Master of My Mind BN

by Jenna Jacob

  I blinked once and tried to relax, but my mind wouldn’t stop spooling through the fog that wouldn’t seem to clear.

  “It was a hit and run. Some of the witnesses got the license number of the car, but it came back stolen. The cops are anxious to talk to you, but so far they haven’t found the person who hit you. You’ve got a couple cracked ribs. One of them punctured your lung. That’s why they have you on the ventilator. I’m sure it’ll be coming out soon, now that you’re awake. It won’t be long until you can ask all the questions racing through that gorgeous head of yours.”

  I blinked once and squeezed his hand. Glancing down, I began to take inventory of my injuries. My left arm was encased in a thick white cast from below my elbow to my hand. Only the tips of my fingers were visible. I could see my toes peeking from beneath another cast covering my leg from my knee to my ankle.

  “It looks a lot worse than it actually is, angel. I’m sure if you could talk you’d argue with me,” Tony replied with a strained chuckle. “You have a fractured ankle and wrist, and your knee was dislocated, but they fixed that in the emergency room when you were brought in. Other than a ton of scrapes and bruises and the doctor wanting you to be sedated for the past few days, to let your lung heal, you’re a hell of a lucky woman.

  I could hear my heart pounding in my ears as Tony listed off the injuries I’d sustained. More worrisome than a few broken bones was the fact that I couldn’t remember a damn thing about the accident.

  “You also have a mild concussion. Things might be a little fuzzy, and you might experience some heightened anxiety, but resting your brain will help it heal.”

  Anxiety? Everything coming out of Tony’s mouth filled me with anxiety. Maybe the concussion kept me from remembering the accident? My head throbbed like a bitch when I tried to focus too keenly.

  “I’ve got to tell you, angel, I’ve been out of my mind sitting here watching you and worrying. I don’t know what I would have done if…” Tony exhaled a deep sigh. I could see he was struggling to maintain his composure. “When I first got here, they wouldn’t let me see you. I was climbing the goddamn walls. Reed faxed over some paperwork, listing me, Mika, and Drake as your next of kin. None of us knew how to contact your family.”

  No. No. You can’t ever contact them. I screamed inwardly. Gripping his hand tight, I squeezed my eyes closed twice.

  “Sweetheart, I’m not stupid.” Tony leaned low. “I know there’s a reason you carry a restraining order, I just don’t know who you’re hiding from. Trust me. We’d never do anything to put you in harm’s way. We’re here to keep you safe, I promise.”

  Hoping that the gratitude filling my heart might somehow be conveyed, I blinked once, very slowly.

  “You’re welcome, angel.” Tony smoothed a knuckle over my cheek. His dark expressive eyes were filled with compassion and something else. Something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. “Christ, it’s so good to see your beautiful eyes again. I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve waited for you to look up at me like you’re doing right now. And just as soon as that tube comes out, I’ll get to see smile for me again.”

  Tony bent low and nuzzled his nose against my cheek. I savored his familiar rugged scent. Drank in the heat of his body and basked beneath his gentle touch.

  Easing back his compassionate brows furrowed. “Are you in pain, sweetheart?”

  I blinked twice.

  Holding onto my good hand, Tony settled back down in the chair next to the bed. “Doctor Coleman, the orthopedic surgeon who’s been looking after you, has assured me that you should heal up just fine. You’re going to need some physical therapy, but don’t worry. You are going to be okay.”

  Again I blinked once, and even as Tony told me not to worry; fear blossomed in my stomach. I wanted to remember the accident, but my brain felt as if it were wrapped in gauze. “When you left Reed’s office, you got hit by a car.” Focusing on Reed as a starting point, flashes of images began to appear. Sloane. Hayden. Running down the fire exit as Reed called out my name. George. His Mistress. His lies. A low groan rumbled in my chest.

  “What is it, sweetheart? Where does it hurt?”

  My heart? While the dull throb of my body wasn’t pleasant, it paled in comparison to the agony in my soul. I blinked twice and gently shook my head. Staring up at Tony, tears clouded my vision before leaking out the corners of my eyes.

  “Things are coming back now, aren’t they?”

  I nodded.

  “I’m so sorry you had to learn about George like that that. Reed was on the sidewalk and saw it all happen. He called Mika right away and rode in the ambulance with you. Reed’s a mess, angel. He’s blaming himself for telling you about Paula…”

  I closed my eyes and turned my head the other way. I didn’t want to hear her name again. I didn’t want to know anything about her. I wanted her to stay an apparition. It would be easier for me to hate a ghost than an actual human being.

  “Listen to me, Leagh. Don’t jump to conclusions. You don’t know the whole story. There’s more to this than you think.”

  Jerking my head in his direction, pain erupted in my head like a sledge hammer. My eyes flew open, and I pinned Tony with a hateful glare. Jump to conclusions? The man I loved, and thought loved me, had another woman on the side. A woman he made love to, laughed with, and shared parts of himself that I thought were mine. I didn’t want to hear the whole story. The bits and pieces that had already been revealed to me were quite enough.

  “Let me explain it to you,” Tony sighed.

  Blinking twice, I shook my head and closed my eyes, shutting Tony out.

  “Okay, my little hardheaded minx, I’ll let it rest for now. But we will talk about it later.”

  I slowly shook my head. No, we won’t. I vowed. Keeping my eyes closed, I escaped back into the darkness.

  Even when the disturbing nightmares returned, they were far easier to cope with than my fucked up reality. In my dream, I heard the gunshot, smelled the bitter scent of copper pennies, and saw the blood on my hands. The sound of someone calling my name saved me from reliving the horrific events again. When I opened my eyes, a sandy haired man with twinkling blue eyes stood by my bed.

  “Hello, Leagh. It’s nice to finally meet you. My name is Dr. Coleman. I’ve been taking care of you for the past two days.

  Two days. It didn’t seem possible I’d lost two whole days. Looking around the room, a dark haired nurse stood at the foot of my bed, wearing reassuring smiles. On my left, Tony stood, gazing down at me. The stubble on his face was thicker than normal. He looked as if he hadn’t left my side. Tony hadn’t been taking care of himself, and I worried as I gazed at the even darker circles that resembled bruises around his tired eyes. But the level of comfort from just having him near made me realize that Tony was my beacon of calmness.

  He stepped up alongside the bed and cupped my cheek. “Everything is going to be okay, sweetheart.”

  I gave him a quick nod and that breath-taking smile of his spread across his lips.

  “You’ll be back on your feet in no time, Leagh. Both of them,” the doctor chuckled. “I think you’ll feel a lot better once we got this vent off you. We’ll let you suck on some ice chips and maybe say a few words. Does that sound like a good idea?”

  I nodded, anxious to get the damn tube out of my throat and feel human again.

  Dr. Coleman and the nurse hovered over me as Tony stepped away. Following the doctor’s instructions after he lowered the bed, I coughed as the tube scraped free of my esophagus. It hurt to swallow, but it was a blessed relief not having that nasty thing blocking my airway.

  “All done. Does that feel better?” Dr. Coleman asked with a smile.

  “Yes,” I nodded. My voice sounded brittle and raspy, but I didn’t care. I could finally talk.

  “I’ll be back later to check in on you,” the doctor announced with a reassuring smile.

  “Thank you,” I whispered, wincing as I swallowed again.

&n
bsp; “Don’t let her talk too much,” he said to Tony. “Ice chips will help her sore throat.”

  “I’ll take good care of her. Thank you,” he smiled, shaking he doctor’s hand.

  After they left the room, Tony turned his attention toward me. Doting on me like a mother hen, he spoon fed me crushed ice, shushing me each time I tried to talk. I couldn’t have asked for a better nurse, or a more infuriating one. I wanted to talk!

  The next day a steady stream of visitors started bringing flowers, and food, and smiles. Reed was the first to come see me, full of apologies and burdened with remorse. I did my best to assure him the accident wasn’t his fault. Worried he would start discussing Paula again, I was grateful he didn’t and neither did Tony. It was only a matter of time before the good doctor gathered up his scalpel and probe and started digging deep into my psyche, but Tony seemed content letting me gain back my strength and start physically healing. Besides, I wasn’t mentally ready to tackle the anger or pain I felt toward George.

  The day I got released from the hospital, the whole gang showed up to whisk me back to my little room at Genesis. Mika looked haggard and tried his best to be patient and understanding with Julianna’s snippy, miserable mood. I wanted to tell her she’d be back to her happy go lucky self soon and that I remembered how I’d once felt big as a house with legs. But that was from another lifetime none of them knew about. So I simply lent support to her as best I could with a bittersweet smile.

  Drake and Tony began to argue about which one of them was going to lift me from the bed into the wheelchair. Evidently the nurse filling out my paperwork had dealt with overbearing, testosterone-laced men before. With a heavy sigh, she shoved them out of the way before helping me out of bed. It was a good thing she’d had her back to the fuming Doms, because the caustic scowls that lined their faces frightened even me.

  Dylan, Nick, and Savannah had loaded up the numerous vases of flowers onto a push cart. Trevor held all the balloons. With my belongings stowed in a white plastic bag, we paraded out of the hospital. En mass, we loaded into the bevy of vehicles parked at the hospital entrance and headed home. Stretched out in the back of Mika’s Escalade, I leaned against Tony’s wide chest. Tilting my head, I smiled up at him.

  “Thank you for…everything.”

  “You don’t need to thank me, angel. I’m going to take good care of you.” He leaned down and pressed a kiss on the top of my head.

  By the second day home at Genesis, Tony had moved in with me. And over the weeks that passed not only did he manage to juggle work and fulfill his duties at the club, but he cooked my meals, gave me sponge baths – which were so awkward for me I sent him to the drug store to buy adult bath wipes. He washed my hair, dressed me, and taxied me to every doctor appointment. Tony even took me out to lunch a couple times a week. The man was a Saint. Even when I’d become grouchy and snarly for not being able to care for myself, he ignored my crabby moods, only threatening to spank me half a dozen times.

  I couldn't help but admire the man, not only for his compassion and constant care, the way Tony seemed to always put my needs above his own; but also for his strength. The man was a damn Boy Scout. He slept alongside me every night, and except for a chaste kiss on my cheek or forehead, he didn’t once touch me in a sexual way. The nightly ache for more was a frustration all its own.

  He coddled me to the point of madness, and every time I tried to reject his care, he’d caress my cheek, my arm, or my hand and remind me; “It’s a Dom’s job to care for a sub.” Tony had taken root in my heart. No matter how much I wanted to distance myself from the emotions he roused, I couldn’t stop itching to wrap myself around him and never let go.

  While my road to recovery was long and bumpy, Doctor Coleman seemed pleased with my progress. After being fitted with a shorter cast, I was given the green light to start putting weight on my ankle, but I still had to use a crutch. My mobility improved, but my anger and resentment that George had kept a secret Mistress remained a constant, stabbing sting. The letter Reed had given me, the day of the accident, had stayed inside my purse…unopened. Convincing myself that the note was filled with bullshit lies, I couldn’t find the wherewithal to read the damn thing. I wasn’t ready to forgive him.

  Several times Tony tried broaching the subject of both the restraining order and George and Paula, but every time, I cut him off, refusing to open the box of my stormy emotions. Tony never forced the issue. He’d simply suggest that I think of ways to come to terms with my resentment toward George. I knew Tony was right, because ignoring my unresolved anger kept making the elephant in the room grow larger and larger.

  I sat in bed watching him straighten his tie as he dressed for work. The man was captivating in his dark suits. I imagined his female patients had a hard time focusing on their issues as they stared into his piercing dark eyes and perused his scrumptious hard body. A sophomoric surge of jealousy swept through me.

  Tony stepped to the edge of the bed and cupped my chin in his palm, forcing my gaze to his. A flutter of excitement swirled in my stomach.

  “I have a pretty light schedule today, but if you need something before I get back, call Trevor or Savannah, okay?”

  “I’ll be fine. I’ve got books to read, and there’s always five hundred channels of nothing to watch on TV if I get desperate.” I smirked.

  “Maybe you should keep the television off, and the books closed today, and focus on forgiving George,” Tony replied, arching his brows.

  And there was that damn elephant, sitting right in the middle of my chest. I swallowed tightly and issued a slight nod. “Soon, when I’m ready.”

  “You can’t move forward, Leagh, if you allow yourself to be chained to the past.”

  “I know. I know,” I huffed.

  “Good. Now do something about it,” Tony instructed with a gentle smile. Bending low, he placed a soft kiss on my forehead. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

  “Have a good day, doc,” I called to him as he turned and opened the door.

  “You, too. We’ll talk when I get back.”

  As the door closed, a sense of dread settled over me. His parting shot left no doubt. Either I dissected my tumultuous emotions or Tony would. And dammit, I hated that he was right. If I didn’t put the past behind me, I’d stay stuck in this rut of anger and resentment. Truth be told, I’d grown weary of coping with the constant struggle of George’s betrayal. I just didn’t know how to sort it all out.

  It took several long hours before I finally worked up the courage to open my purse. Pinching his letter between my fingers, no melancholy smile tugged my lips as I stared at his sloppy writing. Indecision clawed deep. Turning the envelope over in my hands several times, I finally tore it open and pulled out the pages of George’s handwritten note. Inhaling a fortifying breath, I began to read.

  My beautiful, Leagh,

  If you’re reading this, then I am gone. I’m no longer your Master, and with a heavy heart, I release you, sweet girl. Be brave and strong, and hold your head high as you find another to nurture, care, and protect you. It won’t be hard. You’re an alluring woman, with a stunning exuberance for life. You brought light to my dark and empty world. I’m forever grateful for all the times we shared.

  I’m sorry I’m not with you now, to hold you close and reassure you. But trust and believe in yourself. You’re a resilient young woman. Don’t allow my death to set you back. The account I’ve set up will hopefully keep you in comfort for many years to come. Should you need for anything more, Reed will be there for you. I’ve asked him to intervene in the event that Matt should ever find you.

  I only ask one thing of you—don’t ever live in fear again, pet. Carry on with your life, and be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you, and I hope I succeeded in bringing you joy. Thank you for the special times we shared, and do not mourn me.

  If there is a heaven and a way to watch over you, I’ll be with you, pet…Always.

  Good-bye, sweet tiger cub.<
br />
  George.

  Tears streamed down my cheeks, and guilt weighed heavy in my heart. None of his words felt ingenuous. In fact, I could almost hear the warmth of his voice echoing in my ears. And for a brief moment, I remembered the soft touch of his caress.

  Yet something niggled in the back of my brain. Scanning his words over and again, I realized not once did his message contain the word ‘love.’ Nowhere in the note did he confess or confirm that he loved me. I felt my brows furrow as I wracked my brain trying to remember if he’d ever said ‘I love you’ out loud? I couldn’t pluck a single instance. Had I imagined—through his overwhelming kindness—that he loved me? Again, I shuffled through the special times we shared, but it seemed that no matter how many memories I conjured, there was not one single recollection of him ever saying the words. And while I vividly recalled the countless times I’d told him I loved him, not once did he return the sentiment.

  How could I have ignored something so blatantly obvious?

  Because you didn’t want to.

  A cold disconnect seeped through my bones, and an urgent need to find the answer to one very important question consumed me. Snatching up my cell phone, I placed a call to Reed. Fifteen minutes later, the phone trembled in my hand as I held it to my ear. Beads of sweat dotted my forehead, and my throat grew dry.

  “Hello,” the soft voice of an older woman resonated through the device. I swallowed down my angst.

  “Hello, Paula?”

  “Yes. Who is this?”

  “My name is Leagh Bennett. I believe we had a mutual friend, George Marston.”

  “Oh,” she gasped in startled surprise. “Y…yes, hello, Leagh.”

  “I’m sorry to intrude, but I need a moment of your time, please? It’s a question really… just one. Then I’ll never bother you again.”

  “Alright.” Paula sounded nervous. She wasn’t the only one.