by Fiona Lowe
‘Of course they’re our children.’ He tried not to shout because he really needed her to understand and right now the argument was going round and round in circles. He wanted to hold her, stroke her hair, tell her it would work out for the best his way, but every part of her vibrated with rigid tension.
He dragged in a breath. ‘A wise woman once told me I needed to honour Jenna through the children and that was the way to move forward. You, me and the kids, we’re a family and that’s moving forward.’
She sighed, the long, resigned sound circling him. ‘I no longer want to be the convenient choice to help you absolve your guilt about Jenna.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ His words shot out hot and indignant. ‘You are not a convenient choice!’
She raised her chestnut brows in a questioning arch. ‘I think I am. I was willing to wait, Gabe. I wanted to trust and believe that you would change your mind about our baby but this time I’m not misunderstanding anything at all, am I? This time there is no maybe; your decision is an absolute and final no, and that means I can’t marry you.’
Fear coalesced into anger. ‘You’re going to walk away from a ready-made family because you can’t have a child of your own? ‘ His fist hit the table, making the cutlery jump. ‘And here I was thinking that the selfish princess had grown up. Perhaps it is better we don’t get married because the triplets don’t need the experience of one child being favoured over them.’
Her gasp slapped him and he tried not to care. She was the one rejecting him. Again. ‘I suppose it was a crazy idea to think you might have changed and that you would love my children enough to stay.’
‘And I was crazy enough to think you loved me.’
He threw out his arms. ‘What I’m offering you is better than love but you’re too self-obsessed to see it!’
Her chair scraped across the floor as she shot to her feet, doubling over for a moment before she stood tall and straight. ‘Goodbye, Gabe.’
He watched her go in a haze of déjà vu, letting her walk away from him as he simmered in anger, rejection and bitter disappointment. He’d been a fool to think that the triplets would be enough for her and that she’d stay so together they could make it work. He’d been a total and utter fool.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
ELLY sat down at the nurses’ station, looked at the clock and dropped her head onto the desk. How could it only be one o’clock? The rest of the afternoon stretched ahead of her and her receptionist had already texted to tell her the clinic was fully booked.
She’d dragged herself out of bed again that morning and for the second day in a row she felt listless and exhausted, but she guessed that walking away from the man and children you loved would do that to a woman. She’d spent the last two nights staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep and not even able to toss and turn, because moving quickly caused the strained ligament to catch, sending red-hot pain through her. Gabe had joked it was a hernia and although she was certain it was nothing more than a strain, it was taking its own sweet time to improve.
Part of her welcomed the physical pain because it took her mind off the black hole inside her; a hole that alternated between sizzling with anger and pain, and aching with emptiness. Either way it was a constant companion of grief. She still found it hard to believe that her dream had shattered so quickly and so irrevocably that it now lay in jagged shards around her heart. Her head danced a continuous tango of ‘How could you have let yourself love him again when he hurt you so much last time’ with ‘I never stopped loving him and I truly thought he loved me’. And that was the biggest kicker of all. Gabe didn’t love her.
Her throat tightened as it always did when she let her thoughts go to that soul-destroying place. He wanted her in his life but not what she wanted in her life, and today he and the triplets would leave Midden Cove and head back to their life in Melbourne. Next week she’d have to politely enquire about them when she bumped into Cathleen and James at Coast-Care or in town. Dear God, she didn’t think she could do that.
Tears pricked the back of her eyes and she blinked rapidly to keep them at bay. She would not break down at work. She saved her meltdowns for the sanctuary of home and that wasn’t going to happen for at least six hours.
‘Elly, what are you doing?’
She slowly raised her head to see Sarah—who’d just arrived for the afternoon shift—leaning against the desk. ‘I’m just taking a speed rest before I go into action.’
Sarah frowned. ‘Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately?’
‘I have, and I think these massive black rings under my eyes make me look extremely alluring. ‘ She sat up, stretched and immediately winced as the pain in her lower abdomen caught her again.
‘You’re not coming down with the bug half the town has, are you? Fever, vomiting?’ Sarah reached out her hand, resting it on Elly’s forehead. ‘You seem a bit hot to me.’
She shook her head. ‘We’re all hot today, just like yesterday. Johnno assures me that the missing part for the air-conditioning arrived in Devonport this morning and is on its way down here now.’
‘That’s good but, still, your eyes look a bit glassy. Are you sure you’re not coming down with something?’
Elly bit her lip, knowing that the unshed tears were the culprits for her glazed-eyed look but she wasn’t up to telling Sarah anything just yet, especially in the middle of A and E, but she threw her friend a bone. ‘I took your advice and dumped Dev.’
Sarah rolled her eyes. ‘I worked that out a couple of weeks ago but dumping Dev should have you glowing, not looking like death. So spill. If you’re not coming down with something, what is it?’
‘Elly.’ Sandy hurried over. ‘Gerald Ferguson’s arrived with chest pain. I’ve given him oxygen, attached him to the ECG and drawn blood for enzymes.’
As Elly turned her head toward Sandy, Sarah whispered into her ear, ‘You’re not off the hook, you know. I expect to hear everything later.’
Elly gave a weary nod and rose slowly to her feet to avoid aggravating the pain, which now seemed to have moved to her groin. She accepted the ECG tracing from the other nurse, staring at it and seeing the unwelcome ST elevation. ‘You’re an absolute star, Sandy. I better go and administer some meds.’
Gabe stared at the pile of travel bags, all zipped up and waiting to be loaded into the car. Thankfully, this time tomorrow he’d be back in his apartment and in a thriving city of four million people where, unlike Midden Cove, he could be invisible if he chose. Midden Cove was too small and it had contracted even further now he was avoiding running into Elly. Neither of them needed that because after the other night there was nothing left to say.
He couldn’t wait to get back to throw himself into work and throw all thoughts of Elly’s betrayal out of his heart. Being back in Melbourne was the key to him moving on because while he was in Midden Cove everything reminded him of Elly and he woke up each morning to feeling angry desolation that she wasn’t next to him and that she didn’t want what he’d offered.
You didn’t offer her love.
Love only causes anguish and despair.
He’d offered her something better; his children and his deep and abiding affection.
His father had taken the triplets out into the garden, leaving him free to pack, and now the job was done he wandered into the kitchen.
Cathleen turned from the sink. ‘All packed?’
‘All packed.’ He picked up the kettle and checked for water, and on finding it full he switched it on. ‘It’s a late sailing so we can spend the morning at the beach and they can have a nap before we head north.’
‘That’s a sensible plan.’ She grabbed some oven mitts and pulled two hot baking trays out of the oven. ‘I thought I’d send you on your way with some chocolate-chip cookies. They’re the triplets’ favourite.’
‘What about me?’ He plucked one off the tray, tossing the hot biscuit between his fingers. ‘They’re my favourite too.’
She laughed.
‘I remember. They were the only thing you were ever interested in cooking.’
‘They’re still the only thing I’m interested in cooking. I pay a woman to come in once a week and she cooks and freezes all our meals—that way I know we’re eating healthily. ‘
His mother expertly slid the cookies onto the cooling racks. ‘We all have our strengths, darling, and domesticity was never one of yours, but you’ve surprised us all with the marvellous job you’re doing with the children. Sole parenting is never easy.’
Old irritation resurfaced as the kettle pinged and shut off. ‘I don’t really have much of a choice, do I?’
‘We all have choices.’ Cathleen frowned. ‘I know the triplets were completely unplanned and that life with Jenna was difficult, but you don’t have to raise them on your own for ever. You’ll meet someone who loves you and the triplets, and wants to be part of your life.’
‘You think?’ He poured boiling water over the fragrant tea leaves in his mother’s white china teapot and his hurt and anger poured out with it. ‘Maybe I asked the wrong woman, then, because Elly doesn’t want us.’
The oven tray Cathleen was holding clattered onto the sink. ‘You asked Elly to live with you? But I thought you said it was all about the sex?’
‘Damn it, Mum, I’m thirty-five years old and it’s not right for us to be discussing my sex life.’ He tugged the tea cosy hard over the pot and ground his teeth. ‘And to set the record straight, what I actually said was that we were friends and you told me not to confuse friendship and sex.’
‘And did you?’ Eyes very similar to his own held his gaze with unstinting frankness.
No! He hauled open the fridge and grabbed the milk. ‘Elly and I are great friends. We get along really well most of the time and she’s great with the triplets so I thought we’d be good together, that we’d make a solid team to raise the triplets.’
‘Ah.’ She dumped the cooking implements into the sink.
‘What the hell is that supposed to mean?’
‘It sounds like you offered her a business agreement.’
Do you love me, Gabe? He slopped tea into two mugs, his hand gripping the teapot so hard it cramped. ‘It was so much more than that! It was a future, a life together, her opportunity for the triplets to be the children she’d always wanted. It should have been a win-win situation, but she threw it all back in my face because she doesn’t want us, she just wants a child of her own.’
Cathleen stared at him, her expression disbelieving. ‘But I’ve seen the affection Elly has for the triplets.’
‘Yeah, well, it’s not enough for her.’ His bitterness scalded his throat along with the hot tea.
Cathleen gave him a pitying look. ‘Of course it isn’t enough. Elly will want to make her new family complete by having a child with the man she loves.’
God, what was it with women? Why couldn’t they be rational? ‘But that’s the point, Mum. With Elly we’re complete the way we are, and she has a strong line of twins in her family. I can’t parent more children. Half the time I’m drowning with the three I’ve got.’
‘Do you love her, Gabriel?’
He ploughed his hand through his hair as the quietly-spoken words sliced through him. ‘Elly and I were together for a year of euphoric highs and gut-wrenching lows that sent us spinning into an emotional maelstrom we couldn’t navigate ourselves out of. When we split I met Jenna, and you know how that turned out. Love wasn’t even in the picture, and by the end of that nightmare I struggled to even find affection.’
He blew out a long breath. ‘If what Elly and I had back in Melbourne was love, then I can’t do it. Not again. But I can do what we’ve had in the last few weeks. It was less fraught, it brought us together and it was …’ He struggled to find the word. ‘It sounds ridiculous but it was peaceful.’
Cathleen sipped her tea. ‘That’s love too, Gabe.’
He shook his head emphatically, shutting out the words. ‘It’s a brand of friendship.’
She responded in kind and put down her mug. ‘Love changes over time. When I met your father it was all high excitement and high drama and we fought hard and made up even harder. There were times when we almost separated but we knew we belonged together too much, and thankfully we recognised that love comes in different guises. It changed and became a caring and companionable togetherness but that doesn’t mean the high-octane passion goes, it’s just expressed differently.’
She tilted her head in a knowing look. ‘Seeing I’m not allowed to discuss your sex life, I’ll leave you to work out what I mean. But let me tell you one last thing—if you wake up in the morning and feel lost without Elly, then you love her, no matter what names you want to give to those feelings.’
He thought of how much he missed her in his bed, of how his arms ached to hold her and how much he craved their long conversations and laughter. But then the anger and hurt swirled inside him, biting and scratching, reminding him of the pain they caused each other, and he drained his tea. ‘Thanks for the kitchen philosophising, Mum, but Elly and I aren’t you and Dad. It’s over.’
Gerald Henderson’s arrival was just the start and Elly hadn’t actually made it back to the clinic due to the flux of emergency cases. So far she’d administered a Ventolin nebuliser for Tommy Argenti’s asthma, insulin for a tourist’s hyperglycaemia, removed a fish hook that had become deeply embedded in an amateur fisherman’s thumb and she was now stitching up Josh Reardon’s palm after he’d disagreed with a knife.
‘Right, Josh, you need to keep that clean and dry for five days but even after that don’t go dragging it in the dirt. Make an appointment to see my practice nurse for removal of the stitches in about nine days.’
‘Don’t worry, Elly, I’ll make sure he’s good.’ Sally turned to her husband, who was looking pale and slightly green after seeing blood gush out of the deep wound. ‘Come on, honey. I’ll tuck you up on the couch with the remote.’
As Elly peeled off her gloves, she wished she could lie down, close her eyes and tuck up in bed. Her head pounded and she hoped that the now-fixed air-conditioning would hurry up and start cooling the hospital down because she felt very hot. She grabbed a glass of water before heading back to check on Gerald Henderson, savouring the coolness as it slipped down her throat.
Gerald, a burly farmer, sat propped up against a pile of pillows with oxygen prongs in his nose, an IV dripping into his arm and the leads of the monitor keeping him firmly in bed. His bulk dwarfed the hospital’s narrow bed, making him look out of place, but the fear in his eyes told her he was most definitely a patient.
Sarah pressed a button on the IV pump and threw Elly a worried look.
Elly caught the look and was surprised because she thought her patient was looking a lot better than he had an hour ago. She reached for the chart and red-hot pain tore down her leg, forcing her to grip the bed-end. She tensed and the pain intensified so she blew out a long, deep breath and the spasm passed. Elly managed to pick up the chart and decided the first spare moment she had she’d ultrasound her groin to see if she’d done some real damage to herself. And she vowed she was never lifting heavy boxes again. ‘How’s the pain now, Gerry?’
‘I think I’m doing better than you, Doc. You don’t look so good. ‘ The farmer’s sun-lined face creased in concern.
Elly tried to smile. ‘Don’t worry about me. It’s nothing a good sleep won’t fix.’ Sleep doesn’t mend a broken heart. She flicked through the chart. ‘Now, I need you to tell Sarah if the pain changes in any way, OK? This is not a time to be stoic, Gerry, because we need to monitor your heart and keep it as healthy as we can.’
The farmer nodded, his expression resigned. ‘Righto. Listen, seeing as I’m here, would you mind looking at a spot on my back? The wife’s been nagging me to come and see you.’
‘Of course. Happy to.’ Elly moved in closer to the bed and slid one arm under Gerry’s while Sarah did the same on the other side. ‘On the count of three lean forward, Gerry. One,
two, three.’
Elly pulled as Gerry leaned and pain exploded. Searing, burning, tearing pain, ripping through her from her groin to her shoulder. She pitched forward, her legs unable to hold her as her vision blurred and bile spilled into her throat.
‘Elly!’
‘Doc!’
She tried to speak but she couldn’t move air in or out of her lungs as the pain shattered her, leaving no part of her unscarred. She wanted to curl up, stretch out, do something, anything to make the pain go, but it gripped her like a vice, stealing everything from her.
She felt Sarah’s hands on her, easing her off Gerry and moving her onto the floor. She immediately rolled onto her side, pulling her legs up to her chin, trying to banish the pain. She heard the rip of Velcro and the touch of the blood-pressure cuff and then Sarah’s voice, sounding like it was coming from a long way away.
‘Elly, where does it hurt?’
She tried to say, ‘Here’ but she couldn’t. Her hands gripped her stomach as her head spun and blackness swirled at the edges of her mind.
‘Elly, stay with me. I’m putting in an IV.’
She vaguely heard voices shouting, feet running, but the pain dominated every single second, never lessening its grip. The darkness beckoned her, promising relief. She tried to fight it, tried so hard to concentrate on Sarah’s voice, but the pain made her cry out and that made it triple in intensity. The temptation of the darkness became too much and she bargained. She’d just go there for a minute, just one minute to get some strength so she could cope, so she could survive.
‘Elly, help’s on its way.’
But she didn’t want help. She just wanted the pain gone. The darkness enveloped her, washing over her like a velvet cloak. Peace at last.
Lucy climbed into the car first, settling into the middle car seat, and Gabe leaned over, clicking her in securely. On the other side of the car, his father lifted Rory into his seat and Gabe turned around and picked up Ben. Two minutes later all three triplets were securely ensconced and it was time to go.
