theMystery.doc

by Matt McIntosh

  “You’ve told me before that she’s a graphic designer.”

  “And what’s she like? Trustworthy? Nice? Devious? Shady? How would you describe her?”

  Gladys thought about it. “Well, to tell you the truth, I’ve never been able to get to know her very well. I know almost everyone on the block because I’m always out watering or sweeping and I talk to people when they walk by, and that’s how I get to know them. But I can’t say I’ve ever had a very good conversation with Eva. It seems like every time I try to strike up a conversation with her she remembers she has something on the stove. And yet,” mused Gladys, “I never seem to smell any home cooking coming from the house.”

  “So that’s her name is it? Eva?”

  “Yes. Eva.”

  “And what’s my name?”

  Gladys suddenly burst forth with: “Well, your real name is Daniel, but for the first three months you lived here you had me calling you Corky!”

  “I had you calling me Corky?”

  “Yes, and I was very cross for a long time with you, because every time I would talk about you to people I would call you Corky and they would say Who’s Corky? and I would explain that it was you—the new couple: Eva, the designer, and her husband Corky—and they’d say, His name’s not Corky, it’s Daniel! and I’d say, No, it’s not, it’s Corky!—and when I finally figured out you’d only been having a bit of fun with me, well, I was pretty upset about it. And I even talked to Eva about it over the fence in the back. I said, Do you know your husband has had me calling him Corky all this time? and she apologized and said you are a very imaginative man but that you get bored very easily and that I shouldn’t take any offense and I started to give her some advice about how to check her arbor vitae for spider mites when she suddenly remembered she had left the iron on and had to rush inside.”

  “And how does one check for spider mites?” I asked to humor the woman.

  “You take a white piece of paper and you place it flat inside the bush—or the tree, rather—and then you shake the tree and take the paper out and if they’re there you’ll see them crawling around on the page. They’re small and red. And they can wipe out an entire block in a single season.”

  “Good to know,” I said, rising to my feet. “Well, thank you for stopping by, but I should be getting back to work now. I’m sorry for having you call me Corky.” I opened the door.

  “How’s the book coming?” she asked. “Is it almost finished?”

  “I imagine so,” I said. “By the way, what’s the book about? Have I ever told you?”

  “Oh, no, it’s top secret. You never say the first thing about it. Whenever I or any of the other neighbors ask you just say it’s a really big book, that you don’t know when you’ll be done because you never put timelines on things because it’s better to let it be whatever it wants to be—which I’ve never understood—and what else do you say? Oh, yes. That you may not be making any money but that it’s a very rewarding experience.”

  “Sounds like a cop-out to me. And how long have I been working on this book? Have I ever told you?”

  “Well, your last one came out when you were young—twenty-six, I think, which probably explains all the profanity. And I know you’ve been working on this one since then. So it must have been something like…eleven years?”

  “Eleven years on the same book!” I exclaimed.

  She smiled.

  “How does a person work eleven years on a book and not finish it? What’s my work schedule? A minute per day?”

  “Well, you tell people you work on it from the time you wake up until you go to sleep. And that you don’t have any friends or hobbies or belong to any clubs (I don’t think you even vote to tell you the truth) and that you have devoted your entire life to working on it.” She lowered her voice. “We all just figure you have writer’s block and are too embarrassed to say.”

  “Yeah, I don’t blame you. Eleven years working on the same book sounds like madness. Have I ever told you the title?”

  “No. But once you called it a post-post-neo-modern mystery story. But I don’t know if you were just feeding me more Corky.”

  “Thank you for the information, Gladys,” I said, escorting her down the slanted wooden steps. “I promise you I’m going to get to the bottom of this.”

  “The bottom of it?” she said. “Is there something wrong?”

  “Oh, yes. There’s something definitely wrong.” I walked her to the lawn and she headed for her house. “Wait, Gladys! One more thing!”

  She turned around.

  “I didn’t get a very good look at my wife this morning,” I said. “I didn’t have my glasses on. She’s beautiful, wouldn’t you say?”

  “Yes, she’s very beautiful. Everyone says she looks like a model.”

  “And the way I look now,” I said, spreading my arms wide so that she could see my old t-shirt and baggy shorts. “Is this how I normally look?”

  “You mean how messy your hair is?”

  “Well, I wasn’t meaning that, but yes. And my attire.”

  “You always look pretty much the same,” said Gladys. “Although when it’s colder you wear long johns under your shorts.”

  “So then the question is…what would a girl like that be doing with a guy like me?”

  Gladys thought about it for a while, but at last could only respond with a shake of the head and a smile. And a:

  “I suppose it really takes all kinds.”

  (6_7_07 11_55 am alice.wav)

  :::Hi!

  :::Hi.

  :::I didn’t get you up, did I?

  :::No.

  :::Sometimes people are day sleepers, you know, and… I’m just admiring your tree—is that going to be an apple, or…

  :::Yeah, we just planted that a few weeks ago.

  :::Oh! It looks healthy, it’ll probably do fine there.

  :::Do you know much about apple trees?

  :::Pardon me?

  :::Do you know—

  :::Not a lot; what kind is it?

  :::It’s a McIntosh.

  :::Oh, that’s a nice apple. Yeah, and they’re pretty! I like ’em. I would put a little thing around it, because the stem could easily get broken on you—you know, sometimes even kids will come along and—I saw that just the other day. A little screen around the base that comes up so high to protect it a little bit until it gets a little stronger.

  :::Good idea.

  :::Yeah, I just planted a dogwood tree two years ago and boy it’s really taken off—you’d be surprised how fast they grow.

  :::Really.

  :::Yeah! Isn’t it so beautiful out—the flowers are just gorgeous! Well anyway, you’re probably wondering why I’m ringing your doorbell, I’m calling with some good news from the Bible.

  :::Uh-huh.

  :::Seems like we hear a lot of bad news anymore—[clears throat] I mean sometimes things are so bad you wonder if there’s some sinister influence behind all of it. Have you ever thought of that?

  :::Uh, yeah, I have actually.

  :::Uh-huh, are you a Bible reader at all?

  :::Yeah, I read the Bible.

  :::Are you familiar with Revelation chapter twelve? Um, let me see here………… You’ll have to pardon my Bible, I always say I’m not gonna mark ’em up and I’ll get another and then… [laughs] Anyway, it goes into here verse, um, twelve verse seven, And war broke out in heaven, Michael and his angels battled with the Dragon, and the Dragon and its angels battled. But it did not prevail. Neither was a place found for them any longer in heaven. So here you have the good angels fighting with the bad angels, at this period of time. And so down the Great Dragon was hurled, the original serpent, um, the one called Devil and Satan who is misleading—notice—the entire inhabited
earth… You see what’s going on.

  :::Wow.

  :::And he was hurled down to the earth and his angels—the bad angels—were hurled down with him. And then it says how happy they were, and then it says, On this account be glad you heavens and you who reside in them, Woe for the earth and for the sea, and over here the sea refers to restless humanity. Uh, because the devil has come down to you having great anger knowing he has a short period of time.

  :::Short period of time, wow.

  :::Well, when Jesus died for us and went to heaven he sat down at the right hand of God, it wasn’t quite time for him to rule in his kingdom.

  :::Uh-huh.

  :::But when he took up ruling in heaven the first thing he did was cast Satan—the devil—and the angels that followed him down into the earth. Um…you probably know how Satan became what he was.

  :::How did that happen?

  :::Well, in Genesis he was the covering angel over Adam and Eve if you remember, and uh, he was supposed to watch over them, but instead he could visualize Adam and Eve multiplying as God told them to do, and fill the earth and extend that paradise to the whole earth. But um, but he wanted that glory, he wanted to be worshipped, so he uh, he challenged Eve’s rightfulness to rule—I mean God’s rightfulness to tell Adam and Eve what they could do and what they couldn’t do. And remember he said to Eve, let me find it here…Now the serpent—oh, let’s see, where should we start here…um…So [clears throat] here’s the Satan using the serpent, like a ventriloquist, you know. The serpent proved to be the most cautious of all the wild beasts of the field that Jehovah God had made, but began to say to the woman, Is it really so that God said you must not eat from every tree of the garden? At this the woman said to the serpent, Of the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat, but as for eating of the fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden, God has said you must not eat from it no you must not touch it lest you die. And at this the serpent—or Satan, you know, speaking through him—said to the woman, You positively will not die. For God knows that on the very day of your eating from it your eyes are bound to be opened and you are bound to be like God knowing good and bad—in other words, You don’t need God telling you what to do!

  :::Yeah, right.

  :::Yeah. And so he told the first lie.

  :::So that was a lie?

  :::First lie. You will not die, he told them.

  :::Wow.

  :::And she—she—you know she dwelt on it. Instead of putting sin behind us sometimes we dwell on something—you know it’s wrong—

  :::Yep.

  :::And they had everything—I mean they were created perfect, God had personally taught Adam, he let him name the animals that he had created, and uh—

  :::What else was it like in Eden, do you think?

  :::I beg your pardon?

  :::What else was it like in Eden?

  :::It was a beautiful paradise!

  :::Yeah?

  :::And, God’s person—I mean God’s purpose was to extend that garden to the entire earth, and the earth be filled—in fact before they sinned he gave them the command to multiply, and fill the earth, and uh, at that time…he said here…And God went on to say, Let us make man in our image according to our likeness and let them have in subjection the fish of the sea and the flying creatures of the heavens and the domestic animals and all the earth and every moving animal upon it. And down in verse twenty-eight it says further, God blessed them, and God said to them, Be fruitful and be many and fill the earth, subdue it and have in subjection the fish of the sea, the flying creatures of the heavens and every living creature moving upon the earth. Well, now we don’t see us in command over the animals, you know. Some of them, some are pretty wild.

  :::Yeah, they can get wild.

  :::But at one time it wasn’t true. And um so…the earth was completed in the seventh day. And many people tell you, well that was seven literal days.

  :::Hmm.

  :::But the Bible says that one day is equal to a thousand years. Because he’s—

  :::So seven thousand years.

  :::So, uh…we don’t know exactly how long those creative days were, but um, you know, science—God is the greatest scientist, he’s the—so the Bible doesn’t contradict the true science.

  :::Right.

  :::So, you know, a thinking person knows, after—have you been to college, or…?

  :::Um, I spent some time in college.

  :::And, and then—just even watching the History Channel, they had a deal on the sun, and how it functions and everything and it was just awesome, because—

  :::How does the sun function?

  :::Well, the protons and neutrons and everything, I would love to get a copy of that, it was on the History Channel, they’ll probably show it again.

  :::Oh yeah?

  :::It was just unbelievable.

  :::We don’t have cable.

  :::Oh, don’t you?

  :::No.

  :::Uh-huh.

  :::Do you have cable?

  :::I have a, uh, dish.

  :::Oh yeah? Which one do you have?

  :::I don’t know, it’s just a—well, it’s a dish that you, like a satellite—

  :::Dish Network?

  :::Well I live out on Mullan Hill Terrace, um—

  :::Do you find you like the service you get with the dish? Because I’m constantly getting advertisements from cable and satellite, and you know it’s just hard to decide in this day and age whether you should get satellite or whether you should get cable… for your entertainment needs.

  :::Well, they don’t have cable where I live, I live in a motor home park.

  :::So you have to have a dish. You don’t have a choice!

  :::No. And I did have cable and I liked cable.

  :::Do you find that the reception with the dish is pretty clear?

  :::It’s about the same as cable.

  :::Really?

  :::Uh, when you have a storm, though, sometimes it’ll temporarily go out. A bad windstorm or something.

  :::I’ve heard that would happen.

  :::Yeah.

  :::What kind of package do you have?

  :::I just have the basic, but I think it runs, uh, it goes up all the time—what is it now? I have it taken out every month, it’s automatic—and it’s gone up, let’s see, when I first got it I think it was twenty-nine dollars, I think it’s about thirty-five now.

  :::Do they tell you each month when they’re gonna raise the rate on you?

  :::Um…no. It just—it just automatically takes it out.

  :::And when you check your bank statements they’ve taken more out each month?

  :::Yeah, yeah—not each month.They raise it maybe every year or two or three, you know how they do—everything’s going up now.

  :::They should give you some notice before they start taking more out of your account, because—

  :::Yeah, you’d think so.

  :::you could bounce checks or something.

  :::Yeah, exactly.

  :::But other than that you’re pretty comfortable, you like the service of the Dish Network?

  :::Yeah, people are very—oh, the dish? Yeah, it’s been pretty nice. And they don’t charge you for that. I think you have to put a—you have to be with them at least two years. And they give everything free.

  :::For what?

  :::The little dish that they put on your house.

  :::Oh, do they come and attach it to your house?

  :::Yeah, they install it and everything.

  :::Huh.

  :::So that’s all free, and then the little handset—let’s see, did we get a handset? Yeah, I think we get
a handset too. But you have to sign up for two years.

  :::You have to have a two-year commitment.

  :::Yeah. And I’ve been there four years.

  :::Do you think it’s worth the price that you’ve been paying? I mean for the quality of programs?

  :::Well, they’re pretty well—actually they’re pretty well all the same price, pretty much. But yeah, I think it’s very nice. I’ve been happy with it.

  :::What kinds of shows do you like to watch?

  :::Um, I love the History Channel—I have learned so much on that. Uh, they cover everything. Um, and I like to watch um, 112, Home and Garden. Yeah. Home and Garden. And what else do I like? Cooking Channel and I I like to watch CNN.

  :::Oh yeah, for the news.

  :::Yeah, I watch them a lot. And uh, local channels. I have 2, 4, 6, and 7, 10.

  :::You have the local news?

  :::Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah. I’ve got 2, 4, 6, and—

  :::Do you have a favorite local news station that you like?

  :::Um, no, it’s just—

  :::Just whichever one is on?

  :::Yeah. Yeah. I see you’re sorta—you’re sorta—wondering which way to go, aren’t you?

  :::Well, you know, I’m just gonna—they send us so many ads for cable and satellite that I’m just gonna have to give in and get one or the other—

  :::Yeah, you don’t know which way—I can understand the dilemma—

  :::I think maybe if I get either cable or satellite, then maybe they’ll stop sending me flyers in the mail.

  :::I— No, I doubt it. I doubt it.

  :::You think they’ll still send me flyers?

  :::It’s just like you keep getting these things—oh, they want you to uh—um, like Visa or Mastercharge—

  :::Yeah.

  :::and all the different banks keep sending you that stuff, so…

  :::Well, we rarely get much mail at all except for ads.

  :::Yeah, you get sort of tired of it.

  :::Yeah, it gets—

  :::So just chuck ’em! [laughs]

  :::Yeah, but then you have to pay to recycle them.

  :::Yeah.