My Last

by Stefania Gil

  James sighed.

  “I made a decision and I want to let you know,” he said, looking me in the eye.

  I felt like I had been kicked in the pit of my stomach very hard. It was scary. Once again.

  “I can’t keep fighting your fears. I wanted to become the hero and save you from heartbreak. I wanted to become the love of your life, but after two years, and above all, after what happened the other night between us, I understand I can’t gain access to your life if you refuse to give it to me.

  The lump grew in my throat.

  “As I told you that night, I love you. However, I understood, in those days when we didn’t have contact, I prefer not to have you at all if you are only going to give me half. It hurts me less knowing you won’t be with me anymore and I won’t always be waiting for the day when you show me how you feel for me.”

  The tears leaked from my eyes.

  “Yes, my words ache inside you,” he said with a sweet smile. “I can see it, but I'd love to hear it come from your lips.”

  A tear slipped down my cheek. My mind was blank. It was as if a great short circuit had melted it. The man in front of me, who it was hard to admit I was in love with, was telling me it was final. Everything was going to end between us that night and I was still in the same old mindset, unable to say anything.

  He smiled in disappointment as he received no reply from me.

  “Why did you come back? This doesn’t make sense. I assumed everything was clear the days we had no contact.”

  “I'm a man, Jen not a child who leaves things up in the air so we don’t understand each other. I told you a while ago, you are someone serious in my life and...”

  He stared into my eyes as another tear escaped.

  He grabbed me by the neck and kissed me.

  The sweetest and most captivating kiss I had ever had.

  “Damn it!” He cursed, pulling away from me slightly. “I don’t know how in the hell I'm going to get you out of my head.”

  I foolishly dissolved into tears.

  “Don’t go, James. Don’t throw me out of your life, pl ... please,” I sobbed. I was surprised to hear my own words.

  I had taken a giant step without realizing it.

  Perhaps the emotional burden was so great, it had begun to seep down somewhere. Or maybe real fear gripped me when I imagined life without him after that wonderful kiss.

  James hugged me as hard as when we were at the house’s entrance and I clung to him because I realized I didn’t want to let him go.

  Suddenly, he began to laugh. It was a nervous laugh full of happiness.

  He covered my face with kisses.

  Finally stopping on my mouth.

  He gave me a soft, calm kiss, his intensity increased as his hands ran over my body.

  He stopped.

  He looked me in the eyes again.

  “Not today,” he said, smiling. “We're not going to have sex today. Today I want to stay by your side, in your bed, hold you and watch you sleep.”

  I smiled.

  “I want that too,” I said, sobbing. “Although, I don’t think we can do it.”

  We both laughed.

  “In the morning we will release our sexual tension. Let's try.”

  He took me by the hand to my room. He stopped when I didn’t move.

  He turned to face me.

  I needed to tell him.

  “Me too,” I said with a lump in my stomach. “I love you too.”

  ***

  The next morning, I woke up with a pleasant smile thanks to James’ tongue caressing me, making my intimate parts drip with pleasure.

  “My God! You can wake me up as often as you like.”

  That's when I understood the importance of the day. James had never awaken in my bed. He always went home before dawn to be with his daughter.

  Today he was here, with me. Along with the wonderful sunshine discreetly entering through the slits in my room’s curtains.

  James was under the sheets, between my legs.

  He sucked my clit slightly as he inserted two fingers.

  Soon the orgasm was upon me.

  “Good morning,” he said, smiling out of his hiding place. As he kissed my neck, he pulled up my pajama top exposing my breasts that were already alert and desperate to be caressed and kissed.

  He pleased them immediately, as he spread my legs with his, brushing his erection against my belly.

  I stroked his back and he took my hands holding them over my head and, with his other hand, he guided his shaft into my damp cave.

  He released my hands, but not before giving me a warning look to leave them where they were. He released them to support himself with his arms in order to bump his hips against mine. His movements became more intense and faster.

  Soon I felt the contractions that preceded my orgasm and, James moved even faster.

  I couldn’t contain myself.

  I shouted his name.

  He released a series of growls from deep inside his throat.

  He fell on top of me while our bodies still trembled with pleasure.

  ***

  I decided to take a long shower after being woken by this morning’s sexual activities. I was just coming out of the bathroom.

  The house smelled burnt. Burnt food. I smiled. It was typical James. He could burn water... in the microwave.

  My girly bits burned with desire. I smiled at my mental innuendo.

  I heard him talking to someone.

  I put on my bathrobe and went to the kitchen.

  “I'm very bad in the kitchen, however, I've been practicing some things to surprise Jen. He winked as I approached him to take the phone from his hands. Oh! Here she comes out of the bathroom, I'll give her the phone. Nice talking to you and I hope to see you soon.”

  “Do you know what time it is?” That was my: ‘Good morning, how are you?’ To Holly. I didn’t expect her to call my house on a Sunday morning at 8 a.m. and less, James answering the phone. My brain still hadn’t processed everything that would began to be normal among us from my spontaneous confession last night.

  “At 8 a.m.” She said, laughing. She understood my tone immediately, “and you didn’t expect me to call at this hour.”

  “What happen?” I asked sharply.

  “If you're busy, I'll call you back,” my friend said.

  “No, Holly, I'm not busy.” I sighed to try to calm my nerves beginning to brew inside me. “It's just I didn’t think you'd call me, and less, James would answer the phone.”

  James looked at me seriously after my comment.

  “It's okay, my friend.” Holly understood my concern, despite not being aware of the real situation. “I'm not going to tell you about James.”

  “What’s so special we are going to discuss it on a Sunday at 8 a.m.?”

  Holly was silent.

  “Holly, what's wrong? If you want, I'll come over now.”

  I worried. Holly's silences meant something wasn’t right.

  “No, no, please, have mercy on James, he's preparing a surprise for you in the kitchen.”

  “You, you're first.”

  “Thanks Jen, but really, this can wait.”

  “What is it, Holly?” I insisted.

  “It's too long to tell, but—”

  I interrupted her immediately.

  “I have all morning.”

  Holly told me the night before, Steve was the last to leave her house, and she had agreed to go out with him.

  That comforted me. It seemed the universe had agreed to give us both a second chance.

  Of course, the same universe, had forgotten some details regarding these second opportunities. In my case, it had forgotten to give me a map to get out of the well of terror I was in knowing many things would began to change between James and me. With Holly, it had forgotten to tell her she should not feel like she was betraying Sam by accepting Steve's invitation.

  “Holly, you don’t have to feel bad. What you are doing is
normal,” I said. “Your husband still being present in your life isn’t. However, that is another story. I don’t see anything wrong with you experiencing everything you tell me about Steve. In fact, I'm glad. He seems like a good man.”

  My friend sighed again.

  “Let's do something,” I went on, “you go have fun with Steve today and tomorrow, and I’ll see you at the pastry shop and you can tell me all about it and how you feel. You have to try. If you don’t feel at ease, I'll leave you alone about Sam. I promise.”

  “All right,” she said unconvinced. “See you tomorrow then. Kisses.”

  “Enjoy it!” I said, laughing. “Kisses.”

  I hung up the phone before giving her the chance to think of something else.

  I noticed James's eyes.

  “I only answered the phone because the ID said: Holly. It was the second time she called.”

  “You don’t have to explain why you answered the phone. I think things have to start changing like that between us.”

  He smiled at me.

  “You don’t know how happy that makes me.”

  He came up to me and hugged me.

  I observed the kitchen table set for two. Orange juice, scrambled eggs, toast and butter.

  “How many times did you burn breakfast before you did this?” I said, pointing to the funny table.

  “Mmm, I tried fried eggs.” He smiled in dismay as we sat down to breakfast. But those, are resting in peace in the trash can.

  I laughed after taking a sip of my juice.

  “How can you burn fried eggs?”

  “I was thinking about this morning’s activities and got distracted.”

  He lifted his shoulders with a smile, smearing a little butter on two pieces of toast.

  “I see you changed the calendar,” he said suspiciously. “Just like, I didn’t find my toothbrush either.”

  “Yes”, that was me being impulsive and then I realized what day it was. “O holy god!” I opened my eyes and my expression reflected my embarrassment. “I’m sorry.”

  I got up from my chair and sat down on his lap.

  I covered him with kisses.

  “Happy Birthday!”

  He smiled like a child.

  “Thank you. This is the best birthday I have ever had.”

  “That's why you're in Chicago.”

  His smile disappeared.

  “No, Jen, I'm in Chicago because I decided to disobey my father's orders to stay as long as possible on the island. I couldn’t keep letting the days go by not knowing how you and I were. I'm in Chicago, even though my whole family already had tickets to go and give me a birthday surprise this weekend.”

  I felt guilty.

  I returned to my seat.

  “I am glad it was not all in vain and I’m sorry to have ruined your family’s plans.”

  He smiled.

  “That's settled. Tonight there's a celebration dinner at my mother's house and I want you to come.”

  I couldn’t help the panic reflected on my face.

  “Please.”

  James begged.

  My hands trembled. I couldn’t say no. Not after wanting things between him and me to be different. So I armed myself with courage. A lot of courage.

  “It's all right, James. I’ll be there.”

  ***

  After breakfast in the kitchen and... in bed, James went to spend the day with his daughter, Sienna.

  Anxiety was killing me.

  I wanted to relax, but it was impossible. My declaration from last night echoed in my ears.

  The worst thing was, it replayed in my memory. I told him I loved him and I was happy I could express what I felt. However those words were so big for me and I couldn’t stop feeling the disgusting fear I had for love.

  What would happen between us after today?

  We would become a normal couple, who visited their relatives. We would go for walks with his daughter. We would talk about the future.

  I shuddered at the thought of James proposing us living together or getting marry.

  “One step at a time, Jen,” I said aloud, trying to calm myself. “One step at a time. Like alcoholics. Live one day at a time.”

  How I missed Dr. Rose. I needed-with real urgency-to talk to a therapist about everything I was experiencing.

  I wanted to stop being emotional and let my heart dominate all my actions, however, I didn’t believe everything would turn out as well as it seemed.

  What if I had a panic attack at James 'parents' house or ran away?

  “No, no, no,” I said to myself again. “That can’t happen.”

  I got up from the couch, got dressed and went to the mall closest to my home to buy a nice gift for the man who had made me realize how wrong I was when I thought, being alone, made me happy.

  ***

  I returned home with enough time to take a quick shower and get dressed to go to James' parents. We agreed he would pick me up. I wanted to make sure he wouldn’t regret inviting me to his family celebration at the last minute.

  That would be a resounding no. I had to face my new situation. I had to learn to believe everything was going to go well with James. He wouldn’t turn out like my previous experiences in love.

  I remembered Dr. Rose all day.

  And again, I remembered when she told me I had to face my fears in order to be able to trust again.

  James accepted with doubt. I could hear it in his voice over the phone that afternoon.

  But, he trusted me.

  And I couldn’t fail him.

  Although the universe wasn’t always in my favor.

  When I got in the car, I realized I had three missed calls from Claire. I left my cell phone in my purse when I got home and hadn’t heard it.

  That was very strange, because she never called so insistently unless... something had happened.

  I immediately called.

  “Aunt Jen, please,” Claire wept hysterically. “You have to come help us. I don’t know what's wrong with Mom.”

  “I'll be there in ten minutes.”

  ***

  I got out of the car at Holly's house. It upset me when I heard my friend crying like nothing I had ever heard before.

  Claire opened the door for me and I ran to Holly, who was sitting in the lounge chair, swaying, and sobbing uncontrollably. She was babbling words we couldn’t understand.

  “What happened?” I asked Claire and Jason as they looked at me panicked.

  “We don’t know,” Jason said. “Today she went out with Steve and we went our separate ways. We arrived home almost at the same time. We found her sitting in the middle of the room, crying like she is now.”

  I looked for my cell phone but didn’t find it in my bag.

  “Do you have Steve's phone number?” I stared Claire in the eye as she nodded. She searched for his number on her cell phone.

  “Call him now and give it to me.”

  I reached for her cell phone with shaking hands before Steve answered.

  “Hi, Steve,” I said.

  “Jen?” He asked with surprise. “Is everything alright?”

  “No, it's not all right,” I countered. “What the hell happened to Holly?” I said, raising my voice.

  “I don’t know,” he sounded surprised. “What is it, Jen? You’re scaring me.”

  Suddenly, Holly groaned in pain swaying more violently while hugging herself.

  Claire sank into her brother's arms and they both burst into disconsolate tears.

  My heart was going to break from the misery.

  “Is that Holly?” Steve asked, and I heard a door close on the other end of the phone. “I'm coming.”

  In a few minutes, Steve appeared at Holly’s house.

  By the time he arrived, Jason, Claire and I, we were trying to get Holly to her room. Even among the three of us, we couldn’t.

  In a few steps, Steve reached for Holly and hugged her. She was still in shock. Steve put one arm around her neck, t
he other under her legs and lifted her.

  “Let's take her to her bed.”

  We guided Steve to Holly's room and he lay her gently on the bed. She turned her back to him, curling into a fetal position.

  Steve covered her with the sheets and said:

  “Let's leave.”

  Claire and Jason looked at each other in anguish. It was clear they didn’t dare leave their mother alone and less in that state.

  “It's important we talk,” Steve told them.

  We did as he asked.

  We went down to the kitchen and I prepared linden tea for everyone.

  A strange silence filled the house.

  I couldn’t help thinking I had been a fool to let Holly out of not visiting a therapist.

  “I should have forced her to go.”

  “Don’t blame yourself, Jen,” Steve told me. “These things, they are like this.”

  I served the linden tea in cups and each of us took one.

  Steve began to speak quietly and calmly, telling us everything that happened on their picnic at his house on the outskirts of his property.

  Apparently, Steve had been the victim of a direct phantom attack by Sam.

  In the middle of the date, Sam let Steve know Holly would always be his.

  I snorted.

  I was going to kick Sam's butt with all my might if he was the blame for my friend's current state.

  “If Holly is able to see and talk to Sam, I don’t doubt they had a lot of discussion when I dropped her off at home after the episode we witnessed on our date.”

  Claire and Jason were not shocked.

  “Did you know about this, Aunt Jen?” Jason asked me.

  I nodded, taking a sip of my tea.

  “It seemed crazy to me from the beginning,” I said later.

  “Let her tell you the story,” Steve told the youth. “She needs to do it. She feels guilty for not having told you everything from the beginning and I think, in the coming days, it will be hard for everyone. Holly is going to have a second fight.”

  “Second?” I asked wryly. “There was never a first, Steve. Now she's going to live the real duel.”

  “We must be strong for her.” Steve peered directly in my eyes. I learned he was a clinical psychologist and knew the professional was talking to me, not the man who was in love with my friend. “We can’t leave her alone and we must support her at all times.”