that bus station.
Chapter 9
Finally face to face with Reese, Blake stopped breathing as his heart raced. Reese's hair was shorter than it was in high school but still long on top. He seemed more wiry and stronger though just as slim, but mostly he was so amazingly beautiful. Blake checked the urge to grab him, take him in his arms and give him a bone crushing embrace that would shatter them both. Instead he just breathed. After so many years there was Reese, still as serenely challenging as ever.
As Blake was overwhelmed by the sight of him, memories flooded back. He wanted to push them away, but they were part of who he was, of who he and Reese were to each other. He had to own them and deal with them, but first he had to keep Reese from leaving.
Blake looked worriedly at the backpack that Reese had slung over one shoulder. It told him how close Reese was to leaving town. He didn't know if he had any way to stop him.
"I was hoping... Could you stay in town a little longer?" Blake said urgently. Now that he had found Reese, he didn't want to let him out of his sight. He wasn't sure what he was going to do if Reese said no.
"With that look on your face, I guess I have to," Reese said. A smile almost tugged at the corners of his mouth and there was a hint of it in his eyes.
"What look?" Blake wanted to know.
"Let me," Finn said, butting in when Blake had forgotten all about him and Dee Dee. Finn now did an impression of Blake looking forlorn and tragically hopeful.
"Don't worry. You don’t look like that," Dee Dee assured him. Then she nudged him. "Introduce us."
"This is my sister Dee Dee and my brother Finn. This is Reese," Blake said. He felt strangely shy having them meet.
"Not bad," Reese said smiling at Finn and Dee Dee.
"We looked for you everywhere," Dee Dee told him then she couldn't contain her curiosity any more. "So who's this one eyed man anyway?"
"You saw him?" Reese asked. His demeanor immediately turned grim.
"No. Pietro mentioned him," Blake told him.
Reese didn't look happy about that either. "Why the hell were you talking to someone like Pietro?" he asked.
"Why were you?" Blake said, throwing the question right back at him.
Reese didn't bother answering, but he did warn them about the other man. "The one eyed dude is
bad news. I mean seriously bad." Reese looked at all three of them as he said this.
"Is that why you were leaving town?" Blake asked.
Reese nodded.
"But now you'll stay?" Blake wanted to make sure of it, otherwise he was ready to climb on a bus right along with Reese and to hell with everything else. "You can crash with me," he offered.
"You just found him, and the first thing you do is lure him to your motel room, so sleazy." Finn shook his head with disapproval.
"Are you still here?" Blake asked him. He really wanted to be alone with Reese.
"You're our ride," Dee Dee pointed out reasonably.
"I'll drive you back to your car. After we walk back to my car," Blake said realizing where he had left his car. He turned to Reese. "You're coming, right?" he kept worrying that Reese would disappear again.
"I guess so," Reese said. He seemed amused by Blake's anxiety to keep him by his side.
As Finn and Dee Dee walked ahead of them, and he and Reese followed, Blake was in a state of disbelief. He found Reese. He finally found him, and now he was walking beside him just like they used to, or nothing like they used to. For one thing, he couldn't keep himself from staring at Reese. If he kept walking like that, he was going to fall flat on his face.
On the way from the bus station to Trix, Blake noticed that Reese looked around constantly. That made Blake more watchful too. Instead of staring at Reese, he started looking for anyone or anything suspicious but especially a man with one eye. That's all he could do for now. He would have to wait until later to ask Reese what was going on. When he was alone with him. Alone with Reese after all this time. Blake felt lightheaded at the thought.
Standing in the motel parking lot, watching Finn and Dee Dee drive away, Blake got nervous. He didn't realize how thick the silence would be between him and Reese once the twins were gone.
