Past Imperfect

by Michael Parker

  ‘I know.’

  Kennett showed surprise, then realization. ‘Of course: Maud.’

  ‘She told me not to get to love them.’

  Kennett chuckled softly. ‘Sound advice. And do you?’

  ‘What do you think?’

  He nodded. ‘It doesn’t surprise me.’ He was quiet for a while, thinking about what he would say next. ‘The Jerrolds . . .’

  ‘Were here to adopt the twins,’ Kate answered for him.

  He closed his hands, locking his fingers together. ‘Not exactly, Kate. They have put their names forward but it will be up to the authorities to choose the adoptive parents.’

  ‘I didn’t think you were supposed to know: secrecy and all that?’

  ‘Well yes, of course, but the Jerrolds knew of my decision quite early and made it clear they wanted first refusal.’

  ‘You make the twins sound like a market commodity,’ she told him, not afraid of his reaction to her comment. If he was determined to lose the twins, then Kate would have no job and therefore no home. ‘But you can’t choose the adoptive parents.’

  Kennett’s head lifted. ‘You’re right: I have no say in the matter.’

  ‘You do,’ she snapped. ‘They are your sons. All they lack is a mother. They already have a father, Jeremy: you!’ She stabbed her finger at him. ‘If you loved them you would find a mother for them. And what about their inheritance?’ She carried on without waiting for an answer. ‘They are the heirs to Clanford Estate. Surely you can’t deny them what is rightfully theirs?’

  Kennett’s expression softened. ‘Only Paul would inherit the estate because he is the eldest, and it would be a curse.’ He put his hand up to stop her protest. ‘In ten years, if we’re lucky, there will be precious little left. They want to rip a huge chunk from us for a trunk road to London, which will lose us thousands a year in income. We are heavily in debt and the loss would mean we would not be able to pay those debts off.’ He waved an open hand towards the window. ‘As lovely as it all looks, Kate, the estate is an absolute nightmare. We employ a minimum of permanent staff, and all other work on the estate is with contractors and temporary staff. The dairy farm is operated by a tenant farmer. The small sheep flock we have brings precious little income. What with new factories opening up nearer the big towns, a lot of people we used to employ are leaving the area for better money. We simply cannot compete. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody; least of all my own sons.’

  Kate stood up and crossed the small space between them. She took hold of his hands and held them close together. ‘Do you love those boys?’

  He nodded. ‘Of course I do.’ He felt something sensuous in the softness of Kate’s hands and closed his fingers just a little tighter around them.

  ‘Is it fair then to deny them their birthright?’ Kennett opened his mouth to say something but Kate went on. ‘I was raised in an orphanage: I know what it’s like to have no father or mother.’

  ‘But they will have a mother and father,’ Kennett argued. ‘They will grow up knowing their adoptive parents as their parents.’

  ‘But they will eventually know otherwise because they will have that right when they reach their majority.’

  Kennett stood up and towered over Kate. ‘I suppose you learned all this in that orphanage of yours?’

  Kate smiled. ‘We might have been orphans, but not all of us were that dumb we didn’t know what went on in the real world.’

  Because of their closeness, it was the first time that Kennett had been able to study Kate closely. There was a fragility about her that hid the strength he knew lay beneath. Although she was only seventeen, she had the maturity of an adult. No doubt, he believed, as a result of the hardships she had lived with. Unwittingly, Kate had left her blouse unbuttoned at the top. Ordinarily it wouldn’t have made a difference because she was in her own room. Outside and she would have had a little more propriety. Now Kennett could see the soft swelling of her breasts and he had to force himself to lift his eyes and look into Kate’s face. He felt his throat constrict. He turned his head to one side and coughed quietly.

  ‘Can you find me a wife?’ he asked, turning back and looking into her hazel eyes.

  Kate shook her head and let go of his hands. She went back to her chair. ‘You will have to do that, Jeremy,’ she told him. ‘But she must be someone who could love the twins as her own. You owe that to them.’

  They both looked round when they heard one of the twins cry suddenly from the nursery. Kate stood up. ‘No peace for the wicked,’ she laughed. ‘That will be Paul; he’s usually the most demanding.’

  Kennett followed her into the twins’ room and watched as Kate picked up the crying baby and smothered him in kisses.

  ‘Thank you, Kate,’ he said after watching her for a while. ‘I’ll let you get on.’

  He was about to leave when Kate reached out a hand and stopped him. ‘Think of what I’ve said, Jeremy.’

  ‘I will,’ he promised, and left.

  Kate laid the baby down and rubbed her knuckle against his soft cheek. ‘I think that went well, Paul,’ she said softly. ‘After all, this is where you belong.’

  Kennett had just had his afternoon tea delivered in his study when Kate knocked softly on the door and walked in. Kennett looked up from his desk. His face brightened when he saw her.

  ‘Hello, Kate,’ he said cheerfully. ‘What brings you here?’

  ‘Oh, my mind has been working overtime again,’ she told him. She sat in the chair facing the desk. ‘I was thinking of ways I can help the estate.’

  He smiled. ‘Financially?’

  Kate laughed. ‘No, but I was wondering if you could teach me to drive.’

  This made Kennett sit back. ‘Teach you to drive? What on earth for?’

  Kate knew this would be tricky, but it was a small step in the direction she believed she needed to go if she was to persuade Kennett that his sons belonged here at Clanford Hall and nowhere else.

  ‘I was speaking to Arthur a couple of days ago,’ she began. ‘He told me that he could do with some help with the driving.’

  Kennett’s chin squashed back into his neck. ‘Some help with the driving?’ he repeated. ‘Can’t he manage?’

  She shook her head. ‘It isn’t that. He said there were times when he was too busy to run errands into Petersfield and wished there was someone else who could help with that.’

  ‘What about the twins? Who would keep an eye on them?’

  ‘It wouldn’t be a problem: I would always have them with me.’

  ‘Have you driven before?’ he asked.

  Kate shook her head. ‘No, but it can’t be that difficult. So Arthur tells me,’ she added.

  He leaned forward, resting his arms on the desk. ‘So you’ve discussed this with him, have you?’

  She shrugged. ‘Not quite like that. It was something that came into my mind after talking to him. He doesn’t know yet.’

  ‘And who would teach you?’

  Kate felt more confident; at least he hadn’t rejected her proposal out of hand. ‘I thought you might be able to do that.’

  He leaned back and studied her. ‘You’re not thinking for one moment you’re going to get your hands on the Morgan, are you?’

  Kate laughed and shook her head. ‘No, of course not; Arthur uses the Ford Consul. I could learn in that.’ It pleased Kate now that the discussion was more pragmatic and she seemed to have persuaded Kennett to go along with the notion that she should be taught to drive. But the driving was a small part of Kate’s grand plan in that she wanted to make herself almost indispensable to Clanford Estate and consequently its owner. She knew that if she could achieve that, it might help to persuade Kennett to drop the adoption plans. But equally as important in Kate’s plan was that it would secure her future as well.

  Kennett sat motionless for a while, considering her perfectly simple and sane suggestion. He scratched his head, tapped his fingers on the desk top and then picked up his cup. He took a mout
hful of tea, placed the cup very carefully and deliberately back on its saucer and conceded.

  ‘Very well, Kate, but we need to make sure the twins aren’t neglected while you’re doing your level best to wreck the Ford.’

  Kate offered up a silent prayer of thanks. ‘I can have lessons whenever the twins are having their afternoon nap. Maud can keep an eye on them for me.’

  He agreed. ‘Right, I’ll leave the details to you, Kate, but make sure you have Maud on your side, please. Talk to Arthur about having the Ford ready for you. You’ll need learner plates of course, but I’m sure he’ll pick up a couple for you.’ He pulled his open desk diary towards him and flicked through the pages. ‘Make it the end of next week and I’ll let you have a drive round the estate.’ He peered at her and smiled. ‘Much safer that way, I think. OK?’

  Kate wanted to go around the desk and kiss him, but relied on old-fashioned manners and thanked him instead. She got up from the chair and left.

  Even as she was closing the study door behind her, Kennett wanted to call her back, simply to have her talking to him a little longer. The image of her smiling face remained in his mind as he stared at the closed door. Gradually it faded and he sighed; there was work to be done. He finished his tea and began working on the estate’s ledgers.

  The weeks seemed to fly by as Kate learned to drive. Kennett was immediately impressed with Kate’s aptitude and marvelled at the way she took to handling the car with little instruction. As each week moved into the next, so Kennett found himself looking forward to spending time with Kate and would often use the driving lesson as an excuse to go out into the countryside and stop somewhere. Because he trusted Kate’s ability, and because Kate felt confident enough, they would take the twins with them. It wasn’t long before they were venturing out to Portsdown Hill, where they would stop and admire the view overlooking the whole of Portsmouth, the Solent and the Isle of Wight.

  It was on one such day as they sat in the car looking out over the city that Kennett admitted to Kate that he had been hoping she would fail her driving test.

  ‘Why?’ she asked.

  Kennett turned towards her and rested his arm on the back of his seat. ‘The truth is, Kate, that I really enjoy these little outings. I haven’t had to tell you anything for the last few weeks about driving.’ He couldn’t think of how to say what was on his mind.

  ‘I’ve enjoyed them too, Jeremy.’ She glanced quickly towards the back seat. ‘Having the twins with us makes it just right. We’re almost like a little family.’ She moved a little closer to him. ‘Perhaps I should fail my test deliberately.’

  He smiled and let his arm straighten a little so that he was within a few inches of touching her. ‘Perhaps we could carry on.’

  Kate felt her body trembling very slightly. It reached into her fingertips and through every sinew. She edged closer. ‘I would like that very much,’ she admitted, her voice soft and almost a whisper.

  ‘Do you think we could. . . ?’ He wasn’t sure how to say it, to say what he wanted.

  Kate let her tongue run round her mouth, wetting her lips. She tilted her head towards him and opened her lips as he reached down to her and kissed her gently.

  ‘Oh, my God,’ he exclaimed pulling away. ‘I’m sorry, Kate, I shouldn’t have done that. Please forgive me.’

  Kate straightened and leaned back in her seat. She was still facing him. ‘I’m not.’

  He frowned. ‘What?’

  ‘I’m not sorry, Jeremy,’ she told him. ‘I’ve wanted you to kiss me for a long time.’

  His face was at once without expression and then it was brightening into a broad smile. It changed and he looked uncomfortable, as though he didn’t know how to handle Kate’s admission.

  ‘Nevertheless, Kate, I shouldn’t have done that,’ he argued. ‘I was taking advantage of you.’

  Kate laughed. ‘Oh, Jeremy, what shall we do with you?’ She sat forward and started the car, slipped it into reverse and pulled away from the hill. She glanced at him from the corner of her eye as she drove out onto the main road, and thought he looked very contrite. But she didn’t care, and inside her heart was singing. A few more weeks and she was confident she could persuade him to cancel the adoption proceedings.

  Autumn had long gone, Christmas had passed and winter drifted in. Coal fires and warm clothing became the order of the day. Kate passed her driving test but continued to see a great deal of Kennett. The twins spent less time outside, although Kate made sure they did at least see something of the cold weather. She had taken them to the clinic in Petersfield for their vaccinations and worried like any mother over their tears. They were past that point now and becoming more of a handful as they crawled rapidly everywhere.

  She continued to dress them alike because she wanted to be able to identify each one by his character, although she always took the precaution of tying a different-coloured ribbon to each of the boys’ wrists. Kate was beginning to see a subtle change that marked Paul out from his twin. Paul was the older one by a couple of minutes, but he was soon beginning to show a more aggressive nature. It wasn’t that he would strike his brother, but was more prone to be demanding, whereas Michael would happily give up whatever Paul wanted from him. Kate would often watch the two of them arguing in their baby way over a simple toy. Paul would attempt to prise it from his brother’s hands. Michael would realize what his brother wanted and would offer the toy to him. It would exasperate Kate, but she tried not to intervene too often. When she did it was because she so wanted Michael to show some defiance. But the character traits were there, and Kate knew she would have to be vigilant.

  One morning while Kate was trying to bring justice to the nursery as the twins battled over a toy, there was a knock on the door and Maud came in.

  ‘Hello, Kate,’ she called brightly. ‘Thought I would pop in and see the twins.’ Maud was always ‘popping in’ to see the twins.

  Kate was kneeling beside the children. She clambered to her feet and brushed herself down with the flats of her hands. ‘Well, as you can see they are fighting. I think Paul is winning.’

  Maud laughed. ‘I don’t know how you can tell them apart,’ she said. ‘Maybe Michael is winning and you’ve got them mixed up.’

  Kate bent down and swept Michael up into her arms. She held his arm out, showing the bright-red ribbon. ‘Michael,’ she said simply. ‘He’s losing.’

  ‘May I?’ She held out her arms as Kate passed Michael to her. Paul immediately held his arms up and made loud noises at Kate.

  ‘See? He wants whatever Michael has,’ she pointed out.

  ‘You’re doing a splendid job,’ Maud said as she began dancing round the nursery in a kind of pseudo-waltz. Michael seemed to enjoy it anyway.

  ‘It isn’t difficult, Maud,’ Kate admitted. ‘And it’s a pleasure.’ She scooped up Paul who was still demanding. ‘But for how much longer, I don’t know.’ She ran her thumb over Paul’s little mouth, wiping away the dribble from his lips. ‘I don’t suppose Mister Jeremy has said anything about the adoption?’ she asked.

  Maud stopped and faced Kate. ‘You’re a lot closer to him than me, Kate,’ she said. ‘I would have thought he’d have confided in you by now.’

  Kate shook her head. ‘I’m afraid not.’

  ‘Have you asked him?’

  Kate pulled a face. ‘It really isn’t my place, Maud.’

  ‘Stuff and nonsense,’ Maud declared strongly. ‘You have as much right to know as anyone. You’re like a mother to these two.’

  ‘Yes, and if I could adopt them myself, I would,’ Kate replied with a real sense of determination in her voice. ‘Even if I had to ask Mister Jeremy to marry me.’

  Maud’s eyebrows lifted and she lowered Michael to the floor. ‘Really?’ She let Michael settle before standing up. ‘Do you feel that close to him?’

  Kate bounced Paul up and down on her arm and looked into his face. She kissed him automatically and looked back at Maud. ‘I like his company. We ar
e always laughing and joking with each other when we go out together. But I have to be so careful, Maud. I have to remember that his wife hasn’t been dead a year yet.’

  ‘Do you think he has any feelings for you, Kate?’ Maud asked carefully.

  ‘He’s kissed me a few times,’ she answered coyly.

  Maud looked at this young girl who could be so vulnerable to overtures from men like Kennett. But this seemed to be so different: as though it was preordained. ‘Kate, you’re only seventeen.’

  ‘I’m eighteen,’ Kate cut in sharply. ‘I was eighteen on Christmas Day.’

  Maud had settled into a small chair that had been placed beneath the window, her hands in her lap. She looked mortified. ‘Why didn’t you tell us, Kate?’ Her head shook and a puzzled expression clouded her face. ‘None of us knew. We would have celebrated with you.’

  ‘It’s not important, Maud,’ Kate told her. ‘Maybe next year if I’m still here.’

  The two women stared at each other for a while. Then suddenly Maud stood up. ‘Seventeen was too young to be a bride, but eighteen is different,’ she declared emphatically. ‘It’s time Mister Jeremy was made aware of a few things.’

  ‘Don’t you dare, Maud,’ Kate warned her in a loud voice. ‘It’s none of your business: it’s between me and him.’

  ‘And the boys,’ Maud reminded her.

  Kate was still holding Paul. She put him on the floor next to his brother. ‘Please, Maud, don’t say anything.’

  Maud smiled, changing her countenance. It was pleasant, understanding, loving: all of those things. ‘Don’t worry, Kate, I won’t,’ she agreed. ‘But I do think he needs a bit of nudging, don’t you?’

  Kate nodded. ‘Yes, but let me be the one who does the nudging.’

  Maud came over to Kate and stood very close. ‘When I was a young woman, about your age, I fell in love with a handsome boy.’ She had lowered her voice to almost a whisper. ‘He was shy, but I knew he loved me. At least, I was sure he did. My grandmother told me that it was up to me to make sure the boy wanted to marry me. When I asked her how I was supposed to do that, she said there wasn’t a woman in the world who couldn’t make a man do what she wanted. Use what God gave you: that was the advice she gave me.’ She stood back and laughed with a sense of irony. ‘I didn’t have to in the end,’ she said sadly. ‘My handsome man died in the Spanish flu epidemic in 1918.’