Master of My Mind BN

by Jenna Jacob

  Slumber evaded and eventually my keening cries subsided. A strange noise emanating from the bookcase, against the wall near the door, captured my attention. I felt my brows frown as I strained, listening to the soft buzz.

  My guts seized. So swamped with grief, I’d failed to remember the hidden cameras and microphones fitted in the private rooms. I was being observed. Since no one else was in the club except for Tony and me, I knew he’d watched me fall apart.

  Anger spiked as I envisioned him in Mika’s office, leaning forward in the soft leather chair, staring into the monitor with a notepad and pen in hand, frantically scribbling down every word of my insane pleas to George. Tony had overstepped his authority as Dungeon Monitor. He had no reason to eavesdrop on me. I hadn’t been engaging in a scene that required scrutiny for safety’s sake. As if it were his right to spy on me, Tony had taken it upon himself to dissect my grief. Prying son of a bitch.

  As the soft sound of angry bees emanated from the shelves, I bolted out of bed and raced to the bookcase. Peering into the camera lens, I narrowed my eyes.

  “You’re an asshole, Tony!” I spat before raising my middle finger to flip him off. “Leave me the fuck alone. You don’t have permission to slice open my psyche, you got it? Go to hell!”

  I slammed a book over the lens, blocking his view, and stomped to bathroom. Splashing cold water on my face, I cursed Tony. When Mika arrived at the club later, he was going to get an earful. I had every intention of demanding that he strip the surveillance equipment from George’s room.

  Fueled by my fury, I angrily wiped a towel over my face before storming back toward the room. With a mighty crash, the door burst open. Spinning toward the commotion, I yelped and impulsively tried to cover my naked body with my hands.

  Tony’s broad frame filled the portal. Anger seared his dark, narrow eyes, and his nostrils flared like a charging bull. His brawny chest heaved up and down in labored breaths. His fist clenched. The veins in his neck bulged, and damn, if he didn’t look like sin on a stick. For one miniscule second I ached to melt on the ground at his feet.

  Sanity slammed me back to reality, warning me to tread carefully with the pissed off sadist. Yet, in the back of my mind, I knew Tony would never truly hurt me.

  Unfortunately, the smart ass within took control of my mouth.

  “Did you enjoy the show?” I asked with a flippant jerk of my head toward the camera. “I would have thought by now you’d had your fill of watching me bawl and blubber like a baby. Tell me, Tony, were you taking professional notes? Or do you have some kinky crying fetish?”

  A wicked grin slashed his lips, and his eyes danced in fiendish delight. His cold, calculating demeanor should have caused a wimpy sub, like me, to run from the room screaming in panic. But I was too pissed for self-preservation.

  Without a word, he stepped inside and closed the door. With a quiet snick, he engaged the lock.

  “What do you think you’re doing in here? Get out!” I demanded.

  He didn’t say a word as he stalked closer. His methodical movements revealed his intent, and like a runaway freight train slamming into me, I knew I’d crossed the line. Crossed it? Hell, I’d obliterated it.

  Glancing past his broad shoulders, the distance to the door seemed the length of a couple of football fields. Tony would tackle me long before I reached it. My heart pounded against my ribs as he continued to prowl toward me… like a panther stalking its prey.

  Even as my body trembled, I raised my chin in defiance. No way was I going to show him the least bit of fear.

  Silently, Tony clasped my wrist and pulled me behind him as he stalked toward the bed. Plopping down on the edge of the mattress, he gazed up at me…assessing.

  “I asked what you’re doing in my room uninvited?” I demanded, mustering as much courage as I could.

  “You’re out of free passes, angel.” His smile was dangerous, his eyes stormy. If he was trying to intimidate me—give that man a prize!—it worked.

  “Why are you in such a…aahh,” I cried out in surprise as he yanked me over his knees before steeling a sturdy arm around my waist and anchoring me to his lap.

  “Get your hands off me! What in the hell do you think you’re doing?” I shrieked.

  Angry and frightened, I kicked and screamed as I tried to wriggle free.

  Without warning, Tony landed a fierce slap across my bare ass cheeks.

  “Oh, you did not just do that!” I growled indignantly. “Stop this shit. Right now! I am not one of your little pain sluts; you let me go!” I demanded as the fiery burn spread over my orbs. Crying out again as he leveled another sharp slap, I seethed with rage. “How dare you spank me like a child?”

  “Oh, I dare, sweetheart, because you’ve all but begged for it. And I have no qualms about setting your ass on fire each and every time you want to pull the brat card on me,” Tony chuckled. He spanked me again, unmercifully, emphasizing the gravity of my disrespect. “By the way, angel, your safeword is protocol.”

  I issued a howl as his hand smacked my flesh, over and over. I screamed and bucked with all my might against his ruthless hold. Tears spilled down my cheeks, and my ass felt as if a blow torch had been set to it. But it didn’t stop me from calling him every vulgar name I could think of.

  “All you have to do is say the word, angel,” Tony teased.

  “Fuck you!”

  “Hrmm. Nope. That’s not the safeword I gave you, sweetheart.” His condescending tone and taunting chuckle launched a more potent wave of anger within. “Did you forget your safeword?”

  “No, asshole, I didn’t forget!” I hissed as he brought his hand down with a sizzling whack. It would be a cold day in hell before I let Tony break me down.

  “Asshole? That’s not how you talk to a Dominant, angel.” He all but purred his reprimand.

  “You’re not a Dominant. You’re a goddamn sadist. Let me go or I’ll report you to Mika.”

  Tony snorted, sending me into a caustic rage. Leaning in, I opened my mouth wide and sunk my teeth into his jeans. Tony’s thunderous laugh vibrated over my entire body. He was having one hell of a good time at my expense.

  “I’ll stick a ball gag in your mouth if you try to bite me again, Leagh, and as for Mika? Well, he’d probably give me a pat on the back for spanking your ass. Trust me. You’ve more than earned it over the years.”

  And didn’t that make me feel like a total failure? Tony’s reminder that he and everyone else in the club thought my submission sub-standard was just one more crushing blow I didn’t want or need.

  “Let him spank me, because you don’t have my permission.” I screeched.

  “Just say the word and it all stops.”

  “I will not safeword out. Not to you, or anyone else, so let me go!”

  “Somehow I knew you were going to say that my stubborn little minx.” Tony snickered as he landed another brutal slap.

  Boiling with rage, I fought to get free, but he was too strong, too capable, too…everything. Dammit, he was going to win. I stopped struggling, hoping that Tony would end this embarrassing lesson and leave, but he didn’t.

  I slumped across his steely legs, resigned to endure his humiliation, as he continued to light my ass up. The heat sank deep into the tissue as it rolled up my spine and melted down my legs. The burn wasn’t unbearable; in fact, it felt calming, in a bizarre way. And as the sting began to fuse with my bones, my thoughts grew thick like honey. As if by magic, the scattered, broken chaos swirling in my head…stilled. All that remained was a pinpoint of light in the center of my brain, pulsing in time with the echo of slapping flesh upon flesh.

  Floating away to a quiet, peaceful place, I couldn’t equate the sensation to any past experience or emotion. I thought it strange that I wasn’t attempting to compartmentalize my response to what Tony was doing to me. Escaping my sorrow was such blessed relief, I simply let go and sailed away.

  Having lost all sense of time, when I finally forced my heavy eye lids ope
n, I found myself lying in bed surrounded by Tony’s warm body. He held me close against his soft cotton shirt, and I breathed in his familiar scent as he lazily drew his fingers through my hair. I felt small and boneless. My brain sloughed in a heavy fuzziness, but I could feel the icy hot blaze throbbing on my ass cheeks. And the memory of his spanking swamped me in shame.

  Even as I tensed, Tony continued threading his fingers through my mane. Gathering up my courage, I peeked up at him beneath my heavy lashes. He stared down at me as a placid smile curled on the corners of his mouth.

  “Welcome back, angel.” His voice poured over me, deep and smooth, like brandy.

  “What happened? What did you do to me?” My question came out a shy whisper. Still confused by the gossamer sensations swirling inside, I struggled to clear the fog enveloping my brain.

  “You took off on me for a bit.”

  “Took off? To where?” A slight slur clung to my words.

  “Subspace, angel. Haven’t you ever been there before?”

  I shook my head. Tony frowned and pressed a sweet kiss to my forehead.

  “How did you like it?”

  How did I like it? I wasn’t sure. A part of me felt off kilter…but in a good way. While another part of me felt relaxed, as if I’d taken a soothing vacation. The mud miring my brain made processing my thoughts much slower than normal. And while I was stone cold sober, I felt drunk off my butt.

  “I’m not sure. I don’t think I’ve landed yet,” I murmured, burrowing deeper against his chest, gazing up at him.

  Other subs had talked about subspace, but I’d always thought it was a bunch of B.S. Having finally experienced it, I understood now when they said it was mind-blowing.

  He stared into my eyes, looking pleased. I wasn’t sure if it was with me or himself. The longer he gazed at me, the more uncomfortable I became. Was there a proper ‘after sub-space’ etiquette I didn’t know about? What was I supposed to say, “Thank you, Sir; may I have another?” “Was it good for you?” The few un-mangled thoughts I could string together seemed superficial and utterly ridiculous to say aloud. Unsure what to do or say, I tried to pull away, but Tony held tight. Truth be told, cocooned in his strong arms, his masculine scent filling my senses, and surrounded in the decadent heat of his hard body felt…perfect.

  My lids slid shut. Keeping them open took more effort than I could manage. It was easy to imagine languishing in this splendor for days, weeks, hell, even months. But the longer I lay with him, the more defined reality became. The fog in my brain began to lift. Soon Tony would have to leave and make his appearance in the dungeon. His throng of pain sluts waited for the taste of agony Tony commanded from the end of his whip.

  I couldn’t afford naïve fantasies about him floating through my head. The slice of peace he’d given me wouldn’t last. And even though his arms felt heavenly, offering him an easy out was for the best. Forcing my eyes open, I inhaled a deep breath.

  “You don’t have to stay. I’m better now, besides I’m sure you have asses to beat and nipples to torture.”

  I felt his body shake with silent laughter. Though I had no reason to hope, I prayed he would stay a little longer. I’d yearned for the type of comfort he was providing for four long days. I didn’t want to give it up. As soon as the thought crossed my mind, guilt began slithering in. Was it so wrong for me to take what I needed from another man? Wrong for me to let a sadist launch me into subspace? That fact alone blew my mind. Me, bunny flogger-bondage girl accepted every whack of Tony’s righteous spanking and jettisoned off to oblivion. The sense of serenity he’d provided on my maiden voyage had been so surreal and calming. So much so, I wanted to go there again. My cravings were bewildering. What was wrong with me?

  Confused and muddled seemed to be a natural state for me over the past four days. Being with Tony exacerbated the discombobulated feelings within. The logical parts of me wanted to shoo him out of my room, but the selfish empty parts of me ached for him to stay.

  “I can hang out with you a little longer. Close your eyes, and get some rest. I’ll keep you safe.”

  “Safe from what?” I mumbled against his steely chest as my eyelids drifted shut.

  “Safe from sub-drop, sweetheart,” he whispered.

  “Mmm,” I purred. I’d seen subs break down after intense sessions. George had explained that sub-drop played havoc with emotions. I’d never experienced it, but I didn’t want to chance fate. Why had Tony given me such a spectacular gift, one that brought me such peace? I decided don’t ask-don’t tell might be safer. Sometimes ignorance was bliss.

  “Go on. Ride those endorphins a little longer, angel. It will do you some good.”

  As if Tony had been a hypnotist and snapped his fingers, sleep pulled me under. It was a hard, heavy slumber, free of my usual nightmares.

  When I woke, the room, the bed, and my arms were empty. The lack of Tony’s refuge was unsettling. Why was I missing the man? Obsessing over a sadist/shrink, who played games with my head wasn’t a merry-go-round ride I needed to take, yet I couldn’t seem to get off the damn thing. Why the attraction to Tony? How had he crawled inside my head so damn fast? I was supposed to be in mourning. If I’d truly loved George, I wouldn’t be thinking about any other man.

  Climbing out from beneath the warm sheets, I padded to the bathroom. Once done with my business, I washed my hands and stared at my reflection in the mirror.

  I’d never studied Psychology 101, but it didn’t take a genius to connect the dots. On some psychological level, I was substituting Tony for George. Instead of allowing the sadist to sail me off to subspace, I should have made an appointment with him on a professional level. Maybe he could prescribe a pill that would help me pull my head out of my ass.

  “You’re an idiot,” I chastised my reflection, turned and walked away.

  I didn’t want to analyze Tony’s easy invasion of my psyche or my attraction to him. I’d deal with that craptastic ball of confusion… later.

  Rummaging through my dresser, the only clothes I could find aside from skimpy fetish wear was a pair of black sweat pants and a pink T-shirt. My feet were still freezing, but I couldn’t find a pair of socks in any of my drawers. My fingers trembled and a pang of sorrow sliced when I gripped the nobs on George’s side of the dresser. I thought it ironic that only hours earlier I was hell bent on going back to the house we’d shared to confront his ghost. After the horrid day I’d had, the rawness kept me from pulling the damn drawer open. Just the thought of seeing his belongings sent my heart racing.

  The walls felt like they were closing in. A cold sweat broke out over my forehead and upper lip. I’d been such a fool to think I could surround myself in memories of George without them sending me into a tail spin. Consumed by a rush of panic, I turned and raced out of the room.

  Standing in the hallway, I bent at the waist, gasping for breath, as the sounds of painful pleasures echoed from the entrance of the dungeon. The scent of leather and sex hung heavy in the air. Rising upright, I glanced up and down the long corridor. There wasn’t another soul in sight. It was another brutal reminder that I was utterly alone.

  “Oh, George,” I whispered. “I want you back so badly.”

  Standing in the hall, there was no place to run and escape my broken heart. I couldn’t find the willpower to enter the dungeon. I would only fall apart again watching our friends engaging in their power exchanges. The toll Master’s memories took in our room paled in comparison to the thought of watching happy BDSM couples fulfilling their desires. Yes, it was much safer in my room. Spinning back around, I grabbed the knob as a wave of regret poured through me. It was locked, and I didn’t have a key.

  I closed my eyes and swore under my breath. Mistress Sammie was the keeper of the private room keys. She was no doubt dominating the bar, serving drinks and smiles to the members. While she wouldn’t hesitate to give me an extra key to our room, I had to enter the dungeon to get the damn thing.

  “Suck it up, buttercup.
They’re not going to stone you to death,” I murmured as I forced myself to step toward the dungeon. “No, just smother you in pity.”

  I wrinkled my nose and hurried toward the archway. Tucking myself behind the slight recess of the wall, I peered into the dungeon. The place was in full swing. Nearly every station was in use, and most of the tables were filled with members watching and quietly talking. I was relieved that no one seemed to notice me peeking out from behind my hiding place. And like a masochistic voyeur, I scanned the stations, watching the scenes. Wrapping my arms around my middle, I tried to hold in the ache as I wistfully watched my friends.

  Dylan and Nick brushed the tails of thick floggers across Savannah’s shoulders, back, and butt. Her arms cuffed to a cross high above her head. The two Dom’s were focused on their sub, conveying with words and touches how precious she was to each of them. God how I envied her. Savannah was the center of their worlds, and Dylan and Nick made sure she knew it.

  George had made it clear to me, too, but in different ways. He wasn’t as generous with public displays of affection, but he spoiled me with trinkets and clothes and trips. When I would reach down and hold his hand, he would give it a little squeeze pull away and drape his arm over my shoulder in a less romantic attachment. I suspected he was trying to save me the embarrassment of condescending or judgmental stares. While I didn’t give a rat’s ass what others thought, I always had the impression that he did. George made sure I had everything tangible that I longed for, but the one thing I ached for the most was his outward sign of our bond.

  I watched as Dylan and Nick each lowered their floggers and approached Savannah. In unison, they caressed her reddened flesh with their hands as they reassured and praised her with kisses and whispers only she could hear.

  I had to look away.

  A bittersweet smile tugged my lips when I spied Trevor, bound in ropes, lying supine on a padded table. Drake’s busy hands toyed with his sub’s cock. Bright red rope had been tied tight around each of Trevor’s bluish testicles, bisecting them. And as Drake stroked Trevor’s long, turgid shaft, the big Dom warned him not to come. Trevor sent him a mournful plea before Drake landed his fingers in a brutal slap over Trevor’s strangled scrotum. The younger man’s cries of pain echoed through the room, and I cringed just a little.