Accidental Arrangements

by Alexandra Warren

  While I wasn’t sure how I was going to actually make it back, or when I was going to make it back, I knew getting money from Damien was the only way I’d be able to keep my ass from being homeless.

  From the NBA to fuckin’ homeless in a matter of a couple years.

  What a life.

  I watched as Damien pulled his checkbook from the inside pocket of his suit jacket, opening it to drop a few scribbles with his signature black ink pen before ripping it off and handing it to me. “Here’s $1500. That should be enough to cover two months’ worth of rent.”

  “$1500 for two months? This place costs double that for one!”

  “Well it sounds to me like you’re going to have to lower your standards drastically. Hell, maybe you can even get a roommate. But the life of luxury is over, Levi. It’s time to get back to reality.”

  He offered me a little sympathetic pat on the shoulder just as his phone began to ring, surely with the client who’d be replacing me on his roster. And while I couldn’t blame him for moving on, as I watched him excuse himself to take the call, it only infuriated me to the point of screaming, “This is some bullshit!”

  And as if the devil was really trying to stunt on me, I heard a little voice behind me ask, “Excuse me? You think I can… get a selfie with you? Maybe an autograph or somethin’? Not every day I get to help evict an ex-NBA player.”

  “How about I autograph my foot and shove it up your ass?” I threatened though I knew the little dude was no match.

  But to my surprise, he didn’t back down, instead suggesting, “As long as I get to keep the shoe.”

  “Unbelievable.”

  &

  “I don’t know, Levi. I mean, a roommate might not be the worst idea in the world. At least until you can get back on your own feet.”

  There was no use in hiding my frustrations as I plopped down on the couch in my sister Lily’s two-bedroom apartment while she rocked her youngest to sleep. It was the same apartment building we had grown up in as kids, though it was clear Lily had outgrown the space as the living room was currently doubling as a playroom for her seven-year-old twins and a resting spot for the almost two-year-old in her arms.

  “You only say that because you have a house full of roommates. Lifemates. And they don’t even pay any rent,” I teased as she passed the little one to me to give her arms a break.

  Then she rolled her eyes as she adjusted Anastasia’s head while insisting, “You know I would take you in if I had the room.”

  “And you know your crib is far from a long term option regardless, sis. Can’t even take a nap around here without somebody checking my pockets, or crawling on my head, or asking if I have games on my phone.”

  “Hey! That’s your nephews and niece you’re talking about,” Lily said with a laugh as she straightened up the toys scattered amongst the living room floor.

  “Yeah, the niece and nephews I’m glad I put money away for before all of this shit went down. They’re lucky none of us can touch it until they turn eighteen,” I admitted as I watched baby girl’s eyes flutter closed. But the second I thought I was in the clear, they cracked right back open.

  Damnit.

  “Well you know they appreciate you, Uncle Levi.”

  “Yeah they better,” I replied as I watched Anastasia’s eyes slowly drift closed once again.

  But this time, they actually stayed closed, even when her mother shouted, “Anyway! I know your long ass isn’t gonna survive too many days on this couch, so what are you going to do?”

  “I guess I’ll… I don’t know. What should I do?”

  Lily and Damien had both given me some reasonable options, but none of it sounded like anything I actually wanted to do. Then again, I didn’t really have much of a choice. And it was obvious Lily felt the same way when she finally answered, “Swallow your pride and find something around here for a reasonable price. You know the landlord loves your game. I’m sure he’ll be willing to cut you a deal.”

  “Yeah, but he’s a crook just like the rest of these niggas. You know how they are. Probably would be using his master key to snoop all up and through my shit, not to mention I’d practically be walking around here with a target on my back. I’m sorry I couldn’t get you out of here before I fucked shit up, Lily.”

  While I had taken care of a lot of people while I was on, my ultimate goal had always been to get my sister and her kids out of the hood. But somehow, the fast life had managed to chew me up and spit me out long before I could actually make it happen. And while that was easily at the top of my list of regrets, Lily didn’t exactly agree when she brushed off my apology to say, “I am not your responsibility, Levi. Never have been and I never will be. I’m doing what I have to do just like everybody else in this world. And now it’s your turn to do the same.”

  “How much does rent cost around here anyway?” I asked, more out of curiosity than anything.

  Lily shrugged, finally joining me on the couch when she answered, “About a thousand a month once you include utilities.”

  “A thousand a month for this piece of shit? No offense, sis. But that’s outrageous.”

  “Let’s not forget you were also raised in this piece of shit.”

  “And you see how I turned out,” I muttered, once again faced with the reality of the situation I had managed to get myself in.

  But my personal pity party did nothing to stop Lily from firing back, “Get over yourself, Levi. You fucked up your money and now your back is against the wall. I know basketball has sheltered you from this thing called life for a long time, but it’s time to wake up from that dream. It’s time to start a new chapter.”

  She was right.

  Basketball had afforded me a number of opportunities beyond just a paycheck; from being a standout in high school which meant teachers wouldn’t dare give me a bad grade just to make sure I kept my eligibility to play, to college where I had people lined up wanting to write my papers for me, and even now where I could still walk into plenty of the local restaurants and eat for free. While I hadn’t thought much of it at the time - expected it in fact - there was certainly a lot I hadn’t learned along the way.

  “You really think I can find a little roommate or whatever? I don’t even know where to start, where to look…”

  Lily smacked her teeth in annoyance. “My God, don’t you have any life skills? Or did you leave them all in the halls of that bougie ass college you went to?”

  “Duke is one of the top basketball programs in the nation,” I defended, though it was hardly any use once I heard her spot on response.

  “Duke also coddled you to the point where you forgot where you came from. And let’s not even get on the league. I mean, what’s the point of having all of that money just for them to give you everything for free?”

  “For me to trick it off obviously,” I muttered as my eyes fell on Anastasia who was still sound asleep.

  “Enough of the self-sabotaging, Levi. Go grab the laptop from the twins and I’ll... help you get this figured out,” Lily said as she stuck her hands out for her daughter.

  I was slow to hand her over, making sure I didn’t wake her as I deposited her onto her mom’s lap. And then I took the short trip down the hallway to the twins’ room, only to find them laying on their bellies face deep in the computer.

  “Aye, knuckleheads. Me and your moms need the computer for a minute.”

  “But we watchin’ Netflix!” the youngest by three minutes shouted, easy to identify by the short dreads he wore compared to his brother who rocked a curly taper fade like me.

  “This is important, Andre,” I told him as he looked to his big brother for confirmation of what to do.

  And while Andre was a little easier to persuade, Adrian had no problem firing back, “So is Netflix!”

  “Adrian… don’t make me body slam you. Hand it over.”

  They both grunted as they unplugged the charger cord before handing the computer to me with a pair of matching attitudes
that I found way too amusing to leave as is. So instead, I dug in my pocket and pulled out a few stray dollar bills from the night before and stuck it out to them.

  “Here. Run across the street and grab a snack or somethin’. We’ll be done by the time ya’ll get back.”

  I fully expected them both to light up and snatch the money from my hand. But to my surprise, they both just… looked at it, forcing to me insist, “Here. Take it.”

  Andre completely avoided my eyes while Adrian confessed, “Mama said don’t ask you for no money cause you ain’t got none no more.”

  Wait, what?

  “That’s what your mama said, huh?” I asked to which they both nodded in unison. “Well it can be a secret between the three of us. Deal?”

  This time, my question warranted the lit up faces that I originally expected as Adrian snatched the money from my hand before handing some of it to Andre.

  “Thank you, Uncle Levi!” they shouted as they slipped out of the room in front of me.

  And I was right on their heels as I told them both, “You’re welcome. And remember, it’s a secret.”

  “Hold it. Where are ya’ll going?” Lily asked just as the twins made it to the front door.

  It was clear Adrian was working hard to hold up his end of the bargain, choosing silence as opposed to an actual response. Andre on the other hand was quick to spill, “Uncle Levi gave us some money to get some snacks from across the street.”

  Damn, so much for that secret.

  Lily peeked up at me to confirm and I nodded as I told her, “It was a fair trade. And why did you tell the twins I was broke?”

  “Because you are,” she answered with a roll of her eyes before turning her attention to the twins to say, “Ya’ll better come right back. Don’t talk to anybody other than Mr. Johnson at the register. And hold hands when you cross the street.”

  “Okay!” they shouted in unison as they barged out of the screen door.

  And once they were gone, I was sure to tell Lily, “I ain’t that damn broke.”

  But my words were obviously less than convincing as she quickly replied, “Yet here you are. Sleeping on my couch. Trying to find a place to stay until you can make enough money to get yourself out of this mess you call a life...”

  “Are you gonna help me or you just gonna keep talking shit?”

  “Being poor sure makes you sensitive,” she stated teasingly just as I was cracking the laptop open.

  And while the truth to her jokes certainly didn’t put me in the best of moods, accepting it as the truth was also the first step in getting this shit figured out.

  Jules

  “So… how’s the roommate search going? Any good prospects?”

  I held my phone against my ear with my shoulder as I took a sip of my second glass of wine before I continued scrolling through the latest batch of supposed perfectly-matched inquiries in my email inbox. And while the first five emails worth of options had proved themselves to be everything but perfect, I was hopeful that day six would be the lucky day.

  Though that didn’t stop me from teasing my best friend when I told her, “Quit pretending like you care, Liz. You and your roommate are doing just fine.”

  “You mean, me and my fiancé?”

  I almost dropped my phone in shock when I hopped off of the couch and asked, “Bitch, what? Shut up! Marcus proposed?!”

  And I could literally hear her smile through the phone when she replied, “It was so beautiful, Jules. He had an orchestra playing in the lobby when I made it back to our building after doing a little sight-seeing. There were rose petals from the elevator leading to our front door. And when I opened it, there he was… down on one knee.”

  “Where did I go wrong in life?! I mean, that’s amazing!” I shouted before quickly adding, “And the ring?”

  She giggled. “The ring is gorgeous, of course. You would’ve thought I picked it out myself.”

  “Well send me a picture or something. And how am I just now finding out about this? No disrespect to Mama, but as your best friend, I definitely should’ve gotten the first phone call.”

  Again, Elizabeth only giggled. “It just happened last night, Jules. And we… spent the whole night celebrating.”

  “Amazing proposal, amazing ring, and amazing dick as the cherry on top? That’s like the ultimate trifecta, Liz. I’m so jealous!”

  While I definitely wasn’t thinking about relationships, or marriages, or new life beginnings anytime soon, I was still a little envious of how quickly things had happened for Elizabeth. Though it was clear she didn’t see it that way when she replied, “Jules, you are not jealous. You always thought Marcus was boring and lame, and I was ruining my life by moving out here with him.”

  “Girl, I was just saying that because I didn’t want you to leave me. But now that you’re already gone and engaged, I’ve changed my mind,” I told her before I took another short sip of my wine.

  And I could pretty much assume she was rolling her eyes when she said, “Whatever. All I know is you have some bachelorette party planning to do Maid of Honor.”

  Another jolt of excitement blasted through me as I repeated, “Maid of Honor? Are you serious, Liz? You really trust me with that kind of responsibility?”

  “I mean, if you’re up for it. I know money might be tight for you with the whole no-roommate thing, but…”

  While there was definitely some truth to her statement, I quickly cut her off. “No! I’ll figure out a way. I mean, we’ve been talking about this day since we were teenagers, right?” In fact, I could remember the exact conversations, along with the scribbles in our notebooks of our signatures featuring our new last names.

  “Now don’t you go gettin’ all mushy on me already. We have to save the tears for the wedding, boo,” she stated just as I felt them welling up in my eyes at the memories.

  But I sucked them up as I sat back on the couch, the phone lodged between my ear and my shoulder as I told her, “You’re right. Well let me get you off of the phone so you can get back to your man. I mean, your fiancé. Ahh I’m so excited for you!”

  I knew the exact bashful smile my best friend was wearing even though I couldn’t see her when she replied, “Thank you, Jules. And let me know if I can help with the roommate thing. I know I’m thousands of miles away now, but my internet works all the same.”

  I pulled the laptop back onto my lap, scrolling through the latest batch of inquiries I had already been sifting through when she called. And suddenly they all seemed like the perfect match I needed to ensure I’d be able to afford the price tag that came with being Maid of Honor.

  “You worry about your wedding planning. I’ll take care of this. Matter of fact, I think I just found one right now,” I told her as I clicked on one of the profile matches that stood out from the rest for reasons I couldn’t admit out loud.

  Though Elizabeth’s questioning wasn’t exactly on my side when she asked, “What? Just that fast?”

  I shrugged as if she could see me while I skimmed the information. “Yeah. I mean, everything seems normal. And it says he’ll even pay two month's rent in advance.”

  “He’ll? As in he? As in a guy? You’re gonna have a guy for a roommate? Come on, Jules. You know better.”

  I instantly became defensive when I asked, “What’s wrong with that? I mean, the bedroom is clear on the other side of the unit, we’ll only share the common spaces, and hello… two month’s rent in advance. It can’t get any better than that.”

  “Well did you at least see a picture? Make sure he doesn’t look like some crazy person?”

  Her question prompted me to double-click his profile image to enlarge it as I assured her, “I saw the picture, and… damn.”

  “What? What’s the matter?” she asked in a panic as I got lost in his eyes that looked strangely familiar even though they were slightly covered by the glasses he wore. His chestnut brown skin was baby’s bottom smooth. But there was definitely nothing baby about his strong jaw
line along with the crisp layer of facial hair that framed his full lips.

  “Jules? Jules, you still there?”

  I flinched at her words, feeling caught red-handed as I quickly clicked out of the picture like it was porn. “Huh? Oh, nothing. Everything is fine. He’s regular-degular. Not a smoker, not a drinker, not a partier, doesn’t like clutter,” I read out loud, finding that part of the information more than suitable for my needs.

  Or maybe it was his profile picture making me a little more lenient as I heard Elizabeth ask, “So basically everything opposite of you?”

  “Perfect match.”

  While I had never felt more sure of anything, Elizabeth wasn’t nearly as convinced when she asked, “Are you sure you want to live with a guy, Jules? I mean, you know how you can get.”

  “How I can get? What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked as I went back to his profile picture to take a better, more objective look.

  But my objectivity quickly turned to sensitivity down below, even when Elizabeth said, “You know exactly what I mean.”

  “But he’s not even like… attractive,” I lied with ease as I imagined the perfect teeth hidden under his closed-mouth smile.

  “Jules…”

  “I mean, maybe he’s cute to somebody but…”

  “Jules, he’s fine, isn’t he?” she asked, calling my bluff in only a way she could.

  But for whatever reason, I still held on tight to the last thread of my morality when I admitted, “He’s not ugly. That’s all.”

  “Girl, don’t mess around and have your roommate turn into your bedroom boommate.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh as I defended, “I can control my vagina, thank you very much. And besides, if he’s looking for a roommate that means he’s probably broke.”

  If nothing else, that fact would help me draw the line. Though Elizabeth wasn’t making anything easier for me when she replied, “Yeah, just as broke as you who’s also looking for a roommate. Don’t be a bougie bitch.”

  “Anyway! I’m going to reach out to him and see if he’s interested in the room,” I told her as I clicked the button to respond to his inquiry.