Welcome to Forever

by Annie Rains

  Their forever had been too short.

  The gate to the cemetery creaked loudly as she entered. She wasn’t even sure why she was here. She just didn’t know where else to go to feel his presence anymore. She’d felt him with her when she’d worn his ring. But that was silly. She knew that in her head.

  Now everything was so confusing. Her heart was starting to love someone else, and she was beginning to forget pieces of John, molding his memories with those of the man she was in love with now. How could she do this all over again? Love a man who was deploying to some foreign country, to put himself in danger?

  She stood in front of John’s granite headstone. Being here always felt surreal. A few feet below her was the body of the man she missed snuggling into at night. She missed talking to him, telling him how her day was, and how she felt.

  “Hey.” Her voice cracked as she knelt on the soft grass. “It’s me. I’m sorry it’s been so long.” A sob escaped as she spoke, and she wiped at her tears. Her nose was running now, too. “I wanted to tell you that I met someone. He’s strong like you.” Strong the way she had tried to be, and she’d almost succeeded until now. “I should be there with him right now, but I’m scared. Losing you was—” She swallowed hard, shaking her head and pressing her eyes shut. “I can’t go through that again, John. I can’t risk everything for something that might not work out. What if he doesn’t come home? What if I’m left all alone?”

  Her shoulders shook as she waited for an answer she knew wouldn’t come. John was dead. He couldn’t tell her what to do. But if he were here, he’d be arguing her out of these fears. That’s what he’d done when she’d nearly backed out of applying for the principal job at Seaside Elementary. Anytime John had faced something that scared him, he’d run toward it head-on. Fear was like a personal challenge to him, and he’d never backed down from a challenge. That’s what made him an incredible leader. A hero. The man she’d loved.

  She loved another man now. Micah.

  She sat there for a long time. Then she got up and starting walking on shaky legs. The wind was blowing harder now, seeming to push her toward her car as she walked away. It was as if John were telling her to go. Telling her what she knew she had to do.

  But he was wrong. Maybe he’d always been wrong. She wasn’t as strong as him, chasing down her fears and defeating her challenges. So, instead of going back to Micah, she went home.

  —

  Micah’s arms were sore from the shearing attack he’d declared on the first tree he’d come in contact with after his run-in with Kat. Limbs lay on the ground all around him as if a storm had shaken the tree within an inch of its life.

  It’d grow back thicker and more beautiful than before, though. He knew that. And he and Ben would do the same once he returned home from his last deployment. He and Kat would not, though. She’d made that crystal clear and, in doing so, she’d also sent another devastating blow to Ben.

  He hacked another branch, cursing under his breath. This was his fault. He’d known deep down in his gut not to get involved with another woman. Ben needed stability. That had been the whole theme for the year, giving his son a place to grow roots, to get strong. And damn if he didn’t fuck it all up by falling for a woman who could leave them when the going got tough.

  Branch after branch fell to the ground. He was in a frenzy and he knew it, but hell if it didn’t feel good to release all the emotion storming inside of him.

  “Just what on God’s green earth do you think you’re doing, Micah Daniel Peterson?” Aunt Clara’s voice snapped over the string of words coming out of his mouth. The moment reminded him a lot of that first summer afternoon when she’d found him doing something similar in her backyard.

  “I’m trimming the bushes. What does it look like?” he growled, not meaning to get short with his aunt.

  “It looks like a grown man having a temper tantrum, if you ask me.”

  He dropped his shears and looked at her, wiping the back of his hand across his brow to keep the sweat from pouring into his eyes. “She left. She couldn’t even pretend like she wasn’t going to run as fast as her legs would possibly carry her for Ben’s sake. No. She just took off.” He ran both hands through his hair. “I knew better than to get involved. I knew it. And if Ben takes a downturn because of this…” He shook his head.

  “Then he’ll bounce right back,” Aunt Clara said slowly, stepping closer and bracing her arms over his. “He’s a strong kid, Micah. You’ve raised him well, and you should be proud of yourself.”

  The words made his throat tighten, which isn’t what he wanted. He wanted to be mad. He wanted to tear something up, to punch something.

  “And don’t pretend this is all about Ben’s hurt feelings.”

  Micah’s gaze sharpened on her, but her eyes only warmed in response. “Your feelings are hurt, too. Kat walked away from both of you.”

  His chest ached. “Yeah,” he finally said.

  “Give her time. She’s been through a lot.”

  Right now, he didn’t give a shit what baggage Kat had in her past, though. She’d come along for the ride, knowing he was a Marine. Knowing he had a kid that was fragile. She hadn’t come into this relationship blind. There were risks, and if she wasn’t strong enough to face them, then he couldn’t afford to give her time, and hope she stuck if and when she decided to come back.

  “How’s Ben?” he asked, changing the subject.

  “He’s resting in his bedroom,” Clara said.

  With a nod, Micah picked up the shears again. “I need to be alone. Can you stay with him awhile?”

  “As long as you need.”

  Which was exactly what Micah needed in his life. Someone with staying power. Someone who would be there for his family when they needed them. He’d hoped Kat was that kind of person, but he knew now that she wasn’t.

  “Thanks. I’ve got a few more bushes to trim,” he said.

  Chapter 25

  “You look sick,” Val said when Kat walked in on Monday morning.

  Kat plopped down in the chair behind her desk, catching a few loose papers as they flew toward the floor. She felt sick, but not the kind that would allow her to stay home in bed, which is what she’d done all weekend after running out on Micah.

  “And you didn’t answer my calls yesterday. Julie said you were depressed.” Val cocked an eyebrow, folding her arms at her chest.

  “I plead the Fifth,” Kat said miserably. “But I really hate the word ‘depressed.’ ” Even though that’s exactly what she was. So depressed that her bones literally ached and it hurt to move from one side of the room to the other.

  “You want to talk about it?” Val asked.

  Shaking her head, Kat pressed her lips together. If she spoke, she might get all teary-eyed, and this was where she worked. She was good at her job. At least she still had that.

  Val came a little closer and laid a plate of fresh-baked muffins down. “Here. These are for you. I eat when I’m depressed. And you said my baking was good, so…” She shrugged.

  “Thank you, Val. You’re the best secretary ever.”

  “And you’re a very bad liar,” Val said with a smile.

  “I plead the Fifth,” Kat said again, smiling for the first time in the last forty-eight hours, and making herself laugh a little.

  “Mrs. Burroughs wanted to know if you could help her set up for the book fair this week. She’s in the media center right now helping the PTO unload boxes.”

  Kat reached for a muffin, peeling off its wrapper. Last week, she and Dora had a heart-to-heart, and Dora had apologized, humbly asking for another chance to be a better assistant principal. And everyone deserved another chance—Kat truly believed that. People deserved as many chances as they were sincere in asking for.

  Kat took a bite, moaned, then set it down on the paper plate for later. “If you need me, I’ll be in the media center,” she told Val, who chuckled.

  “Good luck.”

  As Kat walked in that
direction, her heart pained seeing a familiar wheelchair in front of her. Ben. She hadn’t just run off on Micah over the weekend. She’d left Ben, too. Poor kid.

  “Hey there, buddy,” she said, walking up beside him, fully expecting him to look up at her with those large, adoring eyes that were always so happy to see her.

  He didn’t.

  “Ben?”

  He pushed the wheel of his chair with his right arm harder, attempting to go faster. “Leave me alone, okay?” he said, his words slurring together.

  “I’m sorry about the other day. I shouldn’t have run out the way I did.”

  He shrugged, not stopping or looking at her. “You’re just like everyone else. I’m used to it.”

  “I’m not like—”

  He looked at her. “Yeah, you are. Just go, Principal Chandler. I have to get to class.”

  She stopped walking and watched him wheel away. Biting the inside of her cheek, she begged herself not to dissolve into tears.

  “Eating muffins is better—way better,” she mumbled. Then she turned to go do exactly that and came face-to-face with her assistant principal.

  “Kids don’t hold grudges long. I had three boys and one girl. I have six grandchildren. Do something special for them and they’re like putty in your hands.”

  “Like what?” Kat asked numbly, surprised that she was actually having a human conversation with Dora. Maybe things really would change between them.

  “Saying I’m sorry goes a long way with kids. Especially over a bowl of ice cream.”

  Kat swallowed a small laugh. “Thanks. I’ll remember that. Do you still need help with the book fair setup?”

  Dora waved a hand. “I heard you babbling about some muffins. Go eat your heart out. You can come help me later.”

  Kat laughed and nodded. “Sounds good.” She wished saying sorry was as easy between adults. Of course, if she were to run into Micah right now, she wouldn’t know what she was apologizing for. For falling in love with him? For not being stronger? For turning her back when he needed her most?

  For all of the above, she decided, plopping behind her desk and finishing off that first muffin, then following it with a second.

  —

  Micah watched Ben and Lawson laugh across the table at each other. They usually had their weekly meal with “Uncle” Lawson at home, but tonight, the best that Micah could do was offer to pay for pizza, which Lawson readily agreed to.

  Worth every penny, too, because Lawson made Ben smile.

  “It’s the cowboy hat,” his friend tried to say earlier in the night, as Micah rolled his eyes. But damn if he wasn’t considering buying his own cowboy hat these days.

  “So, this Kimberly girl has invited you to her birthday party, huh?” Lawson was saying as Ben’s pale skin darkened to a deep red. “That’s serious business.” Lawson nodded. “When a girl invites you to her party, it means she likes you. Boys don’t often get invited to girls’ parties. Better make sure you buy a good gift.”

  Both Ben and Lawson looked at Micah, who just shrugged. “I’ll take you tomorrow,” he said, unable to muster any enthusiasm. “How’s that?”

  “I was thinking I might need to borrow your hat,” Ben said, returning his attention to Lawson.

  “You don’t need a hat, little man. Not when the girl is drawing you pictures and begging you to come to her house. Your charm is natural.”

  At this, Micah finally smiled. It was short-lived, though, because his gaze caught on the three females walking into Kirk’s Pizza House. Kat, Julie, and Val. He groaned, and Lawson immediately looked back to see the source of his misery.

  “You could go talk to her,” he said.

  Micah shook his head. “I’ve got nothing to say.”

  “She invited me to her office for ice cream yesterday,” Ben offered, causing Micah’s brows to lift.

  “You didn’t mention that,” he said.

  Ben shrugged. “I thought you might get jealous, or something.”

  Jealous? Well, yeah, maybe just a little.

  “Ice cream and, let me guess,” Micah said, tapping his finger on his chin. “She’s now your favorite principal again?”

  “She said she was sorry, Dad. And I believe her.”

  Micah leaned forward and ruffled Ben’s hair. “You are a great kid, you know that? You’re also a sucker for ice cream. Was it chocolate?”

  “Chocolate fudge.” Ben shrugged. “So?” He looked at Micah expectantly. Lawson did, too.

  “So what?” Micah asked. “She didn’t apologize to me, and she didn’t invite me to her office for chocolate fudge ice cream, either.” Although that was never exactly his treat of choice when it came to Kat.

  “Maybe you should apologize first,” Ben suggested, grabbing a third slice of pizza.

  “Me?” Micah drew back. “I didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “Doesn’t matter.” Lawson shook his head. “In my vast experience, the guy always has to say sorry first. It’s a law or something.”

  Micah shot him a look. “Let’s just eat and get out of here. I’m not saying sorry for something I didn’t do.” He glanced back at Kat, sitting with the other two women. At least she’d made amends with his son. That was something. But it wasn’t enough, so pondering going over and saying anything to her right now was out of the question.

  —

  An hour later, Micah turned the lights off in Ben’s room and stared at him from the doorway. In one month’s time, he’d be gone, and this was one of the things he’d miss the most. He loved tucking in his son and telling him goodnight. Boys didn’t get tucked in forever. By the time Micah got home from deployment, Ben might be too big for such things. He was already in the third grade, too big by most kids’ standards. Ben hadn’t pushed him away yet, though, and Micah was going to hang on to every opportunity to be a father to him that he could.

  “Dad, stop staring at me,” Ben said sleepily.

  Micah couldn’t resist. He crossed the room and bent to kiss his son’s forehead. “Don’t grow up while I’m away, okay?”

  “Okay,” came Ben’s sleepy reply. “I’ll try not to.”

  Micah walked down the hall toward the kitchen, not ready for sleep himself. Instead, he brewed a pot of coffee and started working on a new landscaping design for the azalea festival that would take place in early spring. He wouldn’t be around in the spring, but someone else could work with his designs. He’d spoken to a guy named Trevor, who was interested in overseeing things while Micah was away. And when he returned, he’d hopefully be back in the same position as he was now. His father had tried to ruin things for him, or help him as Aunt Clara always insisted was his real motivation, and he’d failed. The only thing Colonel Peterson had ruined was Micah’s relationship with Kat.

  Which was probably for the best anyway.

  At a quarter past midnight, Micah finally turned off the lights and headed to his room, hoping for more than another night of tossing and turning.

  —

  She couldn’t sleep. Kat tossed on the bed and read the clock again. Almost midnight. Sitting up, she blew out a breath, and then reached for the pull on her bedside lamp. Her gaze immediately caught on the shoebox across the room—the one she’d been avoiding since cleaning out the master bedroom for Julie.

  She was tired of avoiding things, though. Facing them head-on seemed to be working well lately. Although she hadn’t had the opportunity to face Micah. Not yet at least. He seemed to be avoiding her, going so far as to hire a fill-in lawn guy named Trevor to take care of the school’s campus.

  Kat retrieved the shoe box and carried it back to her bed. Lifting the top, she stared for a long moment at the contents, which were mostly paper products. Cards. Love notes. Handwritten vows that never got recited. Surprisingly, she found herself smiling at the bunch. Coming to the bottom of the box, her hand paused on one crumpled envelope. It was unopened, and across the front, it simply read KAT. She’d never seen it before, but instinctively she
knew what it was. A gasp caught in her throat.

  John was a man who liked to prepare for things. It was his way. And before going to war, it only made sense that he’d prepare in case he never returned.

  She ripped the top open, her heart speeding up as she pulled the thin paper from inside. She hesitated before unfolding it, wondering what he’d written, contemplating if she was truly ready to hear his last words to her. Then, taking a breath, she unfolded the paper carefully and started reading.

  Dear Kat,

  If you’re reading this, it means I won’t be coming home. I’m sorry for that. I know I made a lot of promises to you, and I meant every word. I love you. I always have.

  Kat, you inspired me to be a better man. Did you know that? You inspire everyone around you just by being who you are. That’s how I knew you’d be good at the principal job you applied for. You’re one of those people who can change the world just by smiling. You changed my world, that’s for sure.

  If I don’t come home, it’s not because I didn’t want to, or that I didn’t try my damnedest. I would’ve moved heaven and earth to get back to you. But sometimes things don’t work out the way we want them to. I’m sure they turn out the way they’re supposed to, though. Keep being who you are, Kat, because that’s who I fell in love with. And if I don’t come home, that’s who some other lucky guy will one day fall in love with, too. Don’t be afraid to love again. Remember, there is never loss with love, only gain.

  Until we meet again. I love you.

  John

  Her cheeks were wet. Shakily, she slid a hand down each cheek, smearing her tears. These were John’s final words to her, and damn him if he didn’t just tell her in no uncertain terms to get up off her ass and fight for love.

  There is no loss, only gain.

  John was right. She would choose him again if given the chance, knowing exactly how things had ended. And she’d choose Micah right now, not knowing.

  “Crap.” She sprung up off the bed and pulled on the jeans that were draped over a chair in her room. Hearing the beating of the rain on the roof, she also grabbed her hooded raincoat and slid her feet into a pair of rubber boots.