Starship Bloopers

by John Kloepfer

  They were in a tight spot now. That was for sure, and there was no telling if they could get out of this alive. Not to mention, they still didn’t have a clue where Max was being held prisoner.

  As they marched along, TJ turned around to Kevin. His eyes were big and wide and worried. “What’s going to happen to us, man?” he whispered to Kevin.

  “I don’t know, buddy,” Kevin mumbled back. He tried to think of something to say to make his friend less scared, but Kevin was pretty frightened himself.

  The Sfinks escorted them through a doorway in the middle of the corridors.

  “In!” one of the Sfinks ordered. The room looked like a typical cell block in a prison, except there were magenta-colored lasers crisscrossing where the bars of the jail cells would have been.

  The other Sfink used a small black device that he wore around his neck to make the laser prison bars disappear for a moment. The four kids piled in one of the cells and watched as he scanned the device in front of the lock. The hot-pink laser bars appeared again. The laser wall gave off a high-voltage hum, which meant it would probably either burn or shock whoever tried to touch it.

  Kevin wasn’t about to find out for himself.

  Except for the laser prison bars, the jail cell was a blank white box with no windows. It didn’t have a bed or anywhere to sit except the floor. It didn’t even have a toilet. It was utterly inhumane, but it could also mean that they weren’t going to be staying here long.

  One of the Sfinks left the room while the other one stayed. Kevin watched as the six-armed alien stored their confiscated weapons in a locked compartment on the wall opposite their cell.

  “Hey, you big ugly thing! Let us out of here!” Tara yelled, but the Sfink just scowled at her and hissed before turning away.

  Kevin pinched his eyebrows together. He had to think. But how were they supposed to escape? They were trapped like rats.

  “Guys, come over here,” Warner whispered. “I gotta show you something.”

  “What is it?” TJ asked, as they all huddled around Warner.

  Warner had his hands cupped together as they gathered around.

  “All right, you guys have to promise not to get mad before I show it to you.”

  “Why do we have to do that?”

  “Just promise,” Warner insisted.

  “Okay, fine. We promise not to be mad!” Kevin and Tara jinxed each other.

  “Me, too,” TJ said excitedly. “Now show us whatcha got.”

  Warner opened his hands and revealed something wrapped in a black cloth. He opened the cloth, and there lay a bit of crystal about as small as a fun-size candy bar.

  “Is that what I think it is?” TJ asked.

  “Yup,” Warner said. “How awesome is that?”

  “Not awesome!” Tara punched Warner in the shoulder.

  “Ouch, what was that for?”

  “For being a total idiot!”

  “Why am I an idiot?” Warner asked. “This thing might save our butts right now. Plus, you promised you wouldn’t get mad!”

  The crystal was glowing orange at the moment. Probably because they were locked in this cell, Kevin thought. He couldn’t believe Warner had stolen a crystal from the cave on planet Glomm.

  “Dude, what were you thinking?” Kevin asked. “We can’t even see what it’s trying to show us.”

  “We’re going to tell the future with it!” Warner said.

  “If you were paying attention instead of stealing sacred crystals from alien planets, then you’d know that the Glomms are the only ones who can activate the visions in the crystal,” Kevin whispered angrily.

  “Oh . . .” Warner looked a little crestfallen. “So all it’s going to do is glow orange?”

  “Or . . . ,” Kevin growled angrily through clenched teeth, “it could fall into the hands of the Sfinks! Who could probably definitely figure out how to use it with all their crazy technology.” He strained to keep his voice down.

  “Well, I didn’t know we were going to get caught by the Sfinks when I took it, did I?” Warner protested.

  “Give that to me!” Kevin reached out and lunged for the crystal.

  Warner pulled his hands back. “No way!”

  “I’m serious, man! Give it up!” he said, grabbing at Warner’s wrist.

  “Who made you the boss of everyone?” Warner said, now full-on wrestling for the crystal.

  “Guys, stop it!” TJ said.

  “Let go!” Kevin groaned and pried up on Warner’s grasp. Their hands flung apart and the crystal went flying to the front of the cell. It stopped right between two of the laser bars.

  Kevin crawled across the floor and gently stretched his fingers to snag the crystal, careful not to get zapped.

  He pulled the crystal back into the cell and heard the Sfink coming toward them down the walkway.

  The crystal was glowing brightly in Kevin’s hands.

  Clip-clop-clip-clop . . . The Sfink’s footsteps drew closer and closer.

  “Do something, Kevin!” said Tara. “You can’t let him see it!”

  Kevin didn’t know what to do. The crystal seemed to be glowing brighter and brighter the closer the footsteps sounded. Just before the Sfink guardsman stopped in front of their cell, Kevin did the only thing he could think of. He popped the crystal in his mouth and swallowed it down in one hard gulp.

  “What’s going on?” The Sfink towered over the kids, looking down at them through the red laser bars of the cell. “No funny business.”

  “No funny business,” TJ promised for all of them.

  The Sfink stared at them as he walked away from the cell.

  Warner pushed Kevin’s shoulder once the alien guard left them alone.

  “You just swallowed the crystal!” Warner said. “Who’s the dummy now?”

  “Why’d you eat it, Kev?” Tara asked.

  “I don’t know,” he said. “I just panicked.”

  “Don’t worry about it, Kev,” said TJ. “I panic all the time.”

  “Come on,” said Tara. “We have to figure out how we’re going to get out of here.”

  Kevin peered out through the laser prison bars at the Sfink guard by the door. There was something buzzing around outside the jail cell, and Kevin saw a plump alien insect flying around down by the exit. The Sfink caught a glimpse of the insect and cocked his head back and forth, following the alien fly like a kitten would.

  “I think I might have an idea,” Kevin said to his friends. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his trusty laser pointer.

  He held it in his hands as though it were the key to the entire universe. He looked at his friends’ faces and cracked a smile. “This is it!”

  “What do you think we can do with that?” TJ asked, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

  “This is going to get us out of here,” Kevin said confidently.

  “What’s the plan, Kev?” Warner asked. “You think we can take out this jail cell with a little laser pointer?”

  “I have to say,” Tara said. “I don’t think there’s any way we can jam up these prison bars with that thing.”

  “We’re not going to have to jam them up,” Kevin said. “We’re going to use that Sfink’s key and walk right out of here.”

  “And how do you propose we do that?” said Warner. “You think he’s just going to hand it over?”

  “These aliens are basically just big old kitty cats, right?” Kevin said, suddenly sounding like someone giving a demonstration at a science fair. “Six-armed hairless nasty-looking ones with four eyes, yes, but feline in nature nonetheless.”

  “Yeah, so?” TJ said.

  “Well, if there’s one thing I know about cats, it’s that they love to chase around laser pointers,” Kevin said. “I’ve seen it on YouTube like a million times! They go absolutely crazy for these things.”

  Tara gave Kevin a funny look and shook her head. She then reached out her hand and laid the back of it across Kevin’s brow like a mother testing a sick
child for a fever. “Are you sure you’re feeling all right?”

  “I’ve never felt better,” Kevin said, a glint of hope sparkling in his eye. “Just watch and learn.”

  He clicked the button and aimed his laser pointer through the pink laser bars. He waggled the tiny red dot on the opposite wall and got the Sfink prison guard’s attention.

  The alien feline saw the red dot jiggling on the wall and immediately dropped his weapon.

  The grotesque cat went after the red dot. All four of its eyes darted side to side like a playful kitten. Kevin wiggled the dot a little faster, keeping the Sfink enticed. The red dot danced up by the ceiling, and the Sfink leaped up and pawed at the walls.

  Kevin then guided the laser pointer down to the ground quickly, and the Sfink gave chase, galloping on all eight of its limbs toward their jail cell.

  The Sfink charged after the dot, its long, forked tongue hanging out of its mouth.

  Kevin led the dot straight down the middle of the hall.

  Just before the Sfink came streaking by their cell, Kevin led the red pinpoint straight into their cell. The Sfink followed the dot at full speed and ran head on into the laser lattice of their jail cell.

  Kablammo!

  The Sfink slammed into the lasers and jolted to a stop, seeming to hang in midair before dropping to the floor. The alien’s body went limp and rolled to the side before lying completely still.

  “Nice work, Kev!” Tara said. “Way to think out of the litter box!”

  “Thanks.” Kevin reached his skinny arm through the laser bars and just barely got his fingers on the device around the alien’s neck.

  He tried to aim the light from the device at the lock on the jail cell, but he didn’t have the proper angle.

  “Come on, guys, quick, help me out!” Kevin called out.

  “What do you want us to do, man?”

  The gears in Kevin’s head turned quickly.

  “Use my eyeglasses,” Kevin told them. “And TJ’s, too!”

  While Kevin clicked the laser key toward the lock, TJ and Tara reached their arms through the laser bars as well, each holding a pair of eyeglasses.

  The beam of light from the device refracted through the lenses and hit the lock on the sensor.

  Suddenly the red glowing light disappeared, and so did the lasers caging them in.

  “Kevin!” TJ shouted. “You did it!”

  “Nah, man.” Warner patted him on the back. “We did that . . . now let’s get out of here and go find Max!”

  “Don’t forget about Klyk and Drooq and Phirf,” Tara said.

  “Right,” said Kevin. “But first we have to find Max. He’s our top priority right now.”

  Warner undid the laser key device from around the neck of the unconscious Sfink and opened up the wall safe. He passed Kevin and Tara their freeze rays, gave TJ the shrink ray, and grabbed the photon blaster Phirf had lent him.

  They turned toward the exit, and the spaceship’s spiral door twisted open automatically. A giant Sfink loomed in the doorway. The humongous feline alien growled at them and drew his ray gun at them quickly.

  ZAP!

  In a flash Tara shot off a blast from the freeze ray and drilled the Sfink in the center of his chest. The six-armed beast stiffened in an aggressive, angry pose, and the four kids sprinted past the grotesque alien statue.

  As they raced through the twisting labyrinth of the Sfinks’ spaceship, Warner pointed at Kevin’s stomach.

  “Dude, look!” he said, panting to catch his breath as they ran. “You’re glowing!”

  Kevin stared down the front of his shirt. It glowed with the orange light of the Glomms’ prophecy crystal. “Oh no!” he said. “This thing isn’t going to, like, nuke my insides, is it?”

  “Too early to tell,” said Tara. “Until we can test for radiation poisoning . . .”

  “Not making me feel better!” Kevin shouted at Tara. “Thank you very much.”

  “You asked.” She rolled her eyes.

  “I don’t know about radiation,” Warner said. “But how sweet would it be if it turned you into a superhero like Spider-Man or Superman or something?”

  They came to a fork in the corridor, which split off into two hallways.

  “Which one?” Tara asked.

  “I say left,” Kevin said.

  “Why do you say that?” TJ said.

  “No reason,” Kevin said. “It just feels right.”

  He started to run ahead of them, and suddenly his stomach stopped glowing orange and started glowing blue.

  “Check it out!” TJ pointed. “Kevin’s blue now!”

  “Maybe it’s trying to tell us where to go?” Tara suggested.

  “And whatever way blue leads is where Max will be,” Warner said, adding in his two cents.

  “Or Klyk and Phirf and Drooq,” TJ said. “Maybe it’ll lead us back to them.”

  “We’ll do whatever the crystal tells us to,” Kevin said. “Come on!”

  They hustled down the spaceship hallway and were soon stopped by another split in the hallway.

  “Which way do we go, Kev?” Tara asked.

  “I don’t know,” Kevin said. “Gimme a sec.”

  Kevin started to go right when his blue tummy switched back to orange. He tried the hallway to the left, and his stomach flipped back to blue. The four of them hightailed it down another corridor and found themselves in a new section of the mother ship.

  The corridor opened up into a big engine room.

  The light was dim and the spaceship was draped in shadows. There was a large pit in the center of the room. Kevin peeked down as they edged around the rim of the smooth metal pit. He saw a massive swirl of supercharged energy particles spinning at the bottom. It must have been part of the space vessel’s propulsion system.

  “Be careful, you guys.” Kevin gestured to the propulsion pit. He wanted them out of this room immediately. If anyone accidentally fell in there, it would rip someone apart for sure.

  His blue glowing innards led them to what looked like some sort of tunnel or giant drainpipe.

  The four of them ducked into the dark sewer system. They had to bend down at the waist just to fit. For a while they followed the light-blue glow, but soon they passed a ladder on the wall.

  After that the light-blue glow switched to orange.

  Kevin backed up quickly and crouched in front of the ladder, which went into a narrow vertical pipe leading upward.

  Kevin tilted his head back and looked straight up. His stomach started glowing blue once again.

  They climbed up the ladder, high into the Sfinks’ ship.

  A little over halfway up, the crystal flashed from blue to orange and they all stopped climbing.

  “Is there another way out of here except straight up?” Kevin asked, rubbing his sweaty palms against the smooth metal curves of the pipe.

  “I don’t think so.” Warner’s voice echoed through the vertical tunnel.

  “Hey guys, down here,” TJ called up to them. “I found something.”

  Kevin heard the clink of a rusted door opening. A thick wedge of bright light washed in, and they all climbed out of the pipe.

  Kevin rose to his feet and stood next to Tara, TJ, and Warner. It took a second for his eyes to adjust to the light. He squinted down the passageway, which led to a wide, well-lit room with low ceilings.

  The place looked like an infirmary. As they walked down the hallway, Kevin realized that was exactly what it was. It was flanked by rows of hospital rooms all the way down each side.

  Inside the rooms, the bodies of wounded or injured Sfinks slept on stone slabs, connected to feeding tubes and breathing tubes and various electronic machines.

  “Should we freeze ray them?” TJ asked, as they crept through the alien sick room.

  “I don’t think we should waste the ammo,” Kevin said. “Unless one of them wakes up, obviously. . . .”

  “They all seem in pretty deep sleep,” Tara said. “Maybe they’re all se
dated. . . .”

  “Maybe if you guys stop talking, we’ll stand a better chance of not waking them up,” said Warner, pressing his index finger to his pursed lips as they continued tiptoeing past the sleeping aliens.

  At the end of the infirmary hallway, they followed Kevin’s blue glowing tummy to a set of double doors.

  Kevin looked through the glass window. Across the laboratory room, a slouched figure was sitting in a high-tech wheelchair.

  Max Greyson, Kevin thought. He knew it was him.

  He knew it in his gut.

  Kevin’s belly glowed blue as they entered through the sliding doors. The four of them strolled across the observation laboratory and stopped in front of the man in the wheelchair.

  The infamous comic book writer seemed sluggish, as though he was heavily sedated, like all his energy was being sucked right out of his brain.

  The telepathy helmet was clamped down over Max’s head. It was connected to a high-tech contraption hanging down from the ceiling. It looked like some kind of computer system connected to a bigger network.

  Max was hooked up here just like the Glomms had the crystal hooked up in their command center.

  Kevin clutched Max by his shoulders and looked directly into his face. His eyes were all-white cue balls, rolled into the back of his head, and he was drooling down the side of his cheek.

  “That’s him, right?” Tara asked.

  Warner examined the man’s face. “Yeah, it’s him,” he said. “He looks in pretty rough shape, but it’s him.”

  “How do you know?” asked TJ.

  “I saw a picture of him once in Hot Comix Monthly,” Warner responded, looking around the rest of the place.

  On one side of the room, piles upon piles of sketchbooks were filled with scenes from unreleased Brainstorm comic books. “Jackpot!” Warner said, heading straight for the stacks of unpublished Max Greyson originals.

  “We’ve got to get this thing off him,” Kevin said. “They’re sucking him dry!”

  Kevin reached for the telepathy helmet, but Tara pulled him away from Max.

  “Not so fast!” she said. “We don’t want to short circuit him. . . .”