Master of My Mind BN

by Jenna Jacob

  “Are you hungry?” Tony asked, lagging in the doorway.

  Food was out of the question, especially now. My stomach pitched in dishonor and longing. “No,” I replied quickly as I raised my head to meet his stare.

  His gaze, like hot fingers, scraped over my flesh sending a shiver to ripple through me. Looking as if he’d just climbed out of the shower with his wet, disheveled hair I couldn’t keep from gazing at his captivating body… or picturing him naked. The man was incredible eye candy, but his ruthless Dominant appetite scared the beejeebies out of me.

  My stomach growled at the mention of food, calling me out as a liar.

  One dark brow arched as he leveled a skeptic look. “When was the last time you ate, Leagh?”

  “Um…I don’t know. The thought of food makes me…” I wrinkled my nose and placed a palm on my still swirling stomach.

  His expression softened, and he stepped closer. The heat of his body crawled over me like a seductive blanket. Reaching up, his broad finger brushed over my cheek as he tucked a strand of wet hair behind my ear. My mouth went dry, and my heart hammered against my ribs.

  “You’ve been through a lot, angel, but you have to take care of yourself. You can’t go without eating, or sleeping, or doing the things you need to in order to stay healthy.”

  I closed my eyes as Tony’s finger lingered on my flesh. Memories of George’s gentle hands rolled through me on a bittersweet wave. And for a few glorious seconds, I was no longer breathing in the scent of a sadist; who viewed me as an inadequate submissive but basking beneath the tender touch of my Master back at the house on the shore of Lake Michigan. But when I opened my eyes, Tony speared me with his usual critical gaze, crushing the short reprieve from reality.

  It was no secret that he, and others at Genesis, viewed me as a tumultuous brat. I tried to turn a blind eye to the looks of disapproval Tony flashed my way. But his annoyance always seemed to roll off him in waves and singe my skin; making it impossible to ignore. I never sought Tony’s approval. The only person I needed to please was George. If he was happy with my submission Tony and the rest of the members could kiss off.

  But George was gone. And as Tony leaned closer, the warmth of his fingers upon my cheek, coupled with his damp breath wafting over my lips, perversely turned me on. Something was horribly wrong with me. I had to be certifiably insane.

  The sexual ache growing inside me confused the hell out of me. In order to keep my sanity, I reminded myself that Tony’s lifestyle tastes required a specific type of sub. I wasn’t even in the same ballpark with his passions. I was bunny floggers, clothespins, and bondage—the soft stuff. He was whips, quirts, and blood—a pure sadist. We were on opposite ends of the BDSM spectrum making my sexual attraction to him even more perplexing, not to mention, ridiculous.

  “Did you hear me?” he asked in a whiskey smooth voice.

  Holding me in a prickly, piercing gaze, he feathered his finger down my cheek before settling it beneath my chin. His subtle claim of control lit me up like a firecracker.

  “Yes, Sir. Take care of myself. I will.” I cast my eyes to the floor to escape his intent stare.

  The room felt like a sauna, the air thick and electrified. My nipples pebbled and slick juices oozed between my folds.

  Why was my body responding so fervently to him? I hadn’t had an orgasm in days but surely I could go a few weeks without my hormones going all squirrely on me… except obviously not.

  George had seen to my needs, almost daily, whether he achieved completion or not. I brutally missed him—not only sexually—and longed to feel protected one last time. My throat constricted with emotion, and a fat tear rolled down my cheek.

  “Awww, Leagh,” Tony groaned. Stepping forward he pulled me against his rugged chest.

  The wet heat pouring off his frame, coupled with his potent, manly fragrance, vanished all rational thought from my brain. I pawed at his suit, nuzzled his neck and writhed against his steely body like a cat in heat. Pressing my mouth against his throat, I felt his pulse hammer beneath my lips. Inhaling deeply, I filled my lungs with his intoxicating scent.

  As if possessed by a brazen nymphomaniac, I peeled his jacket over his rugged shoulders. As it fell to the floor, even more inviting heat spilled from beneath his damp cotton dress shirt. Desperate to feel his flesh, I loosened his tie before fumbling with the buttons at his collar. My fingers tangled in the fabric, revealing a tempting glimpse of his tawny flesh. I clung to him breathless and impatient.

  “Jesus, Leagh.” he choked out gruffly. “What the hell are you doing, sweetheart?”

  “Make love to me, Tony. Please,” I implored. Pulling apart the gap in his shirt, I grazed my tongue over his sculpted chest. “I’m so dead inside. Please. Make me feel alive, one more time.”

  “Leagh,” he growled, low and hungry, as he pried me off him.

  Staring down at me, Tony’s eyes bore the all-familiar look of disdain. I shrunk beneath the crushing weight of my embarrassment. George. My wonderful Master hadn’t even been in the cold, hard earth an hour and already I was begging another man to fuck me. Guilt slammed in from all directions, obliterating my insane lust.

  “Just leave, please,” I begged, choking on tears of humiliation.

  Tony cupped my chin and tilted my head, forcing me to reveal my shame. “No. You need to know the truth, angel. I’ve waited for what seems like a lifetime to hold you…to touch you. If you need me to make you feel alive, then that’s what I intend to do.”

  I felt my eyes grow wide. “You’ve wanted me? I don’t understand what you’re talking—”

  He pressed a gentle finger to my lips. “Shhh. Not another word. Relax. Let me help you through this.”

  Tony yanked his tie free, tossing it onto his jacket as he held me with a hypnotic stare. My breath hitched in my lungs, and an icy wave of panic filled my veins. Animalistic passion reflected in his dark, hooded eyes, and when he peeled away his dampened shirt, I couldn’t keep my gaze from sliding over his chiseled body. I studied every inch of him, as if he were a work of art. Longing to reach out and rake my nails through the dark patch of hair between his flat, brown nipples, I could only manage to lick my lips at the tapering trail of dark hair that disappeared beneath the waistband of his tented trousers. His erection strained against the zipper, and I swallowed tightly as the air in the room grew even thicker, stinging my lungs.

  “I’ve dreamed about you, Leagh. You’ve been the center of my fantasies since the first night I saw you. I can’t get you out of my head. Everything about you drives me wild.”

  I froze. A million questions sat poised on the tip of my tongue, yet I couldn’t string a single word together. It was if I’d shuttled from one disintegrating universe into another.

  Without a word, Tony devoured me in a silent, predatory stare. Unable to stop myself, I reached up and trailed my fingers over each ridge and plane of his defined shoulders. My fingers tingled as I absorbed the heat of his hard flesh. Leaning in, I nuzzled my nose and lips over the dark, coarse hair on his chest as he slid his hand into my mane and gently massaged my scalp. His hot breath slid over the shell of my ear, rendering me speechless as I trembled beneath his touch.

  Taking a step back, he gazed into my eyes and began unbuttoning my blouse. Steady and sure, his strong, dominant touch helped still the chaos in my brain. Closing my eyes, I gave in to the comfort he offered and savored the brush of his fingers over my skin as he slowly stripped me bare

  “Look at me, Leagh,” he ordered in a raspy command.

  My lids fluttered open. His predatory gaze was imposing…stripping my body and my soul. It was too much. Too possessive. Too overwhelming and I dropped my gaze.

  “Don’t touch me with your eyes,” I whispered.

  Tony sidled in closer, his breath skimmed over my neck. “What do you want me to touch you with, angel?”

  Everything. Desperate to feel—something—anything except the ground crumbling beneath my feet, I sucked in a
ragged breath. “Your hands. Just your hands. Nothing else.”

  “But my lips will get jealous,” he replied in a provocative drawl.

  I gasped as Tony eased back, trailing his fingertips from my collar bone, down both arms. His decadent beauty made my heart flutter and my libido rage. He was stealing pieces of my broken heart and I did nothing to stop him. I didn’t want to. His compassion brought something more than grief to stir inside me; it brought a flicker of life. Whether it was right or wrong, I ached for more—if only for a little while.

  Leaning in, he lowered his mouth. My lips parted, welcoming, needing, wanting. The brush of his kiss was gentle, but the feel of his hot flesh sent a jolt straight to my core. Yielding beneath him, I reached up and skimmed my fingers over the stubble darkening his jaw.

  Tony swallowed my tiny whimper; then his kiss turned urgent. Blistering me with demand, a deep groan rumbled low in his chest. His hands roved over my naked flesh as our tongues tangled in a torrid dance. The air grew thick in anticipation, and when his palms grazed over my rigid nipples, I moaned. The walls of my weeping pussy fluttered hungrily.

  Tony gripped the cheeks of my ass and pulled me tight against his generous erection. His cock jerked against my belly as heat penetrated through his trousers.

  Trying to compartmentalize my madness, I pretended it was George’s desperate kiss stealing my breath, his hot body controlling my weakness. But he’d never kissed me like this. I couldn’t hold onto the elusive fantasy, and the cold hard truth slammed through me like a blast of arctic wind.

  Tearing from Tony’s lips, I issued a mournful wail. Tears filled my eyes and spilled down my cheeks as I backed away. Shame, guilt, and embarrassment collided with remorse. Its ugly bite was vicious.

  “I’m a… I… I’m a terrible person. God, how can I do something like this to George?” I sobbed. Wrapping my arms around myself, I curled my shoulders in, trying to hide my shame.

  “You’re not a terrible person, Leagh,” Tony whispered as he cupped my chin, forcing me to meet his gaze. “You’re human. You’re not betraying George, your relationship with him, or his memory. Don’t start beating yourself up for what you’re feeling. It’s a defense mechanism. It’s very common. When people lose a loved one, they sometimes feel an overwhelming need for physical contact. It’s perfectly normal. Your psyche is seeking validation that you’re still alive...still breathing. Physical contact with another person is your subconscious confirming that you’re still here. Trust me, angel. Everything you’re feeling is normal.”

  “There is nothing normal about this,” I hissed. Taking another step back, I glared at him. . “I just left the gravesite of my Master… my best friend. I’ve dishonored everything about him… about us. It isn’t right being here…naked, and kissing a man that hates me. Oh god, Tony, please. Just leave.”

  “Hate you?” he blinked. A stunned expression lined his face. “What the hell? I don’t hate you, Leagh. I just told you I’ve struggled with the fact that I’ve wanted you for years. What in the world have I ever done to make you think I hate you?”

  “Maybe hate is too strong a word. You always look at me like I’m a piece of dog shit stuck to your shoe. You call me brat every chance you get. I know you think I’m worthless as a submissive. I may not be a rocket scientist or college educated, like you and George, but I know when someone is looking down their nose at me. I’m not stupid.”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?” Tony asked incredulously. “I’ve never looked down on you, Leagh. You are a brat, but in a spunky, fun way. You top from the bottom constantly, but you don’t do it maliciously, and you’re certainly not a damn drama queen like some of the other subs. Who the hell do you think I am to judge you anyway? I’m not Dom of the Universe, nor do I want to be.” His expression softened as he stepped closer. “Sweetheart, I never meant to offend you. I’m sorry; I was only teasing. I thought you knew that. I’d never purposefully hurt your feelings.”

  “You didn’t,” I lied.

  “Yes, I did,” Tony corrected with a frown. “Listen. You’re feisty and unpredictable, and you don’t conform to traditional submissive ways. But guess what? That’s exactly how George wanted and needed you. He thrived as your Dominant. The day he found you, he turned into a whole new man. You brought joy to his life. You may not have been his soul-mate, but he cared deeply about you.”

  His words cut like a knife. I knew from the beginning George was a protector. It didn’t matter to me that the fireworks were missing in our relationship. I’d wanted stability, safety, compassion. He’d given me all that and more… and I’d loved him for it.

  “I cared about him, too,” I sobbed. “That’s why it’s so wrong for me to be with you, like this.”

  “I’ve already explained that to you, sweetheart. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Feelings aren’t right or wrong; they’re just feelings.”

  “No. What I’m feeling is wrong. Way wrong,” I choked.

  Suddenly Tony’s expression took on that familiar icy edge. His eyes narrowed, and a ripple of fear mixed arousal swept down my spine.

  “What did I do now?” I cried in exasperation.

  A depreciating smile tugged on one side of his mouth. His condescending expression vanished. “You didn’t do anything. It’s me.”

  “I don’t understand. That look you just had on your face, it’s the same angry look you give me at the club.”

  “That’s why you thought I hated you?” He shook his head. “No, Leagh. I don’t hate you. I never have. I spent every night watching you, despising myself for wanting what I couldn’t have. You’ve always turned me inside out, angel. I was angry with me, because I ached for you so goddamn bad.”

  I swallowed tightly. No matter how I tried to deny it, I’d always been keenly aware of Tony. He drew me to him like a magnet… calling to me in some strange primitive way. But instead of analyzing the prickly sensation his gaze induced, I had simply convinced myself he was disgusted by my lack of submission.

  The puzzle pieces quickly fell into place. I never understood why I had to look away when he scened with Destiny, Naughty, Silver-Sin, or other pain sluts. Watching him smooth his hand over the sub’s skin or sink his teeth into her flesh, I wondered what it would feel like to be so completely claimed.

  Even though Tony’s need for pain scared me, his dominance was so commanding, I secretly dreamed of sampling a taste. George would have been crushed if he’d ever suspected I harbored such ridiculous fantasies, especially at the hands of another man. One of George’s biggest fears was that I’d someday ache for the affection of someone younger. He never outright confessed it, but he hinted from time to time. Likewise, George worried about our age difference, but I always reassured him that I was happy and content having him as my Master and lover.

  Suddenly, it made sense in a bizarre and fucked up way. I’d been secretly attracted to Tony the whole time I was with George. I tensed, fearing that I’d never really loved him as much as I claimed. Don’t be an idiot. Of course you loved George. You lusted after Tony just like every other sub at the club. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. Your heart always belonged to George.

  “Oh. I didn’t know that you…,” I murmured.

  “No. Evidently not.” He leaned in close to my ear. “What if I told you that I dream about slamming you up against the wall and driving my cock into your sweet, soft body until my legs turn to rubber?”

  My heart hammered against my ribs. His words ignited a scorching visual that excited and scared me half to death. I bristled, pulling back in confusion and tried to extinguish the flames licking my core.

  “Why are you telling me all this now? Why didn’t you ever—”

  “Say something to you? I couldn’t.” A melancholy smile curled over his sensual mouth. “You belonged to another. I abide by the code of conduct. I might be a sadist, but I’m an ethical one.”

  My throat was dry. My body trembled. His words turned me inside out. “I’m
flattered, but this… it’s pointless. You already know I don’t do pain. And I’m not mentally equipped for anything right now, much less this conversation. So if you’ll just leave, I’ll get cleaned up.”

  Tony tensed, straightened and issued a sharp nod. Stepping around me, he leaned in and turned on the shower, taking his time to adjust the water temperature.

  I stared at his muscles as they bunched and flexed, wondering if I possessed the power to resist the temptation of his words, his body, or the gnawing need to feel whole again. I closed my eyes and sucked in a ragged breath, welcoming the chilling grief of losing George to fill me once again. It was daunting and painful but so much safer than craving something I had no business wanting…Tony.

  Jerking my eyes open as his fingertips skimmed along my shoulder, he smiled and extended his hand. My fingers entwined with his, and once again, my emotions unfurled like a flag in a hurricane. For one brief moment, I ignored the pendulum of doubt swinging inside me and took refuge in his rugged arms.

  “Whatever you need, Leagh, tell me. I’ll give it to you.”

  Sadly, the one thing I needed, Tony could never give me; George. “If only it were that simple. There’s nothing you can do for me, Tony. What I need, no one can give.”

  “What is it you need, Leagh? I’ll find a way to make it happen.”

  “George alive, to keep me safe.”

  “Awww, sweetheart. I can’t replace George, but you’ll always be safe with me,” Tony murmured against my ear. “Come on. Let’s get you in the shower. You’re shivering again.”

  Tony meant well, but he didn’t know a thing about my past or how to protect me…let alone who I needed protection from. That was a whole other nightmare I had no desire to revisit.

  Steam billowed over the glass enclosure, like a fog machine.