Starship Bloopers

by John Kloepfer

  “Well, I’m obviously not in the mood for these drinks,” Kevin said, grabbing Klyk’s hologram device and hopping out of his seat. “I’m gonna go see if any of these alien dudes have seen Phirf and Drooq.”

  Klyk reached out his arm, and it thunked Kevin in the chest. “Just be careful,” he said. “Most of these characters aren’t the nicest guys in the galaxy.”

  “Relax and drink your fizzers,” Kevin said, brushing past him. “Let me handle this.”

  Kevin strolled through the crowd. A lot of the aliens were much taller than him, and so he only came up to their waists. He shuffled around four alien butts, tall, lanky, thin, and glowing faintly with some kind of life-force energy. They looked like aliens he had seen in the movies back on Earth.

  “Excuse me,” he said to them, cocking his neck back. “Have you seen these aliens?”

  The spindly beings shook their heads no, and Kevin moved on to the next ones.

  Three small alien mammalians stopped in front of Kevin, who was still holding up the 3-D hologram. They looked like tiny monkeys, pygmy marmosets to be exact, but walking on their hind legs and standing a little shorter than Kevin.

  “Have you seen these aliens?”

  One of the furry little pygmies belched and blew his stinky breath in Kevin’s face. The trio sauntered off without so much as a word to Kevin.

  “That was rude!” he said, backing away from the lingering stink of the alien burp.

  Kevin knocked into a table and spun around to apologize. The seats were empty, but the table still had drinks on it. Something moved behind one of the cups, and Kevin gasped as a disgusting little critter scampered across the tabletop. It had a round, fat body segmented into three sections. It had six legs and feet like suction cups, and its eyeballs extended from two feelers on the side of its head that probed the air in front of its face.

  Kevin stuck out his index finger and slowly went to pet the alien with his fingertip. It was almost cute-looking, until it opened its tiny little mouth to reveal three rows of sharp, jagged teeth, and then sunk those teeth into Kevin’s finger.

  “Yow!” Kevin howled and grabbed an empty glass off the table. The little alien critter backed up as Kevin brought the glass upside down over its head with a clunk.

  The slimy critter shrieked with unbelievable volume, almost shrill enough to break the glass around it. Kevin held the glass on top of it, but it could almost chew through the cup.

  Just then two humongous thugs stomped over to the table.

  They both looked at Kevin. Neither one of them looked happy. The first one had the body of an armless man, with a mutant octopus that sat on top of the armless man’s head, like a hat. The octo-man’s tentacles dangled around his shoulders. The other hooligan looked like Bigfoot on steroids, just a woolly mammoth of muscle and fur.

  “I’m sorry to bother you fellas. There was a really gross bug crawling on your table,” Kevin said and started to show them the picture of Phirf and Drooq.

  The alien duo towered over Kevin, each one over seven feet high. They grilled him with their fearsome eyes, looking down, saying nothing.

  “Really sorry,” Kevin said to their unblinking faces. “I’m just trying to find a couple friends of mine. . . .”

  He held up the hologram photo and the octo-man’s tentacle shot out, wrapping around Kevin’s neck. The slimy tentacle arm lifted Kevin off the floor. His feet dangled, and Klyk’s device clattered to the ground. The tentacle tightened.

  “Human, that really gross bug is our pet. . . .”

  Kevin was choking, losing air. He tried to call for help, but no sound came out. He felt his eyes popping out of their sockets. If this alien freak squeezed his neck any harder he thought his brain might explode, which would be bad news, well, because he’d grown rather attached to it.

  Out of the corner of his bulging eyeball, Kevin caught a glimpse of Klyk as he stepped into view. “Drop him!” Klyk ordered the two goons.

  The alien turned to Klyk and let out something that resembled a laugh. The musclebound Bigfoot chuckled as well. The octo-alien’s tentacle retracted, and Kevin fell to the floor.

  The alien hip-hop jazz band played on.

  Kevin gasped for air and looked up as both aliens charged at Klyk. The cyborg made a move to block them, but they picked him up and slammed him down on the table.

  A loud crash sounded and drinks flew off the tabletop, splattering fizzy liquid across the floor.

  Warner, TJ, and Tara ran over, pushing through the alien riffraff. Warner and TJ grabbed Kevin under his arms and pulled him to his feet. Tara turned to the two aliens, who were holding Klyk down on the table. She raised both arms at them and yelled, “Freeze!” Her hands were clutching the freeze ray, her finger on the trigger button.

  In a flash the octo-man lashed out a tentacle and snatched the freeze ray right out of her hands.

  “Hey! Give that back!”

  The Bigfoot-looking alien reeled around and grabbed Tara by the shirt collar. The hairy beast raised his arm and lifted her at least ten feet off the ground.

  “Put her down!”

  Kevin heard a reptilian voice call out.

  “And let him go!” Another reptilian voice shouted at the octo-man.

  Kevin also heard the electromagnetic sound of two ray guns charging up.

  “Whoa, man,” said TJ. “It’s the Kamilions!”

  Just yesterday, Kevin and his friends had saved the Kamilions from Zouric and Nuzz back on Earth. The Kamilions owed them and promised to protect them if they were ever in danger. They were good aliens to have on your side.

  Kevin smiled as the octo-man and Bigfoot let go of Klyk and Tara.

  “Get out of here,” one of the Kamilions said, training his laser ray on the alien hoodlums as they stepped back from the fight.

  “They really do have our backs!” Warner said.

  “Humans and Kamilions are friends and allies,” the Kamilion told them. “Our reptilian kind will never forget what you did for us on Earth.”

  “Yeah, get lost!” TJ shouted at the octo-man and his furry buddy with a bit too much energy. “And stay lost!”

  The Kamilions helped Klyk up, and the boys helped Tara to her feet.

  “Everybody all right?” the first Kamilion asked them.

  “Yeah, we’re good,” Tara said, brushing herself off.

  The second Kamilion turned to Klyk. “What are you doing here with these four? The Mooymallo isn’t a place for children.”

  “I know that,” Klyk said. “We’re looking for my friends. . . .”

  Kevin stepped forward and showed them the picture of Phirf and Drooq. The Kamilions studied the aliens in the 3-D photo.

  “Yeah, they were here about half an hour ago,” the first Kamilion told them.

  “Really?” Kevin sounded excited.

  “That’s right,” said the second Kamilion. “They were trying to hitch a ride with some Flumps to their home planet. Not a good idea if you ask me. Flumps can’t be trusted.”

  “Can you two help us?” Kevin asked.

  “We would, but we’re scheduled to take off in a few minutes,” the other Kamilion said. “Sorry.”

  “Did they say where they were going?” Klyk asked.

  “I overheard them saying they were headed to the Dunes,” said the first Kamilion.

  “Klyk, do you know where that is?”

  “Yeah, but why are they going all the way over there?” he asked, sounding worried.

  The Kamilions both shrugged. “Like we said, the Flumps are usually up to no good. But if you do run into them, don’t let them spit at you. Their spit is like poison. It’ll burn your skin right off.”

  Klyk turned to the kids. “We gotta hurry. If they hitch a ride with the Flumps and leave the planet, we might not be able to find them before it’s too late.”

  A few miles away from the Mooymallo saloon, Kevin climbed to the top of a giant dune and dug his hands into the grimy soil. Black extraterrestrial dirt
was packed under his fingernails.

  At the top of the hill, Kevin looked down and noticed something wriggling in the black soil. He plucked at it, pulling up a red-and-purple-colored worm with a tiny little mouth and tiny little teeth. Klyk had warned them about these things on the way here. He called them dune worms, and he also said they could get pretty big.

  Kevin was on the lookout. He knew now the dune worms were the ones responsible for sucking Phirf and Drooq into the ground in the crystal vision, and Kevin didn’t want to get sucked down himself.

  Far below, the Flumps’ space shuttle hovered just above the ground. Phirf and Drooq knelt in the dirt, the Flumps surrounding them. They had both been disarmed, with their weapons lying at the feet of their alien captors. There seemed to be about three or four ray guns, a high-tech sword, and some kind of long battle-ax in the pile. The Flumps had stolen everything.

  The Flumps looked disgusting. They were by far the ugliest type of alien Kevin had ever seen. They had furry white manes and beards, with long, dangly mustaches that draped down on either side of their long, sharp fangs. Each had four eyeballs attached to antennae on top of their heads. They had three separate snouts drooping out of the middle of their faces, like an elephant would if it had three trunks.

  The Flumps also had only one leg, which they used to hop and bounce around. On its own, a Flump leg looked like a rhinoceros’s hoof.

  Kevin didn’t like the look of them. Not one bit.

  Klyk was positioned on the other side of the dirt hill, about a hundred yards off. Behind the crest of a dune to Kevin’s left, Tara and TJ were getting ready to ambush the Flumps and help Phirf and Drooq escape.

  The plan was to wait for Klyk’s first move. In a matter of seconds, he would shoot off a few warning shots. When the Flumps fired back at Klyk’s dune, Kevin, Tara, and TJ would attack from behind. Warner finally got his chance to pilot their spacecraft, which he was extremely excited about. He was ready to swoop down once they had rescued Phirf and Drooq.

  Kevin was armed with a freeze ray, and Tara had one as well. TJ was manning the shrink ray.

  PYOO! PYOO!

  Klyk fired the opening shots, and the one-legged Flumps spun around on their hooves. Their elephantine trunks rose up like trumpets. They all aimed at Klyk’s dune.

  Kevin looked to his left and saw Tara charging down the hill. She was very quick in the low gravity, covering over twenty or even thirty feet with each running step.

  The Flumps fired a bunch of slimy balls from their trunks up into the air. Klyk disappeared on the other side of the dune. The snot rockets arced up and landed in the middle of the dirt hill, slicing through it. The dune collapsed in on itself, and an avalanche of soil sank down about a hundred feet.

  TJ remained at the top of the hill, lining up the Flumps’ spacecraft in the sight of the shrink ray.

  Kevin ran down the dune, too, leaping into the air and charging at the backs of the Flumps.

  TJ hit the target on the screen and the shrink ray flashed, sending a ray beam toward the Flumps’ ship.

  Zap!

  The large space vessel appeared to vanish as it shrunk down to the size of some plastic toy.

  At the top of his dune, TJ pumped his fist and made a whooping sound as Kevin raced to get a closer angle to take down the Flumps. He leaped into the air, his freeze ray ready to shoot.

  The Flumps hopped around to face Kevin and fired their acidic saliva straight at him. Kevin fired at the blobs of alien slobber. The freeze ray stopped the disgusting blitz. The mucus-y missiles hardened in midair and dropped to the ground with a thump.

  Kevin landed and somersaulted over the rest of the Flumps’ lethal spitballs.

  Flump-flump-flump-flump-flump!

  The Flumps kept attacking with their poisoned wads of spittle. It was raining alien saliva, each ball about the size and volume of a bowlful of macaroni and cheese.

  ZAP! ZAP!

  Tara fired two shots from her freeze ray, and two of the aliens stiffened in place and toppled onto their sides like tipped-over statues.

  The gang of Flumps spread out, hopping and bounding on their single-legged bodies, hawking loogies in rapid succession.

  Tara jumped up to dodge the Flumps’ attack, and a glob of spittle struck the shrunken spaceship behind her. The miniaturized spacecraft sizzled and started to bubble and melt.

  Kevin dove to his right and rolled in the dirt, dodging another blast. He shot his freeze ray and tagged a Flump right on its kneecap, freezing the one-legged beast before it could blow another snot rocket his way.

  “Watch out!” someone yelled behind him.

  Kevin spun around and saw that a steaming-hot spatter of Flump juice was coming right at him.

  OOPH!

  Kevin tumbled as someone tackled him from the side.

  “Ahhhhhh!”

  Kevin groaned as he rolled under the weight of his giant rescuer. He picked up his head and found himself staring directly into Drooq’s grotesque slug face.

  “You!” The mouth on top of Drooq’s head moved as he spoke. “You’re the one that got us into this mess in the first place!”

  “Sorry about that.” Kevin shrugged sheepishly. “We’re with Klyk now. We’re here to rescue you!”

  “You rescue me?” Drooq scoffed. “Ha!”

  A batch of alien spittle flew through the air behind Drooq’s head, and Kevin’s reflexes took over. He fired the freeze ray again and the snot rocket fell to the ground.

  “Nice shot!” Drooq said in a deep, rough voice, like he was trying to gargle mouthwash and talk at the same time.

  Kevin and Drooq scrambled to their feet and headed toward their getaway ship.

  Dirt flew off the hilltop as their spaceship cruised over the dune. Kevin watched TJ jump into the air, grab onto the edge of the hatch, and climb aboard the craft.

  “Come on!” Kevin yelled to Drooq, and they both bolted toward the dune.

  The Flumps bounded after them. For one-legged aliens, they were surprisingly fast.

  Kevin looked to his right and saw Klyk, Tara, and Phirf in full sprint, heading for their spaceship, too. The three of them blasted away with their weapons, shooting at the Flumps, who threw their sticky spitballs in response.

  The spaceship swooped over the dune’s peak and stopped above them. There was no time to land. The Flumps were too close.

  “Get in!” TJ yelled, his head peeking down from up above.

  Phirf hopped up with ease. His robot legs propelled him in the air and he was in. Drooq jumped up next, followed by Klyk, who leaned down and reached his strong arm down to help Kevin and Tara.

  Kevin looked at her, while tagging one of the Flumps with a blast from the freeze ray. Tara jumped up next and clasped onto Klyk’s outstretched arm.

  Kevin tried to hurdle skyward. He soared up toward the spaceship but was jerked backward.

  Something had him by the ankle.

  He looked down and saw a dune worm stretching up out of the soil. It was wrapped around his leg, pulling him down.

  “Kevin!” Tara screamed his name, reaching out her hand.

  The Flumps were coming, snorting their snot ammo at him. Kevin didn’t know what to do. He had to think quickly. He couldn’t freeze the thing, or he’d risk being frozen himself. The incoming spit-slime streaked through the air, ready to burn him to death. Kevin felt his problem-solving skills kick in and all he could do was react.

  He bent his knees and jumped up as high as he could.

  He soared up and the alien earthworm stretched out. He leveled off just above the snot rockets and they seared through the worm’s flesh, freeing his ankle.

  The band of Flumps gathered underneath, ready to end him if he fell. Kevin halted a little in the air and flailed his arms. He was almost at the open hatch, reaching for Klyk’s helping hand, but he was going to fall short.

  The spaceship made a sudden dip and lowered. Kevin was now only inches from Klyk, who stretched out his arm and grabbed K
evin in his mighty grip.

  “Gotcha!” Klyk yelled and pulled him into the ship.

  The Flumps tried to jump up, too, but couldn’t quite reach. They were just shy of Kevin’s feet.

  Warner hit the thrusters and the spaceship took off, leaving the nasty crew of alien sickos far behind and Kevin safely in the clutches of Klyk.

  Kevin sat on the floor of the Glommian spaceship while Warner steered them through the vast black infinity of space.

  “Get it off me!” Kevin yelled. “Get it off me!” He tugged at the alien worm that was still wrapped around his ankle. But the worm squeezed tighter the harder Kevin pulled. Even though it had been cut in half, it was alive and stronger than ever.

  Phirf looked down at him and said calmly, “Better get rid of that thing before you lose a foot.”

  Kevin looked at Klyk’s alien partner and raised two worried eyebrows.

  “Here you go,” said Drooq. “Let me help.” The alien pulled out a large knife and expertly sliced into the worm with the blade. The dune worm split in two and fell off Kevin’s leg onto the floor.

  Kevin breathed easy and watched as Drooq picked up the severed worm and popped it into his giant head-mouth. He chewed and chewed the tough wormy meat, and TJ’s stomach flipped in disgust.

  “I think I’m gonna be sick,” TJ said.

  “That was some pretty fancy flying,” Phirf said.

  Warner tipped an invisible hat. “Just doing what I do best.”

  Klyk towered over Warner, who was still sitting in the pilot’s seat. “Out . . .”

  “Even after that?” Warner said, throwing up his hands in disbelief.

  Klyk nodded and Warner gave over the controls. Klyk sat down and put the ship on autopilot. “What were you two doing?” he asked Phirf and Drooq. “Don’t you know better than to go hitching rides with a bunch of Flumps?”

  “We were trying to get back to you,” Drooq said. “We thought you were in trouble.”

  “We didn’t have any choice but to trust the Flumps,” Phirf said. “All communication is down in this part of the galaxy. Nobody seems to know why.”