Guarded Passions

by Rosie Harris

  ‘The proof is here, isn’t it?’ Helen said, taking the photograph out of Ruth’s hand.

  ‘They say everyone has a double,’ Ruth defended weakly.

  ‘In looks, perhaps,’ Helen agreed. ‘But Gary has all Adam’s mannerisms as well. When I see Gary walk in the house it’s almost like seeing your father come home. He gets more like him all the time.’

  ‘And you are determined not to tell him the truth?’

  ‘There’s nothing to be gained by doing so.’

  ‘Not for you, perhaps. It would set Gary’s mind at rest though … and Sheila’s.’

  ‘No. If you tell either of them I’ll never forgive you, Ruth. Promise me you’ll say nothing.’

  ‘Just tell me why, Mum. Perhaps then I’ll understand,’ Ruth pleaded.

  Helen shook her head wearily. ‘I don’t know. It’s just that I feel a sense of evil every time I look at Gary. I think it’s the thought that I have been deceived. I know it’s not his fault, but I feel the only weapon I have is to withhold the knowledge from him.’

  ‘I think you should see a psychiatrist … you need help,’ Ruth told her.

  ‘The only help I need you can give me.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Just keep Gary away from here. Don’t bring him with you next time you come down.’

  ‘But, Mum …’

  ‘As long as I don’t see him I can forget. The bitterness goes, the hurt inside me fades. The moment I am in the same room with him my mind is full of recriminations against your father.’

  ‘Well, I’ll do my best,’ Ruth said cautiously. ‘Both Gary and Sheila will think it strange, though. And so will Hugh … unless I give them some sort of explanation.’

  ‘No! Hugh is not to be told, nor anyone else. All I’m asking is that you try and keep Gary away.’

  ‘You won’t be able to stop Mark seeing him.’

  ‘No, I know that,’ Helen said resignedly. ‘After this holiday though I don’t think Mark will be too keen on bringing him here. He likes having Gary to himself, so that they can go drinking. He’s resented Sheila being here as well as the way Lucy has monopolised Gary.’

  ‘We’d better go back downstairs. The others will wonder what we’re doing,’ Ruth told her, standing up and collecting the coffee cups.

  ‘You go on. I’ll be down in a minute. You won’t forget your promise, Ruth, will you? I don’t want anyone told … not even Hugh.’

  Chapter 26

  Her mother’s disclosures about Gary troubled Ruth and she longed to be able to confide in Hugh. In the thirteen years they had been married she had never kept any secrets from him. Nor he from her, as far as she knew.

  This was where she differed from her mother, Ruth thought. Although they were so alike in looks, they were totally opposite in temperament. Her mother would go to almost any length to ensure there was no bickering between herself and Mark, especially when their father had been around. She couldn’t ever remember a family argument. Her mother liked an harmonious life and had always ensured that their home was a haven of peace and happiness.

  Ruth remembered how she had found it hard to stand up for herself. When she visited other families, it had frightened her if a grown-up shouted at them because they were doing something wrong. And she had been shocked when her friends argued with their parents.

  Looking back, she was sure her confrontation with her mother, when she had wanted to marry Hugh, had succeeded partly because she’d never acted in that way before. It was a weapon she learned to value and one which she used whenever necessary.

  She knew her mother thought she was now much too frank and outspoken, but it worked for her and Hugh. They never bore grudges, or sulked, or held private vendettas. If Hugh annoyed her she let him know; if she upset him, he was equally candid. If there was provocation, they shouted at each other and cleared the air.

  She knew her mother deplored their behaviour and thought it in very bad taste, especially in front of the children.

  When she tried to explain to her that things were different from when she was first married, her mother would only shake her head and her mouth would tighten in disapproval.

  Ruth knew she was right. Life had changed, even in the Guards. If her father had spoken to his officers in the way Hugh did then he would probably have been on a charge for insubordination, she thought wryly.

  For several weeks after her mother’s revelations, Ruth found herself watching Gary closely whenever they met. Sometimes she wondered if she was imagining there were facial and physical resemblances to her father, simply because she wanted them to be there. She also became acutely conscious of his mannerisms, especially when they identified with those of Mark or her father.

  As she tried to analyse her own feelings towards Gary, it made her moody and introspective.

  ‘Are you broody or something?’ Hugh joked when he arrived home late one evening, after Sally and Anna were in bed, to find her sitting in the dark.

  ‘No, just thinking. Do you want some supper?’

  ‘In a moment.’ He sat down on the settee and drew Ruth into the curve of his arm. ‘What’s wrong? You seem to have been in some kind of a daze ever since we arrived back from Hong Kong. Missing the sun?’

  ‘No, not really.’

  ‘Not fed up with me, are you?’ His lips sought hers in a deep warm kiss.

  ‘Oh Hugh, you are an idiot!’ She sighed as she relaxed against his hard body. ‘Why on earth should I be?’

  ‘I don’t know. There’s something strange about you. I was beginning to wonder if you’d gone overboard for our friend Gary.’

  ‘What!’

  Ruth shot upright, turning to stare at him in dismay.

  ‘Well, every time he’s in the house you devour him with your eyes and he seems to have all your attention.’

  ‘Rubbish! Absolute rubbish!’ she exclaimed heatedly.

  ‘That’s all right then.’ He drew her back into his arms, his fleeting kisses covering her eyes, her forehead, her face, finally coming to rest on her lips.

  Their love-life had always been good, and now Ruth found release from the tension that had built up inside her as she responded to Hugh’s love-making.

  There had never been any other man for her and, as far as she knew, there had never been anyone else in Hugh’s life, certainly not since they’d been married.

  Or had there? As she lay there, her limbs entwined with his, a shadow of doubt crept into Ruth’s mind.

  Why should Hugh be any different from other men? Who would have believed that her father, so upright and honest, and always such a stickler for the truth, would have had an affair? Yet Gary was living proof of his infidelity.

  This disturbing thought haunted her and she became less responsive to Hugh during the weeks that followed. He sensed the change in her and it mystified him. An estrangement developed between them. Ruth was often aware that Hugh was watching her, a puzzled expression in his dark eyes. She longed to fling her arms around him and blurt out all her mother had told her. Her promise to keep silent about Gary weighed heavily, making her snappy and irritable with Sally and Anna.

  She even found herself wondering what Hugh was up to when he was working. She became devious, questioning other wives about where their husbands were, just to see if it all tied in when Hugh told her he was on a course or exercise. Afterwards, she despised herself for checking on him. Yet the next time he was absent she found herself resorting to the same subterfuges.

  ‘If you were any older I’d say you were going through the change,’ Hugh told her sourly after one of their bitter exchanges. ‘You’re becoming as shrewish as your mother.’

  ‘My mother – shrewish!’ Ruth stared at him in amazement. ‘You don’t know what you’re saying!’

  ‘I do, you ask Gary. Since her outburst at New Year, it’s put him off going to the farm. He meets Mark in town or at a pub somewhere. I don’t know what Gary has done to deserve it, but nowadays you don’t seem to hav
e any time for him either. I suppose it’s all to do with your mother finding him in Lucy’s bedroom. Gary swears they were only planning an outing for our girls and I believe him.’

  ‘Of course Mum was upset,’ Ruth defended. ‘Lucy’s a very attractive teenager.’

  ‘She’s just a kid. And a spoilt one at that. She’s at the stage where she thinks she has only to flutter her eyelashes and open wide those blue eyes of hers and men will fall at her feet. Well, she may find it works with the boys at the youth club but not with an old soldier like Gary! Anyway, he’s a happily-married man!’

  ‘And happily-married men don’t have affairs?’

  ‘Not when they know their wives are checking up on them,’ he told her with a mocking grin.

  ‘How did you know?’ Ruth flushed angrily.

  ‘You didn’t think you could keep something like that secret, not amongst Army wives, did you?’ Hugh sneered. ‘A really juicy bit of gossip that made in the Mess.’

  Worried by what her mother’s secret was doing to her own marriage, Ruth decided to go and talk to her and try to persuade her to agree that she could tell Hugh about Gary. Hugh was away on an exercise so she made Lucy’s eighteenth birthday an excuse to take the two girls on a visit.

  It was early April, and the blue sky was patterned with fluffy white clouds. The birds were singing and the sun was warm on their faces as they waited at the station to be collected. Ruth prayed her mother would understand. What better time than now, with spring burgeoning all around them, to clear the air between herself and Hugh. If the weather held she would be able to take Sally and Anna walking. It suddenly seemed important to her that they should know and love the countryside around Sturbury just as she had done as a girl.

  They were all up early on the morning of Lucy’s birthday. Sally and Anna were dancing with excitement at the sight of all the cards and presents piled on Lucy’s chair.

  When Lucy finally arrived at the breakfast-table, she was wearing a black skirt with a deep side slit and a low-necked white blouse. Her shoulder-length blonde hair fanned over her shoulders like a glittering golden shawl.

  ‘You look more as if you were dressed for a party than going to work in a hairdresser’s,’ Ruth joked as she kissed her younger sister and handed her a prettily-wrapped box.

  ‘That reminds me,’ Lucy exclaimed, looking at her mother, ‘I may be rather late home tonight. The girls at work are taking me for a birthday drink.’

  ‘Oh, Lucy, no!’ Sally and Anna exclaimed in unison. ‘What about your birthday tea?’

  Lucy smiled apologetically. ‘Sorry, but I made this arrangement long before I knew you were coming. There’s still the party on Saturday. Tell you what, I’ll bring you both a bag of crisps,’ she said lightly.

  Ignoring their cries of ‘big deal’, she pushed back her chair and went to fetch her coat.

  Ruth could see that Sally and Anna were almost in tears so she hastily concocted an outing to take their minds off their disappointment.

  ‘Come on,’ she said as she began stacking the breakfast dishes. ‘We’ll wash up and then I’ll take you out.’

  ‘Where are we going?’ Sally asked, her face lighting up with anticipation.

  ‘That’s a secret,’ Ruth told her mysteriously.

  ‘Give us one clue,’ Anna begged, but Ruth refused to be drawn.

  ‘How can we get ready when we don’t know where we’re going?’ Anna grumbled. ‘We don’t know whether to keep on our jeans or change into a dress.’

  ‘What you’ve got on will be fine. But bring a warm sweater,’ Ruth told them.

  She had absolutely nothing in mind, so the moment they were out of the room she sought her mother’s advice.

  ‘Why don’t you borrow the car and take them to Stourton Tower and then to Stourton Gardens afterwards? They’ve opened up a restaurant in what used to be the stables, so you could have a snack lunch there and I’ll have a proper meal waiting when you get home. Make a day of it.’

  ‘Why don’t you come with us?’

  Helen hesitated and Ruth could see she was tempted by the idea. Then she shook her head slowly. ‘No. Mark has the vet coming this morning. I ought to be here to make them coffee. I’ll have an easy day … the rest will do me good.’

  ‘Finding us a bit too much for you?’ Ruth asked sympathetically.

  ‘No, of course not. But I still have some baking to do for Lucy’s party on Saturday. Go on, enjoy yourselves. This is supposed to be a holiday for those two girls of yours, you know.’

  For the three of them it was a memorable day. Sally and Anna found everything excitingly new. For Ruth, it was sheer nostalgia, a trip back in time.

  ‘I bet Grandma has been worrying in case we’ve broken down or something,’ Ruth commented as they pulled up outside the farm. ‘It’s almost seven o’clock!’

  ‘It’s been great. Much better than sitting around waiting for Lucy to get back from work. I bet she’s the one waiting for us,’ Anna exclaimed triumphantly.

  Helen looked relieved to see them but more than a little surprised that Lucy wasn’t with them.

  ‘I thought you must have decided to go and collect her when she didn’t ring in for a lift,’ she remarked.

  ‘I never even thought about it,’ Ruth said a little guiltily. ‘The bus from Winton leaves at half-past six, doesn’t it?’

  ‘She’s missed that and there’s not another one tonight,’ Helen said, concerned.

  ‘Shall I go and pick her up?’ Ruth volunteered. ‘There are only three pubs in Winton so it shouldn’t be too difficult to find her.’

  ‘Sit down and have your meal first,’ Helen replied. ‘It’s all ready. Mark and I have been waiting for you.’

  ‘Oh, sorry! You should have had yours.’

  ‘Mark’s not long finished outside. He said he’d go and get changed but he should be down any minute. If Lucy hasn’t phoned by the time we’ve finished then probably Mark will go and look for her.’

  They had finished eating and were having coffee when they heard the commotion outside. Mark sprang to his feet and went to investigate. Within seconds he was back, followed by Gary who was supporting a rather dishevelled-looking Lucy.

  ‘Hi, everybody!’ She waved a hand in greeting, then collapsed against Gary, giggling.

  ‘How ever many drinks have you had?’ Mark asked, frowning.

  Lucy giggled louder, waved her hand dismissively and said in a slurred voice, ‘I’m OK … and I have the crisps.’ She tried to focus her eyes on Sally and Anna, ‘Gary,’ she said, clutching at him wildly, ‘give ’em their crisps. Go on. I promised I’d bring them some and Lucy never breaks a promise, does she, girls?’

  ‘They can have them in the morning. They’re just on their way up to bed,’ Helen said in an icy voice.

  ‘No we weren’t …’ Anna began but her grandmother silenced her with a look.

  ‘Go on,’ Ruth urged, giving them both a gentle push. ‘I’ll be up in a minute to kiss you goodnight.’

  Anna hesitated, ready to argue, but Sally had seen the warning signals in her mother’s eyes and hurried her younger sister away.

  Helen stayed silent until Sally and Anna had left the room, then she turned on Gary, her face white and tense, her mouth a thin, hard line.

  ‘I’m sure you have an explanation for bringing Lucy home in this state,’ she said, cuttingly, ‘but I don’t want to hear it. Get out and stay away from here, I never want to see you again.’

  ‘Look, Mrs Woodley …’

  ‘Get out!’ Helen hissed.

  Gary paused for a moment, then with a slight lift of his shoulders turned on his heel. As the door slammed behind him, Mark went after him, calling his name, shouting to him to stop. There was a sound of a car engine being revved, of tyres spinning on the pathway and then silence. Ruth went to the window in time to see the tail of the car as it turned into the main road.

  ‘Mark’s gone with him,’ she said quietly.

  ‘I never want t
o see Gary ever again,’ Helen said in a low, hard voice. ‘He’s caused nothing but trouble.’ She turned to Lucy who was looking at her in bewilderment. ‘And I won’t have you seeing him behind my back … you understand?’

  ‘Why not?’

  The shock of Gary’s dismissal seemed to have sobered Lucy. ‘All he did was to give me a lift home!’

  ‘You mean he wasn’t at the pub drinking with you?’ Ruth asked in surprise.

  ‘Of course he wasn’t! It was an all-girls “do”. I felt a bit queer when I came out. I knew I’d had too much to drink so I thought I would walk home.’

  ‘Walk!’ Helen exclaimed disbelievingly. ‘It’s almost four miles.’

  ‘Well, I did tell you I’d had too much to drink,’ Lucy said, pulling a face. ‘At that moment I thought I could walk it. I’d just reached the edge of town when Gary’s car pulled up. I thought you’d sent him to meet me.’ She pouted.

  ‘Well, we’ll say no more about it,’ Helen said, mollified by Lucy’s explanation. ‘Just remember, though. I don’t want Gary here again.’

  ‘But he’s promised to take me to the Troop Ball,’ Lucy sulked. ‘Does that mean I have to meet him in London?’

  ‘What Troop Ball?’ Ruth asked sharply. ‘Hugh hasn’t mentioned there’s to be one.’

  ‘In a fortnight’s time. The Spring Ball. Gary says it lasts all night and there will be breakfast at four o’clock the next morning.’ Her blue eyes were wide and excited, ‘Can you imagine it! It sounds absolutely fantastic. I’ve never been to a real ball. I’ll need a new dress, Mum. I haven’t got a long one,’ she said in a wheedling tone, ‘unless, of course, Ruth has one I can borrow.’ She looked appealingly at her elder sister.

  ‘Lucy, didn’t you hear what I said? I don’t want Gary here ever again and I don’t want you …’

  ‘Then I’ll go and stay with Ruth for the weekend and go from there,’ Lucy said quickly before her mother could finish.

  ‘Why don’t you both come and stay with us?’ Ruth said quickly.

  ‘Are you going to this ball, then?’ Helen asked.

  ‘Probably.’

  ‘What do you mean “probably”? Either you are or you aren’t,’ Helen said irritably.